lack of anything

i'm feeling a lacking of everything. most of all hope.

my hope has taken a nose dive this week. today being the worst of it all. life sucks sometimes.

imagine the worst, most demoralizing job you could every apply for. then go in for an interview, thinking "how could they NOT call me back." i mean the chick in front of me came in wearing sweats for gods sake. so all day today i kept my phone by me waiting on a sure phone call from a job i absolutely can't believe i even lowered myself to apply for. and it didn't come. needless to say, i made quite a strong drink and cried.

i'm so sick of this stupid game. i've applied for over 40 jobs. i've had three potentials come out of it. one was a scam i fell for somehow and ended up canceling mark's debit card over it. gave them my social and everything else though. i'm a fucking idiot sometimes. i'm 26 not 80 and naive about computer shit. the other fizzled out into nothing. and the last one required i work holidays and that's just not happening. i guess at some point beggars can't be choosers but dammit.

i feel like i'm letting my family down by not working. our kids deserve a fabulous christmas, and our credit cards deserve a fucking break. i do my best to be a mom, to run this crazy home, to cook, clean, to love. but sometimes i just feel so inadequate. what a low day for me.

but i carry on. because i'm thankful for my best friend and lover, for my kids, for my home, my life. and no matter how scary bills get, and no matter how many shitty ass jobs don't call me back, i have 6 crazy and amazing reasons to smile about. maybe 7 if you count bronx.

i do it for him. and her. and her. and him. and him.

stripped

ahhhhh finally. i can say what i REALLY want to say. and i don't have to update you on my life. because you've read and stayed with me since i started revealing the darker parts of my life. i'm not adding my family to this blog, for multiple reasons. one of those being, i want to talk about them sometimes, but can't. because i get phone calls or emails if i do. another reason is because i've already been deemed the black sheep, the one "off the trail" and i'm just tired of it. who wouldn't be. i'm not crazy, i'm NORMAL. didn't realize it until i got out of there. i love my family. but there's a reason they're kept at a distance from me. from this.

the medicine has been making me feel like shit. for the past 4 or 5 days i've been super dizzy. if i turn my head too fast i feel like i'm going to vomit. if i stand up from sitting i get one of those things...it goes black for a second then there's that really intense headache. nathan says low blood pressure. and i cry, then laugh, feel hopeless, then indestructible. i can't sleep, unless i take medicine. doctor says push through. counselor says quit if it's not better in a week. the next step is going back to no medicine. it was horrible then, but at least i could feel.
while having 300mg of wellbutrin and 40mg of celexa in my system, bad moments are BAD. had a date with an exacto knife a few times. no intent of suicide. nothing crazy like that. but when you feel so bad inside, it only makes sense to want to distract and feel something, anything, somewhere besides your heart. it releases those feelings screaming to get out.

i'm taking my ipod and my energetic children to the park. it's sunny and perfect outside. mondays are nathan's long days. actually, every day is a long day. class wise, this is the longest though. i'm thankful for college station's parks.

thank you for wanting to be a part of this blog. it means a lot to know that people are reading it and interested in my less than thrilling life.