lack of anything

i'm feeling a lacking of everything. most of all hope.

my hope has taken a nose dive this week. today being the worst of it all. life sucks sometimes.

imagine the worst, most demoralizing job you could every apply for. then go in for an interview, thinking "how could they NOT call me back." i mean the chick in front of me came in wearing sweats for gods sake. so all day today i kept my phone by me waiting on a sure phone call from a job i absolutely can't believe i even lowered myself to apply for. and it didn't come. needless to say, i made quite a strong drink and cried.

i'm so sick of this stupid game. i've applied for over 40 jobs. i've had three potentials come out of it. one was a scam i fell for somehow and ended up canceling mark's debit card over it. gave them my social and everything else though. i'm a fucking idiot sometimes. i'm 26 not 80 and naive about computer shit. the other fizzled out into nothing. and the last one required i work holidays and that's just not happening. i guess at some point beggars can't be choosers but dammit.

i feel like i'm letting my family down by not working. our kids deserve a fabulous christmas, and our credit cards deserve a fucking break. i do my best to be a mom, to run this crazy home, to cook, clean, to love. but sometimes i just feel so inadequate. what a low day for me.

but i carry on. because i'm thankful for my best friend and lover, for my kids, for my home, my life. and no matter how scary bills get, and no matter how many shitty ass jobs don't call me back, i have 6 crazy and amazing reasons to smile about. maybe 7 if you count bronx.

i do it for him. and her. and her. and him. and him.

lonely side of love

i've decided to, once again, make this blog private. i will continue to write about what i feel, raw, uncensored, freely. i'm working to repair some very important relationships, and this blog seems to be hindering them. gotta love chitter chatter, gossip, and judgement. it makes the world go 'round, i suppose.

want to continue reading? email me here and let me know.

unlike before, i welcome family and friends alike. (and for those of you creeper facebook friends that read and are embarrassed to ask, don't be...i'm just as nosy as the next person :) i simply need to close it down from the 'public' eye.

thank you for the ever constant support you provide. this blog has been better than $100 an hour therapy in so many ways.

it will go private tomorrow night (5/30) by midnight.

love.

fuckery

guess who didn't call oliver on his fifth birthday?! his dad. shocker. what a miserable excuse for a parent. you're a terrible, horrible, no good, excuse for a "father" to my child. i thank god every day they have a real father in their lives.

also, i just love conversations about my parents' third grandchild. makes me relive those oh-so-happy days of my two pregnancies, where i was nothing less than shunned. i fondly recalled my ob-gyn appointments back in 2005. alone, scared, and when i asked if anyone cared to know the sex...what wonderful times. even better when i was dropped off at the medicaid office being told "good luck"...even better. god i wish i'd had a legitimate child. oh well.

i have my live in boyfriend, his three children (whose mother died of cancer, leaving me their mother for all intensive purposes) to take care of. oh and my one super illegitimate child, and other semi illegitimate child to care for. and the dog we paid way too much for. oh and the chains and whips we keep under our bed. and the upside down cross in the living room we gather around every saturday night.

fuck it. i'll just head to church and repent and give 10% of my child support check (should i receive it) each week to the church. then, i'll pray. and everything will be magical. and i will be loved and accepted by my wonderful christian family. and we'll laugh and play board games.

or...i could work my ass off at being the best mother, partner, and friend i can be. put every penny of my measly child support check (should i receive it) into buying and preparing food for my family of 5 growing kids, spend 100 hours a week without my partner while he works two jobs to support the seven of us, and spend it teaching our children fun games in the yard or tricks to cleaning the house or buying them slushies at sonic that they later spill everywhere. i tucked them into bed, tickling each one and making each one laugh and giggle before kissing them goodnight. and i'm fucking satisfied. i have done my best, a damned good job today. i'm glad i didn't waste 4 good hours of my sunday at church pretending to be amazing. i love my little dysfunctional and ever insane family. i do not regret a single second of my life with them. i do not regret (as painful as it is) losing an entire family over a religion and life choice. i am strong, i am a good person, i am an amazing mother. i'd be more than happy to show you my favorite finger if you think otherwise.

this is not a feel-sorry-for-little-ol-me post. this is a fuck-you-i'm-stronger-than-you-think posts.

so, fuck you.

attacked

these past few weeks have brought me back to feeling a need to be overwhelming self-preserving. i've felt this way before, of course. throwing up walls and shit.

once, when i was 17 and raped by a close family friend who was 26, but was too scared to tell anyone except my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband, a mere 6 months later when i found out i was pregnant january of my senior year at a christian school by my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband.

then, when i planned to abort my fetus (now, my sunshine)

then when i was forced by a christian adoption agency and my parents to adopt him out. how irresponsible it would be, for an 18 year old, to become a mother.

then by my family, claiming i was on my own should i choose motherhood at 18.

then by the christian adoption agency, the adoptive family, my family, and basically everyone in my life except for a precious handful, when i chose motherhood 10 days before the birth of my sunshine, aidan.

then again, when i conceived my second (which was "legitimate"...so it confused me a bit)...i believe my mother's exact words were, "oh i'm so sorry hilary, what are you going to do?!" and my dad said "...congratulations" in the most depressing way ever.

then again when i told my family of my rape and ....nothing.... was done. well, a discreet meeting with elders and prayer groups happened...but that didn't benefit me in the slightest. i was hoping for a castration. instead i got prayers and doubt.

then, when i realized my (gratefully) ex-husband was scared of my disease, of my depression and bipolarism, and ran away from me dropping me in a ditch to fend for myself in the dark. with an infant on my tit and a 2 year old on my hip.

then, when i was at the point of taking the babies in the car with me on drives at night for the sole reason i wouldn't run my car off the highway into a tree and would keep them safe, even if i couldn't/didn't want to keep myself safe.

then, when i stood up to everyone. and i mean everyone. and left my life in texas to start a new (and unplanned! oh the horror!) life in tennessee.

i had no consistent supporter, no one who stood by me all that time, no fairy in the sky who held my hand, nothing. but myself. and my own strength. and my will to survive. it wasn't graceful, or pretty, or easy. it was gut wrenching, excruciating, and raw. it was nasty, and at my lowest point i was barely holding my head up, slumped in the corner of the bathroom wishing for death with a razor blade in my hand.

but here i am. here WE are. because that free spirit in me that my family has always cursed, came out when nothing else would. because i'm stronger than all that. because life is for living. because i'm not a coward, i'm not willing to live a half-ass life and be miserable. god doesn't inspire me anymore. my children do. the sun does. my wonderful partnership with the most amazing man i've ever heard of does. colors do. stolen giggles behind closed doors do. this is life. this is MY life.

well now that we're current...back to the past few weeks. the first incident...well the information i can tell you is very limited pending a man twice my age growing a ball or two. i should lend him one of mine. if he ever does, i'll explain in detail. it'll be comical at that point. right now it makes my ears burn and my heart explode in anger. anyway, in once sentence, he works with the same fire department mark works at, and his wife went off her fucking rocker and came to my house, attacked me and threatened my family over about 10 text messages and a few exchanges of (accused, NOT EVER proven) googly eyes. so far, he has yet to sprout even the slightest hint of a silver chest hair and deal with this situation.

second incident. my puppy, my boy, my joey, attacked me. in a more literal sense. here's what i typed up for animal control:

February 15, 2012


I was sitting in the living room on the floor painting my nails. Joey (our 90 pound, 10 month old Great Dane) kept sticking his nose in everything and wouldn't lay on the couch, so I said “Joey, let's go outside.” He started bounding in circles from the kitchen to the living room. He has done this before but always stops after one or two circles and sits in his corner because he knows he's wrong. He continued to go in circles despite my verbal commands. I caught him and grabbed his collar and told him he was going outside, and he turned and latched on to my left forearm. I was startled and let him go. I then knew he wasn't playing and I knew I had to get the kids back. I had all 5 of my children at home, one at the kitchen table doing homework (age 6), one outside (age 5), two in their room (ages 11 and 9), and one upstairs (age 4). The one doing homework at the table got up to try and help me and I told him to sit and not get up. Joey lunged at me and was jumping up at me with all of his teeth bared. I caught him again by his collar, and pulled it off because it's loose. He continued lunging at me. At this point I was crying, shaking, and very scared. I grabbed him by the back of the neck, and attempted to drag him upstairs to where his kennel is. He turned and bit my left leg and tore a hole in my pants. I knew I couldn't get him upstairs, so I tried to drag him to the back door. He got away from me, and I was trying to catch him, and he came up behind me and jumped on my back, pushing my shoulders with his front paws and I fell down. He then grabbed my pony tail and pulled it. My adrenaline kicked in, and I somehow flipped him on his back and basically body slammed him to the ground and he knocked into a shelf and knocked a bunch of things over. I had him pinned to the ground and nearly strangled him. I then held onto his neck as hard as I could and tried to drag him to the front door, desperate to get him out of the house. He got away from me, and I called the 9 year old to stand in the doorway to help me catch him. He lunged at her and I caught him from behind. I grabbed his neck and he bit down on my left forearm and held on tight, gnawing at it. I just let him hold on and got him out the back door. I yelled at the child outside to come in and held onto Joey until he did. I then let him go and shut the door. He tried to follow me back in but moved his head just in time. I called my husband, who was at work, in a panic. He came home immediately and put Joey in his kennel. We let him out only to eat and go potty. I have never been so terrified in my life. I felt like I was fighting for my life, and for my children. I know if he wanted to he could have easily killed me. This act of aggression is inexcusable, and for the safety of myself and my children, my husband and I have decided he needs to be put down.

and he was put down on saturday the 18th. we had a behaviorist come to our home on friday after the attack. she has 25 years experience and travels to train k9 units for police departments, and specializes in aggressive dogs. she said joey is the third scariest dog she's ever encountered. she got a total creeper vibe from him the second she walked into the house. which really disturbed me...we knew nothing. but we're looking into another great dane. we just love the breed. he was mentally ill, and needed to go. but one bad one doesn't mean the whole breed is bad. he was such a sweetheart before all this, and exactly what we wanted out of a dog. the kids took it better than mark or i did. resilient.

so all this word vomit to say....i'm strong. you're strong. when you're at the bottom of your world, you're strong. not because you choose it. not because you roll up your sleeves and fight. because you survive. which is all it takes. just survive. life is good. love is good. everything changes.

closer

and here i sit.

somehow in the past year and a half i've transformed into someone i never thought i could be. i went to EMT school last fall, and am as of january 6th, a certified EMT-IV for the state of tennessee. not sure where that came from, but it was empowering. and interesting. and just all out amazing. no job yet, but i'm hoping to start somewhere part time very soon and try to figure out if this is really what i want...if it is i'll continue onto paramedic school...which would be an amazing accomplishment should i complete it.

i went through my blog and decided to make it public because this is me. i'm not ashamed or too proud to admit i have a disease. i have trouble coping with day to day life. i can only hope i can give someone else hope. i was absolutely miserable a few years ago, but here.i.sit. happy. healthy. plus it's an incredibly awesome outlet for me. judge me, know me, love me, hate me. whatever.

so as of now i'm only on 40mg/day prozac. mark will tell you quicker than i will that i still have bad days. or bad hours. or bad minutes. my doctor wanted me to go onto a psychiatrist, but i've heard that before. and i just can't do the medicine dance. i'd rather feel human and deal with my emotions than be drugged out of my life. i'm doing better than i have...well....ever. and i have mark to thank just as much as anyone/anything else. he's my rock.

i love being home with the kids...ashlee is now 11 (12 in 2 months!), kait is 9, aidan is 6, jake is 5 (6 in a week!), and oliver is 4. our puppy joey is now 8 months and 90 pounds. love his great dane ass. but i gotta start working...a family of 8 on a firefighter's salary is pretty much a game of russian roulette every bill cycle.

my ex-husband (nathan) is no help. his turn is coming soon.

my family hasn't gotten any more sane. have had no contact from my family that lives within 30 minutes of me...the only family relationship i have is with my parents. who continue to process and try to accept my life. as far as i'm concerned they've done amazing. i've now come out as atheist (i might as well said i have sex with animals on the weekends for money), but my parents have really been as accepting as they can be. much more than i thought they could be. as far as the rest of my family...they're scared/mystified/angry/blinded...shocker. i'm hoping one day they can see past the "hilary-has-sex-with-animals-and-is-an-ATHEIST" thing eventually. but i'm really thinking it won't happen. my brother got married in november and i went back to texas to be a part of it...of course the family was there. they pretty much avoided me like the plague, and i heard quotes like "oh, i hope she behaves!"...which made me want to get crazy and do something predictably psychotic. but i didn't. because i'm an adult. not sure what they are. oh wait. they're christians.

but oh well. i love my life. i love my mark and our 5 spastic kids. and one spastic pup. we have it pretty good. couldn't really wish for much more. other than, possibly, an engagement ring? haha guess i can wait on that one, too. 

oh it's hard to live the life you choose. but at least i chose it. i did. i chose it. we chose it. and we're happy.

get a grip, mamu

***to my horror, my spell check isn't working. i typed quickly and haven't proof read but i don't have time! eek! please excuse my clumsiness.**

can i please just pause the world and sit and blog and read and drink wine?! we've had a lice outbreak (see other blog) and computers are crashing and we have 4 kids playing soccer and ahhhhh!!!!!! life is crazy. but do i have a story for yall.

so my grandmother (that spurred the origional creation of this blog) that lives in brentwood (on the other side of nashville, about 30 minutes from here), has been texting me here and there since i've moved here and was asking to get together. my understanding was we'd meet up for lunch or something. so i get a text saying, "i have to go to nashville tomorrow morning since that's half way i can head your way after" and i said that was ok. so the next morning she says "i'm leaving now and have gps to help" i respond asking where we're meeting and get no response. i took mark's kids to his parents house and was hanging out there waiting to hear and i get this text "are you not here?" and i say "where's here?" and she says "your house". fml. so i shoot back over to my house and she's sitting on my front porch. i have no idea how she even got my address. she asks if i'm going to show her my house and i say suuuure...and awkwardly show her around. she then proceeds to stand in my living room and say the following sentance, "i just had to come see that you were ok with my own eyes because the talk of the family is that you're a slave." i had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from falling on the floor in a rolling fit of laughter. i asked her who was saying that and a slave to what?! she didn't have much of an answer. she then asked if this was my house and i said yes. she asked if i'd bought it, if my name was on it. well, techniquely no. but it's my house. it's OUR house. she argued with me and said it truly wasn't my house. seeing she wasn't going to let that go, i moved on. she proceeded to say that i was not her grandaughter, was tearing my parents apart and causing them health issues, asked me what happened to make me "snap", then said she'd always wondered if there was something wrong with me and if i'd ever been abused. i said "i'm not talking about that with you because i'm not going to sit here and explain myself and open up my life to you under these circumstances." her response? "ok, that answers my question. you were abused. that explains so much." uhhh...a bit presumptuous and fucking ridiculous mamu. thanks, though. then she started asking me about religious stuff. i shut that down on the spot. i was NOT about to engage her in that argument, not right there and then. she had nowhere to go with that one because i didn't allow it. if you want to talk to me like an adult, i'm more than willing to talk about it. i told her i was happy, healthy, and had a new found life and was loving it. she then said, "you're not truly happy. people who are truly happy don't need to announce it." i said "i don't announce it, what does that even mean?!" she said "all over facebook, you're always talking about how much you love your life and how happy you are. that shows me you're not really happy." uhhh....are you stupid?? if someone is TRULY happy it exudes out of every pore of their body! wtf! she then asked why i was so distant and hadn't come over and why i was burning bridges..saying they were the same family and i was the one keeping them at a distance. i said that i hadn't come over because i didn't want to put myself in a situation filled with judgement and unacceptance. why would i do that to myself?! i told her if she could accept me and my new life, then i'd be more than happy to come over. so then she tried the whole guilt trip thing...they do a lot of mission work overseas (ironic, eh?) and she talked about all these people persecuted and risking their lives to be christians and knowing god has saved them and freed them and how can i sit there and reject christianity. because i live in fucking america and that's my right. because we have FREEDOM of religion. so the guilt trip didn't work and i think she saw she would get nowhere with me so she said if i ever wanted to come home i could. i responded with, "well this is my home, so...." she left. i get a text an hour later saying "it was my choice to come, nobody knows about my 2 hour drive, bring the boys by sometime." my response was "i would be happy to as soon as you can accpet my new life and the new people in my life." she then said  "if the new people in your life love you they will seek help for you. it does not take a trained eye to see that you are troubled." (can you see the steam from where you're sitting?!) my response was "i'm getting more help, love, and encouragement from them than i've had in a very long time. i'm happy, healthy, and strong. i'm in a wonderful place in my life. once again, if you refuse to accept me or my choices, i'm sorry, but i won't continue to put up with it." and that was it.

hold on, it gets better.

so my cousin from texas came to town and i messaged her and said we should get lunch. i haven't seen her since i was pregnant with oliver. i have another cousin living here, but he's pretty close with mamu, so i hadn't contacted him at all since i've moved here. so they both met me and i was afraid it would be awkward and really didn't know what they'd be like. i knew they'd been hearing all the talk and didn't know their opinions of it all. but i wanted to meet them because they're my age, my family, and i wanted to show them i'm not some horrible person like i knew was circling the family. i can't even express with words how glad i am that i met with them. it was a giant vent session for ALL of us. it was awkward at first, but after i'd felt them out a bit, i opened up about the above situation and our lunch turned into a 3 hour conversation. it was so great to be able to talk to people who understand how insane my family is. mark basically thinks i came out of a cult.

anyway we talked, vented, and cleared the air about a ton of miscommunicated things. my cousin told me what all had been said about me and i can't say i was shocked but good god my family is being so nasty about me! there were rumors of all these things and i said multiple times, "they said WHAT?! no!!!! this is what really happened..." it was insane. and eye opening. stuff is so bad, my cousins didn't tell anyone else they met with me because when my cousin had mentioned it a few days earlier mamu said, "you should just forget about her". hmm. so here my "christian" family sits. the family that has modeled their lives after jesus. the family that has spent decades preaching and teaching about love, accpetance, grace, mercy....here my family sits. gossiping, lying, rejecting, hating, judging, not accpeting....does this seem backwards to anyone else? it's absolutely absurd. it's to the point it's almost comical. i know how sad that sounds.

my cousins and i talked about how smothered we felt by our family, how sheltered we were and at what age we discovered it, how hypritical it all is, and i talked a little about my de-conversion. they're not at that point, but i felt comfortable sharing some of that with them. it was releiving to talk to them. i talked about how difficult it was for me to finally stand up to them, and how i've dealt with the aftermath. they didn't know any of the details of the insane rejection i dealt with during my pregnancy, so i filled them in on that. at this point, i've pretty much accepted that htey will never accept me. i almost feel sorry for them, they're so blinded. there's a big world out there, step out and find it! find yourself, love your life, live with purpose.

i've got several ideas bouncing around in my head about how to go abotu writing here about my de-conversion. it's not about my family, it's not about past hurt, it's about what i've discovered in myself. i'm finally living without guilt. you can't understand how HUGE that is for me. my bitterness and resentment has faded. i don't hate my family, they made me who i am. but it makes me sad that they can't accept me. (why can't we all be grown ups?!) that's for another time. poor mark is out there de-licing the girls. i'm starting to feel a little bad for retreating for 2 hours with the computer and my music. just had to share the drama of my week with you :)

nothing

so. rant. go.

my grandmother (the one that insisted i wear an off white gown to my wedding because it'd be SINFUL not to. and i did. because i was a pussy.) sent nathan a text a few nights ago carrying on about vows, leadership, and how much more they expected out of him. the issue? he called me a bad ass on facebook. (maybe she doesn't understand the meaning? it's a compliment.) anyway. he replied nicely. i then sent a text that was a little snappier. pointing out that lifestyle choices are CHOICES and that we don't really need guidance on this issue. she told me it was a sinful conversation. livid. would describe me. problem one. i'm not 14. don't fuss at me for something a 14 year old should be fussed at about. i've forgotten, am i an adult? ok. i don't have a problem with people pointing out issues they have with me. not at all. but to call out my husband and tell him he's breaking vows, letting down the family (??wtf) and not showing leadership because he said 'ass'.......anyone else think that's ridiculous? i'm so tired of my family. that sounds awful. i know. but they've always criticized, always stifled, always tried to stuff me into this teeny tiny chruch of christ box. i've never fit. therefore i've been labeled, shunned, and fussed at for my entire life. exhausting. and i'm fed up. i am who i am. i've accepted it. they haven't. and they're the super mega christians. how backwards is that?

while i'm on that. super-mega-christians. i get pregnant and instantly get a scarlet letter. i'm asked to leave my christian high school. yes, because i was pregnant. i would have graduated 5 months pregnant and could have hidden it. i was told by a christian adoption agency that i would be doing my child a disservice by keeping him. that i couldn't handle being a mother and it was an irresponsible choice to choose to be so. and that i should correct this "sin" by giving someone else a child. not a child. my child. then, my parents are specifically asked by my grandmother (the one mentioned before) that i not attend the family reunion in colorado. i was asked NOT to attend. i was the only one not there. then. my parents asked me to go to a different church. then, my mother asks me to leave out the back door and not the front because the neighbors were talking. then, i decide to keep my child, and my parents ask me to move out.

flip that over. nathan's family, who (besides his parents) aren't christian, invite me over. and i go over there night after night to eat their food because my dad couldn't look at me at the dinner table. they offer to let me come live there when my parents asked me to leave. they were overjoyed when i decided to keep aidan. (when i told my parents, dad informed me i had 'ruined mom's trip to michigan' ((because i called her there to tell her. i was in the hospital....come on.)) and when he was born dad came with a camera and in the sickest, most sarcastic way, said 'well i guess we take pictures because that's just what you do next, right?' then handed me a list of family members and said 'call them and tell them your news'. aidan's birth day was a bad day. worse than bad.)

sorry for ranting about my family. i could go on and on. i know it's not healthy. and, having said all that, i love my parents. and i respect my grandparents. but i'm so different and there's a lot of history of hurt between us. on both sides. but i love my parents dearly, we just rub in opposite ways.

sorry for the word vomit. i'm done.

i'm nervous about the body step training this weekend.

i should be doing so many other things than sitting at the computer right now.

i'm feeling better in my spirit. i won't claim happy yet. but i'm....calm. and i feel controlled. it's a wonderful feeling. thank you for the prayers.

EFF

well...i created this blog because i was tired of hearing my family talk about it. or hearing that they were talking about it amongst themselves. or getting emails about my life choices.

i deleted my twitter because i was tired of people doing the same thing. i'd post something, and sometimes, less than 5 minutes later someone was asking me about it.

i know! it's public. i put it out there. i got that. i have no problem being open and sharing and i also have no problem with people having different opinions about me and my life. fine. but, really? if i was 14 i could understand it.

so i get a phone call this morning concerning my facebook activity. this is the third call. the.third.call. concerning my conversations with other people, my status updates...the subject of which is either drinking, bad language, or talking about something completely inappropriate like kissing girls. oh my GOD send me to hell now! shun. shun. shun. i might as well say what i actually feel and do what i actually want. they'd judge me all the same. i've had several phone calls about alcohol. my family thinks i'm an alcoholic i'm sure. good for them! it'll give them something to talk about with each other over lunch. good lord, guys. seriously.

i know, silly immature rant. but gosh i'm tired of it! i've been officially labeled mentally ill by my family. they said those actual words. horray! i think they'd all be happier if i sat in the corner reading a bible, occasionally patting a child on the head and feeding a homeless person.

i just love being in the middle of a perfectly rounded, sane, christian, loving family.

ok. rant is over.