nothing

so. rant. go.

my grandmother (the one that insisted i wear an off white gown to my wedding because it'd be SINFUL not to. and i did. because i was a pussy.) sent nathan a text a few nights ago carrying on about vows, leadership, and how much more they expected out of him. the issue? he called me a bad ass on facebook. (maybe she doesn't understand the meaning? it's a compliment.) anyway. he replied nicely. i then sent a text that was a little snappier. pointing out that lifestyle choices are CHOICES and that we don't really need guidance on this issue. she told me it was a sinful conversation. livid. would describe me. problem one. i'm not 14. don't fuss at me for something a 14 year old should be fussed at about. i've forgotten, am i an adult? ok. i don't have a problem with people pointing out issues they have with me. not at all. but to call out my husband and tell him he's breaking vows, letting down the family (??wtf) and not showing leadership because he said 'ass'.......anyone else think that's ridiculous? i'm so tired of my family. that sounds awful. i know. but they've always criticized, always stifled, always tried to stuff me into this teeny tiny chruch of christ box. i've never fit. therefore i've been labeled, shunned, and fussed at for my entire life. exhausting. and i'm fed up. i am who i am. i've accepted it. they haven't. and they're the super mega christians. how backwards is that?

while i'm on that. super-mega-christians. i get pregnant and instantly get a scarlet letter. i'm asked to leave my christian high school. yes, because i was pregnant. i would have graduated 5 months pregnant and could have hidden it. i was told by a christian adoption agency that i would be doing my child a disservice by keeping him. that i couldn't handle being a mother and it was an irresponsible choice to choose to be so. and that i should correct this "sin" by giving someone else a child. not a child. my child. then, my parents are specifically asked by my grandmother (the one mentioned before) that i not attend the family reunion in colorado. i was asked NOT to attend. i was the only one not there. then. my parents asked me to go to a different church. then, my mother asks me to leave out the back door and not the front because the neighbors were talking. then, i decide to keep my child, and my parents ask me to move out.

flip that over. nathan's family, who (besides his parents) aren't christian, invite me over. and i go over there night after night to eat their food because my dad couldn't look at me at the dinner table. they offer to let me come live there when my parents asked me to leave. they were overjoyed when i decided to keep aidan. (when i told my parents, dad informed me i had 'ruined mom's trip to michigan' ((because i called her there to tell her. i was in the hospital....come on.)) and when he was born dad came with a camera and in the sickest, most sarcastic way, said 'well i guess we take pictures because that's just what you do next, right?' then handed me a list of family members and said 'call them and tell them your news'. aidan's birth day was a bad day. worse than bad.)

sorry for ranting about my family. i could go on and on. i know it's not healthy. and, having said all that, i love my parents. and i respect my grandparents. but i'm so different and there's a lot of history of hurt between us. on both sides. but i love my parents dearly, we just rub in opposite ways.

sorry for the word vomit. i'm done.

i'm nervous about the body step training this weekend.

i should be doing so many other things than sitting at the computer right now.

i'm feeling better in my spirit. i won't claim happy yet. but i'm....calm. and i feel controlled. it's a wonderful feeling. thank you for the prayers.

postsecret

i love postsecret. LOVE it.

quote from this week's posting.

i guess i'm the opposite of suicidal. i feel so dead and i want to be alive.

thank you.

EFF

well...i created this blog because i was tired of hearing my family talk about it. or hearing that they were talking about it amongst themselves. or getting emails about my life choices.

i deleted my twitter because i was tired of people doing the same thing. i'd post something, and sometimes, less than 5 minutes later someone was asking me about it.

i know! it's public. i put it out there. i got that. i have no problem being open and sharing and i also have no problem with people having different opinions about me and my life. fine. but, really? if i was 14 i could understand it.

so i get a phone call this morning concerning my facebook activity. this is the third call. the.third.call. concerning my conversations with other people, my status updates...the subject of which is either drinking, bad language, or talking about something completely inappropriate like kissing girls. oh my GOD send me to hell now! shun. shun. shun. i might as well say what i actually feel and do what i actually want. they'd judge me all the same. i've had several phone calls about alcohol. my family thinks i'm an alcoholic i'm sure. good for them! it'll give them something to talk about with each other over lunch. good lord, guys. seriously.

i know, silly immature rant. but gosh i'm tired of it! i've been officially labeled mentally ill by my family. they said those actual words. horray! i think they'd all be happier if i sat in the corner reading a bible, occasionally patting a child on the head and feeding a homeless person.

i just love being in the middle of a perfectly rounded, sane, christian, loving family.

ok. rant is over.

cheesecake and tears

last night we went to caffe capri. it was incredible, as always. william was our waiter, he told the hostess he wanted us. :) he's hilarious. wine, pesto ravioli, then cheesecake. holy hell. it was a little frozen in the middle, but somehow that made it even better. it was amazing. so was the company. i went shopping yesterday for a top to wear for last night. i found an adorable black sleeveless top with cream lace at the top. i wore it with a cream mini skirt. and got some new black heels. i wore a cream pea coat. i was freezing and had to shave my legs, but it was totally worth it. i love wearing black and white. i felt pretty.

after dinner we headed to northgate. got a few drinks, then met some friends at sweet eugenes. i left early because i felt bad. not sick bad, mental bad. i had a huge knot in my throat and felt like i was about to cry. so i came home, cried, took a double dose of sleeping pills, and went to sleep. i got out of bed at 2pm. then went back to bed at 4:30. then got back up at 6:30 to take nathan to school.

i hate this disease. this condition. this "lack of prayer". whatever the hell you want to call it. i hate this depression. i can't help how i feel. i feel great, happy, sexy, and fun. then i feel like shit. and the change is so violent and comes without warning. i hate it.

why can't i just be normal? sometimes i feel so bad, i can't even explain it. it's excruciating. it hurts physically. i curl up on the floor and shake. it hurts in so many ways. i feel like i might explode. like actually explode.

now that i'm off the medicine, i'm back to feeling completely zapped of any kind of energy or motivation. i've got a list down to my toes of things to do, and can't seem to find any kind of energy to do any of it. the house hasn't been clean in 2 weeks. when i first started the celexa, i sent nathan 20 texts one day because i was so excited i cleaned the windows. and the bathroom. and the kitchen. all in one day. and i dusted. i was so happy to finally have the energy to do things. now i'm back to dirty rooms, and unfinished projects everywhere. does this ever end?

please god let it end.

silent screams.