up down up down up down

up down up down up down. this week has been up and down more times than i can even attempt to count.

body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)

hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.

parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.

girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.

as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!

up down up down up down.

spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.

this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.

i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.

i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off,  started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.

thankfully, i am now free.

bland? bitter? bitchy? you choose

so apparently my thankfully ex-husband has dropped out of college (with only 6 years and well over $80,000 invested) ((or was kicked out because of failing grades)) (((or had a divine intervention...all are equally possible))) and is back in our home town living with his parents working at a grocery store and joining the marines as previously planned...except he's enlisting instead of going in as an officer. whoops. sad i missed out on that part of our "journey". oh and if that wasn't bad enough, he hasn't called his children in over a month. WHOOPS. ((although i will give him credit for that last phone call mid february which lasted 3 minutes and 24 seconds))

so don't judge me for not giving a shit about his dumb ass, and don't you dare judge me for loving that my children have a true father figure in their lives every.single.day. who loves them as his own, and unconditionally. but don't think we have EVER said anything negative about him to the boys. i actually enjoy how non existent he is from all of our lives. minus that measly check i get at some point every month. that helps a LOT.
ok pissy-dead-beat-dad-rant over.
onto more personal and bland things.
i've been doing a lot of gardening and crafts. i upped my meds, which has really balanced me out. i still have terribly vivid dreams/nightmares. some days i can't sleep, some i can't get enough sleep. some days i get a thousand things done, others i am useless and actually create more mess than i eliminate. getting outside helps a lot.
wow that really was bland. and difficult to write. because i'm trying to sound...normal? calm? i don't know.
i'm contemplating making my blog private again. not because i'm ashamed of who i am, and what i deal with, and not because i'm afraid of sharing my life. this is such a total outlet for me and i absolutely LOVE the support i get, and i truly do enjoy being challenged by the criticism as well. the grown-up-criticism that is. the messages calling me names and breathing fire at me are more comical than anything else. my favorites are the emails and messages telling me things about myself or my past that i never even knew! who would have known, better than me, why i chose to do what i did?! apparently there are a LOT of people who have lived my life instead of me, and like to fill me in on things i must have somehow missed. to my utter disappointment, they never do laundry.
meanwhile, i'm teaching my kids to ride bikes. i'm taking my puppy on walks. i'm loving my partner. i'm laughing, and completely enjoying my life. (they pretend all they see is the sex i have with horses on saturday nights (only for money to FEED MY KIDS for fucks sake), and the devil worshiping we do as a family every sunday afternoon, and the incredible amount of liquor, tattooing, and bondage we engage in, and consume weekly)
yall should see this shit. total carnage.

i mean seriously?! who wouldn't want this life :)

christianity and other scary shit

faith means making a virtue out of not thinking
-bill maher

i've got an actual post in the works that i'm actually trying to write/edit about this shit. for those of you who don't know, each and every one of these blog posts pretty much just explode out of me here and there. i don't re-read, edit, or anything of that sort. just put it out there. because that's what a true outlet is, right? not a conditioned form of some sort of emotion or thought you need to rid yourself of, correct? so all that to say, this is about my beef with christianity, yes, but this is just the turmoil of thoughts in my head tonight. i'm actually working on an educated sounding, fact based, sited, written piece. this will not be. this is a rant. or as best as i can do to type as fast as my brain is spinning over all this.

i know all of you are facebook friends, and many are reading shaking your heads after my apparently very abrasive status last night. she's lost touch of reality, her soul has been influenced by satan, she has fallen away, she is on a crooked path, she is doomed, this is sad, let's all pray for her. please do. i'll let ya know if it helps any. if i start bible thumpin next week, i'll apologize and make sure you all know that you're right. until then...

grow up.

because i sure as hell have. you spent your life worshipping, praying, loving god? you've devoted thousands of hours concentrating on his word, trying so hard to model your life after christ? good for you. i'm not being sarcastic. way to put your whole heart into something. it's very very hard to do that. you believe it a thousand percent? you raise your children in it? amazing. if you believe it so strongly to do all of this, back it. stand behind it. and know WHY you stand behind it. i will respect you, your choices, your freedom. so why is the favor not returned? you're like vultures, it's unbelievable. if you truly want to know why i believe what i believe and why i stopped believing what i believed in the past, ask! don't come at me with hateful messages and emails telling me how wrong i am. i mean, seriously?! how uncalled for and immature is that? i had three, out of nineteen people come at it with that approach. "hey hilary, can you explain to me why you feel this way? i respect you, i don't agree with you, but i respect you and am curious to your reasoning." the other sixteen were along the lines of,  "can't believe you'd say something like that...you're going to hell....god loves you, you really need to come back...you're a sinner...you're a whore"...and so on.

respect me, i'll respect you. hell, i'll respect you even when you don't respect me. because i'm a good person. i'm a good ATHEIST person. oxymoron? fuck no. dont' get me wrong, i'll take my licks. i'll take them and be the bigger person, take that "christians"-who-are-twice-my-age-and-the-most-close-minded-people-i've-ever-met! but fuck you.

it's the little things.

part three

i spent a miserable 10 days in texas before i contacted mark. on my wedding anniversary. found out he had called off the wedding. my thankfully ex-husband was due to move out any day. i left the kids with grandparents in texas and drove to tennessee. i left straight from the houston airport after dropping off my thankfully ex-husband at the airport to head to 6 weeks of officer training for the marines. that last night we spent in that hotel we spent in separate beds. i laid awake in anticipation of coming to tennessee, and also just staring at the ceiling knowing it was my last night with him forever. wondering what my life would have in store for me. life, as i knew it, had forever changed.

i drove the long 16 hours, only stopping to eat and potty. my heart rate jumped substantially every mile. i contemplated stopping for a bottle of wine about 100 miles out. i watched the miles tick by and finally made it to nashville. while driving through nashville, i refreshed my breath, my hair, my lip gloss, and deodorant. i called him once i was in hendersonville and he told me how to get to his house (although i'd practically memorized mapquest). he told me i may want to let him drive my car into his garage because his driveway was so steep. i got out of the car and watched him walk down the driveway to me. i was shaking and nervous to the point of nausea. he drove my car in and i followed him into his house. we went up to his bonus room and sat on the couch. he grabbed me and said, "i can't believe you're actually here." he was shaking, as was i.

he took me to dinner that night at a mexican restaurant we go to quite often now. we sat on the patio with margaritas until the sun went down. that night we cuddled on the couch and he introduced me to tosh.o, now one of our favorite shows. we laughed, kissed, and talked all night. the next day we slept until noon then got up and went for taco bell. then drove around looking at houses, walking in parks, until dinner time. we would go back to his house, get ready, and he'd take me out. that was our pattern for the entire week. lazy mornings in bed followed by late nights talking and learning each other.

i put him under strict orders to NOT tell me he loved me in this week while i was visiting. i purely wanted to be with him and see what we had. i didn't want to get caught up in the juvenile 'i love you' jitters. plus, i didn't want him to say it and me not feel it and the awkwardness that ensues...etc. although i almost blurted it out many times myself. on the third morning, i was laying on my stomach with my head facing away from him. he thought i was asleep. he started tracing my tattoo, then on the third time through my tattoo, i noticed he was writing something different. i caught on from "ve you" on. it was followed by a few !! as well. my heart fell to the floor and i was fairly confident he could feel it shaking the bed. and that was it. the most romantic, intimate, incredible moment of my life. my world changed that second.

i had to go back to texas and get my boys. i spent five miserable days there. i packed them in the car and drove to tennessee the day of my birthday. i walked in and met his kids, and introduced mine to him. aidan and oliver immediately went with jake who wanted to show them all his cool wii games. we sat on the couch watching them, and i was teary eyed with how right it all felt. home. family. love. he took us all to dinner that night at our mexican restaurant. i didn't leave for three weeks. i went back to texas, packed up a u-haul with the help of my thankfully ex-husband, and left it all behind me. i'd never felt so liberated. i made it to tennessee and to his parents house, where they had a chilled bottle of wine waiting for me. i was finally home.

and here i sit. here we sit. more in love than that morning he first 'told' me. happy. complete.