lack of anything

i'm feeling a lacking of everything. most of all hope.

my hope has taken a nose dive this week. today being the worst of it all. life sucks sometimes.

imagine the worst, most demoralizing job you could every apply for. then go in for an interview, thinking "how could they NOT call me back." i mean the chick in front of me came in wearing sweats for gods sake. so all day today i kept my phone by me waiting on a sure phone call from a job i absolutely can't believe i even lowered myself to apply for. and it didn't come. needless to say, i made quite a strong drink and cried.

i'm so sick of this stupid game. i've applied for over 40 jobs. i've had three potentials come out of it. one was a scam i fell for somehow and ended up canceling mark's debit card over it. gave them my social and everything else though. i'm a fucking idiot sometimes. i'm 26 not 80 and naive about computer shit. the other fizzled out into nothing. and the last one required i work holidays and that's just not happening. i guess at some point beggars can't be choosers but dammit.

i feel like i'm letting my family down by not working. our kids deserve a fabulous christmas, and our credit cards deserve a fucking break. i do my best to be a mom, to run this crazy home, to cook, clean, to love. but sometimes i just feel so inadequate. what a low day for me.

but i carry on. because i'm thankful for my best friend and lover, for my kids, for my home, my life. and no matter how scary bills get, and no matter how many shitty ass jobs don't call me back, i have 6 crazy and amazing reasons to smile about. maybe 7 if you count bronx.

i do it for him. and her. and her. and him. and him.

miracle not so much

they took away my manic drug. now i'm just on the "miracle" drug. i feel flat. flat as shit. plus, i'm in the process of getting a job that will start before the month is over.

oh hello black hole of life.

manic

what's it like to be manic every.single.day?!

it's like perfectly scrubbed baseboards
sparkling showers, kitchen, toilets
tens of projects littering the garage
90 mile an hour stories and gibberish
being so anxious i can't sit
feeling antisocial to the point of bailing each time
tears because i'm torn between projects
and so so much more.

is being manic every day better than being severely depressed every day?! i'm still not sure....

gushy

my love,

in the past week i have;

1. spent 5 hours on the biggest love letter of all time in the form of a giant canvas to hang on our wall
2. drug said canvas to the backyard and thrown it over the fence over a stupid wine-induced-emotional-rage
3. thrown a crying fit and left the house in the broken down impala only to sit in a parking lot a block from our house crying for 20 minutes before coming home looking for a hug 

in the past week you have;

1. read the canvas, in it's crazy entirety, the second you and i were alone in our room
2. fished said canvas from behind the back fence, stashed it in the playroom for safe keeping, and accepted me in the morning and my stupid apology
3. opened the door for me with open arms, not allowing me to be such an emotional wreck and ruin our night

i don't care how crazy this makes me sound, because you are the balance to my crazy. you are the rock to my crazy. you somehow deal with me and love me. it will probably take my entire life, but i WILL return it all to you. every ounce of love, every teeth clenching, gut wrenching moment you've endured for me. thank you, my darling, for being my foundation, the only thing familiar to me when i'm lost, the only light i feel when i can't open my eyes, the only life i've ever ever ever wanted. ILYSFUCKINGM.
 
i never thought
that you would be the one to hold my heart
but you came around
and you knocked me off the ground from the start
you put your arms around me and i'm home

so far so good....not the best but by far not the worst. i'm managing the house again, hugging kids again, smiling and laughing again...thank god. or clouds. or trees. or whatever. i feel like my friendships here are growing stronger which is something i've been waiting for a very long time to happen. i'm applying for nursing school. i'm launching a facebook page selling some of the shit i make on a daily basis. maybe i can try to make up the difference for all the purchases? that's how i explain it to mark anyway ;) speaking of...he's amazing. he's been sick for over a week, but has faithfully stood by my side. i've been doing so well but last night was difficult and he just held me and let me cry for no reason. he's pretty much the best thing to have EVER stumbled into my life. i love that man like crazy. i don't have much to say tonight, just felt the need for an update. life is good. it's up. it's down. it's fucking crazy. but it's good. and i love this life i have.

wine and me time now.

last week at its best

last week was by far the worst week in the history of our relationship. since starting a new med and reducing the one i've been on for years, i've been slightly unstable. last week i was so down for 4 days straight. i couldn't get out of bed, and if i did i snapped on kids, cried nonstop, and didn't leave the house. i didn't shower, or change clothes, or get off the couch or out of bed. i can't even tell you how many times i broke down in tears over nothing.

the kids were miserable and so was mark who had to work a lot. the girls kept asking what was wrong and if i was mad at them. eventually they just told me to 'feel better' on a regular basis. i put aidan to bed one night and he broke down sobbing and said to me, "i'm sorry i've been such a bad boy and have made you so sad". i broke down too and assured him it wasn't him. i felt so terrible for the way i treated them, but i couldn't control myself. usually on my bad days i can be strong and fight it. not last week. i literally couldn't function.

then, on the fifth day, i woke up feeling invincible. i hopped out of bed, made coffee, sent kids off to school, and by 8:30 i was jamming to my music turned all the way up and started cleaning all the ceiling fans. then i scrubbed baseboards and painted them. then i took off two doors and 4 doorknobs and painted them. i wrote silly notes to the kids, and greeted them happily when they came home. when mark got home at 5 exhausted from the day, i wore him out talking 90 miles an hour until dinner time.

we sat down to eat and i started feeling angry. uncontrollable anger. i wanted to scream at everyone and tell them to shut the hell up. i wanted to go outside and smoke a pack of cigarettes. i wanted to pick a fight. i ended up with a panic attack, and feeling suicidal. the night ended with me in tears to the point of physical pain in mark's arms.

the next day i was back to feeling miserable. mark begged me to call the doctor. he had been asking me to do it for days, but i had an appointment on friday (today) and figured all they'd tell me to do is wait until i came in. but i called. the doctor told me to come in and pick up a sample of abilify, explaining that it was quick acting, and would act as a bridge until these new meds even out. i drove downtown right then and took it on the way home.

within 48 hours i felt better. driving to the gym on thursday morning, i told mark "i actually feel a little better today, but really don't want to jinx it". that afternoon i was tolerant of kids, we had a pleasant dinner, and a good family time. after the kids were in bed, mark praised me over and over thanking me profusely for how well the day went. i can only imagine the relief he felt.

today was my appointment. i met with the actual psychiatrist. i told him about my week. he listened and asked me several questions. i felt like he truly cared, which was something i wasn't expecting out of a guy who is one of a few in his specialty. he told me to cold turkey quit the prozac, doubled my dose of lamictal, and gave me almost a thousand, yes a thousand, dollars of samples of abilify. he said that hopefully the abilify would be temporary. out of pocket, it's $450 for a months worth of the lowest dose.

i walked out feeling unbelievably thankful and blessed. not in the thank-you-god blessed, because god had nothing to do with this. science and technology are to thank. and the generosity of my parents. mark and i went into downtown nashville and found a patio to sit on for lunch. we people watched, and enjoyed the PERFECT weather. today was GOOD. i am hopeful.

and kudos to mark, who has dutifully put up with this bullshit. he's never dealt with anyone with a mental disorder. he's a champ. thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin, i owe you everything. i love you. 

day 25

today is day 25 of the new medication. i was doing really well for the first 14 days, but these last 11 have really hurt. i really need this shit to even out. my moods and feelings are all over the place and it's wearing on me. i miss my parents. i miss my friends. i'm sick of crying. stupid stupid stupid.

think education is expensive? try ignorance.

When they threw God out of the schools because of one atheist woman that is when the schools across this great country started on their road to hell. Since when does a minority speak for the majority? Time for the majority to start making God the reason for this country and too bad for those minorities that don't believe in God. I believe to listen to the minority and see if what they say has merit and the majority and can benefit from it but if the majority can't benefit from it then the minority will just have to change or abide by what the majority decides. If they don't like it try another country to live in and try the same crap over there.

--some ignorant bastard commenting on one of my friends' facebook post

 

are you fucking serious?! so we (as in atheists) have no rights? we should move to another country?! how insanely ignorant and insulting. it makes me so angry with the whole christian community (in general) when i think of how blinded they can be. we're all american citizens, we all have the same rights, so please tell me again why, living in this free country, my children should be subjected to prayer in schools, and not being taught evolution? why can't we leave religion out of our public schools? separation of church and state anyone? 

 

i am raising all five of my children to be free thinkers. to question, to educate themselves, and decide what they believe and why. so how unfair is it to me as a parent and them as growing, developing young souls, to go to school and have to be a part of a team prayer before games, or only be taught selective things in science class? according to dumbass up there we should just move out of the country. 

 

how about teaching in schools what science has proven, things we can back by solid evidence. if you're so sure of your religion, why should it bother you that we want to teach our children basic, scientific information? then allow them to have their own opinions about religion? 

 

i promise you, if any of the five of my children come to me and ask to go to church, come out as homosexual, or choose any religion, no matter how bizarre, if they come to me knowing in their hearts why they have chosen it, i will embrace them and support them a thousand percent. 

 

what were those treasured fruits of the spirit i had memorized in grade school?  mine are the same. as a human race, i think we all strive for these traits. they are not purely for christians.   

 

love. love for my family.

joy. joy even when life is dreary.

peace. breathe. love. joy. peace.

patience. when the kids just.won't.chill.out. patience for the passage of time.

kindness. random acts every.single.day. is my goal. friends, strangers, and family alike.

goodness. good-ness.

faithfulness. faithfulness to my partner. faithfulness to my family. faithfulness to my dreams, my hopes, and my beliefs.

gentleness. to be gentle to those around me, because we can never fully understand the hardship of another person's life.

self control. for the benefit of my family, for the benefit of myself, because impatience and greed will only harm your family, finances, and life.

what are we missing as a society that we cannot share these traits, and be unified in that?

sigh. this world is full of crazy. i love this free country we live in, and it's because of the freedom of speech, and freedom of religion, that dumbass up there can say things like that, and i can blog posts like this without worrying about my head being chopped off or anything like that. 

love.joy.peace.

anticipating the long awaited

my appointment is tomorrow morning at 11. i'm nervous, but oh so excited. not sure how i will fit 10 years worth of shit into one short appointment that i've waited 60 days for...should i go in with my bullet list of the past 10 years? should i just wing it and see what they ask? i have a list of meds that didn't work, and mostly just screwed with me.

mark has to work, so i'm on my own. but i know he, and my parents, will be thinking of me and are supporting me a thousand percent.

please please please give me some answers. 

unmedicated

welcome to my life. the life of a bipolar, crazy, unmedicated woman. the blog is public again because i've vowed to attempt to keep my bitter rantings out of it. that's not why i created this blog. ((don't worry, i saved all of your email addresses for when i decide to recoil and make it private again...)) ya never know.

i've been off my meds completely for 2 weeks now. lemme tell ya, it's not a pretty thing. i have an appointment with an md/psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders. i've been on the waiting list for 2 months now, and they called the other day to push it back another 10 days. august 10th. d-day. i am going in armed with 8 years' worth of medications, treatments, and other failed methods (aka church, prayer, etc). mark and the kids couldn't be more ready for this change. ((no the kids don't know about my doctor visit, medications, or gory details of my disease)) they're ready, they just don't know how ready they are. mark is ready and DOES know how ready he is. poor bastard deserves a trophy at this rate. or maybe just a 'normal' partner. yeah. that would probably be best.

i have only my parents' support and love to thank for this amazing opportunity. as i filter through the issues in my past i've had with them, as angry as i may get, i always break down in mark's arms begging for my parents. i miss them and they truly are so dear to my heart. they are me. i am them. i miss them. i love them deeply. if i keep writing about them, i'll cry. and i swore i wouldn't cry tonight.

so what's it like being off medication? oh you know. piece of cake. i don't get out of bed before noon, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours at a time, the kids run out of milk for their cereal, i cry while begging my son to just.leave.me.alone. i resist the urge to find that long lost razor blade, just to prove i'm alive and that i can feel. i focus on how dusty the house is, or how dirty the curtains are, or how empty the walls are and busy myself cleaning, projecting, and crafting.

i make a strong drink when i'm ready for sleep, because if i don't, i won't. my brain spins all day and night. why am i here? what good am i? why is this the hand i've been dealt? why can't i just grab the kids and love on them like i want? why can't i get out of bed? why can't i just feel something? anything? besides guilt, anger, and hatred for myself. i'm spunky! i'm fun! i'm cheerful...for fucks sake my name means 'cheerful hope'! and i so am. i SO am. it's in there, but i can't get it out. it burns through me. i sit there staring at my messy pile of shoes and clothes on my side of the closet while i hold one of mark's worn shirts, sobbing into it just waiting to feel normal. to feel different. 'cry it out' is not something i can do anymore, not unmedicated.

this is my life. this is me. all i can do is embrace it. fight it. fix it. this is my cancer, my sickness. this is mine to deal with in this life. not mark's, not my five kids' issue. mine. a weaker person would have crumbled by now, right?

oh but i feel so weak. i'm getting through my days minute by minute. sometimes, second by second. but i claw through them. because i'm stubborn. because this damned thing is not going to take me over. because i'm better, stronger, and way fucking more awesome than this.

this internal struggle is absolutely exhausting. some days i don't come out as on top as i'd hoped, but i haven't given up yet. and i won't. i'm so close. maybe one day this will be a blessing. i know myself internally more intimately than i ever knew someone could. that sounds weird. but everything i do is so spontaneously calculated. so randomly explained. to me. i know me. more than anyone ever ever will. when i have mood snaps, i know why. i know what caused it. i know how to counter it. i just don't know how to make others understand it. i don't always have the strength to control it, but i know it.

i truly love my life. i just can't wait to fully live this life that i love. and to show the people closest to me just how amazing it all is. soon, soon.

this is my therapy. thank you all for the love and support.

love love love.

birthday boy

the absolute love of my life turns 41 tomorrow. i couldn't be more thankful for his entrance (and survival) in this world. he finally found me, and i him, two years ago tomorrow. if i'd only have known...

i knew it was our last night in florida. i put on my yellow and white plaid sun dress. i had painstakingly straightened my hair, but no amount of heat or product could beat the humidity that night. so i gave up and put it into a pony. i drank wine straight out of the bottle, brown bag and all, just to prove how classy i was. lauren and i had brought papa johns for all the guys, and ate it in the laundry room of the marina. after we ate, we all wandered around the dock, some were on the broken down boat choosing play lists and shooting the shit. some were standing on the dock talking to neighboring vacationers. mark and i found our way to the end of the dock and i wrapped my arm around the post just so i had something to hold onto. it wasn't the wine i needed steadying from, it was the electrifying tension between us.

i blurted out basically my life story...something i rarely do so easily. i delved into the darkest corners and fondest memories. he watched me talk like nobody ever had, he asked questions and i could see how genuine his interest and concern was for me. it was beyond refreshing. he shared his very personal, present day, problems. he was struggling so much with the choice between stability and his happiness, and told me the details of the past three years for him and his kids. we talked for hours. i was absolutely awestruck by this man who looked at me so intensely, who made me feel something so deep; not only emotionally, but physically, who never took his precious green eyes off me.

i finished my wine bottle, then whispered a line from my favorite movie into it, corked it, and threw it over the edge of the dock. the next morning we were parting ways. him back to his life, me back to mine. we never planned or expected to see each other again. as we were driving away, my heart hurt. it physically ached. it was so wrong. he says to him it felt like a dark cloud followed them all the way back, and he had to fight the urge to ask his friend to turn the truck around, to go back. our hearts knew way before we did.

and he hasn't left my mind for a minute since then.

happy birthday, my darling. happy birthday to the man who has picked me up so many times, who has carried, supported, held, and loved me with all he has for the past two years. to the man to whom my heart, soul, and body belong. to the man who melts me. to the man who fathers our children so brilliantly. to the man who will own me as long as i'm breathing.

to you, baby. happy birthday. i love you more than you'll ever comprehend, and more than i'll ever be able to express with my measly words.

"this is the end. the end of life as i know it."

I LOVE YOU

lonely side of love

i've decided to, once again, make this blog private. i will continue to write about what i feel, raw, uncensored, freely. i'm working to repair some very important relationships, and this blog seems to be hindering them. gotta love chitter chatter, gossip, and judgement. it makes the world go 'round, i suppose.

want to continue reading? email me here and let me know.

unlike before, i welcome family and friends alike. (and for those of you creeper facebook friends that read and are embarrassed to ask, don't be...i'm just as nosy as the next person :) i simply need to close it down from the 'public' eye.

thank you for the ever constant support you provide. this blog has been better than $100 an hour therapy in so many ways.

it will go private tomorrow night (5/30) by midnight.

love.

apology

well i need to apologize.
apologize for turning my anger into an attack. i will not apologize for how i feel, because i believe it's fully validated. and i won't take down my post, because it's the rawest of emotions, and a very large part of me. when i get as angry as i got last night, i immediately throw up walls and go up in arms, preparing to fend off any one or any thing that attempts to approach me. it's not fair for me to attack anyone, no matter how i feel.

fuckery

guess who didn't call oliver on his fifth birthday?! his dad. shocker. what a miserable excuse for a parent. you're a terrible, horrible, no good, excuse for a "father" to my child. i thank god every day they have a real father in their lives.

also, i just love conversations about my parents' third grandchild. makes me relive those oh-so-happy days of my two pregnancies, where i was nothing less than shunned. i fondly recalled my ob-gyn appointments back in 2005. alone, scared, and when i asked if anyone cared to know the sex...what wonderful times. even better when i was dropped off at the medicaid office being told "good luck"...even better. god i wish i'd had a legitimate child. oh well.

i have my live in boyfriend, his three children (whose mother died of cancer, leaving me their mother for all intensive purposes) to take care of. oh and my one super illegitimate child, and other semi illegitimate child to care for. and the dog we paid way too much for. oh and the chains and whips we keep under our bed. and the upside down cross in the living room we gather around every saturday night.

fuck it. i'll just head to church and repent and give 10% of my child support check (should i receive it) each week to the church. then, i'll pray. and everything will be magical. and i will be loved and accepted by my wonderful christian family. and we'll laugh and play board games.

or...i could work my ass off at being the best mother, partner, and friend i can be. put every penny of my measly child support check (should i receive it) into buying and preparing food for my family of 5 growing kids, spend 100 hours a week without my partner while he works two jobs to support the seven of us, and spend it teaching our children fun games in the yard or tricks to cleaning the house or buying them slushies at sonic that they later spill everywhere. i tucked them into bed, tickling each one and making each one laugh and giggle before kissing them goodnight. and i'm fucking satisfied. i have done my best, a damned good job today. i'm glad i didn't waste 4 good hours of my sunday at church pretending to be amazing. i love my little dysfunctional and ever insane family. i do not regret a single second of my life with them. i do not regret (as painful as it is) losing an entire family over a religion and life choice. i am strong, i am a good person, i am an amazing mother. i'd be more than happy to show you my favorite finger if you think otherwise.

this is not a feel-sorry-for-little-ol-me post. this is a fuck-you-i'm-stronger-than-you-think posts.

so, fuck you.

life and love

crazy is what they all said
craziness lives in my head
crazy lies in my bed
worry, worrying about everything
worry it makes me insane
so much it drives me away
lonely, loneliness follows me around
loneliness drags me down
still lonely with others around

we went to dinner last night with some of mark's friends. i couldn't help but look around the table, taking in their conversation, wishing i was as educated, as grounded as they all seemed to be. one has a marriage falling at his feet, yet he still seemed to be more rooted than i felt. the others collectively are RNs, paramedics, working for lifeflight, firefighters, EMTs, graduates with four year degrees...maybe my dad was right. you can't make it without college. education. certifications. i'm getting a full time job in august to help support my family. my options are so very limited, and so "entry-level-minimum-wage-terrible-jobs-i-don't-want". i could go back to school and do anything, yes. but that's another year after another year of no salary...just adding debt.

my dream job? to stay home and create. write a book. decorate rooms. cook fabulous meals. attempt this "super mom" thing. being a grown up and facing real life is a bitch. why couldn't i wait to grow up again?! i watch our kids with their saturdays filled with pools, friends, sleeping in, ps3 wars, parks, and being served every meal three times a day. i remember those days. those saturdays i spent in my room making neckalces for my friends, attempting crazy hairstyles, experimenting with makeup, just wishing to be older. a grownup. i was so damn blind. i can only hope to reach through to these kids that they have it made right now and should just soak it up. (even if it makes more work for me)

but wishing things had been different in the past accomplishes nothing. plus, if everything went the way i thought it would go when i was that 13 year old dreaming in my room, i'd never have my two boys. i'd have never met mark and been able to be a mother to his three children. i'd have never found this wonderful, fun, spontaneous, crazy life i have with the love i always dreamed of, the five crazy kids i always wanted, and the big dumb great dane i never knew i wanted. how perfect and wonderful is my life. no matter how high my blood pressure gets while paying bills, no matter how much dread i feel in knowing this is my last summer as a stay at home mother (aka unemployed), none of it matters when i step back and look at it all. my beautiful home, my more than willing boyfriend working two jobs for us, my sweet kids that let me sleep in on saturdays and cuddle me at night, my sweet big pup that likes to sleep with me on nights mark is gone, my big glass of wine that affords me a few hours of sleep every night...everything.

i struggle, i cry, i have bad days, i pout, i long for my family, i miss my daddy, i get pissy with kids, i smack the dog, i drag my feet with chores, i go back to bed once the kids are gone, i skip showers....

but i also; pretend to sing, sneak up the stairs to listen to our precious children giggling, cuddle with my puppy at night, walk into the kids rooms while they're at school just to smell them, get out of bed, and run this insane house of 8 every day.

mark working two jobs is so hard for me, but it's also inspiring. he is working so so so hard for us. tonight his shift is from 7pm-7am, then he works at the fire department from 7am-7am. what an amazing man to pull a 36 hour shift for his family with no sleep. so what will i do tomorrow? laundry. dishes. gym. dog training. lunch making. kid bathing. make dinner. watch shows with kids. kiss them all, tuck them in, and thank this life that i'm such a lucky girl.

trying to be positive. trying trying trying. as i sob into my wine.

missing desperately, absolutely desperately; my lover, my best friend. and holding up the fort, being strong for him, for this crazy family.

 i do, i truly do, love my life. it's just so hard.

preoccupied update

last weekend went so much better than i expected. our date night was fabulous. we spent it on the patio of our favorite mexican restaurant with 3 or 4 pitchers of margaritas, people judging watching, laughs, and plenty of flirtatious giggles. we came home and thoroughly enjoyed our quiet and empty home. then made it not so quiet. we ended up staying up most of the night, then got to sleep in a little before headed to his parents' for brunch and coffee. the cinco de mayo neighborhood party was a blast, and we loved getting to meet new friends. plus, get togethers like that remind me how thankful i am for our kiddos. they're such well behaved and sweet little humans. i don't miss the screaming toddler stage.

mark started his second job on monday. he has clocked 106 hours so far this week between the two. needless to say, i fucking miss him. on the same hand, i'm so so so thankful for his willingness and ability to work. he has always been such a hard worker. i have no intentions of running him into the ground with it all as previous situations have, instead i am inspired to be better every minute. it's because of him i don't have to work at some job i hate. it's because of his trust and love that he has put me in charge of our home, our kids, and our finances.

i won't lie, it's an art form to get our bills paid and checkbook balanced every month, but this new job will really give us some much needed breathing room for the summer. we can go on vacation, enjoy ourselves, and spoil the kids. then in august i'm getting a full time job. growing up sucks. but i've got to do it. poor mark is driving my piece of shit car (wait, i'm sorry, HIS piece-of-shit-car-that-i-signed-over-to-him-for-the-firefighter-tags-that-get-us-out-of-having-to-get-it-inspected) that is bound to blow up any day now, while i get to drive his pretty, shiny, new, tahoe.

what a wonderful man he is. what a lucky gal i am.

there's a comfort in the rain only lovers know...
...give me your forever...please your forever...not a day less will do...from you...
what a coincidence this song is playing as i write this. talk about tears running down my face as fast as i can get the words out...god this man owns my heart.

***********

my sleep hasn't improved. at all. dream after dream after nightmare after nightmare. always so vivid, i would love to capture them in video to show the world how fucked up my brain is. it's so creatively brilliant but so hideous at the same time. sometimes i think if i could just sleep right, sleep well, through the night, that half my internal struggle would be ended. i don't remember my last "black" sleep. not sure if i've even experienced that ever. as far back as i can remember, it's been light sleep filled with vivid and terrifying dreams. i've never done a sleep study, i'd be interested to see how much i'm 'awake' during the night.

yesterday and today i've been productive (by my standards) and it's been amazing. well today, i did go back to bed until 10, but that's better than noon, right? mark has been working every minute, so i've had so much more 'home' responsibilities put on me (ones that i should have always carried, probably, but didn't). it gives me a feeling of accomplishment that i rarely feel, to know i went grocery shopping, got the laundry done, and the house cleaned all in one day. that's like a week's worth of shit right there. my poor OCD lover doesn't appreciate my side of the closet, or the spot of tile in our bathroom that houses my dirty clothes of the day. but i've washed sheets, the puppy, kitchen floors, made lunches, and successfully put on dinner for 6 night after night. which sounds minimal, but it's so huge for me.

i'm always so tired. so unmotivated. but to see him working so fucking hard for this family makes me force myself (more easily than i thought) to put in effort to pick up his slack (which isn't slack...it's him picking up my slack..). somehow, at the end of each day, it's all done. the kids are all fed, clothed, clean, and happy. we may be exhausted mentally and physically, but it's worth it for the nights when all 7 of us get to cuddle on the couch while each baby fights for prime real estate next to us, the pup asleep on the end of the couch, and we try to keep our eyes open so the kids can drill us with questions. that's what it's all about.

i'm exhausted. i want to cry, laugh, scream, sleep, and dance all at once.

i love my life. fucked up as it may be sometimes. i love it.

what i wouldn't give...

what i wouldn't give just to forget
what i wouldn't give to get some rest
so i can remember how to live again
i just wanna live again
-holly brook

woke up this morning unsure of my ability to survive the day. i scurried the kids off to school and asked boy child three to go upstairs and watch some tv for awhile. he asked if it was because i had a headache, i said yes. he hugged my neck and told me to feel better and disappeared up the stairs. this isn't my first 'headache', not by far. so i crawled back into bed, pulling all the pillows up over my head, and fell asleep with tears running down my face.

i tossed and turned with the ever vivid dreams of torture, doom, and impossible situations that push me to my emotional and physical limits. i woke up sweating and tense over and over. i finally dragged myself out of bed at noon.

i could go on and tell how the rest of the day went, but i'm sure you can pretty much assume. i hate this fight, this battle that exists inside me every second. my kids need me, my lover needs me. my house, my yard, and my responsibilities need me. i've got to push past it. but i'm so exhausted.

today sucked.

i have been looking forward to this weekend all week, but now i'm afraid i'll ruin it all. mark's mom has offered to take the kids tomorrow so we can have a night alone, especially since he starts a new job on monday. i've never not needed a date night. then saturday we get to sleep in, go get the kids, and enjoy our annual neighborhood block party/cinco de mayo celebration saturday night. i just hope i can muster the strength to pull myself out of this pit by tomorrow. i feel like my feet are trapped in sand, like i'm carrying a pack of bricks on my back, like i could sleep for a week, but my head won't stop spinning. thinking. obsessing. guilting. being filled with anger.

oh what i wouldn't give to just forget.
to get some rest.
to be fucking normal.

endlessly

today started out as a bad day.

mark was up at 5:15 getting ready for work, and out the door by 6:30. he came in to say goodbye to me and i was laying there awake. he knew something was wrong and asked if i was having a bad day, to which i shrugged. he sighed a heavy and long sigh and went to work. i sent him a text at 7:06 that read, 'i can't get out of bed'. i layed there, mind racing, body rested and ready for the day, but mentally unwilling to move.

i forced my mind to allow my body to move and sloppily rolled out of bed, pulled on the shirt and boxers mark had worn the night before. it gives me such comfort to smell him so close to me. i greeted the kids and bronx then flopped on the couch and pulled the blanket up to my eyes. girl child two asked if i had a headache, to which i simply shook my head yes. boy child three brought me a hot cup of coffee and snuggled up next to me with his mis-matched pj's and goofy spongebob slippers. i fed the boys breakfast and shooed them upstairs to play until school.

i blankly stared at the morning news, not absorbing a word of it. i sipped my coffee and kept checking my phone to see how many minutes until i could send the three school going kids outside to wait for the bus. i called them down, hugged and kissed them, and sent them out. i sent the boy in spongebob slippers upstairs to watch netflix and told him i'd be napping if he needed me. i put the pup in his kennel next to my bed and had the big puffy white comforter up over my head by the time the bus pulled up to our house.

i let my mind wander and spin until i dozed off. i dreamt my usual vivid and bizarre dreams. no bad dreams this morning, just dreams of finding money unexpectedly. i usually dream of proposals, and carefree, quiet, precious time with my lover. it's either that or demons, blood thirsty murderers ready to slice my body, being separated from my kids, drowning in deep murky water, or rape and humiliation. i understand why i have the good ones, because those truly are my dreams. the bad ones are just torments from my blessing of a cursed creative mind that always has a dark undertone.

my body and mind passed in and out of sleep while i listened to the same song on repeat. this week it's endlessly by green river ordinance. i've never been so enamoured with another human being. i love him with every cell in my body and every ounce of my heart. he is the days i can't get over, he is the nights that i call home, endlessly, for him i'll always wait.

i got up around 11 and headed outside to look at my flowers. they're blooming so beautifully and i absolutely love watching my yard come to life day by day. i got dressed, and got out of the house. before i knew it, kids were coming home from school and i had a million things to do before dinner. i managed to get them all done, and settled down with my girls to watch how to lose a guy in 10 days with a glass of wine and my projects laid all over the floor, and had to blink a few times to remember that this dream of a life is mine. how lucky am i?! i got everyone cuddled in bed and can't wait to do the same.

today was a victory. it started at 7:06am with my desperate text expressing the darkness of my state of mind, it started with me looking down the barrel of a tuesday with mark at work and several tasks to fulfill. for a second or two i wondered if i'd make it. it's now 9:50pm, and i've had a good day. i've managed to turn it around. i'm mentally exhausted from going round and round with myself, i'm physically exhausted from forced activity, but i'm smiling. i'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. and that's all that matters. living with this disease is crippling and an absolute battle daily, but i still come out swinging. i love my family, i love my life.

love.
love.
love.

post script

i should have tacked this on at the end of last night's post. just wanted to add that while i was very hurt by my parents' actions (or lack there of) in this situation, they are human just like the rest of us and handled it in the way they thought was best for everyone involved. they've made mistakes by me, but at the same time they have done a million things right. i love them very much and have let it go. they are making big steps in accepting me and my "new" life. i applaud, admire and love them always.

farewell, so long

saturday june 12, 2004 i was raped.

me: braces, black tank top, jean shorts, curly unruly hair. virgin. 17.
him: grey t-shirt, khaki shorts, skinny. predator. 26.

his parents threw a baby shower for me in july of 1986. he's in the videos. his parents and mine were close friends. he attended acu (the university where my dad is a professor), and graduated in may of 2004. for those years he was in school, my mother and i would bake cookies every midterm and finals week then hand deliver them to a select few on campus, him being our last stop. his visits always took the longest. he was funny, sweet, full of stories, and i may have had a small 'big brother' crush on him. my parents invited him to sunday lunch after church a few times a semester. i always looked forward to it, because he would come in and play our piano with a talent i'd never seen. he bought me the brand new avril lavigne cd that was coming out because he saw all the posters of her i had in my room. plus, he had the funniest stories of life i'd ever heard. he had girlfriends off and on and was engaged for a year or so of his school time.

at his graduation in may, i dressed as cute as possible for the party at spaghetti warehouse in the mall of abilene later that day. i went to his table and gave him a hug and he slipped me a receipt with his number and email address on it, telling me to stay in touch. i emailed him a few days later, just asking how life in dallas was and how he was doing. we emailed back and forth a few times, and he told me he was coming to abilene to see friends in june and that i should come see him. i happily agreed.

june 12th. i took my SATs that day at the acu campus. once i was done, i was headed to my best friend's house for the weekend. i asked her to drop me by his room at the comfort inn, (where my wedding guests would later stay) and that i would call her when i needed to be picked up. with me i took a photo album of my best friends and my yearbook. i wanted to show him my friends and world. i was excited to see him, the cute older brother i'd never had, but had been in my life since i knew it.

little did i know, he'd made other plans. he had brought with him lingerie, a condom on a lollipop stick, tealight candles for the tub, and a few 'toys'. when he brought out the lingerie suggesting i put it on, my heart flipped. i knew this was wrong. i knew i had to leave. but i couldn't. he didn't use any weapons, but made it clear i could not leave. it took years of therapy to accept the fact that i did all i could. because i could have fought harder, but couldn't. just because i couldn't. because he told me i couldn't go. so i didn't. i called my friend to tell her he'd take me home that night, no big deal.

he raped me at 4:17pm. he ordered pizza for us around 6. forced me into a bath with him around 8. took me home the next morning, dropped me off in the alley behind my house while my parents were at church, around 9am. 17 hours of absolute disgrace and violation.

i told no one, besides my thankfully ex-husband, until 2007. that's when i started seeking counseling for it. i so wanted to tell my parents. it took months of prep for me to tell them. and i regret it. they did the absolute opposite of what i expected. they came to his defense. my dad met him, his father, and an elder in a dallas starbucks one sunday afternoon. i never got to hear what was said, except the fact that he said it was consensual. they never spoke of it again. my mother, months later, even told me about a run in they had with his family and how changed he was.

i promise you if any one of these 5 kids comes to me with a story like that, the motherfucker better be hiding in a ditch because that is not tolerable in any form, and i will protect them at all costs. i will bear my teeth and throw myself over them any day. it was almost as painful as the rape itself, as to how my parents responded to it. it reopened so many wounds and hurts, i felt so abandoned.

i took a bath last december for the first time since then. 7 and a half years later. i did it alone, because it was something i needed to conquer on my own. mark was at work. i filled my wine glass, filled the tub, and stepped in. i felt nauseous and couldn't even force myself to sit in it. i drained it, sucked down my wine, cried, and tried again. so determined to not let him control me anymore. i filled my glass again, filled my tub again, got in, and eventually ended up laying down in there for an hour. i took pictures to celebrate my victory and felt absolutely liberated.

if that bastard ever sets foot in my sights again, i swear to you i'll knee him in his tiny little balls so hard he'll never walk right again. but if he doesn't, i'm going on. happy. not letting that experience hamper my sexual or intimate relationship with mark ever again. i'll go on, knowing i did nothing wrong, knowing i can sleep at night, and hoping he can't. and i will forever hold up my middle finger to him, hoping he goes and fucks himself. because he's the one who took my innocence from me. i never gave it to him, he took it. but i'm stronger for it. i'm free of it.

finally.

how can you say that your truth is better than ours?

one of the questions i've been asked recently is this, "the children are too young for atheist views..." this coming from someone who hasn't spent a day in our home with our children seeing how we parent. if that's the case, can i pose this question? are they too young for christian views? easily enough for them, christianity is taught to young children through stories from the old testament (aka really old and worn out fairy tales), so children undoubtedly grasp onto these stories and then tend to fall in line with the rest of them until somewhere around high school. then, they start to ask questions and doubt the validity of this thing, this book, this "god" who has somehow become what their lives have been all about (and what every action, word, and thought should be about..), but whom they have never seen, heard, or felt. noah's ark? really? i'd like to introduce the rickey gervais' version of noah's ark...

he's brilliant.

ok so back to the point of how we're raising our kids. pretty sure you can all guess how i was raised. everything was church, god, fear, jesus, foofoo, or some shit. that's a whole other story. one my therapist knows quite well. mark was raised in an indifferent home. his parents believed in god, but never pushed church on him. my thankfully ex-husband was raised in a christian home, just not quite as stringent as mine. he didn't have a personal preference as to how we raised the kids, either. i was the driving force to go to church the 4 years we were married. plus, given his lack of interest in the bringing up of his children, and the custody order that gives me the full benefit of raising them in whatever religious/non-religious way i like, i march ahead with what i think is best for the kids. mark's late wife believed in god, and attended church from time to time, but felt that it wasn't a necessary thing to participate in weekly. to her, it was more of a supportive and social network of friends. (MOPS groups, etc)

so we meet in the middle. we're raising our kids to be free thinkers.

Freethought is a philosophical viewpoint that holds opinions should be formed on the basis of science, logic, and reason, and should not be influenced by authority, tradition, or other dogmas. thanks wikipedia.

oliver is currently in a mother's day out program at a baptist church, the same one jake went to for 2 years. he comes home with all sorts of biblical coloring pages. our response every time is, "great job coloring oliver!" and when he came home with all his easter memorabilia, and his stories of jesus' resurrection, my response was, "that's what some people believe. other people don't. and it's ok either way!"

we don't go to church, we don't pray, we don't read bible stories at night. we also don't hold seances, devil worship, or dress up in devil suits and chase the kids around with pitchforks. we do, however, expect our children to respect others, tell the truth, honor authority figures, use manners, be humble, and to be grateful for everything they have been afforded in this life. when it comes to issues of the world, such as love, loss, hurt, and unfairness, we teach them reality. love is hard. loss is painful. hurt is a reality. unfairness is everywhere. in that, we teach them to love carefully, process loss, manage hurt, and accept unfairness. we are trying to prepare them for this world. we also show them how amazing life can be. these kids have collectively lost three significant parents in their lives. they'll never forget any of those special people in their lives. we threw them into this crazy, busy, loud family of 7, with our relationship just as young and new as theirs. and guess what?! they're happy. life is fun, sunshine is good, growing up is hard. at the end of the day, though, this is our family. we stand together.

we don't talk religion to the kids, we take an indifferent approach for now. if any of them were to decide to start going to church, we'd be more than happy to take them every sunday. if they are curious about our views, we'll tell them without hesitation. just out of curiosity as to where they all stood in their young little lives, i took a little survey this morning. i asked each one independently and reassured them there was no pressure, no big deal. here's how it turned out.

girl child one (12 ((one week from today anyway)) )

• do you believe in god?
• no
• why?
• i don't know
• what happens when you die?
• you go to heaven. well, only the good people.
• are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
• yes and yes
• why?
• because i know that's the right thing to do

girl child two (9)

• do you believe in god?
• sort of, no. like 80 percent no.
• why?
• because sometimes i wish for stuff and it does happen, but sometimes i wish for stuff and it doesn't happen
• what happens to you when you die?
• you go to heaven
• who decides that?
• the people at the funeral
• are you nice to others? do you listen and obey adults?
• yes, of course
• why?
• because it's the kind thing to do

boy child one (6)

• do you believe in god?
• yes
• why?
• i don't know
• what happens when you die?
• you go to a grave and then to heaven if you're good
• are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
• i try to, i try to
• why?
• because i just want to be a good person and be good

boy child two (6)

• do you believe in god?
• yes
• why?
• because then people wouldn't be made
• what happens to you when you die?
• you get buried
• do you think that after you're buried you go to heaven?
• no, you're just buried and they give you flowers
• are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
• yes, yes
• why?
• i just know what's good and bad

boy child three (4)

• do you believe in god?
• yes
• why?
• because the bible says he's real
• what happens to you when you die?
• you go to heaven
• everyone goes to heaven?
• yes, everyone, even the bad guys
• are you nice to others? do you listen and obey adults?
• yes, yes
• why?
• because i want to be nice to friends so i don't get in trouble

mark (40)

• do you believe in god?
• no
• why?
• i've seen a lot of bad things around the world and on this job, and no one, no "god", would allow some (if not ANY) of those things to happen
• what to you believe happens to you when you die?
• death to me is life before birth, you don't remember or feel anything before birth and that is death
• are you a good person? do you try to do right by people? do you respect authorities? why?
• i am a great person. i fought for this country and its rights to believe or not believe whatever one chooses. i risk my life every third day at work for people i don't even know. it doesn't matter to me what they believe or don't believe, it's not my job to judge them. it's my job to save them, and be there for them in their time of crisis.

me (25)

• do you believe in god?
• nope
• why?
• because the whole "god" thing makes no sense to me
• what happens to you when you die?
• worm food
• are you nice to others? do you respect authorities? do you generally try to do right by people?
• i pay my taxes, i return the carts to the cart spot no matter what, even if it's pouring outside, i put others before myself
• why?
• because i'm not a douche

the first five (our kids) are just to show you that we are not strongly influencing these kids one way or the other. girl one and two sat with me for a bit after asking me questions, which i answered honestly, but it did nothing to sway them either way. (which, of course, would NEVER be my motive) the boys are still too young to really get what i'm asking, or understand what and why they believe/think the things they do. the last two are just to show how strongly opinionated mark and i are, but this is proof that we in fact do not force them to agree with us. for those of you who worry about goat sacrificing and bloody paintings in the dark, i swear to you our family time every evening involves nothing but cuddles on the couch and episodes of american idol and planet earth.

up down up down up down

up down up down up down. this week has been up and down more times than i can even attempt to count.

body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)

hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.

parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.

girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.

as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!

up down up down up down.

spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.

this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.

i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.

i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off,  started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.

thankfully, i am now free.

bland? bitter? bitchy? you choose

so apparently my thankfully ex-husband has dropped out of college (with only 6 years and well over $80,000 invested) ((or was kicked out because of failing grades)) (((or had a divine intervention...all are equally possible))) and is back in our home town living with his parents working at a grocery store and joining the marines as previously planned...except he's enlisting instead of going in as an officer. whoops. sad i missed out on that part of our "journey". oh and if that wasn't bad enough, he hasn't called his children in over a month. WHOOPS. ((although i will give him credit for that last phone call mid february which lasted 3 minutes and 24 seconds))

so don't judge me for not giving a shit about his dumb ass, and don't you dare judge me for loving that my children have a true father figure in their lives every.single.day. who loves them as his own, and unconditionally. but don't think we have EVER said anything negative about him to the boys. i actually enjoy how non existent he is from all of our lives. minus that measly check i get at some point every month. that helps a LOT.
ok pissy-dead-beat-dad-rant over.
onto more personal and bland things.
i've been doing a lot of gardening and crafts. i upped my meds, which has really balanced me out. i still have terribly vivid dreams/nightmares. some days i can't sleep, some i can't get enough sleep. some days i get a thousand things done, others i am useless and actually create more mess than i eliminate. getting outside helps a lot.
wow that really was bland. and difficult to write. because i'm trying to sound...normal? calm? i don't know.
i'm contemplating making my blog private again. not because i'm ashamed of who i am, and what i deal with, and not because i'm afraid of sharing my life. this is such a total outlet for me and i absolutely LOVE the support i get, and i truly do enjoy being challenged by the criticism as well. the grown-up-criticism that is. the messages calling me names and breathing fire at me are more comical than anything else. my favorites are the emails and messages telling me things about myself or my past that i never even knew! who would have known, better than me, why i chose to do what i did?! apparently there are a LOT of people who have lived my life instead of me, and like to fill me in on things i must have somehow missed. to my utter disappointment, they never do laundry.
meanwhile, i'm teaching my kids to ride bikes. i'm taking my puppy on walks. i'm loving my partner. i'm laughing, and completely enjoying my life. (they pretend all they see is the sex i have with horses on saturday nights (only for money to FEED MY KIDS for fucks sake), and the devil worshiping we do as a family every sunday afternoon, and the incredible amount of liquor, tattooing, and bondage we engage in, and consume weekly)
yall should see this shit. total carnage.

i mean seriously?! who wouldn't want this life :)

christianity and other scary shit

faith means making a virtue out of not thinking
-bill maher

i've got an actual post in the works that i'm actually trying to write/edit about this shit. for those of you who don't know, each and every one of these blog posts pretty much just explode out of me here and there. i don't re-read, edit, or anything of that sort. just put it out there. because that's what a true outlet is, right? not a conditioned form of some sort of emotion or thought you need to rid yourself of, correct? so all that to say, this is about my beef with christianity, yes, but this is just the turmoil of thoughts in my head tonight. i'm actually working on an educated sounding, fact based, sited, written piece. this will not be. this is a rant. or as best as i can do to type as fast as my brain is spinning over all this.

i know all of you are facebook friends, and many are reading shaking your heads after my apparently very abrasive status last night. she's lost touch of reality, her soul has been influenced by satan, she has fallen away, she is on a crooked path, she is doomed, this is sad, let's all pray for her. please do. i'll let ya know if it helps any. if i start bible thumpin next week, i'll apologize and make sure you all know that you're right. until then...

grow up.

because i sure as hell have. you spent your life worshipping, praying, loving god? you've devoted thousands of hours concentrating on his word, trying so hard to model your life after christ? good for you. i'm not being sarcastic. way to put your whole heart into something. it's very very hard to do that. you believe it a thousand percent? you raise your children in it? amazing. if you believe it so strongly to do all of this, back it. stand behind it. and know WHY you stand behind it. i will respect you, your choices, your freedom. so why is the favor not returned? you're like vultures, it's unbelievable. if you truly want to know why i believe what i believe and why i stopped believing what i believed in the past, ask! don't come at me with hateful messages and emails telling me how wrong i am. i mean, seriously?! how uncalled for and immature is that? i had three, out of nineteen people come at it with that approach. "hey hilary, can you explain to me why you feel this way? i respect you, i don't agree with you, but i respect you and am curious to your reasoning." the other sixteen were along the lines of,  "can't believe you'd say something like that...you're going to hell....god loves you, you really need to come back...you're a sinner...you're a whore"...and so on.

respect me, i'll respect you. hell, i'll respect you even when you don't respect me. because i'm a good person. i'm a good ATHEIST person. oxymoron? fuck no. dont' get me wrong, i'll take my licks. i'll take them and be the bigger person, take that "christians"-who-are-twice-my-age-and-the-most-close-minded-people-i've-ever-met! but fuck you.

it's the little things.

part three

i spent a miserable 10 days in texas before i contacted mark. on my wedding anniversary. found out he had called off the wedding. my thankfully ex-husband was due to move out any day. i left the kids with grandparents in texas and drove to tennessee. i left straight from the houston airport after dropping off my thankfully ex-husband at the airport to head to 6 weeks of officer training for the marines. that last night we spent in that hotel we spent in separate beds. i laid awake in anticipation of coming to tennessee, and also just staring at the ceiling knowing it was my last night with him forever. wondering what my life would have in store for me. life, as i knew it, had forever changed.

i drove the long 16 hours, only stopping to eat and potty. my heart rate jumped substantially every mile. i contemplated stopping for a bottle of wine about 100 miles out. i watched the miles tick by and finally made it to nashville. while driving through nashville, i refreshed my breath, my hair, my lip gloss, and deodorant. i called him once i was in hendersonville and he told me how to get to his house (although i'd practically memorized mapquest). he told me i may want to let him drive my car into his garage because his driveway was so steep. i got out of the car and watched him walk down the driveway to me. i was shaking and nervous to the point of nausea. he drove my car in and i followed him into his house. we went up to his bonus room and sat on the couch. he grabbed me and said, "i can't believe you're actually here." he was shaking, as was i.

he took me to dinner that night at a mexican restaurant we go to quite often now. we sat on the patio with margaritas until the sun went down. that night we cuddled on the couch and he introduced me to tosh.o, now one of our favorite shows. we laughed, kissed, and talked all night. the next day we slept until noon then got up and went for taco bell. then drove around looking at houses, walking in parks, until dinner time. we would go back to his house, get ready, and he'd take me out. that was our pattern for the entire week. lazy mornings in bed followed by late nights talking and learning each other.

i put him under strict orders to NOT tell me he loved me in this week while i was visiting. i purely wanted to be with him and see what we had. i didn't want to get caught up in the juvenile 'i love you' jitters. plus, i didn't want him to say it and me not feel it and the awkwardness that ensues...etc. although i almost blurted it out many times myself. on the third morning, i was laying on my stomach with my head facing away from him. he thought i was asleep. he started tracing my tattoo, then on the third time through my tattoo, i noticed he was writing something different. i caught on from "ve you" on. it was followed by a few !! as well. my heart fell to the floor and i was fairly confident he could feel it shaking the bed. and that was it. the most romantic, intimate, incredible moment of my life. my world changed that second.

i had to go back to texas and get my boys. i spent five miserable days there. i packed them in the car and drove to tennessee the day of my birthday. i walked in and met his kids, and introduced mine to him. aidan and oliver immediately went with jake who wanted to show them all his cool wii games. we sat on the couch watching them, and i was teary eyed with how right it all felt. home. family. love. he took us all to dinner that night at our mexican restaurant. i didn't leave for three weeks. i went back to texas, packed up a u-haul with the help of my thankfully ex-husband, and left it all behind me. i'd never felt so liberated. i made it to tennessee and to his parents house, where they had a chilled bottle of wine waiting for me. i was finally home.

and here i sit. here we sit. more in love than that morning he first 'told' me. happy. complete.

part two

we woke up tangled up. i was beyond thirsty so i told mark i needed a coke. we must have walked 2 miles to find one. it was hot and humid. i talked and never shut up, not for a second. he reached out for my hand. i was sure my heart was going to come shooting out my toes. but i tried to keep it cool. so we walked hand in hand to find a coke. we went to the beach to play in the sand and water. i underestimated the waves...they didn't look threatening, and i assured him i wasn't going to get my hair wet...had to stay cute, of course! i wasn't even up to my knees yet in the water, and the first wave took both of us down before we knew what happened. we came up sputtering and laughing. we sat down in the water and played with the sand, tossing it around and giggling. he suggested we try walking further into the water...he later admitted his intentions were not, as he said, to see how far we could go, but in the hopes he'd get to catch me when the waves knocked me back. he got his way.

for our last night in destin, we decided to order pizza and hang out on the broken boat. i must have spent an hour getting ready. i showed up in a strapless yellow sundress with a bottle of wine. we laughed, joked, cussed, and told stories. eventually mark and i walked to the end of one of the docks. we sat with our feet in the water and talked. there was no sense of time, i couldn't hear anything but my chattering or see anything but him. somehow i told him my entire story while he listened and asked questions. it was the first time in my life i was truly heard. we talked about our shitty relationships and how much we were regretting going "home". we never once shared our feelings for each other. i finished my bottle of shiraz, whispered a wish into the bottle, put the cork back on, and tossed it into the ocean.

even though we didn't sleep, the next morning came way too soon. we knew what it meant. we'd go our separate ways, and would never see each other again. we awkwardly hugged each other goodbye. he told me if i was ever back in tennessee to give him a shout. i weakly smiled, said goodbye to everyone else, and hopped in the car as fast as i could. the 6 hour drive back was miserable. i knew he was on the same highway going to the same place. we got to tennessee and headed to bed. my flight was early the next morning. on the way to the airport, my friend pointed at his exit and said that he was working today just a mile from where we were. my heart was aching, pulling me to where he was. but i ignored it. and went back to texas, to my little boys and my thankfully now ex-husband. guess how long that lasted?

part one

i don't remember much about that time,

just the smell of the air and your hand in mine
riding the strip, sittin' on my lap
in the back of the truck with the only friends I had

it was spring break, we were out late,
and i thought goodness for heavens sake when i saw you
and then I kissed you...
on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend

like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the sound of the boat
starting up, heading out of the bay
girl you faded away.

i still taste the shots on your lips that night,
and the smoke from the club still burns my eyes
feel of your body takin' off your dress,
waking up that morning in a tangled mess.
so if i'd have known, i'da held on
a little bit longer and stronger with nothing to lose,
cause i still see you...

on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend.
i watched you drive through the gate
without saying the words i needed to say.

like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the tears on your face
and the sun going down that day
girl you... faded away
you faded away
-faded away ((luke bryan))

ever almost lose the one thing you could never bear to lose? i almost did. but i didn't. last weekend was just a clusterfuck. it's had me reflecting on what really is important in my life. my priorities. remembering that mark is my number one. if we're not good, the family isn't good. he saves me every day.

part one.

i was sitting in my usual spot...in front of the computer listening to music, dreaming of another life, and reading blogs. of course, i had my bottle of wine right next to me. the nights he was gone, which were most of them, i didn't bother with a glass. i was on facebook and started up a chat with a friend i'd met during my semester at lipscomb in nashville 4 years earlier. we hadn't kept in touch much at all, but that night we poured our hearts out to each other. she suggested i get a plane ticket and come see her for a weekend in tennessee. i bought the ticket, then later that night i told him i was going.

i made it to tennessee, and she was planning on heading to destin that weekend with a group of firefighters. the plan was to lay on the beach all day, then party with them at night. i extended my ticket another 4 days. so desperate for something, anything. she her firefighter buddy worked together and decided mark and i might be a good match for the weekend. i went along with it one, because i was miserable, and two, because i'd seen his picture and i'm not a stupid woman. it was supposed to be a fling. nothing more than a good weekend.

then their boat broke.

that night we went to eat at a restaurant on the coast, then to a crowded bar in the city. he made me laugh harder than i'd laughed in years. it was awkwardly wonderful. i felt like a middle schooler and tripped over myself every time he looked at me. he grabbed my hand and led me through the bar, which was our first physical contact. (except when we first met. i got out of the car, and he hugged me. he said he did it to keep from falling over.) i whispered to my friend asking if she thought he liked me...she told her boyfriend, who, to my horror, loudly asked him if he thought i was cute. he said yes. i was a bumbling fool at this point.

the next morning we went for a drive looking for a waffle house. turns out there were 2 within a mile of our hotel room, but we were too starstruck to see them. so we ended up at chick fil a. we went to a mexican restaurant for lunch, drank margaritas, and then headed back to the broken boat. i hadn't been to the beach yet, so i was trying to persuade my friend to go with me. she didn't want to go, but mark said he'd go. (which was what i was hoping for anyway...) so we made it to the beach right at sunset. we walked out to the water and i chatted his ear off. telling him every story i'd ever heard. we people watched, but mainly just watched each other....
that night we got ready to go out, got in the truck, and i was trying to be a badass and drive the monster. (because i'm from texas and know how to drive a truck...?...ha) mark was next to me and next thing i know, i look over and he's on the ground on his back. all i see are his flip flops in the air. apparently he didn't realize the door was open and was trying to show off. he had to change. while i sat in the truck and giggled. we went to aj's which is a bar looking over the ocean. we drank and sang and danced. i asked him to show me where the bathrooms were, and so he came with me. once i came out, he was standing against the rail of a balcony over the water. i went to him, and he kissed me. i was sure i was in a movie. or dream. or something. it was unbelieveably surreal. we spent that night steaming up truck windows...which would have been romantic if it weren't for the van full of a family next to us that stayed there ALL NIGHT.

....part two coming up next...the rest of our first weekend together, then the whirlwind of a story we have after that. this man is my rock, my lover, my best friend.

attacked

these past few weeks have brought me back to feeling a need to be overwhelming self-preserving. i've felt this way before, of course. throwing up walls and shit.

once, when i was 17 and raped by a close family friend who was 26, but was too scared to tell anyone except my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband, a mere 6 months later when i found out i was pregnant january of my senior year at a christian school by my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband.

then, when i planned to abort my fetus (now, my sunshine)

then when i was forced by a christian adoption agency and my parents to adopt him out. how irresponsible it would be, for an 18 year old, to become a mother.

then by my family, claiming i was on my own should i choose motherhood at 18.

then by the christian adoption agency, the adoptive family, my family, and basically everyone in my life except for a precious handful, when i chose motherhood 10 days before the birth of my sunshine, aidan.

then again, when i conceived my second (which was "legitimate"...so it confused me a bit)...i believe my mother's exact words were, "oh i'm so sorry hilary, what are you going to do?!" and my dad said "...congratulations" in the most depressing way ever.

then again when i told my family of my rape and ....nothing.... was done. well, a discreet meeting with elders and prayer groups happened...but that didn't benefit me in the slightest. i was hoping for a castration. instead i got prayers and doubt.

then, when i realized my (gratefully) ex-husband was scared of my disease, of my depression and bipolarism, and ran away from me dropping me in a ditch to fend for myself in the dark. with an infant on my tit and a 2 year old on my hip.

then, when i was at the point of taking the babies in the car with me on drives at night for the sole reason i wouldn't run my car off the highway into a tree and would keep them safe, even if i couldn't/didn't want to keep myself safe.

then, when i stood up to everyone. and i mean everyone. and left my life in texas to start a new (and unplanned! oh the horror!) life in tennessee.

i had no consistent supporter, no one who stood by me all that time, no fairy in the sky who held my hand, nothing. but myself. and my own strength. and my will to survive. it wasn't graceful, or pretty, or easy. it was gut wrenching, excruciating, and raw. it was nasty, and at my lowest point i was barely holding my head up, slumped in the corner of the bathroom wishing for death with a razor blade in my hand.

but here i am. here WE are. because that free spirit in me that my family has always cursed, came out when nothing else would. because i'm stronger than all that. because life is for living. because i'm not a coward, i'm not willing to live a half-ass life and be miserable. god doesn't inspire me anymore. my children do. the sun does. my wonderful partnership with the most amazing man i've ever heard of does. colors do. stolen giggles behind closed doors do. this is life. this is MY life.

well now that we're current...back to the past few weeks. the first incident...well the information i can tell you is very limited pending a man twice my age growing a ball or two. i should lend him one of mine. if he ever does, i'll explain in detail. it'll be comical at that point. right now it makes my ears burn and my heart explode in anger. anyway, in once sentence, he works with the same fire department mark works at, and his wife went off her fucking rocker and came to my house, attacked me and threatened my family over about 10 text messages and a few exchanges of (accused, NOT EVER proven) googly eyes. so far, he has yet to sprout even the slightest hint of a silver chest hair and deal with this situation.

second incident. my puppy, my boy, my joey, attacked me. in a more literal sense. here's what i typed up for animal control:

February 15, 2012


I was sitting in the living room on the floor painting my nails. Joey (our 90 pound, 10 month old Great Dane) kept sticking his nose in everything and wouldn't lay on the couch, so I said “Joey, let's go outside.” He started bounding in circles from the kitchen to the living room. He has done this before but always stops after one or two circles and sits in his corner because he knows he's wrong. He continued to go in circles despite my verbal commands. I caught him and grabbed his collar and told him he was going outside, and he turned and latched on to my left forearm. I was startled and let him go. I then knew he wasn't playing and I knew I had to get the kids back. I had all 5 of my children at home, one at the kitchen table doing homework (age 6), one outside (age 5), two in their room (ages 11 and 9), and one upstairs (age 4). The one doing homework at the table got up to try and help me and I told him to sit and not get up. Joey lunged at me and was jumping up at me with all of his teeth bared. I caught him again by his collar, and pulled it off because it's loose. He continued lunging at me. At this point I was crying, shaking, and very scared. I grabbed him by the back of the neck, and attempted to drag him upstairs to where his kennel is. He turned and bit my left leg and tore a hole in my pants. I knew I couldn't get him upstairs, so I tried to drag him to the back door. He got away from me, and I was trying to catch him, and he came up behind me and jumped on my back, pushing my shoulders with his front paws and I fell down. He then grabbed my pony tail and pulled it. My adrenaline kicked in, and I somehow flipped him on his back and basically body slammed him to the ground and he knocked into a shelf and knocked a bunch of things over. I had him pinned to the ground and nearly strangled him. I then held onto his neck as hard as I could and tried to drag him to the front door, desperate to get him out of the house. He got away from me, and I called the 9 year old to stand in the doorway to help me catch him. He lunged at her and I caught him from behind. I grabbed his neck and he bit down on my left forearm and held on tight, gnawing at it. I just let him hold on and got him out the back door. I yelled at the child outside to come in and held onto Joey until he did. I then let him go and shut the door. He tried to follow me back in but moved his head just in time. I called my husband, who was at work, in a panic. He came home immediately and put Joey in his kennel. We let him out only to eat and go potty. I have never been so terrified in my life. I felt like I was fighting for my life, and for my children. I know if he wanted to he could have easily killed me. This act of aggression is inexcusable, and for the safety of myself and my children, my husband and I have decided he needs to be put down.

and he was put down on saturday the 18th. we had a behaviorist come to our home on friday after the attack. she has 25 years experience and travels to train k9 units for police departments, and specializes in aggressive dogs. she said joey is the third scariest dog she's ever encountered. she got a total creeper vibe from him the second she walked into the house. which really disturbed me...we knew nothing. but we're looking into another great dane. we just love the breed. he was mentally ill, and needed to go. but one bad one doesn't mean the whole breed is bad. he was such a sweetheart before all this, and exactly what we wanted out of a dog. the kids took it better than mark or i did. resilient.

so all this word vomit to say....i'm strong. you're strong. when you're at the bottom of your world, you're strong. not because you choose it. not because you roll up your sleeves and fight. because you survive. which is all it takes. just survive. life is good. love is good. everything changes.

closer

and here i sit.

somehow in the past year and a half i've transformed into someone i never thought i could be. i went to EMT school last fall, and am as of january 6th, a certified EMT-IV for the state of tennessee. not sure where that came from, but it was empowering. and interesting. and just all out amazing. no job yet, but i'm hoping to start somewhere part time very soon and try to figure out if this is really what i want...if it is i'll continue onto paramedic school...which would be an amazing accomplishment should i complete it.

i went through my blog and decided to make it public because this is me. i'm not ashamed or too proud to admit i have a disease. i have trouble coping with day to day life. i can only hope i can give someone else hope. i was absolutely miserable a few years ago, but here.i.sit. happy. healthy. plus it's an incredibly awesome outlet for me. judge me, know me, love me, hate me. whatever.

so as of now i'm only on 40mg/day prozac. mark will tell you quicker than i will that i still have bad days. or bad hours. or bad minutes. my doctor wanted me to go onto a psychiatrist, but i've heard that before. and i just can't do the medicine dance. i'd rather feel human and deal with my emotions than be drugged out of my life. i'm doing better than i have...well....ever. and i have mark to thank just as much as anyone/anything else. he's my rock.

i love being home with the kids...ashlee is now 11 (12 in 2 months!), kait is 9, aidan is 6, jake is 5 (6 in a week!), and oliver is 4. our puppy joey is now 8 months and 90 pounds. love his great dane ass. but i gotta start working...a family of 8 on a firefighter's salary is pretty much a game of russian roulette every bill cycle.

my ex-husband (nathan) is no help. his turn is coming soon.

my family hasn't gotten any more sane. have had no contact from my family that lives within 30 minutes of me...the only family relationship i have is with my parents. who continue to process and try to accept my life. as far as i'm concerned they've done amazing. i've now come out as atheist (i might as well said i have sex with animals on the weekends for money), but my parents have really been as accepting as they can be. much more than i thought they could be. as far as the rest of my family...they're scared/mystified/angry/blinded...shocker. i'm hoping one day they can see past the "hilary-has-sex-with-animals-and-is-an-ATHEIST" thing eventually. but i'm really thinking it won't happen. my brother got married in november and i went back to texas to be a part of it...of course the family was there. they pretty much avoided me like the plague, and i heard quotes like "oh, i hope she behaves!"...which made me want to get crazy and do something predictably psychotic. but i didn't. because i'm an adult. not sure what they are. oh wait. they're christians.

but oh well. i love my life. i love my mark and our 5 spastic kids. and one spastic pup. we have it pretty good. couldn't really wish for much more. other than, possibly, an engagement ring? haha guess i can wait on that one, too. 

oh it's hard to live the life you choose. but at least i chose it. i did. i chose it. we chose it. and we're happy.