lack of anything

i'm feeling a lacking of everything. most of all hope.

my hope has taken a nose dive this week. today being the worst of it all. life sucks sometimes.

imagine the worst, most demoralizing job you could every apply for. then go in for an interview, thinking "how could they NOT call me back." i mean the chick in front of me came in wearing sweats for gods sake. so all day today i kept my phone by me waiting on a sure phone call from a job i absolutely can't believe i even lowered myself to apply for. and it didn't come. needless to say, i made quite a strong drink and cried.

i'm so sick of this stupid game. i've applied for over 40 jobs. i've had three potentials come out of it. one was a scam i fell for somehow and ended up canceling mark's debit card over it. gave them my social and everything else though. i'm a fucking idiot sometimes. i'm 26 not 80 and naive about computer shit. the other fizzled out into nothing. and the last one required i work holidays and that's just not happening. i guess at some point beggars can't be choosers but dammit.

i feel like i'm letting my family down by not working. our kids deserve a fabulous christmas, and our credit cards deserve a fucking break. i do my best to be a mom, to run this crazy home, to cook, clean, to love. but sometimes i just feel so inadequate. what a low day for me.

but i carry on. because i'm thankful for my best friend and lover, for my kids, for my home, my life. and no matter how scary bills get, and no matter how many shitty ass jobs don't call me back, i have 6 crazy and amazing reasons to smile about. maybe 7 if you count bronx.

i do it for him. and her. and her. and him. and him.