preoccupied update

last weekend went so much better than i expected. our date night was fabulous. we spent it on the patio of our favorite mexican restaurant with 3 or 4 pitchers of margaritas, people judging watching, laughs, and plenty of flirtatious giggles. we came home and thoroughly enjoyed our quiet and empty home. then made it not so quiet. we ended up staying up most of the night, then got to sleep in a little before headed to his parents' for brunch and coffee. the cinco de mayo neighborhood party was a blast, and we loved getting to meet new friends. plus, get togethers like that remind me how thankful i am for our kiddos. they're such well behaved and sweet little humans. i don't miss the screaming toddler stage.

mark started his second job on monday. he has clocked 106 hours so far this week between the two. needless to say, i fucking miss him. on the same hand, i'm so so so thankful for his willingness and ability to work. he has always been such a hard worker. i have no intentions of running him into the ground with it all as previous situations have, instead i am inspired to be better every minute. it's because of him i don't have to work at some job i hate. it's because of his trust and love that he has put me in charge of our home, our kids, and our finances.

i won't lie, it's an art form to get our bills paid and checkbook balanced every month, but this new job will really give us some much needed breathing room for the summer. we can go on vacation, enjoy ourselves, and spoil the kids. then in august i'm getting a full time job. growing up sucks. but i've got to do it. poor mark is driving my piece of shit car (wait, i'm sorry, HIS piece-of-shit-car-that-i-signed-over-to-him-for-the-firefighter-tags-that-get-us-out-of-having-to-get-it-inspected) that is bound to blow up any day now, while i get to drive his pretty, shiny, new, tahoe.

what a wonderful man he is. what a lucky gal i am.

there's a comfort in the rain only lovers know...
...give me your forever...please your forever...not a day less will do...from you...
what a coincidence this song is playing as i write this. talk about tears running down my face as fast as i can get the words out...god this man owns my heart.

***********

my sleep hasn't improved. at all. dream after dream after nightmare after nightmare. always so vivid, i would love to capture them in video to show the world how fucked up my brain is. it's so creatively brilliant but so hideous at the same time. sometimes i think if i could just sleep right, sleep well, through the night, that half my internal struggle would be ended. i don't remember my last "black" sleep. not sure if i've even experienced that ever. as far back as i can remember, it's been light sleep filled with vivid and terrifying dreams. i've never done a sleep study, i'd be interested to see how much i'm 'awake' during the night.

yesterday and today i've been productive (by my standards) and it's been amazing. well today, i did go back to bed until 10, but that's better than noon, right? mark has been working every minute, so i've had so much more 'home' responsibilities put on me (ones that i should have always carried, probably, but didn't). it gives me a feeling of accomplishment that i rarely feel, to know i went grocery shopping, got the laundry done, and the house cleaned all in one day. that's like a week's worth of shit right there. my poor OCD lover doesn't appreciate my side of the closet, or the spot of tile in our bathroom that houses my dirty clothes of the day. but i've washed sheets, the puppy, kitchen floors, made lunches, and successfully put on dinner for 6 night after night. which sounds minimal, but it's so huge for me.

i'm always so tired. so unmotivated. but to see him working so fucking hard for this family makes me force myself (more easily than i thought) to put in effort to pick up his slack (which isn't slack...it's him picking up my slack..). somehow, at the end of each day, it's all done. the kids are all fed, clothed, clean, and happy. we may be exhausted mentally and physically, but it's worth it for the nights when all 7 of us get to cuddle on the couch while each baby fights for prime real estate next to us, the pup asleep on the end of the couch, and we try to keep our eyes open so the kids can drill us with questions. that's what it's all about.

i'm exhausted. i want to cry, laugh, scream, sleep, and dance all at once.

i love my life. fucked up as it may be sometimes. i love it.

the way i am

i get to hold my babies tomorrow. my heart is aching for them.

i should probably get a job soon. i don't like being a grown-up.

i only have simple words and thoughts tonight...so here's a song that can say it better than i can.

if you were falling, then i would catch you
you need a light, i'd find a match

cause i love the way you say good morning
and you take me the way i am

if you are chilly, here take my sweater
your head is aching; i'll make it better

cause i love the way you call me baby
and you take me the way i am

i'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
sew on patches to all you tear

cause i love you more than i could ever promise
and you take me the way i am

you take me the way i am
...broken and all.

tears and sighs tonight. but in it all i feel strong and i feel loved. thank you.

nothing

so. rant. go.

my grandmother (the one that insisted i wear an off white gown to my wedding because it'd be SINFUL not to. and i did. because i was a pussy.) sent nathan a text a few nights ago carrying on about vows, leadership, and how much more they expected out of him. the issue? he called me a bad ass on facebook. (maybe she doesn't understand the meaning? it's a compliment.) anyway. he replied nicely. i then sent a text that was a little snappier. pointing out that lifestyle choices are CHOICES and that we don't really need guidance on this issue. she told me it was a sinful conversation. livid. would describe me. problem one. i'm not 14. don't fuss at me for something a 14 year old should be fussed at about. i've forgotten, am i an adult? ok. i don't have a problem with people pointing out issues they have with me. not at all. but to call out my husband and tell him he's breaking vows, letting down the family (??wtf) and not showing leadership because he said 'ass'.......anyone else think that's ridiculous? i'm so tired of my family. that sounds awful. i know. but they've always criticized, always stifled, always tried to stuff me into this teeny tiny chruch of christ box. i've never fit. therefore i've been labeled, shunned, and fussed at for my entire life. exhausting. and i'm fed up. i am who i am. i've accepted it. they haven't. and they're the super mega christians. how backwards is that?

while i'm on that. super-mega-christians. i get pregnant and instantly get a scarlet letter. i'm asked to leave my christian high school. yes, because i was pregnant. i would have graduated 5 months pregnant and could have hidden it. i was told by a christian adoption agency that i would be doing my child a disservice by keeping him. that i couldn't handle being a mother and it was an irresponsible choice to choose to be so. and that i should correct this "sin" by giving someone else a child. not a child. my child. then, my parents are specifically asked by my grandmother (the one mentioned before) that i not attend the family reunion in colorado. i was asked NOT to attend. i was the only one not there. then. my parents asked me to go to a different church. then, my mother asks me to leave out the back door and not the front because the neighbors were talking. then, i decide to keep my child, and my parents ask me to move out.

flip that over. nathan's family, who (besides his parents) aren't christian, invite me over. and i go over there night after night to eat their food because my dad couldn't look at me at the dinner table. they offer to let me come live there when my parents asked me to leave. they were overjoyed when i decided to keep aidan. (when i told my parents, dad informed me i had 'ruined mom's trip to michigan' ((because i called her there to tell her. i was in the hospital....come on.)) and when he was born dad came with a camera and in the sickest, most sarcastic way, said 'well i guess we take pictures because that's just what you do next, right?' then handed me a list of family members and said 'call them and tell them your news'. aidan's birth day was a bad day. worse than bad.)

sorry for ranting about my family. i could go on and on. i know it's not healthy. and, having said all that, i love my parents. and i respect my grandparents. but i'm so different and there's a lot of history of hurt between us. on both sides. but i love my parents dearly, we just rub in opposite ways.

sorry for the word vomit. i'm done.

i'm nervous about the body step training this weekend.

i should be doing so many other things than sitting at the computer right now.

i'm feeling better in my spirit. i won't claim happy yet. but i'm....calm. and i feel controlled. it's a wonderful feeling. thank you for the prayers.