nothing

i simply don't have the energy or wits to write tonight. as much as i wish i could/need to. life is hard. but rewarding, and wonderful, and fulfilling. still, draining. and nagging. and weighing. soon. divorce, christianity, life, and love. in the place of friends, my blog and ability to write is definitely helping this loneliness.

get a grip, mamu

***to my horror, my spell check isn't working. i typed quickly and haven't proof read but i don't have time! eek! please excuse my clumsiness.**

can i please just pause the world and sit and blog and read and drink wine?! we've had a lice outbreak (see other blog) and computers are crashing and we have 4 kids playing soccer and ahhhhh!!!!!! life is crazy. but do i have a story for yall.

so my grandmother (that spurred the origional creation of this blog) that lives in brentwood (on the other side of nashville, about 30 minutes from here), has been texting me here and there since i've moved here and was asking to get together. my understanding was we'd meet up for lunch or something. so i get a text saying, "i have to go to nashville tomorrow morning since that's half way i can head your way after" and i said that was ok. so the next morning she says "i'm leaving now and have gps to help" i respond asking where we're meeting and get no response. i took mark's kids to his parents house and was hanging out there waiting to hear and i get this text "are you not here?" and i say "where's here?" and she says "your house". fml. so i shoot back over to my house and she's sitting on my front porch. i have no idea how she even got my address. she asks if i'm going to show her my house and i say suuuure...and awkwardly show her around. she then proceeds to stand in my living room and say the following sentance, "i just had to come see that you were ok with my own eyes because the talk of the family is that you're a slave." i had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from falling on the floor in a rolling fit of laughter. i asked her who was saying that and a slave to what?! she didn't have much of an answer. she then asked if this was my house and i said yes. she asked if i'd bought it, if my name was on it. well, techniquely no. but it's my house. it's OUR house. she argued with me and said it truly wasn't my house. seeing she wasn't going to let that go, i moved on. she proceeded to say that i was not her grandaughter, was tearing my parents apart and causing them health issues, asked me what happened to make me "snap", then said she'd always wondered if there was something wrong with me and if i'd ever been abused. i said "i'm not talking about that with you because i'm not going to sit here and explain myself and open up my life to you under these circumstances." her response? "ok, that answers my question. you were abused. that explains so much." uhhh...a bit presumptuous and fucking ridiculous mamu. thanks, though. then she started asking me about religious stuff. i shut that down on the spot. i was NOT about to engage her in that argument, not right there and then. she had nowhere to go with that one because i didn't allow it. if you want to talk to me like an adult, i'm more than willing to talk about it. i told her i was happy, healthy, and had a new found life and was loving it. she then said, "you're not truly happy. people who are truly happy don't need to announce it." i said "i don't announce it, what does that even mean?!" she said "all over facebook, you're always talking about how much you love your life and how happy you are. that shows me you're not really happy." uhhh....are you stupid?? if someone is TRULY happy it exudes out of every pore of their body! wtf! she then asked why i was so distant and hadn't come over and why i was burning bridges..saying they were the same family and i was the one keeping them at a distance. i said that i hadn't come over because i didn't want to put myself in a situation filled with judgement and unacceptance. why would i do that to myself?! i told her if she could accept me and my new life, then i'd be more than happy to come over. so then she tried the whole guilt trip thing...they do a lot of mission work overseas (ironic, eh?) and she talked about all these people persecuted and risking their lives to be christians and knowing god has saved them and freed them and how can i sit there and reject christianity. because i live in fucking america and that's my right. because we have FREEDOM of religion. so the guilt trip didn't work and i think she saw she would get nowhere with me so she said if i ever wanted to come home i could. i responded with, "well this is my home, so...." she left. i get a text an hour later saying "it was my choice to come, nobody knows about my 2 hour drive, bring the boys by sometime." my response was "i would be happy to as soon as you can accpet my new life and the new people in my life." she then said  "if the new people in your life love you they will seek help for you. it does not take a trained eye to see that you are troubled." (can you see the steam from where you're sitting?!) my response was "i'm getting more help, love, and encouragement from them than i've had in a very long time. i'm happy, healthy, and strong. i'm in a wonderful place in my life. once again, if you refuse to accept me or my choices, i'm sorry, but i won't continue to put up with it." and that was it.

hold on, it gets better.

so my cousin from texas came to town and i messaged her and said we should get lunch. i haven't seen her since i was pregnant with oliver. i have another cousin living here, but he's pretty close with mamu, so i hadn't contacted him at all since i've moved here. so they both met me and i was afraid it would be awkward and really didn't know what they'd be like. i knew they'd been hearing all the talk and didn't know their opinions of it all. but i wanted to meet them because they're my age, my family, and i wanted to show them i'm not some horrible person like i knew was circling the family. i can't even express with words how glad i am that i met with them. it was a giant vent session for ALL of us. it was awkward at first, but after i'd felt them out a bit, i opened up about the above situation and our lunch turned into a 3 hour conversation. it was so great to be able to talk to people who understand how insane my family is. mark basically thinks i came out of a cult.

anyway we talked, vented, and cleared the air about a ton of miscommunicated things. my cousin told me what all had been said about me and i can't say i was shocked but good god my family is being so nasty about me! there were rumors of all these things and i said multiple times, "they said WHAT?! no!!!! this is what really happened..." it was insane. and eye opening. stuff is so bad, my cousins didn't tell anyone else they met with me because when my cousin had mentioned it a few days earlier mamu said, "you should just forget about her". hmm. so here my "christian" family sits. the family that has modeled their lives after jesus. the family that has spent decades preaching and teaching about love, accpetance, grace, mercy....here my family sits. gossiping, lying, rejecting, hating, judging, not accpeting....does this seem backwards to anyone else? it's absolutely absurd. it's to the point it's almost comical. i know how sad that sounds.

my cousins and i talked about how smothered we felt by our family, how sheltered we were and at what age we discovered it, how hypritical it all is, and i talked a little about my de-conversion. they're not at that point, but i felt comfortable sharing some of that with them. it was releiving to talk to them. i talked about how difficult it was for me to finally stand up to them, and how i've dealt with the aftermath. they didn't know any of the details of the insane rejection i dealt with during my pregnancy, so i filled them in on that. at this point, i've pretty much accepted that htey will never accept me. i almost feel sorry for them, they're so blinded. there's a big world out there, step out and find it! find yourself, love your life, live with purpose.

i've got several ideas bouncing around in my head about how to go abotu writing here about my de-conversion. it's not about my family, it's not about past hurt, it's about what i've discovered in myself. i'm finally living without guilt. you can't understand how HUGE that is for me. my bitterness and resentment has faded. i don't hate my family, they made me who i am. but it makes me sad that they can't accept me. (why can't we all be grown ups?!) that's for another time. poor mark is out there de-licing the girls. i'm starting to feel a little bad for retreating for 2 hours with the computer and my music. just had to share the drama of my week with you :)

overdue

i'm so overdue on updating this blog. soon, i promise. wanted to give a quick update, though. i started getting b12 injections once a week a little more than a month ago. i started taking 20mg of prozac a day almost a month ago. i'm also taking 2 b-complex pills a day and melatonin at night. i wanted to find a more 'natural' way to manage my depression, and this combination is working wonders. i've had so many more good days than bad, i've been productive, bubbly, and fun. here's to hoping it continues! mark will be at the fire academy for officer school this week, so i'll update more then. now off to pack my boys for their week in texas! love.

living...honestly.

hold on if you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

i have found it. i have found that place of total comfort and love. so cliche but i feel like i'm literally tucked under a protective wing. i feel like i have someone surrounding every ounce of me, protecting me. and i can breathe. and i can rest. and oh how i needed it. it still feels new, but weirdly comfortable. i can say this, and mean it with 100% of my being...for the first. the FIRST. time in my life, i can be who i truly am. i'm not stuffed in a box. there are no boundaries, just purely feeling out myself and who i am. and i'm embracing it. and love's embracing it. and it's absolutely incredible. how have i been missing this my entire life?! how did i ever survive? i don't know. all i know is it's still hard to live the life you choose.

my depression rears it's ugly head more than i'd like. more than i can control. love is all brand new to it, so i've realized how difficult it is to explain. how do you describe such a complex and scary thing? so i allude it to a cloud. a dark, heavy cloud that pushes into me on all sides and follows me everywhere. that creepy antidepressant commercial with the wind up doll? yeah that's actually pretty good. in order to do something as simple as get out of bed requires "winding up". i have to tell myself it's just a day and i'll get through it because i have to. because the clock moves no matter what. and i watch the day move by, however slowly. shamefully, as i sit here, i didn't shower today and am still in the pjs i put on last night. some days i have to rest and stop fighting.


my panic attacks have worsened lately, but i think that's just normal life stresses...my brain tends to overheat rather easily. i keep trying to get myself in my craft room to get working on things...but i put it off. i think i'm almost scared of it. some nights i just get in a funk and i feel like i have enough control to pull myself out of it, but i choose not to. because i'm scared. because it's almost easier to just let it take over. because it's all i've ever known.

other times it takes every ounce of strength, every thought must be directed, just to function.

and other times i can just soak up love, sunshine, life, and laughter. and be ok. which is incredible.

and still other times i can't stop crying. for no reason. and love holds me and pretends to be strong, even though i know fear is the overwhelming emotion. but i just can't speak. or breathe. and it hurts, physically hurts. and love hurts with me.

i'm not alone anymore. i'm admired. i'm held. i'm supported. i'm encouraged. i'm beautiful. i'm full. i'm whole. i'm me. love.

so as for now, i'm managing this roller coaster of an illness with walks in the sunshine, vitamins, acceptance, hugs, b12 shots, tears, healthy eating and living, and love. putting off getting on an antidepressant, but feeling it's impending doom.

i'll keep you posted. like i said, it's hard to live the life you choose, but what a wonderful ride it is. i wouldn't ever go back. this is living. this is love. this is incredible.