part three

i spent a miserable 10 days in texas before i contacted mark. on my wedding anniversary. found out he had called off the wedding. my thankfully ex-husband was due to move out any day. i left the kids with grandparents in texas and drove to tennessee. i left straight from the houston airport after dropping off my thankfully ex-husband at the airport to head to 6 weeks of officer training for the marines. that last night we spent in that hotel we spent in separate beds. i laid awake in anticipation of coming to tennessee, and also just staring at the ceiling knowing it was my last night with him forever. wondering what my life would have in store for me. life, as i knew it, had forever changed.

i drove the long 16 hours, only stopping to eat and potty. my heart rate jumped substantially every mile. i contemplated stopping for a bottle of wine about 100 miles out. i watched the miles tick by and finally made it to nashville. while driving through nashville, i refreshed my breath, my hair, my lip gloss, and deodorant. i called him once i was in hendersonville and he told me how to get to his house (although i'd practically memorized mapquest). he told me i may want to let him drive my car into his garage because his driveway was so steep. i got out of the car and watched him walk down the driveway to me. i was shaking and nervous to the point of nausea. he drove my car in and i followed him into his house. we went up to his bonus room and sat on the couch. he grabbed me and said, "i can't believe you're actually here." he was shaking, as was i.

he took me to dinner that night at a mexican restaurant we go to quite often now. we sat on the patio with margaritas until the sun went down. that night we cuddled on the couch and he introduced me to tosh.o, now one of our favorite shows. we laughed, kissed, and talked all night. the next day we slept until noon then got up and went for taco bell. then drove around looking at houses, walking in parks, until dinner time. we would go back to his house, get ready, and he'd take me out. that was our pattern for the entire week. lazy mornings in bed followed by late nights talking and learning each other.

i put him under strict orders to NOT tell me he loved me in this week while i was visiting. i purely wanted to be with him and see what we had. i didn't want to get caught up in the juvenile 'i love you' jitters. plus, i didn't want him to say it and me not feel it and the awkwardness that ensues...etc. although i almost blurted it out many times myself. on the third morning, i was laying on my stomach with my head facing away from him. he thought i was asleep. he started tracing my tattoo, then on the third time through my tattoo, i noticed he was writing something different. i caught on from "ve you" on. it was followed by a few !! as well. my heart fell to the floor and i was fairly confident he could feel it shaking the bed. and that was it. the most romantic, intimate, incredible moment of my life. my world changed that second.

i had to go back to texas and get my boys. i spent five miserable days there. i packed them in the car and drove to tennessee the day of my birthday. i walked in and met his kids, and introduced mine to him. aidan and oliver immediately went with jake who wanted to show them all his cool wii games. we sat on the couch watching them, and i was teary eyed with how right it all felt. home. family. love. he took us all to dinner that night at our mexican restaurant. i didn't leave for three weeks. i went back to texas, packed up a u-haul with the help of my thankfully ex-husband, and left it all behind me. i'd never felt so liberated. i made it to tennessee and to his parents house, where they had a chilled bottle of wine waiting for me. i was finally home.

and here i sit. here we sit. more in love than that morning he first 'told' me. happy. complete.

part two

we woke up tangled up. i was beyond thirsty so i told mark i needed a coke. we must have walked 2 miles to find one. it was hot and humid. i talked and never shut up, not for a second. he reached out for my hand. i was sure my heart was going to come shooting out my toes. but i tried to keep it cool. so we walked hand in hand to find a coke. we went to the beach to play in the sand and water. i underestimated the waves...they didn't look threatening, and i assured him i wasn't going to get my hair wet...had to stay cute, of course! i wasn't even up to my knees yet in the water, and the first wave took both of us down before we knew what happened. we came up sputtering and laughing. we sat down in the water and played with the sand, tossing it around and giggling. he suggested we try walking further into the water...he later admitted his intentions were not, as he said, to see how far we could go, but in the hopes he'd get to catch me when the waves knocked me back. he got his way.

for our last night in destin, we decided to order pizza and hang out on the broken boat. i must have spent an hour getting ready. i showed up in a strapless yellow sundress with a bottle of wine. we laughed, joked, cussed, and told stories. eventually mark and i walked to the end of one of the docks. we sat with our feet in the water and talked. there was no sense of time, i couldn't hear anything but my chattering or see anything but him. somehow i told him my entire story while he listened and asked questions. it was the first time in my life i was truly heard. we talked about our shitty relationships and how much we were regretting going "home". we never once shared our feelings for each other. i finished my bottle of shiraz, whispered a wish into the bottle, put the cork back on, and tossed it into the ocean.

even though we didn't sleep, the next morning came way too soon. we knew what it meant. we'd go our separate ways, and would never see each other again. we awkwardly hugged each other goodbye. he told me if i was ever back in tennessee to give him a shout. i weakly smiled, said goodbye to everyone else, and hopped in the car as fast as i could. the 6 hour drive back was miserable. i knew he was on the same highway going to the same place. we got to tennessee and headed to bed. my flight was early the next morning. on the way to the airport, my friend pointed at his exit and said that he was working today just a mile from where we were. my heart was aching, pulling me to where he was. but i ignored it. and went back to texas, to my little boys and my thankfully now ex-husband. guess how long that lasted?

part one

i don't remember much about that time,

just the smell of the air and your hand in mine
riding the strip, sittin' on my lap
in the back of the truck with the only friends I had

it was spring break, we were out late,
and i thought goodness for heavens sake when i saw you
and then I kissed you...
on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend

like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the sound of the boat
starting up, heading out of the bay
girl you faded away.

i still taste the shots on your lips that night,
and the smoke from the club still burns my eyes
feel of your body takin' off your dress,
waking up that morning in a tangled mess.
so if i'd have known, i'da held on
a little bit longer and stronger with nothing to lose,
cause i still see you...

on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend.
i watched you drive through the gate
without saying the words i needed to say.

like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the tears on your face
and the sun going down that day
girl you... faded away
you faded away
-faded away ((luke bryan))

ever almost lose the one thing you could never bear to lose? i almost did. but i didn't. last weekend was just a clusterfuck. it's had me reflecting on what really is important in my life. my priorities. remembering that mark is my number one. if we're not good, the family isn't good. he saves me every day.

part one.

i was sitting in my usual spot...in front of the computer listening to music, dreaming of another life, and reading blogs. of course, i had my bottle of wine right next to me. the nights he was gone, which were most of them, i didn't bother with a glass. i was on facebook and started up a chat with a friend i'd met during my semester at lipscomb in nashville 4 years earlier. we hadn't kept in touch much at all, but that night we poured our hearts out to each other. she suggested i get a plane ticket and come see her for a weekend in tennessee. i bought the ticket, then later that night i told him i was going.

i made it to tennessee, and she was planning on heading to destin that weekend with a group of firefighters. the plan was to lay on the beach all day, then party with them at night. i extended my ticket another 4 days. so desperate for something, anything. she her firefighter buddy worked together and decided mark and i might be a good match for the weekend. i went along with it one, because i was miserable, and two, because i'd seen his picture and i'm not a stupid woman. it was supposed to be a fling. nothing more than a good weekend.

then their boat broke.

that night we went to eat at a restaurant on the coast, then to a crowded bar in the city. he made me laugh harder than i'd laughed in years. it was awkwardly wonderful. i felt like a middle schooler and tripped over myself every time he looked at me. he grabbed my hand and led me through the bar, which was our first physical contact. (except when we first met. i got out of the car, and he hugged me. he said he did it to keep from falling over.) i whispered to my friend asking if she thought he liked me...she told her boyfriend, who, to my horror, loudly asked him if he thought i was cute. he said yes. i was a bumbling fool at this point.

the next morning we went for a drive looking for a waffle house. turns out there were 2 within a mile of our hotel room, but we were too starstruck to see them. so we ended up at chick fil a. we went to a mexican restaurant for lunch, drank margaritas, and then headed back to the broken boat. i hadn't been to the beach yet, so i was trying to persuade my friend to go with me. she didn't want to go, but mark said he'd go. (which was what i was hoping for anyway...) so we made it to the beach right at sunset. we walked out to the water and i chatted his ear off. telling him every story i'd ever heard. we people watched, but mainly just watched each other....
that night we got ready to go out, got in the truck, and i was trying to be a badass and drive the monster. (because i'm from texas and know how to drive a truck...?...ha) mark was next to me and next thing i know, i look over and he's on the ground on his back. all i see are his flip flops in the air. apparently he didn't realize the door was open and was trying to show off. he had to change. while i sat in the truck and giggled. we went to aj's which is a bar looking over the ocean. we drank and sang and danced. i asked him to show me where the bathrooms were, and so he came with me. once i came out, he was standing against the rail of a balcony over the water. i went to him, and he kissed me. i was sure i was in a movie. or dream. or something. it was unbelieveably surreal. we spent that night steaming up truck windows...which would have been romantic if it weren't for the van full of a family next to us that stayed there ALL NIGHT.

....part two coming up next...the rest of our first weekend together, then the whirlwind of a story we have after that. this man is my rock, my lover, my best friend.

attacked

these past few weeks have brought me back to feeling a need to be overwhelming self-preserving. i've felt this way before, of course. throwing up walls and shit.

once, when i was 17 and raped by a close family friend who was 26, but was too scared to tell anyone except my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband, a mere 6 months later when i found out i was pregnant january of my senior year at a christian school by my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband.

then, when i planned to abort my fetus (now, my sunshine)

then when i was forced by a christian adoption agency and my parents to adopt him out. how irresponsible it would be, for an 18 year old, to become a mother.

then by my family, claiming i was on my own should i choose motherhood at 18.

then by the christian adoption agency, the adoptive family, my family, and basically everyone in my life except for a precious handful, when i chose motherhood 10 days before the birth of my sunshine, aidan.

then again, when i conceived my second (which was "legitimate"...so it confused me a bit)...i believe my mother's exact words were, "oh i'm so sorry hilary, what are you going to do?!" and my dad said "...congratulations" in the most depressing way ever.

then again when i told my family of my rape and ....nothing.... was done. well, a discreet meeting with elders and prayer groups happened...but that didn't benefit me in the slightest. i was hoping for a castration. instead i got prayers and doubt.

then, when i realized my (gratefully) ex-husband was scared of my disease, of my depression and bipolarism, and ran away from me dropping me in a ditch to fend for myself in the dark. with an infant on my tit and a 2 year old on my hip.

then, when i was at the point of taking the babies in the car with me on drives at night for the sole reason i wouldn't run my car off the highway into a tree and would keep them safe, even if i couldn't/didn't want to keep myself safe.

then, when i stood up to everyone. and i mean everyone. and left my life in texas to start a new (and unplanned! oh the horror!) life in tennessee.

i had no consistent supporter, no one who stood by me all that time, no fairy in the sky who held my hand, nothing. but myself. and my own strength. and my will to survive. it wasn't graceful, or pretty, or easy. it was gut wrenching, excruciating, and raw. it was nasty, and at my lowest point i was barely holding my head up, slumped in the corner of the bathroom wishing for death with a razor blade in my hand.

but here i am. here WE are. because that free spirit in me that my family has always cursed, came out when nothing else would. because i'm stronger than all that. because life is for living. because i'm not a coward, i'm not willing to live a half-ass life and be miserable. god doesn't inspire me anymore. my children do. the sun does. my wonderful partnership with the most amazing man i've ever heard of does. colors do. stolen giggles behind closed doors do. this is life. this is MY life.

well now that we're current...back to the past few weeks. the first incident...well the information i can tell you is very limited pending a man twice my age growing a ball or two. i should lend him one of mine. if he ever does, i'll explain in detail. it'll be comical at that point. right now it makes my ears burn and my heart explode in anger. anyway, in once sentence, he works with the same fire department mark works at, and his wife went off her fucking rocker and came to my house, attacked me and threatened my family over about 10 text messages and a few exchanges of (accused, NOT EVER proven) googly eyes. so far, he has yet to sprout even the slightest hint of a silver chest hair and deal with this situation.

second incident. my puppy, my boy, my joey, attacked me. in a more literal sense. here's what i typed up for animal control:

February 15, 2012


I was sitting in the living room on the floor painting my nails. Joey (our 90 pound, 10 month old Great Dane) kept sticking his nose in everything and wouldn't lay on the couch, so I said “Joey, let's go outside.” He started bounding in circles from the kitchen to the living room. He has done this before but always stops after one or two circles and sits in his corner because he knows he's wrong. He continued to go in circles despite my verbal commands. I caught him and grabbed his collar and told him he was going outside, and he turned and latched on to my left forearm. I was startled and let him go. I then knew he wasn't playing and I knew I had to get the kids back. I had all 5 of my children at home, one at the kitchen table doing homework (age 6), one outside (age 5), two in their room (ages 11 and 9), and one upstairs (age 4). The one doing homework at the table got up to try and help me and I told him to sit and not get up. Joey lunged at me and was jumping up at me with all of his teeth bared. I caught him again by his collar, and pulled it off because it's loose. He continued lunging at me. At this point I was crying, shaking, and very scared. I grabbed him by the back of the neck, and attempted to drag him upstairs to where his kennel is. He turned and bit my left leg and tore a hole in my pants. I knew I couldn't get him upstairs, so I tried to drag him to the back door. He got away from me, and I was trying to catch him, and he came up behind me and jumped on my back, pushing my shoulders with his front paws and I fell down. He then grabbed my pony tail and pulled it. My adrenaline kicked in, and I somehow flipped him on his back and basically body slammed him to the ground and he knocked into a shelf and knocked a bunch of things over. I had him pinned to the ground and nearly strangled him. I then held onto his neck as hard as I could and tried to drag him to the front door, desperate to get him out of the house. He got away from me, and I called the 9 year old to stand in the doorway to help me catch him. He lunged at her and I caught him from behind. I grabbed his neck and he bit down on my left forearm and held on tight, gnawing at it. I just let him hold on and got him out the back door. I yelled at the child outside to come in and held onto Joey until he did. I then let him go and shut the door. He tried to follow me back in but moved his head just in time. I called my husband, who was at work, in a panic. He came home immediately and put Joey in his kennel. We let him out only to eat and go potty. I have never been so terrified in my life. I felt like I was fighting for my life, and for my children. I know if he wanted to he could have easily killed me. This act of aggression is inexcusable, and for the safety of myself and my children, my husband and I have decided he needs to be put down.

and he was put down on saturday the 18th. we had a behaviorist come to our home on friday after the attack. she has 25 years experience and travels to train k9 units for police departments, and specializes in aggressive dogs. she said joey is the third scariest dog she's ever encountered. she got a total creeper vibe from him the second she walked into the house. which really disturbed me...we knew nothing. but we're looking into another great dane. we just love the breed. he was mentally ill, and needed to go. but one bad one doesn't mean the whole breed is bad. he was such a sweetheart before all this, and exactly what we wanted out of a dog. the kids took it better than mark or i did. resilient.

so all this word vomit to say....i'm strong. you're strong. when you're at the bottom of your world, you're strong. not because you choose it. not because you roll up your sleeves and fight. because you survive. which is all it takes. just survive. life is good. love is good. everything changes.