endlessly

today started out as a bad day.

mark was up at 5:15 getting ready for work, and out the door by 6:30. he came in to say goodbye to me and i was laying there awake. he knew something was wrong and asked if i was having a bad day, to which i shrugged. he sighed a heavy and long sigh and went to work. i sent him a text at 7:06 that read, 'i can't get out of bed'. i layed there, mind racing, body rested and ready for the day, but mentally unwilling to move.

i forced my mind to allow my body to move and sloppily rolled out of bed, pulled on the shirt and boxers mark had worn the night before. it gives me such comfort to smell him so close to me. i greeted the kids and bronx then flopped on the couch and pulled the blanket up to my eyes. girl child two asked if i had a headache, to which i simply shook my head yes. boy child three brought me a hot cup of coffee and snuggled up next to me with his mis-matched pj's and goofy spongebob slippers. i fed the boys breakfast and shooed them upstairs to play until school.

i blankly stared at the morning news, not absorbing a word of it. i sipped my coffee and kept checking my phone to see how many minutes until i could send the three school going kids outside to wait for the bus. i called them down, hugged and kissed them, and sent them out. i sent the boy in spongebob slippers upstairs to watch netflix and told him i'd be napping if he needed me. i put the pup in his kennel next to my bed and had the big puffy white comforter up over my head by the time the bus pulled up to our house.

i let my mind wander and spin until i dozed off. i dreamt my usual vivid and bizarre dreams. no bad dreams this morning, just dreams of finding money unexpectedly. i usually dream of proposals, and carefree, quiet, precious time with my lover. it's either that or demons, blood thirsty murderers ready to slice my body, being separated from my kids, drowning in deep murky water, or rape and humiliation. i understand why i have the good ones, because those truly are my dreams. the bad ones are just torments from my blessing of a cursed creative mind that always has a dark undertone.

my body and mind passed in and out of sleep while i listened to the same song on repeat. this week it's endlessly by green river ordinance. i've never been so enamoured with another human being. i love him with every cell in my body and every ounce of my heart. he is the days i can't get over, he is the nights that i call home, endlessly, for him i'll always wait.

i got up around 11 and headed outside to look at my flowers. they're blooming so beautifully and i absolutely love watching my yard come to life day by day. i got dressed, and got out of the house. before i knew it, kids were coming home from school and i had a million things to do before dinner. i managed to get them all done, and settled down with my girls to watch how to lose a guy in 10 days with a glass of wine and my projects laid all over the floor, and had to blink a few times to remember that this dream of a life is mine. how lucky am i?! i got everyone cuddled in bed and can't wait to do the same.

today was a victory. it started at 7:06am with my desperate text expressing the darkness of my state of mind, it started with me looking down the barrel of a tuesday with mark at work and several tasks to fulfill. for a second or two i wondered if i'd make it. it's now 9:50pm, and i've had a good day. i've managed to turn it around. i'm mentally exhausted from going round and round with myself, i'm physically exhausted from forced activity, but i'm smiling. i'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. and that's all that matters. living with this disease is crippling and an absolute battle daily, but i still come out swinging. i love my family, i love my life.

love.
love.
love.

living...honestly.

hold on if you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

i have found it. i have found that place of total comfort and love. so cliche but i feel like i'm literally tucked under a protective wing. i feel like i have someone surrounding every ounce of me, protecting me. and i can breathe. and i can rest. and oh how i needed it. it still feels new, but weirdly comfortable. i can say this, and mean it with 100% of my being...for the first. the FIRST. time in my life, i can be who i truly am. i'm not stuffed in a box. there are no boundaries, just purely feeling out myself and who i am. and i'm embracing it. and love's embracing it. and it's absolutely incredible. how have i been missing this my entire life?! how did i ever survive? i don't know. all i know is it's still hard to live the life you choose.

my depression rears it's ugly head more than i'd like. more than i can control. love is all brand new to it, so i've realized how difficult it is to explain. how do you describe such a complex and scary thing? so i allude it to a cloud. a dark, heavy cloud that pushes into me on all sides and follows me everywhere. that creepy antidepressant commercial with the wind up doll? yeah that's actually pretty good. in order to do something as simple as get out of bed requires "winding up". i have to tell myself it's just a day and i'll get through it because i have to. because the clock moves no matter what. and i watch the day move by, however slowly. shamefully, as i sit here, i didn't shower today and am still in the pjs i put on last night. some days i have to rest and stop fighting.


my panic attacks have worsened lately, but i think that's just normal life stresses...my brain tends to overheat rather easily. i keep trying to get myself in my craft room to get working on things...but i put it off. i think i'm almost scared of it. some nights i just get in a funk and i feel like i have enough control to pull myself out of it, but i choose not to. because i'm scared. because it's almost easier to just let it take over. because it's all i've ever known.

other times it takes every ounce of strength, every thought must be directed, just to function.

and other times i can just soak up love, sunshine, life, and laughter. and be ok. which is incredible.

and still other times i can't stop crying. for no reason. and love holds me and pretends to be strong, even though i know fear is the overwhelming emotion. but i just can't speak. or breathe. and it hurts, physically hurts. and love hurts with me.

i'm not alone anymore. i'm admired. i'm held. i'm supported. i'm encouraged. i'm beautiful. i'm full. i'm whole. i'm me. love.

so as for now, i'm managing this roller coaster of an illness with walks in the sunshine, vitamins, acceptance, hugs, b12 shots, tears, healthy eating and living, and love. putting off getting on an antidepressant, but feeling it's impending doom.

i'll keep you posted. like i said, it's hard to live the life you choose, but what a wonderful ride it is. i wouldn't ever go back. this is living. this is love. this is incredible.

cheesecake and tears

last night we went to caffe capri. it was incredible, as always. william was our waiter, he told the hostess he wanted us. :) he's hilarious. wine, pesto ravioli, then cheesecake. holy hell. it was a little frozen in the middle, but somehow that made it even better. it was amazing. so was the company. i went shopping yesterday for a top to wear for last night. i found an adorable black sleeveless top with cream lace at the top. i wore it with a cream mini skirt. and got some new black heels. i wore a cream pea coat. i was freezing and had to shave my legs, but it was totally worth it. i love wearing black and white. i felt pretty.

after dinner we headed to northgate. got a few drinks, then met some friends at sweet eugenes. i left early because i felt bad. not sick bad, mental bad. i had a huge knot in my throat and felt like i was about to cry. so i came home, cried, took a double dose of sleeping pills, and went to sleep. i got out of bed at 2pm. then went back to bed at 4:30. then got back up at 6:30 to take nathan to school.

i hate this disease. this condition. this "lack of prayer". whatever the hell you want to call it. i hate this depression. i can't help how i feel. i feel great, happy, sexy, and fun. then i feel like shit. and the change is so violent and comes without warning. i hate it.

why can't i just be normal? sometimes i feel so bad, i can't even explain it. it's excruciating. it hurts physically. i curl up on the floor and shake. it hurts in so many ways. i feel like i might explode. like actually explode.

now that i'm off the medicine, i'm back to feeling completely zapped of any kind of energy or motivation. i've got a list down to my toes of things to do, and can't seem to find any kind of energy to do any of it. the house hasn't been clean in 2 weeks. when i first started the celexa, i sent nathan 20 texts one day because i was so excited i cleaned the windows. and the bathroom. and the kitchen. all in one day. and i dusted. i was so happy to finally have the energy to do things. now i'm back to dirty rooms, and unfinished projects everywhere. does this ever end?

please god let it end.

silent screams.

silent screaming

nobody brought me wine. :(

took mom to waco tonight, met dad there at panera bread. (dad's favorite restaurant...he never misses a chance to go! too bad there's not one in abilene.) it's been a hard week. i'm glad mom came, but it was hard having her here. it's hard to completely explain without sounding terribly mean. sooo lets just say, mom needs to re-take the course on 'helping your adult daughter deal with depression'. apparently she thought her job here was to keep me awake during all daylight hours (WTF) and tell me what i was doing wrong, and how if i would just change this or that, i'd be more 'positive'. hmmm. she has only good intentions, but it just further proves that i do NOT belong in the family i'm in. and that doesn't stop at parents. my whole family, both sides, extended and all...seem to be just right. i'm too cold. (and sometimes too hot :) either way, i just don't fit with the seemingly perfect family i fell into. and it's hard not to have someone on my side. oh they love me, but they aren't even close to understanding me. or helping me. they just don't know what to do with a daughter like me. sigh.

eh.

i'm very excited to be able to sleep in my bed again, though. it's been a WEEK. nathan and i have been sleeping on the couch. yes. singular. THE couch. nathan's been getting up at 5:30 or 6 to go work out (because he's got to train for his upcoming role as gi joe, remember? shit.) he's so disciplined. i'm lazy.

so...i'm supposed to be tapering off the wellbutrin. but i kind of just stopped it. kind of on accident. i've been preoccupied with trying to not strangle my mother, cleaning up poop, and having strep throat. it got lost in all that. i haven't taken it in 4 days, i figure i should just ride this out and not take another one....we will see.

last night was a bad one. i was rude and snappy with mom and nathan all night. i hurt both of their feelings. nathan put on p.s. i love you at 10:30...i think he was just trying to be nice to me. couldn't have chosen a worse movie, though. i should have said something. it was really hard to watch. always is. i only watch it when i'm alone and really really sad. just uber sad. and want to sob like a baby for an hour and a half. so i felt like i was going to throw up most of the time, trying to hold in my bursting tears. luckily, he fell asleep half way through. so i put on my ipod, and cried on the kitchen floor for about an hour. did some silent screaming in the bathroom. then got in bed with aidan for 20 minutes. then came to the living room to lay on the floor, cried some more, drifted off to sleep...got on the couch at about 3:30. yeah...pathetic. kind of embarrassing to share.

silent screaming. you know, when you're crying so hard and hurt so bad, but it's 2am and everyone's asleep and you're within 10 feet of 4 people? yeah. silent screaming. anyone else do it? this is why i need a field. 

i wanted to run away. or just run. to feel something else.

run.

unless you've dealt with depression, i know you're just shaking your head at me.

this is what this blog is for. me sharing my intimate struggle with depression for my own benefit. and maybe yours.

it's such a daily struggle. struggle is a nice word. it's a fucking battle. on days when i just can't do it anymore, i stay in bed for 10 hours. or cry, sob, weep, for an hour. or throw things. luckily, i can hold up for 5 or 6 days straight, until nathan has a day off and i can just...die. escape.

i love nathan. i love the kids. it's just the situation i want to escape. 

this is just a giant gripe fest.

so the psychiatrist thing is going to cost a gazillion dollars. my parents said they'd pay for it. but. i don't know. dad thinks i'm making excuses. i'm not, i just have a hard time asking for a gazillion dollars. and, i'm not really thrilled about paying someone $200 an hour to pump me full of more medicine. so far, the medicine thing has been worse than the non-medicine thing. and that's saying a LOT. seriously. a lot.

eh.

i feel like i'm at a dead end. with a brick wall. and i see it, but i'm still moving surprisingly fast towards it. everybody should hide if i hit that wall.

i hate my suicide dreams. it's either me watching myself run a knife somewhere along my body and watching the black blood spill out. it's always black. or it's me watching other people kill themselves in different ways. damn my creative, dark mind. but i'll take the suicide dreams over the demonic dreams any night. i've had nightmares since i was 16. not running from the cookie monster nightmares, like scary-fucking-nightmares. like wet-the-bed-nightmares. the first one, i was 16, i saw myself dead in a different "suicidal" way, in every room of my house. it flashed the rooms through my mind like a scary movie does. i got up, ran outside, and ran down the street. my startled parents came out after me and asked me what the hell i was doing. except they didn't say hell. because they don't use words like that. but their faces sure said it. when i explained why i'd run out, my mom almost fainted. after that, i had suicidal dreams mostly until i was raped at 17. then i had rape dreams. then after pregnancy, i had the most horrid dreams about my children being hurt or killed. or me being pregnant and someone cutting the baby out and killing it. seriously, guys. awful stuff. the demonic stuff is the worst. that didn't start until this past year. most of them are me walking down a dingy greenish yellowish lit hallway with doors on either side. i'm terrified to open them, but i do. and there's a demon on the ceiling in the corner who lunges out at me. or an old lady who's obviously possessed. or someone sitting in a chair facing away from me. and i walk into the room and look at the person. and i can't even express what they look like. or the demons follow me and touch my hair, or i feel them on my skin...and i either wake up about to vomit, holding my breath, sobbing, always tensed up, and a few times i even have wet the bed. embarrassing, yes. reading that paragraph will probably give you a nightmare. sorry.

i don't watch gory, demonic, or otherwise "scary" movies. i can't. especially those demonic ones. i can't even watch the previews. anyone see that 'legion' preview? it came on before every movie i've seen in the past 6 months. GEEZ. terrifying. and i'm not...like that. i don't know. i don't think about stuff like that...but i go to sleep and dream all this stuff up. psychologist says it's because i'm struggling with so many dark, angry feelings, and i have a creative mind, and this is how it comes out.

so, thanks brain.

if you've read this entire thing, thank you. i tell you guys more than i tell...well pretty much anyone. except psychologist. and nathan knows all this stuff. but somehow it comes out better with writing. this is my outlet, i suppose. for now. and thank you, all of you who have shown interest in reading this blog. and who read every word of it. it really means a lot. even though i don't know you that well, or know how you feel about what i say...i see that you do read it. and i know you cared enough to ask to read it. so, thank you.

still not tired, but going to stop typing to spare anymore word vomit. next time.

and, sorry for the f-bomb. like twice.

void

i got out of bed at 3pm today.

was looking forward to spending (much needed) time with a friend...until i got stood up.

my dad left this afternoon, but mom decided to stay a few days. for good reason i suppose. i'm hardly functioning. at home anyway.

i had the worst nightmare i've had in weeks last night.

i'm slowly getting down off the wellbutrin. i think my body is trying to die.

if all you see is griping, i apologize. it's a really low time for me, and it's truly all i feel. and i don't express these feelings to anyone but nathan, so they get spit out on the internet for all of you. most of who i barely know.

i just want to be happy, i just want to have a good day, i just want to have a day without tears and desperation. i want to enjoy spending time with my kids, i want to feel hope.

void. everything is void.

just stop

i deleted my twitter account.

i'm tired of people whispering around me and making sure there's enough padding and protection around me. because oh, i'm so fragile, i just might break. well, please, direct it to me. i'm obviously strong enough to go through all i have. i'm just now going insane. this has been going on for 6 years people. rape. teen pregnancy. less than 24 hours away from having an abortion. kicked out of my high school. graduated 5 months pregnant while everyone else went to college. being in love with someone else who didn't know it. parents said to give the baby up for adoption or i'd have to move out. nathan's parents said they wanted the baby for themselves if we didn't want it. watched my parents fall apart around me. went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and grandmother who told me i had to wear an off  white gown. said she wouldn't come if i wore white. yes, my christian, missionary, preacher's wife, elders wife, hospitable, christian grandmother. i had to go to a different church while i was pregnant. my mother asked me not to go out in the front yard, but to come and go from the back. that was 'for my protection'. the day of aidan's birth was the 2nd worst day in my life. the 1st was my wedding day. i can't even begin to describe it. i will eventually, but i'm all shaky and weepy again. i moved to college station not knowing a single soul, cried for 3 months because i felt so deserted. found out i was pregnant, cried for 9 more months. waitressed the whole time. and took care of my little family that i didn't want. i didn't want any of this. where did my life go? oh that's right. i've been back and forth on meds, not on meds, haven't found a friend here yet. we've been here 3 and a half years. it's mostly my fault, yes. so don't whisper. don't watch what you say. don't try to protect me. because i've gone through all that shit and i'm still here. so just stop it.

nothing is what i thought it would be. nothing is right. nothing is what i wanted. terrible, huh?

weepy

today was horrific. i cried 40% of the day. yelled at the kids about 20% of it. and the rest was spent in a reclusive state in the corner. i feel sorry for my kids. how do people get through this stuff? prayer? alcohol? friends? not much is helping. just bad day.

well i am praying. and screaming. and listening to music that expresses feelings in words i couldn't find. and drinking wine. (after the kids are in bed...come on.) the friends thing is lacking. only because i feel like such a bother to the ones i do have. who are nathan's friends. therefore concerned with school and school. and don't understand a weepy, emotional, female.

ever wish you could evaporate?

stripped

ahhhhh finally. i can say what i REALLY want to say. and i don't have to update you on my life. because you've read and stayed with me since i started revealing the darker parts of my life. i'm not adding my family to this blog, for multiple reasons. one of those being, i want to talk about them sometimes, but can't. because i get phone calls or emails if i do. another reason is because i've already been deemed the black sheep, the one "off the trail" and i'm just tired of it. who wouldn't be. i'm not crazy, i'm NORMAL. didn't realize it until i got out of there. i love my family. but there's a reason they're kept at a distance from me. from this.

the medicine has been making me feel like shit. for the past 4 or 5 days i've been super dizzy. if i turn my head too fast i feel like i'm going to vomit. if i stand up from sitting i get one of those things...it goes black for a second then there's that really intense headache. nathan says low blood pressure. and i cry, then laugh, feel hopeless, then indestructible. i can't sleep, unless i take medicine. doctor says push through. counselor says quit if it's not better in a week. the next step is going back to no medicine. it was horrible then, but at least i could feel.
while having 300mg of wellbutrin and 40mg of celexa in my system, bad moments are BAD. had a date with an exacto knife a few times. no intent of suicide. nothing crazy like that. but when you feel so bad inside, it only makes sense to want to distract and feel something, anything, somewhere besides your heart. it releases those feelings screaming to get out.

i'm taking my ipod and my energetic children to the park. it's sunny and perfect outside. mondays are nathan's long days. actually, every day is a long day. class wise, this is the longest though. i'm thankful for college station's parks.

thank you for wanting to be a part of this blog. it means a lot to know that people are reading it and interested in my less than thrilling life.