so far so good....not the best but by far not the worst. i'm managing the house again, hugging kids again, smiling and laughing again...thank god. or clouds. or trees. or whatever. i feel like my friendships here are growing stronger which is something i've been waiting for a very long time to happen. i'm applying for nursing school. i'm launching a facebook page selling some of the shit i make on a daily basis. maybe i can try to make up the difference for all the purchases? that's how i explain it to mark anyway ;) speaking of...he's amazing. he's been sick for over a week, but has faithfully stood by my side. i've been doing so well but last night was difficult and he just held me and let me cry for no reason. he's pretty much the best thing to have EVER stumbled into my life. i love that man like crazy. i don't have much to say tonight, just felt the need for an update. life is good. it's up. it's down. it's fucking crazy. but it's good. and i love this life i have.

wine and me time now.

last week at its best

last week was by far the worst week in the history of our relationship. since starting a new med and reducing the one i've been on for years, i've been slightly unstable. last week i was so down for 4 days straight. i couldn't get out of bed, and if i did i snapped on kids, cried nonstop, and didn't leave the house. i didn't shower, or change clothes, or get off the couch or out of bed. i can't even tell you how many times i broke down in tears over nothing.

the kids were miserable and so was mark who had to work a lot. the girls kept asking what was wrong and if i was mad at them. eventually they just told me to 'feel better' on a regular basis. i put aidan to bed one night and he broke down sobbing and said to me, "i'm sorry i've been such a bad boy and have made you so sad". i broke down too and assured him it wasn't him. i felt so terrible for the way i treated them, but i couldn't control myself. usually on my bad days i can be strong and fight it. not last week. i literally couldn't function.

then, on the fifth day, i woke up feeling invincible. i hopped out of bed, made coffee, sent kids off to school, and by 8:30 i was jamming to my music turned all the way up and started cleaning all the ceiling fans. then i scrubbed baseboards and painted them. then i took off two doors and 4 doorknobs and painted them. i wrote silly notes to the kids, and greeted them happily when they came home. when mark got home at 5 exhausted from the day, i wore him out talking 90 miles an hour until dinner time.

we sat down to eat and i started feeling angry. uncontrollable anger. i wanted to scream at everyone and tell them to shut the hell up. i wanted to go outside and smoke a pack of cigarettes. i wanted to pick a fight. i ended up with a panic attack, and feeling suicidal. the night ended with me in tears to the point of physical pain in mark's arms.

the next day i was back to feeling miserable. mark begged me to call the doctor. he had been asking me to do it for days, but i had an appointment on friday (today) and figured all they'd tell me to do is wait until i came in. but i called. the doctor told me to come in and pick up a sample of abilify, explaining that it was quick acting, and would act as a bridge until these new meds even out. i drove downtown right then and took it on the way home.

within 48 hours i felt better. driving to the gym on thursday morning, i told mark "i actually feel a little better today, but really don't want to jinx it". that afternoon i was tolerant of kids, we had a pleasant dinner, and a good family time. after the kids were in bed, mark praised me over and over thanking me profusely for how well the day went. i can only imagine the relief he felt.

today was my appointment. i met with the actual psychiatrist. i told him about my week. he listened and asked me several questions. i felt like he truly cared, which was something i wasn't expecting out of a guy who is one of a few in his specialty. he told me to cold turkey quit the prozac, doubled my dose of lamictal, and gave me almost a thousand, yes a thousand, dollars of samples of abilify. he said that hopefully the abilify would be temporary. out of pocket, it's $450 for a months worth of the lowest dose.

i walked out feeling unbelievably thankful and blessed. not in the thank-you-god blessed, because god had nothing to do with this. science and technology are to thank. and the generosity of my parents. mark and i went into downtown nashville and found a patio to sit on for lunch. we people watched, and enjoyed the PERFECT weather. today was GOOD. i am hopeful.

and kudos to mark, who has dutifully put up with this bullshit. he's never dealt with anyone with a mental disorder. he's a champ. thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin, i owe you everything. i love you. 

day 25

today is day 25 of the new medication. i was doing really well for the first 14 days, but these last 11 have really hurt. i really need this shit to even out. my moods and feelings are all over the place and it's wearing on me. i miss my parents. i miss my friends. i'm sick of crying. stupid stupid stupid.

think education is expensive? try ignorance.

When they threw God out of the schools because of one atheist woman that is when the schools across this great country started on their road to hell. Since when does a minority speak for the majority? Time for the majority to start making God the reason for this country and too bad for those minorities that don't believe in God. I believe to listen to the minority and see if what they say has merit and the majority and can benefit from it but if the majority can't benefit from it then the minority will just have to change or abide by what the majority decides. If they don't like it try another country to live in and try the same crap over there.

--some ignorant bastard commenting on one of my friends' facebook post

 

are you fucking serious?! so we (as in atheists) have no rights? we should move to another country?! how insanely ignorant and insulting. it makes me so angry with the whole christian community (in general) when i think of how blinded they can be. we're all american citizens, we all have the same rights, so please tell me again why, living in this free country, my children should be subjected to prayer in schools, and not being taught evolution? why can't we leave religion out of our public schools? separation of church and state anyone? 

 

i am raising all five of my children to be free thinkers. to question, to educate themselves, and decide what they believe and why. so how unfair is it to me as a parent and them as growing, developing young souls, to go to school and have to be a part of a team prayer before games, or only be taught selective things in science class? according to dumbass up there we should just move out of the country. 

 

how about teaching in schools what science has proven, things we can back by solid evidence. if you're so sure of your religion, why should it bother you that we want to teach our children basic, scientific information? then allow them to have their own opinions about religion? 

 

i promise you, if any of the five of my children come to me and ask to go to church, come out as homosexual, or choose any religion, no matter how bizarre, if they come to me knowing in their hearts why they have chosen it, i will embrace them and support them a thousand percent. 

 

what were those treasured fruits of the spirit i had memorized in grade school?  mine are the same. as a human race, i think we all strive for these traits. they are not purely for christians.   

 

love. love for my family.

joy. joy even when life is dreary.

peace. breathe. love. joy. peace.

patience. when the kids just.won't.chill.out. patience for the passage of time.

kindness. random acts every.single.day. is my goal. friends, strangers, and family alike.

goodness. good-ness.

faithfulness. faithfulness to my partner. faithfulness to my family. faithfulness to my dreams, my hopes, and my beliefs.

gentleness. to be gentle to those around me, because we can never fully understand the hardship of another person's life.

self control. for the benefit of my family, for the benefit of myself, because impatience and greed will only harm your family, finances, and life.

what are we missing as a society that we cannot share these traits, and be unified in that?

sigh. this world is full of crazy. i love this free country we live in, and it's because of the freedom of speech, and freedom of religion, that dumbass up there can say things like that, and i can blog posts like this without worrying about my head being chopped off or anything like that. 

love.joy.peace.