endlessly

today started out as a bad day.

mark was up at 5:15 getting ready for work, and out the door by 6:30. he came in to say goodbye to me and i was laying there awake. he knew something was wrong and asked if i was having a bad day, to which i shrugged. he sighed a heavy and long sigh and went to work. i sent him a text at 7:06 that read, 'i can't get out of bed'. i layed there, mind racing, body rested and ready for the day, but mentally unwilling to move.

i forced my mind to allow my body to move and sloppily rolled out of bed, pulled on the shirt and boxers mark had worn the night before. it gives me such comfort to smell him so close to me. i greeted the kids and bronx then flopped on the couch and pulled the blanket up to my eyes. girl child two asked if i had a headache, to which i simply shook my head yes. boy child three brought me a hot cup of coffee and snuggled up next to me with his mis-matched pj's and goofy spongebob slippers. i fed the boys breakfast and shooed them upstairs to play until school.

i blankly stared at the morning news, not absorbing a word of it. i sipped my coffee and kept checking my phone to see how many minutes until i could send the three school going kids outside to wait for the bus. i called them down, hugged and kissed them, and sent them out. i sent the boy in spongebob slippers upstairs to watch netflix and told him i'd be napping if he needed me. i put the pup in his kennel next to my bed and had the big puffy white comforter up over my head by the time the bus pulled up to our house.

i let my mind wander and spin until i dozed off. i dreamt my usual vivid and bizarre dreams. no bad dreams this morning, just dreams of finding money unexpectedly. i usually dream of proposals, and carefree, quiet, precious time with my lover. it's either that or demons, blood thirsty murderers ready to slice my body, being separated from my kids, drowning in deep murky water, or rape and humiliation. i understand why i have the good ones, because those truly are my dreams. the bad ones are just torments from my blessing of a cursed creative mind that always has a dark undertone.

my body and mind passed in and out of sleep while i listened to the same song on repeat. this week it's endlessly by green river ordinance. i've never been so enamoured with another human being. i love him with every cell in my body and every ounce of my heart. he is the days i can't get over, he is the nights that i call home, endlessly, for him i'll always wait.

i got up around 11 and headed outside to look at my flowers. they're blooming so beautifully and i absolutely love watching my yard come to life day by day. i got dressed, and got out of the house. before i knew it, kids were coming home from school and i had a million things to do before dinner. i managed to get them all done, and settled down with my girls to watch how to lose a guy in 10 days with a glass of wine and my projects laid all over the floor, and had to blink a few times to remember that this dream of a life is mine. how lucky am i?! i got everyone cuddled in bed and can't wait to do the same.

today was a victory. it started at 7:06am with my desperate text expressing the darkness of my state of mind, it started with me looking down the barrel of a tuesday with mark at work and several tasks to fulfill. for a second or two i wondered if i'd make it. it's now 9:50pm, and i've had a good day. i've managed to turn it around. i'm mentally exhausted from going round and round with myself, i'm physically exhausted from forced activity, but i'm smiling. i'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. and that's all that matters. living with this disease is crippling and an absolute battle daily, but i still come out swinging. i love my family, i love my life.

love.
love.
love.

wait

feeling on the verge of some great truth

where i'm finally in my place

but i'm fumbling still fool proof

and it's cluttering my space

casting shadows on my face

and though i have the strength to move a hill

i can hardly leave my room

so i'll sit perfectly still

and i'll listen for a tune

while my mind is on the moon

and if i stumble

and if i stall

and if i slip now

and if i should fall

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

cause everywhere i seem to be

i am only passing through

i dream these days about the sea

i always wake up feeling blue

wishing i could dream of you

so if i stumble

and if i fall

and if i slip now

and lose it all

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

wait by alexi murdoch

[[been listening to this song on repeat for an hour. i have no other words to describe how i feel. can i just say how much i hate this.]]

bulletproof weeks

i can't breathe.

it is the opinion of my psychologist and my dad that i should get off all medication.

i'm going to need a barf bag and a box of kleenex.

listening to some mad hope by matt nathanson isn't the best choice.