day 25

today is day 25 of the new medication. i was doing really well for the first 14 days, but these last 11 have really hurt. i really need this shit to even out. my moods and feelings are all over the place and it's wearing on me. i miss my parents. i miss my friends. i'm sick of crying. stupid stupid stupid.

what i wouldn't give...

what i wouldn't give just to forget
what i wouldn't give to get some rest
so i can remember how to live again
i just wanna live again
-holly brook

woke up this morning unsure of my ability to survive the day. i scurried the kids off to school and asked boy child three to go upstairs and watch some tv for awhile. he asked if it was because i had a headache, i said yes. he hugged my neck and told me to feel better and disappeared up the stairs. this isn't my first 'headache', not by far. so i crawled back into bed, pulling all the pillows up over my head, and fell asleep with tears running down my face.

i tossed and turned with the ever vivid dreams of torture, doom, and impossible situations that push me to my emotional and physical limits. i woke up sweating and tense over and over. i finally dragged myself out of bed at noon.

i could go on and tell how the rest of the day went, but i'm sure you can pretty much assume. i hate this fight, this battle that exists inside me every second. my kids need me, my lover needs me. my house, my yard, and my responsibilities need me. i've got to push past it. but i'm so exhausted.

today sucked.

i have been looking forward to this weekend all week, but now i'm afraid i'll ruin it all. mark's mom has offered to take the kids tomorrow so we can have a night alone, especially since he starts a new job on monday. i've never not needed a date night. then saturday we get to sleep in, go get the kids, and enjoy our annual neighborhood block party/cinco de mayo celebration saturday night. i just hope i can muster the strength to pull myself out of this pit by tomorrow. i feel like my feet are trapped in sand, like i'm carrying a pack of bricks on my back, like i could sleep for a week, but my head won't stop spinning. thinking. obsessing. guilting. being filled with anger.

oh what i wouldn't give to just forget.
to get some rest.
to be fucking normal.

funk

sorry for the lack of blogging. i'll let you know what's going on when i know. everything's so messed up it doesn't even feel real.

wait

feeling on the verge of some great truth

where i'm finally in my place

but i'm fumbling still fool proof

and it's cluttering my space

casting shadows on my face

and though i have the strength to move a hill

i can hardly leave my room

so i'll sit perfectly still

and i'll listen for a tune

while my mind is on the moon

and if i stumble

and if i stall

and if i slip now

and if i should fall

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

cause everywhere i seem to be

i am only passing through

i dream these days about the sea

i always wake up feeling blue

wishing i could dream of you

so if i stumble

and if i fall

and if i slip now

and lose it all

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

wait by alexi murdoch

[[been listening to this song on repeat for an hour. i have no other words to describe how i feel. can i just say how much i hate this.]]

void

i got out of bed at 3pm today.

was looking forward to spending (much needed) time with a friend...until i got stood up.

my dad left this afternoon, but mom decided to stay a few days. for good reason i suppose. i'm hardly functioning. at home anyway.

i had the worst nightmare i've had in weeks last night.

i'm slowly getting down off the wellbutrin. i think my body is trying to die.

if all you see is griping, i apologize. it's a really low time for me, and it's truly all i feel. and i don't express these feelings to anyone but nathan, so they get spit out on the internet for all of you. most of who i barely know.

i just want to be happy, i just want to have a good day, i just want to have a day without tears and desperation. i want to enjoy spending time with my kids, i want to feel hope.

void. everything is void.