can it be? is it she?

i'm officially

happy.

can.you.even.believe.it.

cause i can't.

i don't know why, i don't know what happened. i won't question it. i think i'll just jump up and down and sing about it. i haven't felt like this in years. and i'm not exaggerating. i'm talking 5 plus years.

i'm still struggling with my faith in god. questioning, wondering, thinking. i'd rather question and be uncertain than buy into the hype and just accept my parent's faith. i want to be true.genuine.real.consistent.

nathan swore into the marines today. i'm happy for him, and proud of him...but i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack in the office. my heart was racing, my hands were sweating, i was shaking and nauseous. i wanted to tell him not to, like i did 2 years ago. it was strange.  and it subsided.

i didn't tell him that. i guess he'll find out here.
[i did everything for you]

i actually feel stupid being happy. i'm so used to being gloomy. it's something i'm willing to feel stupid for. i can't even describe the weight that has been lifted off my soul.

so wish me luck. i'm off to shit rainbows and star gaze.