day 25

today is day 25 of the new medication. i was doing really well for the first 14 days, but these last 11 have really hurt. i really need this shit to even out. my moods and feelings are all over the place and it's wearing on me. i miss my parents. i miss my friends. i'm sick of crying. stupid stupid stupid.

think education is expensive? try ignorance.

When they threw God out of the schools because of one atheist woman that is when the schools across this great country started on their road to hell. Since when does a minority speak for the majority? Time for the majority to start making God the reason for this country and too bad for those minorities that don't believe in God. I believe to listen to the minority and see if what they say has merit and the majority and can benefit from it but if the majority can't benefit from it then the minority will just have to change or abide by what the majority decides. If they don't like it try another country to live in and try the same crap over there.

--some ignorant bastard commenting on one of my friends' facebook post

 

are you fucking serious?! so we (as in atheists) have no rights? we should move to another country?! how insanely ignorant and insulting. it makes me so angry with the whole christian community (in general) when i think of how blinded they can be. we're all american citizens, we all have the same rights, so please tell me again why, living in this free country, my children should be subjected to prayer in schools, and not being taught evolution? why can't we leave religion out of our public schools? separation of church and state anyone? 

 

i am raising all five of my children to be free thinkers. to question, to educate themselves, and decide what they believe and why. so how unfair is it to me as a parent and them as growing, developing young souls, to go to school and have to be a part of a team prayer before games, or only be taught selective things in science class? according to dumbass up there we should just move out of the country. 

 

how about teaching in schools what science has proven, things we can back by solid evidence. if you're so sure of your religion, why should it bother you that we want to teach our children basic, scientific information? then allow them to have their own opinions about religion? 

 

i promise you, if any of the five of my children come to me and ask to go to church, come out as homosexual, or choose any religion, no matter how bizarre, if they come to me knowing in their hearts why they have chosen it, i will embrace them and support them a thousand percent. 

 

what were those treasured fruits of the spirit i had memorized in grade school?  mine are the same. as a human race, i think we all strive for these traits. they are not purely for christians.   

 

love. love for my family.

joy. joy even when life is dreary.

peace. breathe. love. joy. peace.

patience. when the kids just.won't.chill.out. patience for the passage of time.

kindness. random acts every.single.day. is my goal. friends, strangers, and family alike.

goodness. good-ness.

faithfulness. faithfulness to my partner. faithfulness to my family. faithfulness to my dreams, my hopes, and my beliefs.

gentleness. to be gentle to those around me, because we can never fully understand the hardship of another person's life.

self control. for the benefit of my family, for the benefit of myself, because impatience and greed will only harm your family, finances, and life.

what are we missing as a society that we cannot share these traits, and be unified in that?

sigh. this world is full of crazy. i love this free country we live in, and it's because of the freedom of speech, and freedom of religion, that dumbass up there can say things like that, and i can blog posts like this without worrying about my head being chopped off or anything like that. 

love.joy.peace.

anticipating the long awaited

my appointment is tomorrow morning at 11. i'm nervous, but oh so excited. not sure how i will fit 10 years worth of shit into one short appointment that i've waited 60 days for...should i go in with my bullet list of the past 10 years? should i just wing it and see what they ask? i have a list of meds that didn't work, and mostly just screwed with me.

mark has to work, so i'm on my own. but i know he, and my parents, will be thinking of me and are supporting me a thousand percent.

please please please give me some answers. 

unmedicated

welcome to my life. the life of a bipolar, crazy, unmedicated woman. the blog is public again because i've vowed to attempt to keep my bitter rantings out of it. that's not why i created this blog. ((don't worry, i saved all of your email addresses for when i decide to recoil and make it private again...)) ya never know.

i've been off my meds completely for 2 weeks now. lemme tell ya, it's not a pretty thing. i have an appointment with an md/psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders. i've been on the waiting list for 2 months now, and they called the other day to push it back another 10 days. august 10th. d-day. i am going in armed with 8 years' worth of medications, treatments, and other failed methods (aka church, prayer, etc). mark and the kids couldn't be more ready for this change. ((no the kids don't know about my doctor visit, medications, or gory details of my disease)) they're ready, they just don't know how ready they are. mark is ready and DOES know how ready he is. poor bastard deserves a trophy at this rate. or maybe just a 'normal' partner. yeah. that would probably be best.

i have only my parents' support and love to thank for this amazing opportunity. as i filter through the issues in my past i've had with them, as angry as i may get, i always break down in mark's arms begging for my parents. i miss them and they truly are so dear to my heart. they are me. i am them. i miss them. i love them deeply. if i keep writing about them, i'll cry. and i swore i wouldn't cry tonight.

so what's it like being off medication? oh you know. piece of cake. i don't get out of bed before noon, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours at a time, the kids run out of milk for their cereal, i cry while begging my son to just.leave.me.alone. i resist the urge to find that long lost razor blade, just to prove i'm alive and that i can feel. i focus on how dusty the house is, or how dirty the curtains are, or how empty the walls are and busy myself cleaning, projecting, and crafting.

i make a strong drink when i'm ready for sleep, because if i don't, i won't. my brain spins all day and night. why am i here? what good am i? why is this the hand i've been dealt? why can't i just grab the kids and love on them like i want? why can't i get out of bed? why can't i just feel something? anything? besides guilt, anger, and hatred for myself. i'm spunky! i'm fun! i'm cheerful...for fucks sake my name means 'cheerful hope'! and i so am. i SO am. it's in there, but i can't get it out. it burns through me. i sit there staring at my messy pile of shoes and clothes on my side of the closet while i hold one of mark's worn shirts, sobbing into it just waiting to feel normal. to feel different. 'cry it out' is not something i can do anymore, not unmedicated.

this is my life. this is me. all i can do is embrace it. fight it. fix it. this is my cancer, my sickness. this is mine to deal with in this life. not mark's, not my five kids' issue. mine. a weaker person would have crumbled by now, right?

oh but i feel so weak. i'm getting through my days minute by minute. sometimes, second by second. but i claw through them. because i'm stubborn. because this damned thing is not going to take me over. because i'm better, stronger, and way fucking more awesome than this.

this internal struggle is absolutely exhausting. some days i don't come out as on top as i'd hoped, but i haven't given up yet. and i won't. i'm so close. maybe one day this will be a blessing. i know myself internally more intimately than i ever knew someone could. that sounds weird. but everything i do is so spontaneously calculated. so randomly explained. to me. i know me. more than anyone ever ever will. when i have mood snaps, i know why. i know what caused it. i know how to counter it. i just don't know how to make others understand it. i don't always have the strength to control it, but i know it.

i truly love my life. i just can't wait to fully live this life that i love. and to show the people closest to me just how amazing it all is. soon, soon.

this is my therapy. thank you all for the love and support.

love love love.