life and love

crazy is what they all said
craziness lives in my head
crazy lies in my bed
worry, worrying about everything
worry it makes me insane
so much it drives me away
lonely, loneliness follows me around
loneliness drags me down
still lonely with others around

we went to dinner last night with some of mark's friends. i couldn't help but look around the table, taking in their conversation, wishing i was as educated, as grounded as they all seemed to be. one has a marriage falling at his feet, yet he still seemed to be more rooted than i felt. the others collectively are RNs, paramedics, working for lifeflight, firefighters, EMTs, graduates with four year degrees...maybe my dad was right. you can't make it without college. education. certifications. i'm getting a full time job in august to help support my family. my options are so very limited, and so "entry-level-minimum-wage-terrible-jobs-i-don't-want". i could go back to school and do anything, yes. but that's another year after another year of no salary...just adding debt.

my dream job? to stay home and create. write a book. decorate rooms. cook fabulous meals. attempt this "super mom" thing. being a grown up and facing real life is a bitch. why couldn't i wait to grow up again?! i watch our kids with their saturdays filled with pools, friends, sleeping in, ps3 wars, parks, and being served every meal three times a day. i remember those days. those saturdays i spent in my room making neckalces for my friends, attempting crazy hairstyles, experimenting with makeup, just wishing to be older. a grownup. i was so damn blind. i can only hope to reach through to these kids that they have it made right now and should just soak it up. (even if it makes more work for me)

but wishing things had been different in the past accomplishes nothing. plus, if everything went the way i thought it would go when i was that 13 year old dreaming in my room, i'd never have my two boys. i'd have never met mark and been able to be a mother to his three children. i'd have never found this wonderful, fun, spontaneous, crazy life i have with the love i always dreamed of, the five crazy kids i always wanted, and the big dumb great dane i never knew i wanted. how perfect and wonderful is my life. no matter how high my blood pressure gets while paying bills, no matter how much dread i feel in knowing this is my last summer as a stay at home mother (aka unemployed), none of it matters when i step back and look at it all. my beautiful home, my more than willing boyfriend working two jobs for us, my sweet kids that let me sleep in on saturdays and cuddle me at night, my sweet big pup that likes to sleep with me on nights mark is gone, my big glass of wine that affords me a few hours of sleep every night...everything.

i struggle, i cry, i have bad days, i pout, i long for my family, i miss my daddy, i get pissy with kids, i smack the dog, i drag my feet with chores, i go back to bed once the kids are gone, i skip showers....

but i also; pretend to sing, sneak up the stairs to listen to our precious children giggling, cuddle with my puppy at night, walk into the kids rooms while they're at school just to smell them, get out of bed, and run this insane house of 8 every day.

mark working two jobs is so hard for me, but it's also inspiring. he is working so so so hard for us. tonight his shift is from 7pm-7am, then he works at the fire department from 7am-7am. what an amazing man to pull a 36 hour shift for his family with no sleep. so what will i do tomorrow? laundry. dishes. gym. dog training. lunch making. kid bathing. make dinner. watch shows with kids. kiss them all, tuck them in, and thank this life that i'm such a lucky girl.

trying to be positive. trying trying trying. as i sob into my wine.

missing desperately, absolutely desperately; my lover, my best friend. and holding up the fort, being strong for him, for this crazy family.

 i do, i truly do, love my life. it's just so hard.