gushy

my love,

in the past week i have;

1. spent 5 hours on the biggest love letter of all time in the form of a giant canvas to hang on our wall
2. drug said canvas to the backyard and thrown it over the fence over a stupid wine-induced-emotional-rage
3. thrown a crying fit and left the house in the broken down impala only to sit in a parking lot a block from our house crying for 20 minutes before coming home looking for a hug 

in the past week you have;

1. read the canvas, in it's crazy entirety, the second you and i were alone in our room
2. fished said canvas from behind the back fence, stashed it in the playroom for safe keeping, and accepted me in the morning and my stupid apology
3. opened the door for me with open arms, not allowing me to be such an emotional wreck and ruin our night

i don't care how crazy this makes me sound, because you are the balance to my crazy. you are the rock to my crazy. you somehow deal with me and love me. it will probably take my entire life, but i WILL return it all to you. every ounce of love, every teeth clenching, gut wrenching moment you've endured for me. thank you, my darling, for being my foundation, the only thing familiar to me when i'm lost, the only light i feel when i can't open my eyes, the only life i've ever ever ever wanted. ILYSFUCKINGM.
 
i never thought
that you would be the one to hold my heart
but you came around
and you knocked me off the ground from the start
you put your arms around me and i'm home

birthday boy

the absolute love of my life turns 41 tomorrow. i couldn't be more thankful for his entrance (and survival) in this world. he finally found me, and i him, two years ago tomorrow. if i'd only have known...

i knew it was our last night in florida. i put on my yellow and white plaid sun dress. i had painstakingly straightened my hair, but no amount of heat or product could beat the humidity that night. so i gave up and put it into a pony. i drank wine straight out of the bottle, brown bag and all, just to prove how classy i was. lauren and i had brought papa johns for all the guys, and ate it in the laundry room of the marina. after we ate, we all wandered around the dock, some were on the broken down boat choosing play lists and shooting the shit. some were standing on the dock talking to neighboring vacationers. mark and i found our way to the end of the dock and i wrapped my arm around the post just so i had something to hold onto. it wasn't the wine i needed steadying from, it was the electrifying tension between us.

i blurted out basically my life story...something i rarely do so easily. i delved into the darkest corners and fondest memories. he watched me talk like nobody ever had, he asked questions and i could see how genuine his interest and concern was for me. it was beyond refreshing. he shared his very personal, present day, problems. he was struggling so much with the choice between stability and his happiness, and told me the details of the past three years for him and his kids. we talked for hours. i was absolutely awestruck by this man who looked at me so intensely, who made me feel something so deep; not only emotionally, but physically, who never took his precious green eyes off me.

i finished my wine bottle, then whispered a line from my favorite movie into it, corked it, and threw it over the edge of the dock. the next morning we were parting ways. him back to his life, me back to mine. we never planned or expected to see each other again. as we were driving away, my heart hurt. it physically ached. it was so wrong. he says to him it felt like a dark cloud followed them all the way back, and he had to fight the urge to ask his friend to turn the truck around, to go back. our hearts knew way before we did.

and he hasn't left my mind for a minute since then.

happy birthday, my darling. happy birthday to the man who has picked me up so many times, who has carried, supported, held, and loved me with all he has for the past two years. to the man to whom my heart, soul, and body belong. to the man who melts me. to the man who fathers our children so brilliantly. to the man who will own me as long as i'm breathing.

to you, baby. happy birthday. i love you more than you'll ever comprehend, and more than i'll ever be able to express with my measly words.

"this is the end. the end of life as i know it."

I LOVE YOU

part three

i spent a miserable 10 days in texas before i contacted mark. on my wedding anniversary. found out he had called off the wedding. my thankfully ex-husband was due to move out any day. i left the kids with grandparents in texas and drove to tennessee. i left straight from the houston airport after dropping off my thankfully ex-husband at the airport to head to 6 weeks of officer training for the marines. that last night we spent in that hotel we spent in separate beds. i laid awake in anticipation of coming to tennessee, and also just staring at the ceiling knowing it was my last night with him forever. wondering what my life would have in store for me. life, as i knew it, had forever changed.

i drove the long 16 hours, only stopping to eat and potty. my heart rate jumped substantially every mile. i contemplated stopping for a bottle of wine about 100 miles out. i watched the miles tick by and finally made it to nashville. while driving through nashville, i refreshed my breath, my hair, my lip gloss, and deodorant. i called him once i was in hendersonville and he told me how to get to his house (although i'd practically memorized mapquest). he told me i may want to let him drive my car into his garage because his driveway was so steep. i got out of the car and watched him walk down the driveway to me. i was shaking and nervous to the point of nausea. he drove my car in and i followed him into his house. we went up to his bonus room and sat on the couch. he grabbed me and said, "i can't believe you're actually here." he was shaking, as was i.

he took me to dinner that night at a mexican restaurant we go to quite often now. we sat on the patio with margaritas until the sun went down. that night we cuddled on the couch and he introduced me to tosh.o, now one of our favorite shows. we laughed, kissed, and talked all night. the next day we slept until noon then got up and went for taco bell. then drove around looking at houses, walking in parks, until dinner time. we would go back to his house, get ready, and he'd take me out. that was our pattern for the entire week. lazy mornings in bed followed by late nights talking and learning each other.

i put him under strict orders to NOT tell me he loved me in this week while i was visiting. i purely wanted to be with him and see what we had. i didn't want to get caught up in the juvenile 'i love you' jitters. plus, i didn't want him to say it and me not feel it and the awkwardness that ensues...etc. although i almost blurted it out many times myself. on the third morning, i was laying on my stomach with my head facing away from him. he thought i was asleep. he started tracing my tattoo, then on the third time through my tattoo, i noticed he was writing something different. i caught on from "ve you" on. it was followed by a few !! as well. my heart fell to the floor and i was fairly confident he could feel it shaking the bed. and that was it. the most romantic, intimate, incredible moment of my life. my world changed that second.

i had to go back to texas and get my boys. i spent five miserable days there. i packed them in the car and drove to tennessee the day of my birthday. i walked in and met his kids, and introduced mine to him. aidan and oliver immediately went with jake who wanted to show them all his cool wii games. we sat on the couch watching them, and i was teary eyed with how right it all felt. home. family. love. he took us all to dinner that night at our mexican restaurant. i didn't leave for three weeks. i went back to texas, packed up a u-haul with the help of my thankfully ex-husband, and left it all behind me. i'd never felt so liberated. i made it to tennessee and to his parents house, where they had a chilled bottle of wine waiting for me. i was finally home.

and here i sit. here we sit. more in love than that morning he first 'told' me. happy. complete.

part two

we woke up tangled up. i was beyond thirsty so i told mark i needed a coke. we must have walked 2 miles to find one. it was hot and humid. i talked and never shut up, not for a second. he reached out for my hand. i was sure my heart was going to come shooting out my toes. but i tried to keep it cool. so we walked hand in hand to find a coke. we went to the beach to play in the sand and water. i underestimated the waves...they didn't look threatening, and i assured him i wasn't going to get my hair wet...had to stay cute, of course! i wasn't even up to my knees yet in the water, and the first wave took both of us down before we knew what happened. we came up sputtering and laughing. we sat down in the water and played with the sand, tossing it around and giggling. he suggested we try walking further into the water...he later admitted his intentions were not, as he said, to see how far we could go, but in the hopes he'd get to catch me when the waves knocked me back. he got his way.

for our last night in destin, we decided to order pizza and hang out on the broken boat. i must have spent an hour getting ready. i showed up in a strapless yellow sundress with a bottle of wine. we laughed, joked, cussed, and told stories. eventually mark and i walked to the end of one of the docks. we sat with our feet in the water and talked. there was no sense of time, i couldn't hear anything but my chattering or see anything but him. somehow i told him my entire story while he listened and asked questions. it was the first time in my life i was truly heard. we talked about our shitty relationships and how much we were regretting going "home". we never once shared our feelings for each other. i finished my bottle of shiraz, whispered a wish into the bottle, put the cork back on, and tossed it into the ocean.

even though we didn't sleep, the next morning came way too soon. we knew what it meant. we'd go our separate ways, and would never see each other again. we awkwardly hugged each other goodbye. he told me if i was ever back in tennessee to give him a shout. i weakly smiled, said goodbye to everyone else, and hopped in the car as fast as i could. the 6 hour drive back was miserable. i knew he was on the same highway going to the same place. we got to tennessee and headed to bed. my flight was early the next morning. on the way to the airport, my friend pointed at his exit and said that he was working today just a mile from where we were. my heart was aching, pulling me to where he was. but i ignored it. and went back to texas, to my little boys and my thankfully now ex-husband. guess how long that lasted?