what's it like to be manic every.single.day?!
it's like perfectly scrubbed baseboards
sparkling showers, kitchen, toilets
tens of projects littering the garage
90 mile an hour stories and gibberish
being so anxious i can't sit
feeling antisocial to the point of bailing each time
tears because i'm torn between projects
and so so much more.
is being manic every day better than being severely depressed every day?! i'm still not sure....
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
gushy
my love,
in the past week i have;
i don't care how crazy this makes me sound, because you are the balance to my crazy. you are the rock to my crazy. you somehow deal with me and love me. it will probably take my entire life, but i WILL return it all to you. every ounce of love, every teeth clenching, gut wrenching moment you've endured for me. thank you, my darling, for being my foundation, the only thing familiar to me when i'm lost, the only light i feel when i can't open my eyes, the only life i've ever ever ever wanted. ILYSFUCKINGM.
i never thought
that you would be the one to hold my heart
but you came around
and you knocked me off the ground from the start
you put your arms around me and i'm home
in the past week i have;
- spent 5 hours on the biggest love letter of all time in the form of a giant canvas to hang on our wall
- drug said canvas to the backyard and thrown it over the fence over a stupid wine-induced-emotional-rage
- thrown a crying fit and left the house in the broken down impala only to sit in a parking lot a block from our house crying for 20 minutes before coming home looking for a hug
- read the canvas, in it's crazy entirety, the second you and i were alone in our room
- fished said canvas from behind the back fence, stashed it in the playroom for safe keeping, and accepted me in the morning and my stupid apology
- opened the door for me with open arms, not allowing me to be such an emotional wreck and ruin our night
i don't care how crazy this makes me sound, because you are the balance to my crazy. you are the rock to my crazy. you somehow deal with me and love me. it will probably take my entire life, but i WILL return it all to you. every ounce of love, every teeth clenching, gut wrenching moment you've endured for me. thank you, my darling, for being my foundation, the only thing familiar to me when i'm lost, the only light i feel when i can't open my eyes, the only life i've ever ever ever wanted. ILYSFUCKINGM.
i never thought
that you would be the one to hold my heart
but you came around
and you knocked me off the ground from the start
you put your arms around me and i'm home
Monday, September 24, 2012
so far so good....not the best but by far not the worst. i'm managing the house again, hugging kids again, smiling and laughing again...thank god. or clouds. or trees. or whatever. i feel like my friendships here are growing stronger which is something i've been waiting for a very long time to happen. i'm applying for nursing school. i'm launching a facebook page selling some of the shit i make on a daily basis. maybe i can try to make up the difference for all the purchases? that's how i explain it to mark anyway ;) speaking of...he's amazing. he's been sick for over a week, but has faithfully stood by my side. i've been doing so well but last night was difficult and he just held me and let me cry for no reason. he's pretty much the best thing to have EVER stumbled into my life. i love that man like crazy. i don't have much to say tonight, just felt the need for an update. life is good. it's up. it's down. it's fucking crazy. but it's good. and i love this life i have.
wine and me time now.
wine and me time now.
Friday, September 14, 2012
last week at its best
last week was by far the worst week in the history of our relationship. since starting a new med and reducing the one i've been on for years, i've been slightly unstable. last week i was so down for 4 days straight. i couldn't get out of bed, and if i did i snapped on kids, cried nonstop, and didn't leave the house. i didn't shower, or change clothes, or get off the couch or out of bed. i can't even tell you how many times i broke down in tears over nothing.
the kids were miserable and so was mark who had to work a lot. the girls kept asking what was wrong and if i was mad at them. eventually they just told me to 'feel better' on a regular basis. i put aidan to bed one night and he broke down sobbing and said to me, "i'm sorry i've been such a bad boy and have made you so sad". i broke down too and assured him it wasn't him. i felt so terrible for the way i treated them, but i couldn't control myself. usually on my bad days i can be strong and fight it. not last week. i literally couldn't function.
then, on the fifth day, i woke up feeling invincible. i hopped out of bed, made coffee, sent kids off to school, and by 8:30 i was jamming to my music turned all the way up and started cleaning all the ceiling fans. then i scrubbed baseboards and painted them. then i took off two doors and 4 doorknobs and painted them. i wrote silly notes to the kids, and greeted them happily when they came home. when mark got home at 5 exhausted from the day, i wore him out talking 90 miles an hour until dinner time.
we sat down to eat and i started feeling angry. uncontrollable anger. i wanted to scream at everyone and tell them to shut the hell up. i wanted to go outside and smoke a pack of cigarettes. i wanted to pick a fight. i ended up with a panic attack, and feeling suicidal. the night ended with me in tears to the point of physical pain in mark's arms.
the next day i was back to feeling miserable. mark begged me to call the doctor. he had been asking me to do it for days, but i had an appointment on friday (today) and figured all they'd tell me to do is wait until i came in. but i called. the doctor told me to come in and pick up a sample of abilify, explaining that it was quick acting, and would act as a bridge until these new meds even out. i drove downtown right then and took it on the way home.
within 48 hours i felt better. driving to the gym on thursday morning, i told mark "i actually feel a little better today, but really don't want to jinx it". that afternoon i was tolerant of kids, we had a pleasant dinner, and a good family time. after the kids were in bed, mark praised me over and over thanking me profusely for how well the day went. i can only imagine the relief he felt.
today was my appointment. i met with the actual psychiatrist. i told him about my week. he listened and asked me several questions. i felt like he truly cared, which was something i wasn't expecting out of a guy who is one of a few in his specialty. he told me to cold turkey quit the prozac, doubled my dose of lamictal, and gave me almost a thousand, yes a thousand, dollars of samples of abilify. he said that hopefully the abilify would be temporary. out of pocket, it's $450 for a months worth of the lowest dose.
i walked out feeling unbelievably thankful and blessed. not in the thank-you-god blessed, because god had nothing to do with this. science and technology are to thank. and the generosity of my parents. mark and i went into downtown nashville and found a patio to sit on for lunch. we people watched, and enjoyed the PERFECT weather. today was GOOD. i am hopeful.
and kudos to mark, who has dutifully put up with this bullshit. he's never dealt with anyone with a mental disorder. he's a champ. thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin, i owe you everything. i love you.
the kids were miserable and so was mark who had to work a lot. the girls kept asking what was wrong and if i was mad at them. eventually they just told me to 'feel better' on a regular basis. i put aidan to bed one night and he broke down sobbing and said to me, "i'm sorry i've been such a bad boy and have made you so sad". i broke down too and assured him it wasn't him. i felt so terrible for the way i treated them, but i couldn't control myself. usually on my bad days i can be strong and fight it. not last week. i literally couldn't function.
then, on the fifth day, i woke up feeling invincible. i hopped out of bed, made coffee, sent kids off to school, and by 8:30 i was jamming to my music turned all the way up and started cleaning all the ceiling fans. then i scrubbed baseboards and painted them. then i took off two doors and 4 doorknobs and painted them. i wrote silly notes to the kids, and greeted them happily when they came home. when mark got home at 5 exhausted from the day, i wore him out talking 90 miles an hour until dinner time.
we sat down to eat and i started feeling angry. uncontrollable anger. i wanted to scream at everyone and tell them to shut the hell up. i wanted to go outside and smoke a pack of cigarettes. i wanted to pick a fight. i ended up with a panic attack, and feeling suicidal. the night ended with me in tears to the point of physical pain in mark's arms.
the next day i was back to feeling miserable. mark begged me to call the doctor. he had been asking me to do it for days, but i had an appointment on friday (today) and figured all they'd tell me to do is wait until i came in. but i called. the doctor told me to come in and pick up a sample of abilify, explaining that it was quick acting, and would act as a bridge until these new meds even out. i drove downtown right then and took it on the way home.
within 48 hours i felt better. driving to the gym on thursday morning, i told mark "i actually feel a little better today, but really don't want to jinx it". that afternoon i was tolerant of kids, we had a pleasant dinner, and a good family time. after the kids were in bed, mark praised me over and over thanking me profusely for how well the day went. i can only imagine the relief he felt.
today was my appointment. i met with the actual psychiatrist. i told him about my week. he listened and asked me several questions. i felt like he truly cared, which was something i wasn't expecting out of a guy who is one of a few in his specialty. he told me to cold turkey quit the prozac, doubled my dose of lamictal, and gave me almost a thousand, yes a thousand, dollars of samples of abilify. he said that hopefully the abilify would be temporary. out of pocket, it's $450 for a months worth of the lowest dose.
i walked out feeling unbelievably thankful and blessed. not in the thank-you-god blessed, because god had nothing to do with this. science and technology are to thank. and the generosity of my parents. mark and i went into downtown nashville and found a patio to sit on for lunch. we people watched, and enjoyed the PERFECT weather. today was GOOD. i am hopeful.
and kudos to mark, who has dutifully put up with this bullshit. he's never dealt with anyone with a mental disorder. he's a champ. thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin, i owe you everything. i love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
