last week at its best

last week was by far the worst week in the history of our relationship. since starting a new med and reducing the one i've been on for years, i've been slightly unstable. last week i was so down for 4 days straight. i couldn't get out of bed, and if i did i snapped on kids, cried nonstop, and didn't leave the house. i didn't shower, or change clothes, or get off the couch or out of bed. i can't even tell you how many times i broke down in tears over nothing.

the kids were miserable and so was mark who had to work a lot. the girls kept asking what was wrong and if i was mad at them. eventually they just told me to 'feel better' on a regular basis. i put aidan to bed one night and he broke down sobbing and said to me, "i'm sorry i've been such a bad boy and have made you so sad". i broke down too and assured him it wasn't him. i felt so terrible for the way i treated them, but i couldn't control myself. usually on my bad days i can be strong and fight it. not last week. i literally couldn't function.

then, on the fifth day, i woke up feeling invincible. i hopped out of bed, made coffee, sent kids off to school, and by 8:30 i was jamming to my music turned all the way up and started cleaning all the ceiling fans. then i scrubbed baseboards and painted them. then i took off two doors and 4 doorknobs and painted them. i wrote silly notes to the kids, and greeted them happily when they came home. when mark got home at 5 exhausted from the day, i wore him out talking 90 miles an hour until dinner time.

we sat down to eat and i started feeling angry. uncontrollable anger. i wanted to scream at everyone and tell them to shut the hell up. i wanted to go outside and smoke a pack of cigarettes. i wanted to pick a fight. i ended up with a panic attack, and feeling suicidal. the night ended with me in tears to the point of physical pain in mark's arms.

the next day i was back to feeling miserable. mark begged me to call the doctor. he had been asking me to do it for days, but i had an appointment on friday (today) and figured all they'd tell me to do is wait until i came in. but i called. the doctor told me to come in and pick up a sample of abilify, explaining that it was quick acting, and would act as a bridge until these new meds even out. i drove downtown right then and took it on the way home.

within 48 hours i felt better. driving to the gym on thursday morning, i told mark "i actually feel a little better today, but really don't want to jinx it". that afternoon i was tolerant of kids, we had a pleasant dinner, and a good family time. after the kids were in bed, mark praised me over and over thanking me profusely for how well the day went. i can only imagine the relief he felt.

today was my appointment. i met with the actual psychiatrist. i told him about my week. he listened and asked me several questions. i felt like he truly cared, which was something i wasn't expecting out of a guy who is one of a few in his specialty. he told me to cold turkey quit the prozac, doubled my dose of lamictal, and gave me almost a thousand, yes a thousand, dollars of samples of abilify. he said that hopefully the abilify would be temporary. out of pocket, it's $450 for a months worth of the lowest dose.

i walked out feeling unbelievably thankful and blessed. not in the thank-you-god blessed, because god had nothing to do with this. science and technology are to thank. and the generosity of my parents. mark and i went into downtown nashville and found a patio to sit on for lunch. we people watched, and enjoyed the PERFECT weather. today was GOOD. i am hopeful.

and kudos to mark, who has dutifully put up with this bullshit. he's never dealt with anyone with a mental disorder. he's a champ. thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin, i owe you everything. i love you. 

birthday boy

the absolute love of my life turns 41 tomorrow. i couldn't be more thankful for his entrance (and survival) in this world. he finally found me, and i him, two years ago tomorrow. if i'd only have known...

i knew it was our last night in florida. i put on my yellow and white plaid sun dress. i had painstakingly straightened my hair, but no amount of heat or product could beat the humidity that night. so i gave up and put it into a pony. i drank wine straight out of the bottle, brown bag and all, just to prove how classy i was. lauren and i had brought papa johns for all the guys, and ate it in the laundry room of the marina. after we ate, we all wandered around the dock, some were on the broken down boat choosing play lists and shooting the shit. some were standing on the dock talking to neighboring vacationers. mark and i found our way to the end of the dock and i wrapped my arm around the post just so i had something to hold onto. it wasn't the wine i needed steadying from, it was the electrifying tension between us.

i blurted out basically my life story...something i rarely do so easily. i delved into the darkest corners and fondest memories. he watched me talk like nobody ever had, he asked questions and i could see how genuine his interest and concern was for me. it was beyond refreshing. he shared his very personal, present day, problems. he was struggling so much with the choice between stability and his happiness, and told me the details of the past three years for him and his kids. we talked for hours. i was absolutely awestruck by this man who looked at me so intensely, who made me feel something so deep; not only emotionally, but physically, who never took his precious green eyes off me.

i finished my wine bottle, then whispered a line from my favorite movie into it, corked it, and threw it over the edge of the dock. the next morning we were parting ways. him back to his life, me back to mine. we never planned or expected to see each other again. as we were driving away, my heart hurt. it physically ached. it was so wrong. he says to him it felt like a dark cloud followed them all the way back, and he had to fight the urge to ask his friend to turn the truck around, to go back. our hearts knew way before we did.

and he hasn't left my mind for a minute since then.

happy birthday, my darling. happy birthday to the man who has picked me up so many times, who has carried, supported, held, and loved me with all he has for the past two years. to the man to whom my heart, soul, and body belong. to the man who melts me. to the man who fathers our children so brilliantly. to the man who will own me as long as i'm breathing.

to you, baby. happy birthday. i love you more than you'll ever comprehend, and more than i'll ever be able to express with my measly words.

"this is the end. the end of life as i know it."

I LOVE YOU

lonely side of love

i've decided to, once again, make this blog private. i will continue to write about what i feel, raw, uncensored, freely. i'm working to repair some very important relationships, and this blog seems to be hindering them. gotta love chitter chatter, gossip, and judgement. it makes the world go 'round, i suppose.

want to continue reading? email me here and let me know.

unlike before, i welcome family and friends alike. (and for those of you creeper facebook friends that read and are embarrassed to ask, don't be...i'm just as nosy as the next person :) i simply need to close it down from the 'public' eye.

thank you for the ever constant support you provide. this blog has been better than $100 an hour therapy in so many ways.

it will go private tomorrow night (5/30) by midnight.

love.

life and love

crazy is what they all said
craziness lives in my head
crazy lies in my bed
worry, worrying about everything
worry it makes me insane
so much it drives me away
lonely, loneliness follows me around
loneliness drags me down
still lonely with others around

we went to dinner last night with some of mark's friends. i couldn't help but look around the table, taking in their conversation, wishing i was as educated, as grounded as they all seemed to be. one has a marriage falling at his feet, yet he still seemed to be more rooted than i felt. the others collectively are RNs, paramedics, working for lifeflight, firefighters, EMTs, graduates with four year degrees...maybe my dad was right. you can't make it without college. education. certifications. i'm getting a full time job in august to help support my family. my options are so very limited, and so "entry-level-minimum-wage-terrible-jobs-i-don't-want". i could go back to school and do anything, yes. but that's another year after another year of no salary...just adding debt.

my dream job? to stay home and create. write a book. decorate rooms. cook fabulous meals. attempt this "super mom" thing. being a grown up and facing real life is a bitch. why couldn't i wait to grow up again?! i watch our kids with their saturdays filled with pools, friends, sleeping in, ps3 wars, parks, and being served every meal three times a day. i remember those days. those saturdays i spent in my room making neckalces for my friends, attempting crazy hairstyles, experimenting with makeup, just wishing to be older. a grownup. i was so damn blind. i can only hope to reach through to these kids that they have it made right now and should just soak it up. (even if it makes more work for me)

but wishing things had been different in the past accomplishes nothing. plus, if everything went the way i thought it would go when i was that 13 year old dreaming in my room, i'd never have my two boys. i'd have never met mark and been able to be a mother to his three children. i'd have never found this wonderful, fun, spontaneous, crazy life i have with the love i always dreamed of, the five crazy kids i always wanted, and the big dumb great dane i never knew i wanted. how perfect and wonderful is my life. no matter how high my blood pressure gets while paying bills, no matter how much dread i feel in knowing this is my last summer as a stay at home mother (aka unemployed), none of it matters when i step back and look at it all. my beautiful home, my more than willing boyfriend working two jobs for us, my sweet kids that let me sleep in on saturdays and cuddle me at night, my sweet big pup that likes to sleep with me on nights mark is gone, my big glass of wine that affords me a few hours of sleep every night...everything.

i struggle, i cry, i have bad days, i pout, i long for my family, i miss my daddy, i get pissy with kids, i smack the dog, i drag my feet with chores, i go back to bed once the kids are gone, i skip showers....

but i also; pretend to sing, sneak up the stairs to listen to our precious children giggling, cuddle with my puppy at night, walk into the kids rooms while they're at school just to smell them, get out of bed, and run this insane house of 8 every day.

mark working two jobs is so hard for me, but it's also inspiring. he is working so so so hard for us. tonight his shift is from 7pm-7am, then he works at the fire department from 7am-7am. what an amazing man to pull a 36 hour shift for his family with no sleep. so what will i do tomorrow? laundry. dishes. gym. dog training. lunch making. kid bathing. make dinner. watch shows with kids. kiss them all, tuck them in, and thank this life that i'm such a lucky girl.

trying to be positive. trying trying trying. as i sob into my wine.

missing desperately, absolutely desperately; my lover, my best friend. and holding up the fort, being strong for him, for this crazy family.

 i do, i truly do, love my life. it's just so hard.

preoccupied update

last weekend went so much better than i expected. our date night was fabulous. we spent it on the patio of our favorite mexican restaurant with 3 or 4 pitchers of margaritas, people judging watching, laughs, and plenty of flirtatious giggles. we came home and thoroughly enjoyed our quiet and empty home. then made it not so quiet. we ended up staying up most of the night, then got to sleep in a little before headed to his parents' for brunch and coffee. the cinco de mayo neighborhood party was a blast, and we loved getting to meet new friends. plus, get togethers like that remind me how thankful i am for our kiddos. they're such well behaved and sweet little humans. i don't miss the screaming toddler stage.

mark started his second job on monday. he has clocked 106 hours so far this week between the two. needless to say, i fucking miss him. on the same hand, i'm so so so thankful for his willingness and ability to work. he has always been such a hard worker. i have no intentions of running him into the ground with it all as previous situations have, instead i am inspired to be better every minute. it's because of him i don't have to work at some job i hate. it's because of his trust and love that he has put me in charge of our home, our kids, and our finances.

i won't lie, it's an art form to get our bills paid and checkbook balanced every month, but this new job will really give us some much needed breathing room for the summer. we can go on vacation, enjoy ourselves, and spoil the kids. then in august i'm getting a full time job. growing up sucks. but i've got to do it. poor mark is driving my piece of shit car (wait, i'm sorry, HIS piece-of-shit-car-that-i-signed-over-to-him-for-the-firefighter-tags-that-get-us-out-of-having-to-get-it-inspected) that is bound to blow up any day now, while i get to drive his pretty, shiny, new, tahoe.

what a wonderful man he is. what a lucky gal i am.

there's a comfort in the rain only lovers know...
...give me your forever...please your forever...not a day less will do...from you...
what a coincidence this song is playing as i write this. talk about tears running down my face as fast as i can get the words out...god this man owns my heart.

***********

my sleep hasn't improved. at all. dream after dream after nightmare after nightmare. always so vivid, i would love to capture them in video to show the world how fucked up my brain is. it's so creatively brilliant but so hideous at the same time. sometimes i think if i could just sleep right, sleep well, through the night, that half my internal struggle would be ended. i don't remember my last "black" sleep. not sure if i've even experienced that ever. as far back as i can remember, it's been light sleep filled with vivid and terrifying dreams. i've never done a sleep study, i'd be interested to see how much i'm 'awake' during the night.

yesterday and today i've been productive (by my standards) and it's been amazing. well today, i did go back to bed until 10, but that's better than noon, right? mark has been working every minute, so i've had so much more 'home' responsibilities put on me (ones that i should have always carried, probably, but didn't). it gives me a feeling of accomplishment that i rarely feel, to know i went grocery shopping, got the laundry done, and the house cleaned all in one day. that's like a week's worth of shit right there. my poor OCD lover doesn't appreciate my side of the closet, or the spot of tile in our bathroom that houses my dirty clothes of the day. but i've washed sheets, the puppy, kitchen floors, made lunches, and successfully put on dinner for 6 night after night. which sounds minimal, but it's so huge for me.

i'm always so tired. so unmotivated. but to see him working so fucking hard for this family makes me force myself (more easily than i thought) to put in effort to pick up his slack (which isn't slack...it's him picking up my slack..). somehow, at the end of each day, it's all done. the kids are all fed, clothed, clean, and happy. we may be exhausted mentally and physically, but it's worth it for the nights when all 7 of us get to cuddle on the couch while each baby fights for prime real estate next to us, the pup asleep on the end of the couch, and we try to keep our eyes open so the kids can drill us with questions. that's what it's all about.

i'm exhausted. i want to cry, laugh, scream, sleep, and dance all at once.

i love my life. fucked up as it may be sometimes. i love it.

endlessly

today started out as a bad day.

mark was up at 5:15 getting ready for work, and out the door by 6:30. he came in to say goodbye to me and i was laying there awake. he knew something was wrong and asked if i was having a bad day, to which i shrugged. he sighed a heavy and long sigh and went to work. i sent him a text at 7:06 that read, 'i can't get out of bed'. i layed there, mind racing, body rested and ready for the day, but mentally unwilling to move.

i forced my mind to allow my body to move and sloppily rolled out of bed, pulled on the shirt and boxers mark had worn the night before. it gives me such comfort to smell him so close to me. i greeted the kids and bronx then flopped on the couch and pulled the blanket up to my eyes. girl child two asked if i had a headache, to which i simply shook my head yes. boy child three brought me a hot cup of coffee and snuggled up next to me with his mis-matched pj's and goofy spongebob slippers. i fed the boys breakfast and shooed them upstairs to play until school.

i blankly stared at the morning news, not absorbing a word of it. i sipped my coffee and kept checking my phone to see how many minutes until i could send the three school going kids outside to wait for the bus. i called them down, hugged and kissed them, and sent them out. i sent the boy in spongebob slippers upstairs to watch netflix and told him i'd be napping if he needed me. i put the pup in his kennel next to my bed and had the big puffy white comforter up over my head by the time the bus pulled up to our house.

i let my mind wander and spin until i dozed off. i dreamt my usual vivid and bizarre dreams. no bad dreams this morning, just dreams of finding money unexpectedly. i usually dream of proposals, and carefree, quiet, precious time with my lover. it's either that or demons, blood thirsty murderers ready to slice my body, being separated from my kids, drowning in deep murky water, or rape and humiliation. i understand why i have the good ones, because those truly are my dreams. the bad ones are just torments from my blessing of a cursed creative mind that always has a dark undertone.

my body and mind passed in and out of sleep while i listened to the same song on repeat. this week it's endlessly by green river ordinance. i've never been so enamoured with another human being. i love him with every cell in my body and every ounce of my heart. he is the days i can't get over, he is the nights that i call home, endlessly, for him i'll always wait.

i got up around 11 and headed outside to look at my flowers. they're blooming so beautifully and i absolutely love watching my yard come to life day by day. i got dressed, and got out of the house. before i knew it, kids were coming home from school and i had a million things to do before dinner. i managed to get them all done, and settled down with my girls to watch how to lose a guy in 10 days with a glass of wine and my projects laid all over the floor, and had to blink a few times to remember that this dream of a life is mine. how lucky am i?! i got everyone cuddled in bed and can't wait to do the same.

today was a victory. it started at 7:06am with my desperate text expressing the darkness of my state of mind, it started with me looking down the barrel of a tuesday with mark at work and several tasks to fulfill. for a second or two i wondered if i'd make it. it's now 9:50pm, and i've had a good day. i've managed to turn it around. i'm mentally exhausted from going round and round with myself, i'm physically exhausted from forced activity, but i'm smiling. i'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. and that's all that matters. living with this disease is crippling and an absolute battle daily, but i still come out swinging. i love my family, i love my life.

love.
love.
love.

farewell, so long

saturday june 12, 2004 i was raped.

me: braces, black tank top, jean shorts, curly unruly hair. virgin. 17.
him: grey t-shirt, khaki shorts, skinny. predator. 26.

his parents threw a baby shower for me in july of 1986. he's in the videos. his parents and mine were close friends. he attended acu (the university where my dad is a professor), and graduated in may of 2004. for those years he was in school, my mother and i would bake cookies every midterm and finals week then hand deliver them to a select few on campus, him being our last stop. his visits always took the longest. he was funny, sweet, full of stories, and i may have had a small 'big brother' crush on him. my parents invited him to sunday lunch after church a few times a semester. i always looked forward to it, because he would come in and play our piano with a talent i'd never seen. he bought me the brand new avril lavigne cd that was coming out because he saw all the posters of her i had in my room. plus, he had the funniest stories of life i'd ever heard. he had girlfriends off and on and was engaged for a year or so of his school time.

at his graduation in may, i dressed as cute as possible for the party at spaghetti warehouse in the mall of abilene later that day. i went to his table and gave him a hug and he slipped me a receipt with his number and email address on it, telling me to stay in touch. i emailed him a few days later, just asking how life in dallas was and how he was doing. we emailed back and forth a few times, and he told me he was coming to abilene to see friends in june and that i should come see him. i happily agreed.

june 12th. i took my SATs that day at the acu campus. once i was done, i was headed to my best friend's house for the weekend. i asked her to drop me by his room at the comfort inn, (where my wedding guests would later stay) and that i would call her when i needed to be picked up. with me i took a photo album of my best friends and my yearbook. i wanted to show him my friends and world. i was excited to see him, the cute older brother i'd never had, but had been in my life since i knew it.

little did i know, he'd made other plans. he had brought with him lingerie, a condom on a lollipop stick, tealight candles for the tub, and a few 'toys'. when he brought out the lingerie suggesting i put it on, my heart flipped. i knew this was wrong. i knew i had to leave. but i couldn't. he didn't use any weapons, but made it clear i could not leave. it took years of therapy to accept the fact that i did all i could. because i could have fought harder, but couldn't. just because i couldn't. because he told me i couldn't go. so i didn't. i called my friend to tell her he'd take me home that night, no big deal.

he raped me at 4:17pm. he ordered pizza for us around 6. forced me into a bath with him around 8. took me home the next morning, dropped me off in the alley behind my house while my parents were at church, around 9am. 17 hours of absolute disgrace and violation.

i told no one, besides my thankfully ex-husband, until 2007. that's when i started seeking counseling for it. i so wanted to tell my parents. it took months of prep for me to tell them. and i regret it. they did the absolute opposite of what i expected. they came to his defense. my dad met him, his father, and an elder in a dallas starbucks one sunday afternoon. i never got to hear what was said, except the fact that he said it was consensual. they never spoke of it again. my mother, months later, even told me about a run in they had with his family and how changed he was.

i promise you if any one of these 5 kids comes to me with a story like that, the motherfucker better be hiding in a ditch because that is not tolerable in any form, and i will protect them at all costs. i will bear my teeth and throw myself over them any day. it was almost as painful as the rape itself, as to how my parents responded to it. it reopened so many wounds and hurts, i felt so abandoned.

i took a bath last december for the first time since then. 7 and a half years later. i did it alone, because it was something i needed to conquer on my own. mark was at work. i filled my wine glass, filled the tub, and stepped in. i felt nauseous and couldn't even force myself to sit in it. i drained it, sucked down my wine, cried, and tried again. so determined to not let him control me anymore. i filled my glass again, filled my tub again, got in, and eventually ended up laying down in there for an hour. i took pictures to celebrate my victory and felt absolutely liberated.

if that bastard ever sets foot in my sights again, i swear to you i'll knee him in his tiny little balls so hard he'll never walk right again. but if he doesn't, i'm going on. happy. not letting that experience hamper my sexual or intimate relationship with mark ever again. i'll go on, knowing i did nothing wrong, knowing i can sleep at night, and hoping he can't. and i will forever hold up my middle finger to him, hoping he goes and fucks himself. because he's the one who took my innocence from me. i never gave it to him, he took it. but i'm stronger for it. i'm free of it.

finally.

up down up down up down

up down up down up down. this week has been up and down more times than i can even attempt to count.

body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)

hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.

parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.

girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.

as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!

up down up down up down.

spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.

this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.

i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.

i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off,  started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.

thankfully, i am now free.

part two

we woke up tangled up. i was beyond thirsty so i told mark i needed a coke. we must have walked 2 miles to find one. it was hot and humid. i talked and never shut up, not for a second. he reached out for my hand. i was sure my heart was going to come shooting out my toes. but i tried to keep it cool. so we walked hand in hand to find a coke. we went to the beach to play in the sand and water. i underestimated the waves...they didn't look threatening, and i assured him i wasn't going to get my hair wet...had to stay cute, of course! i wasn't even up to my knees yet in the water, and the first wave took both of us down before we knew what happened. we came up sputtering and laughing. we sat down in the water and played with the sand, tossing it around and giggling. he suggested we try walking further into the water...he later admitted his intentions were not, as he said, to see how far we could go, but in the hopes he'd get to catch me when the waves knocked me back. he got his way.

for our last night in destin, we decided to order pizza and hang out on the broken boat. i must have spent an hour getting ready. i showed up in a strapless yellow sundress with a bottle of wine. we laughed, joked, cussed, and told stories. eventually mark and i walked to the end of one of the docks. we sat with our feet in the water and talked. there was no sense of time, i couldn't hear anything but my chattering or see anything but him. somehow i told him my entire story while he listened and asked questions. it was the first time in my life i was truly heard. we talked about our shitty relationships and how much we were regretting going "home". we never once shared our feelings for each other. i finished my bottle of shiraz, whispered a wish into the bottle, put the cork back on, and tossed it into the ocean.

even though we didn't sleep, the next morning came way too soon. we knew what it meant. we'd go our separate ways, and would never see each other again. we awkwardly hugged each other goodbye. he told me if i was ever back in tennessee to give him a shout. i weakly smiled, said goodbye to everyone else, and hopped in the car as fast as i could. the 6 hour drive back was miserable. i knew he was on the same highway going to the same place. we got to tennessee and headed to bed. my flight was early the next morning. on the way to the airport, my friend pointed at his exit and said that he was working today just a mile from where we were. my heart was aching, pulling me to where he was. but i ignored it. and went back to texas, to my little boys and my thankfully now ex-husband. guess how long that lasted?

part one

i don't remember much about that time,

just the smell of the air and your hand in mine
riding the strip, sittin' on my lap
in the back of the truck with the only friends I had

it was spring break, we were out late,
and i thought goodness for heavens sake when i saw you
and then I kissed you...
on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend

like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the sound of the boat
starting up, heading out of the bay
girl you faded away.

i still taste the shots on your lips that night,
and the smoke from the club still burns my eyes
feel of your body takin' off your dress,
waking up that morning in a tangled mess.
so if i'd have known, i'da held on
a little bit longer and stronger with nothing to lose,
cause i still see you...

on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend.
i watched you drive through the gate
without saying the words i needed to say.

like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the tears on your face
and the sun going down that day
girl you... faded away
you faded away
-faded away ((luke bryan))

ever almost lose the one thing you could never bear to lose? i almost did. but i didn't. last weekend was just a clusterfuck. it's had me reflecting on what really is important in my life. my priorities. remembering that mark is my number one. if we're not good, the family isn't good. he saves me every day.

part one.

i was sitting in my usual spot...in front of the computer listening to music, dreaming of another life, and reading blogs. of course, i had my bottle of wine right next to me. the nights he was gone, which were most of them, i didn't bother with a glass. i was on facebook and started up a chat with a friend i'd met during my semester at lipscomb in nashville 4 years earlier. we hadn't kept in touch much at all, but that night we poured our hearts out to each other. she suggested i get a plane ticket and come see her for a weekend in tennessee. i bought the ticket, then later that night i told him i was going.

i made it to tennessee, and she was planning on heading to destin that weekend with a group of firefighters. the plan was to lay on the beach all day, then party with them at night. i extended my ticket another 4 days. so desperate for something, anything. she her firefighter buddy worked together and decided mark and i might be a good match for the weekend. i went along with it one, because i was miserable, and two, because i'd seen his picture and i'm not a stupid woman. it was supposed to be a fling. nothing more than a good weekend.

then their boat broke.

that night we went to eat at a restaurant on the coast, then to a crowded bar in the city. he made me laugh harder than i'd laughed in years. it was awkwardly wonderful. i felt like a middle schooler and tripped over myself every time he looked at me. he grabbed my hand and led me through the bar, which was our first physical contact. (except when we first met. i got out of the car, and he hugged me. he said he did it to keep from falling over.) i whispered to my friend asking if she thought he liked me...she told her boyfriend, who, to my horror, loudly asked him if he thought i was cute. he said yes. i was a bumbling fool at this point.

the next morning we went for a drive looking for a waffle house. turns out there were 2 within a mile of our hotel room, but we were too starstruck to see them. so we ended up at chick fil a. we went to a mexican restaurant for lunch, drank margaritas, and then headed back to the broken boat. i hadn't been to the beach yet, so i was trying to persuade my friend to go with me. she didn't want to go, but mark said he'd go. (which was what i was hoping for anyway...) so we made it to the beach right at sunset. we walked out to the water and i chatted his ear off. telling him every story i'd ever heard. we people watched, but mainly just watched each other....
that night we got ready to go out, got in the truck, and i was trying to be a badass and drive the monster. (because i'm from texas and know how to drive a truck...?...ha) mark was next to me and next thing i know, i look over and he's on the ground on his back. all i see are his flip flops in the air. apparently he didn't realize the door was open and was trying to show off. he had to change. while i sat in the truck and giggled. we went to aj's which is a bar looking over the ocean. we drank and sang and danced. i asked him to show me where the bathrooms were, and so he came with me. once i came out, he was standing against the rail of a balcony over the water. i went to him, and he kissed me. i was sure i was in a movie. or dream. or something. it was unbelieveably surreal. we spent that night steaming up truck windows...which would have been romantic if it weren't for the van full of a family next to us that stayed there ALL NIGHT.

....part two coming up next...the rest of our first weekend together, then the whirlwind of a story we have after that. this man is my rock, my lover, my best friend.

encouragement

i know i've been neglecting this blog for the past 5 months or so...but thank you for all the sweet and encouraging messages and emails. i love you all. i couldn't do it without you. love love love. thank you. yall are amazing.

living...honestly.

hold on if you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

i have found it. i have found that place of total comfort and love. so cliche but i feel like i'm literally tucked under a protective wing. i feel like i have someone surrounding every ounce of me, protecting me. and i can breathe. and i can rest. and oh how i needed it. it still feels new, but weirdly comfortable. i can say this, and mean it with 100% of my being...for the first. the FIRST. time in my life, i can be who i truly am. i'm not stuffed in a box. there are no boundaries, just purely feeling out myself and who i am. and i'm embracing it. and love's embracing it. and it's absolutely incredible. how have i been missing this my entire life?! how did i ever survive? i don't know. all i know is it's still hard to live the life you choose.

my depression rears it's ugly head more than i'd like. more than i can control. love is all brand new to it, so i've realized how difficult it is to explain. how do you describe such a complex and scary thing? so i allude it to a cloud. a dark, heavy cloud that pushes into me on all sides and follows me everywhere. that creepy antidepressant commercial with the wind up doll? yeah that's actually pretty good. in order to do something as simple as get out of bed requires "winding up". i have to tell myself it's just a day and i'll get through it because i have to. because the clock moves no matter what. and i watch the day move by, however slowly. shamefully, as i sit here, i didn't shower today and am still in the pjs i put on last night. some days i have to rest and stop fighting.


my panic attacks have worsened lately, but i think that's just normal life stresses...my brain tends to overheat rather easily. i keep trying to get myself in my craft room to get working on things...but i put it off. i think i'm almost scared of it. some nights i just get in a funk and i feel like i have enough control to pull myself out of it, but i choose not to. because i'm scared. because it's almost easier to just let it take over. because it's all i've ever known.

other times it takes every ounce of strength, every thought must be directed, just to function.

and other times i can just soak up love, sunshine, life, and laughter. and be ok. which is incredible.

and still other times i can't stop crying. for no reason. and love holds me and pretends to be strong, even though i know fear is the overwhelming emotion. but i just can't speak. or breathe. and it hurts, physically hurts. and love hurts with me.

i'm not alone anymore. i'm admired. i'm held. i'm supported. i'm encouraged. i'm beautiful. i'm full. i'm whole. i'm me. love.

so as for now, i'm managing this roller coaster of an illness with walks in the sunshine, vitamins, acceptance, hugs, b12 shots, tears, healthy eating and living, and love. putting off getting on an antidepressant, but feeling it's impending doom.

i'll keep you posted. like i said, it's hard to live the life you choose, but what a wonderful ride it is. i wouldn't ever go back. this is living. this is love. this is incredible.

can it be? is it she?

i'm officially

happy.

can.you.even.believe.it.

cause i can't.

i don't know why, i don't know what happened. i won't question it. i think i'll just jump up and down and sing about it. i haven't felt like this in years. and i'm not exaggerating. i'm talking 5 plus years.

i'm still struggling with my faith in god. questioning, wondering, thinking. i'd rather question and be uncertain than buy into the hype and just accept my parent's faith. i want to be true.genuine.real.consistent.

nathan swore into the marines today. i'm happy for him, and proud of him...but i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack in the office. my heart was racing, my hands were sweating, i was shaking and nauseous. i wanted to tell him not to, like i did 2 years ago. it was strange.  and it subsided.

i didn't tell him that. i guess he'll find out here.
[i did everything for you]

i actually feel stupid being happy. i'm so used to being gloomy. it's something i'm willing to feel stupid for. i can't even describe the weight that has been lifted off my soul.

so wish me luck. i'm off to shit rainbows and star gaze.