crazy is what they all said
craziness lives in my head
crazy lies in my bed
worry, worrying about everything
worry it makes me insane
so much it drives me away
lonely, loneliness follows me around
loneliness drags me down
still lonely with others around
we went to dinner last night with some of mark's friends. i couldn't help but look around the table, taking in their conversation, wishing i was as educated, as grounded as they all seemed to be. one has a marriage falling at his feet, yet he still seemed to be more rooted than i felt. the others collectively are RNs, paramedics, working for lifeflight, firefighters, EMTs, graduates with four year degrees...maybe my dad was right. you can't make it without college. education. certifications. i'm getting a full time job in august to help support my family. my options are so very limited, and so "entry-level-minimum-wage-terrible-jobs-i-don't-want". i could go back to school and do anything, yes. but that's another year after another year of no salary...just adding debt.
my dream job? to stay home and create. write a book. decorate rooms. cook fabulous meals. attempt this "super mom" thing. being a grown up and facing real life is a bitch. why couldn't i wait to grow up again?! i watch our kids with their saturdays filled with pools, friends, sleeping in, ps3 wars, parks, and being served every meal three times a day. i remember those days. those saturdays i spent in my room making neckalces for my friends, attempting crazy hairstyles, experimenting with makeup, just wishing to be older. a grownup. i was so damn blind. i can only hope to reach through to these kids that they have it made right now and should just soak it up. (even if it makes more work for me)
but wishing things had been different in the past accomplishes nothing. plus, if everything went the way i thought it would go when i was that 13 year old dreaming in my room, i'd never have my two boys. i'd have never met mark and been able to be a mother to his three children. i'd have never found this wonderful, fun, spontaneous, crazy life i have with the love i always dreamed of, the five crazy kids i always wanted, and the big dumb great dane i never knew i wanted. how perfect and wonderful is my life. no matter how high my blood pressure gets while paying bills, no matter how much dread i feel in knowing this is my last summer as a stay at home mother (aka unemployed), none of it matters when i step back and look at it all. my beautiful home, my more than willing boyfriend working two jobs for us, my sweet kids that let me sleep in on saturdays and cuddle me at night, my sweet big pup that likes to sleep with me on nights mark is gone, my big glass of wine that affords me a few hours of sleep every night...everything.
i struggle, i cry, i have bad days, i pout, i long for my family, i miss my daddy, i get pissy with kids, i smack the dog, i drag my feet with chores, i go back to bed once the kids are gone, i skip showers....
but i also; pretend to sing, sneak up the stairs to listen to our precious children giggling, cuddle with my puppy at night, walk into the kids rooms while they're at school just to smell them, get out of bed, and run this insane house of 8 every day.
mark working two jobs is so hard for me, but it's also inspiring. he is working so so so hard for us. tonight his shift is from 7pm-7am, then he works at the fire department from 7am-7am. what an amazing man to pull a 36 hour shift for his family with no sleep. so what will i do tomorrow? laundry. dishes. gym. dog training. lunch making. kid bathing. make dinner. watch shows with kids. kiss them all, tuck them in, and thank this life that i'm such a lucky girl.
trying to be positive. trying trying trying. as i sob into my wine.
missing desperately, absolutely desperately; my lover, my best friend. and holding up the fort, being strong for him, for this crazy family.
i do, i truly do, love my life. it's just so hard.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
preoccupied update
last weekend went so much better than i expected. our date night was fabulous. we spent it on the patio of our favorite mexican restaurant with 3 or 4 pitchers of margaritas, people judging watching, laughs, and plenty of flirtatious giggles. we came home and thoroughly enjoyed our quiet and empty home. then made it not so quiet. we ended up staying up most of the night, then got to sleep in a little before headed to his parents' for brunch and coffee. the cinco de mayo neighborhood party was a blast, and we loved getting to meet new friends. plus, get togethers like that remind me how thankful i am for our kiddos. they're such well behaved and sweet little humans. i don't miss the screaming toddler stage.
mark started his second job on monday. he has clocked 106 hours so far this week between the two. needless to say, i fucking miss him. on the same hand, i'm so so so thankful for his willingness and ability to work. he has always been such a hard worker. i have no intentions of running him into the ground with it all as previous situations have, instead i am inspired to be better every minute. it's because of him i don't have to work at some job i hate. it's because of his trust and love that he has put me in charge of our home, our kids, and our finances.
i won't lie, it's an art form to get our bills paid and checkbook balanced every month, but this new job will really give us some much needed breathing room for the summer. we can go on vacation, enjoy ourselves, and spoil the kids. then in august i'm getting a full time job. growing up sucks. but i've got to do it. poor mark is driving my piece of shit car (wait, i'm sorry, HIS piece-of-shit-car-that-i-signed-over-to-him-for-the-firefighter-tags-that-get-us-out-of-having-to-get-it-inspected) that is bound to blow up any day now, while i get to drive his pretty, shiny, new, tahoe.
what a wonderful man he is. what a lucky gal i am.
there's a comfort in the rain only lovers know...
...give me your forever...please your forever...not a day less will do...from you...
what a coincidence this song is playing as i write this. talk about tears running down my face as fast as i can get the words out...god this man owns my heart.
***********
my sleep hasn't improved. at all. dream after dream after nightmare after nightmare. always so vivid, i would love to capture them in video to show the world how fucked up my brain is. it's so creatively brilliant but so hideous at the same time. sometimes i think if i could just sleep right, sleep well, through the night, that half my internal struggle would be ended. i don't remember my last "black" sleep. not sure if i've even experienced that ever. as far back as i can remember, it's been light sleep filled with vivid and terrifying dreams. i've never done a sleep study, i'd be interested to see how much i'm 'awake' during the night.
yesterday and today i've been productive (by my standards) and it's been amazing. well today, i did go back to bed until 10, but that's better than noon, right? mark has been working every minute, so i've had so much more 'home' responsibilities put on me (ones that i should have always carried, probably, but didn't). it gives me a feeling of accomplishment that i rarely feel, to know i went grocery shopping, got the laundry done, and the house cleaned all in one day. that's like a week's worth of shit right there. my poor OCD lover doesn't appreciate my side of the closet, or the spot of tile in our bathroom that houses my dirty clothes of the day. but i've washed sheets, the puppy, kitchen floors, made lunches, and successfully put on dinner for 6 night after night. which sounds minimal, but it's so huge for me.
i'm always so tired. so unmotivated. but to see him working so fucking hard for this family makes me force myself (more easily than i thought) to put in effort to pick up his slack (which isn't slack...it's him picking up my slack..). somehow, at the end of each day, it's all done. the kids are all fed, clothed, clean, and happy. we may be exhausted mentally and physically, but it's worth it for the nights when all 7 of us get to cuddle on the couch while each baby fights for prime real estate next to us, the pup asleep on the end of the couch, and we try to keep our eyes open so the kids can drill us with questions. that's what it's all about.
i'm exhausted. i want to cry, laugh, scream, sleep, and dance all at once.
i love my life. fucked up as it may be sometimes. i love it.
mark started his second job on monday. he has clocked 106 hours so far this week between the two. needless to say, i fucking miss him. on the same hand, i'm so so so thankful for his willingness and ability to work. he has always been such a hard worker. i have no intentions of running him into the ground with it all as previous situations have, instead i am inspired to be better every minute. it's because of him i don't have to work at some job i hate. it's because of his trust and love that he has put me in charge of our home, our kids, and our finances.
i won't lie, it's an art form to get our bills paid and checkbook balanced every month, but this new job will really give us some much needed breathing room for the summer. we can go on vacation, enjoy ourselves, and spoil the kids. then in august i'm getting a full time job. growing up sucks. but i've got to do it. poor mark is driving my piece of shit car (wait, i'm sorry, HIS piece-of-shit-car-that-i-signed-over-to-him-for-the-firefighter-tags-that-get-us-out-of-having-to-get-it-inspected) that is bound to blow up any day now, while i get to drive his pretty, shiny, new, tahoe.
what a wonderful man he is. what a lucky gal i am.
there's a comfort in the rain only lovers know...
...give me your forever...please your forever...not a day less will do...from you...
what a coincidence this song is playing as i write this. talk about tears running down my face as fast as i can get the words out...god this man owns my heart.
***********
my sleep hasn't improved. at all. dream after dream after nightmare after nightmare. always so vivid, i would love to capture them in video to show the world how fucked up my brain is. it's so creatively brilliant but so hideous at the same time. sometimes i think if i could just sleep right, sleep well, through the night, that half my internal struggle would be ended. i don't remember my last "black" sleep. not sure if i've even experienced that ever. as far back as i can remember, it's been light sleep filled with vivid and terrifying dreams. i've never done a sleep study, i'd be interested to see how much i'm 'awake' during the night.
yesterday and today i've been productive (by my standards) and it's been amazing. well today, i did go back to bed until 10, but that's better than noon, right? mark has been working every minute, so i've had so much more 'home' responsibilities put on me (ones that i should have always carried, probably, but didn't). it gives me a feeling of accomplishment that i rarely feel, to know i went grocery shopping, got the laundry done, and the house cleaned all in one day. that's like a week's worth of shit right there. my poor OCD lover doesn't appreciate my side of the closet, or the spot of tile in our bathroom that houses my dirty clothes of the day. but i've washed sheets, the puppy, kitchen floors, made lunches, and successfully put on dinner for 6 night after night. which sounds minimal, but it's so huge for me.
i'm always so tired. so unmotivated. but to see him working so fucking hard for this family makes me force myself (more easily than i thought) to put in effort to pick up his slack (which isn't slack...it's him picking up my slack..). somehow, at the end of each day, it's all done. the kids are all fed, clothed, clean, and happy. we may be exhausted mentally and physically, but it's worth it for the nights when all 7 of us get to cuddle on the couch while each baby fights for prime real estate next to us, the pup asleep on the end of the couch, and we try to keep our eyes open so the kids can drill us with questions. that's what it's all about.
i'm exhausted. i want to cry, laugh, scream, sleep, and dance all at once.
i love my life. fucked up as it may be sometimes. i love it.
Friday, April 6, 2012
how can you say that your truth is better than ours?
one of the questions i've been asked recently is this, "the children are too young for atheist views..." this coming from someone who hasn't spent a day in our home with our children seeing how we parent. if that's the case, can i pose this question? are they too young for christian views? easily enough for them, christianity is taught to young children through stories from the old testament (aka really old and worn out fairy tales), so children undoubtedly grasp onto these stories and then tend to fall in line with the rest of them until somewhere around high school. then, they start to ask questions and doubt the validity of this thing, this book, this "god" who has somehow become what their lives have been all about (and what every action, word, and thought should be about..), but whom they have never seen, heard, or felt. noah's ark? really? i'd like to introduce the rickey gervais' version of noah's ark...
he's brilliant.
ok so back to the point of how we're raising our kids. pretty sure you can all guess how i was raised. everything was church, god, fear, jesus, foofoo, or some shit. that's a whole other story. one my therapist knows quite well. mark was raised in an indifferent home. his parents believed in god, but never pushed church on him. mythankfully ex-husband was raised in a christian home, just not quite as stringent as mine. he didn't have a personal preference as to how we raised the kids, either. i was the driving force to go to church the 4 years we were married. plus, given his lack of interest in the bringing up of his children, and the custody order that gives me the full benefit of raising them in whatever religious/non-religious way i like, i march ahead with what i think is best for the kids. mark's late wife believed in god, and attended church from time to time, but felt that it wasn't a necessary thing to participate in weekly. to her, it was more of a supportive and social network of friends. (MOPS groups, etc)
so we meet in the middle. we're raising our kids to be free thinkers.
Freethought is a philosophical viewpoint that holds opinions should be formed on the basis of science, logic, and reason, and should not be influenced by authority, tradition, or other dogmas. thanks wikipedia.
oliver is currently in a mother's day out program at a baptist church, the same one jake went to for 2 years. he comes home with all sorts of biblical coloring pages. our response every time is, "great job coloring oliver!" and when he came home with all his easter memorabilia, and his stories of jesus' resurrection, my response was, "that's what some people believe. other people don't. and it's ok either way!"
we don't go to church, we don't pray, we don't read bible stories at night. we also don't hold seances, devil worship, or dress up in devil suits and chase the kids around with pitchforks. we do, however, expect our children to respect others, tell the truth, honor authority figures, use manners, be humble, and to be grateful for everything they have been afforded in this life. when it comes to issues of the world, such as love, loss, hurt, and unfairness, we teach them reality. love is hard. loss is painful. hurt is a reality. unfairness is everywhere. in that, we teach them to love carefully, process loss, manage hurt, and accept unfairness. we are trying to prepare them for this world. we also show them how amazing life can be. these kids have collectively lost three significant parents in their lives. they'll never forget any of those special people in their lives. we threw them into this crazy, busy, loud family of 7, with our relationship just as young and new as theirs. and guess what?! they're happy. life is fun, sunshine is good, growing up is hard. at the end of the day, though, this is our family. we stand together.
we don't talk religion to the kids, we take an indifferent approach for now. if any of them were to decide to start going to church, we'd be more than happy to take them every sunday. if they are curious about our views, we'll tell them without hesitation. just out of curiosity as to where they all stood in their young little lives, i took a little survey this morning. i asked each one independently and reassured them there was no pressure, no big deal. here's how it turned out.
girl child one (12 ((one week from today anyway)) )
he's brilliant.
ok so back to the point of how we're raising our kids. pretty sure you can all guess how i was raised. everything was church, god, fear, jesus, foofoo, or some shit. that's a whole other story. one my therapist knows quite well. mark was raised in an indifferent home. his parents believed in god, but never pushed church on him. my
so we meet in the middle. we're raising our kids to be free thinkers.
Freethought is a philosophical viewpoint that holds opinions should be formed on the basis of science, logic, and reason, and should not be influenced by authority, tradition, or other dogmas. thanks wikipedia.
oliver is currently in a mother's day out program at a baptist church, the same one jake went to for 2 years. he comes home with all sorts of biblical coloring pages. our response every time is, "great job coloring oliver!" and when he came home with all his easter memorabilia, and his stories of jesus' resurrection, my response was, "that's what some people believe. other people don't. and it's ok either way!"
we don't go to church, we don't pray, we don't read bible stories at night. we also don't hold seances, devil worship, or dress up in devil suits and chase the kids around with pitchforks. we do, however, expect our children to respect others, tell the truth, honor authority figures, use manners, be humble, and to be grateful for everything they have been afforded in this life. when it comes to issues of the world, such as love, loss, hurt, and unfairness, we teach them reality. love is hard. loss is painful. hurt is a reality. unfairness is everywhere. in that, we teach them to love carefully, process loss, manage hurt, and accept unfairness. we are trying to prepare them for this world. we also show them how amazing life can be. these kids have collectively lost three significant parents in their lives. they'll never forget any of those special people in their lives. we threw them into this crazy, busy, loud family of 7, with our relationship just as young and new as theirs. and guess what?! they're happy. life is fun, sunshine is good, growing up is hard. at the end of the day, though, this is our family. we stand together.
we don't talk religion to the kids, we take an indifferent approach for now. if any of them were to decide to start going to church, we'd be more than happy to take them every sunday. if they are curious about our views, we'll tell them without hesitation. just out of curiosity as to where they all stood in their young little lives, i took a little survey this morning. i asked each one independently and reassured them there was no pressure, no big deal. here's how it turned out.
girl child one (12 ((one week from today anyway)) )
- do you believe in god?
- no
- why?
- i don't know
- what happens when you die?
- you go to heaven. well, only the good people.
- are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
- yes and yes
- why?
- because i know that's the right thing to do
- do you believe in god?
- sort of, no. like 80 percent no.
- why?
- because sometimes i wish for stuff and it does happen, but sometimes i wish for stuff and it doesn't happen
- what happens to you when you die?
- you go to heaven
- who decides that?
- the people at the funeral
- are you nice to others? do you listen and obey adults?
- yes, of course
- why?
- because it's the kind thing to do
- do you believe in god?
- yes
- why?
- i don't know
- what happens when you die?
- you go to a grave and then to heaven if you're good
- are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
- i try to, i try to
- why?
- because i just want to be a good person and be good
- do you believe in god?
- yes
- why?
- because then people wouldn't be made
- what happens to you when you die?
- you get buried
- do you think that after you're buried you go to heaven?
- no, you're just buried and they give you flowers
- are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
- yes, yes
- why?
- i just know what's good and bad
- do you believe in god?
- yes
- why?
- because the bible says he's real
- what happens to you when you die?
- you go to heaven
- everyone goes to heaven?
- yes, everyone, even the bad guys
- are you nice to others? do you listen and obey adults?
- yes, yes
- why?
- because i want to be nice to friends so i don't get in trouble
- do you believe in god?
- no
- why?
- i've seen a lot of bad things around the world and on this job, and no one, no "god", would allow some (if not ANY) of those things to happen
- what to you believe happens to you when you die?
- death to me is life before birth, you don't remember or feel anything before birth and that is death
- are you a good person? do you try to do right by people? do you respect authorities? why?
- i am a great person. i fought for this country and its rights to believe or not believe whatever one chooses. i risk my life every third day at work for people i don't even know. it doesn't matter to me what they believe or don't believe, it's not my job to judge them. it's my job to save them, and be there for them in their time of crisis.
- do you believe in god?
- nope
- why?
- because the whole "god" thing makes no sense to me
- what happens to you when you die?
- worm food
- are you nice to others? do you respect authorities? do you generally try to do right by people?
- i pay my taxes, i return the carts to the cart spot no matter what, even if it's pouring outside, i put others before myself
- why?
- because i'm not a douche
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
up down up down up down
up down up down up down. this week has been up and down more times than i can even attempt to count.
body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)
hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.
parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.
girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.
as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!
up down up down up down.
spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.
this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.
i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.
i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off, started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.
thankfully, i am now free.
body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)
hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.
parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.
girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.
as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!
up down up down up down.
spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.
this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.
i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.
i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off, started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.
thankfully, i am now free.
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