so close to dying..

..that i can finally start living.

it's been over 6 months since my last post. i'm not even sure where to start. this blank page is intimidating. guess i should just pick up where i left off. you might as well go get a cup of coffee and settle in because i have a feeling this will be epically long.

so i spent about 10 days in tennessee/florida, went back to texas for less than a month, then drove back to tennessee (sans kids...they were still in abilene) and spent another 10 days. then back to texas to get kids, another 5 days in college station, then drove back to tennessee out of complete misery and desperation for what i found here. spent 3ish weeks here, went back to texas and then drove 18 hours in a uhaul truck with my babies next to me and my life behind me all the way to tennessee.

and here i am.

during my less than a month in texas, i wrote nathan a very long letter and had a difficult conversation and told him it was finally time for me to move on. we both knew it was over long before that but had been trying to salvage anything that may have been there. one of us had to make a decision. nathan was actually more understanding than my family. does that seem backwards to anyone else? hmm. he's doing alright, he finally has time for school and all his extra stuff. we talk fairly regularly, he's seen the kids twice. i'm filing for divorce in january. we've both seen lawyers and have some of the details hammered out already. so far it's been really smooth as far as he is concerned. he helped me pack the uhaul and watched me drive off. so i finally did it. made a huge life-changing choice. for me.

my family called me selfish.

i disagree. i think it was healthy. i think it was long past due. i think it made me a better mother and a stronger person. then they argue it's not good for the kids and selfish of me to take them so far from their father. ok, so does that mean it's healthier for them if i stay in a relationship that was dead? show them that you stay in situations in life, even in such unhappiness? roll over and give up because of a commitment? be miserable because of a promise to someone? again, i disagree. it's healthier for them to see their mother happy. to see me fight for my happiness in life. to see me not settle. to see me in a healthy, loving relationship. to not see me crying on the couch day after day. i'm sad for nathan and hate that they won't get to grow up being as close to their father as they would if i had stayed, but nathan and i love them unconditionally. we get along. they'll never see us fighting or being nasty to each other. how is that selfish and unhealthy?

i haven't seen my grandparents that live 30 minutes from me except once since i've moved here. the once i went there, it was because my parents were there and i wanted to see them. my parents think i'm "burning bridges". i think i'm just being strong and not letting people walk all over me for once in my life. after i told family i was getting a divorce and moving, i was instantly the bad guy...i was giving up, leaving nathan, being cold, being selfish, being a bad mother...etc. you'd be appalled at the nasty texts my grandmother sent me. so. because i know what kind of treatment and judgement i'll get by going over there, i'm choosing not to. they're still my grandparents and i still love them, but until they can treat me like an adult who made an adult choice, and accept me, i'm not going to stand for it. and that's that. and it's liberating.

as far as where i stand spiritually...i'm not completely convinced, but i'm really not buying into it right now. i spent my life with it more or less shoved down my throat. every "bad" decision came with intense judgement. i wasn't invited on family vacations, i was uninvited to my own dinner table, i was preached at and preached at and preached at some more. and i was confused...aren't christians supposed to accept and extend grace? i did everything they asked...and everything i truly believed needed to be done. went before elders, wore off white to my wedding, repented and repented some more, went to bible studies, never missed church, prayed constantly...and still got nothing but judgement from my family. and i lived my life in guilt. i felt beaten down and like there was something intensely wrong with me. some of the best and most wonderful people i know are christians. i'm not lumping all christians into my hypocritically christian family. i see the big picture, and see what it's about. i understand it. i've done a lot of soul searching. and i really feel like my eyes have been opened. being a christian isn't about rules and regulations. it isn't about controlling others and setting limits. it's about quietly and genuinely trying to live a good life full of purpose, grace, and humility. it's about touching others around you with that purpose, grace, and humility. so for now, i'm quietly living my life and finding out who i am. and loving it. i want to believe, or not believe, something through and through. i want to live my life with purpose. i want to be genuine. it's not faith if you're using your eyes.

my depression lives strong. i'm managing it with renewed strength. i'm beginning to maybe almost think about medication again. maybe. i'm making healthy choices for me. i feel so much stronger and that helps a lot. but it still sits, in a deep dark corner, just watching and weighing me down. one day i'll conquer it. until then, i fight, i fight with all my strength and might, every day. more about that later.

you're all friends on facebook, so i KNOW you're wondering about mark, how he fits into this, and who he is. i met him through lauren (the friend i came to see in tennessee). we talked for hours one night. i let him read this blog. and found what i'd been missing. he's absolutely wonderful. i didn't mean to meet him or fall in love with him...but my heart has new found direction and motivation. i let it run with this one. and i'm so glad i did. he's got 3 precious kids, ashlee-10, kaitlin-8, and jake-4. he is a full time dad because his wife died of cancer 4 years ago. he's done an absolutely amazing job raising them. he's a senior firefighter, been doing that for 10 years now, and is trying to break into the real estate scene. he has a spirit for life i've never seen in anyone. it's contageous. which is something i desperately need. he's something wonderful.

ending on a happy note. so there's my update. i'll write more soon. i forgot how theraputic this is. i missed blogging! thanks for the faithful reading and unconditional support. love you all. :)

trouble in paradise

i went on a trip to tennessee/florida a few weeks ago (see my regular blog) and it changed my life. i found what i've been so desperately missing and needing. a best friend. i got a taste of life. of what i want my life to be like. of the kind of person i want to be. that little taste changed everything. which confirmed nathan's fears. i'm now determined to make something for myself. it's very hard to sever and leave everybody intact. i'm walking a tightrope. pray i don't fall.

funk

sorry for the lack of blogging. i'll let you know what's going on when i know. everything's so messed up it doesn't even feel real.

snap dragon

i drank almost an entire bottle of wine last night. in 2 hours. when i say almost, i mean there's less than half a glass left in the bottle. nathan came home and we had an honest conversation i didn't want to have. there were many tears. i booked a flight to tennessee to see a friend. i'm going the last weekend in may. i can't wait. at this point i feel like i could run there. don't need an airplane.

all we need is love is a lie.
cause we had love but we still said goodbye.
-john mayer

deflated

it's been progressively getting worse.
i've been talking about leaving.
out loud.
why why why why why.
please let me get through this summer.

darkness

my kids made me cry today. (but i didn't let them see) they just don't listen.
i was frustrated.mad.angry.
i wanted to walk out the door but i didn't. [that could be said for most days]
i want to scream.
i want to run.
running wouldn't be fast enough.
i want to fly.
how is this my life.

ring day

i've lost control of my emotions. i'm all over the map.

nathan gets his aggie ring tomorrow. (for those of you not familiar with texas a&m, this is a HUGE deal)

i'm happy for him and proud of him, but it just reminds me how stagnant i am in my dreams, goals, and life.

i bought 2 bottles of wine to get me through this weekend.

playing god

i can't make my own decisions

or make any with precision

well maybe you should tie me up

so i don't go where you don't want me

you say that i've been changing

that i'm not just simply aging

yeah how could that be logical

just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

you don't have to believe me

but the way i see it

next time you point a finger i might have to bend it back or break it, break it off

next time you point a finger, i'll point you to the mirror

if god's the game that you're playing

well then we must get more aquainted

because it has to be so lonely to be the only one who's holy

it's just my humble opinion but it's one that i believe in

you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you

you don't have to believe me

but the way i see it

next time you point a finger i might have to bend it back or break it off

next time you point a finger i'll point you to the mirror

this is the last second chance

i'm half as good as it gets

i'm on both sides of the fence

without a hint of regret

i'll hold you to it

playing god

paramore

anyone else hear me?

crumbling

here's what i need: a (AT LEAST) 3 month vacation away from kids, school, and this apartment. i'm being completely serious. i'd miss the kids, but not enough to not do it. i feel on the verge of running away when i think about another week of school. another week of kids. another week of nathan not being home ever. another week of not having any money. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. times 100. anyone feeling generous? anyone want to save a family, a marriage, and a soul? i gotta get out of here.

ruby beach, washington

if i could go anywhere in the world, it'd be there. i think about it more than i should. i look up pictures online. my heart wants to be there. i went there as a child, and standing on the beach at sunset looking at the rocks shooting up out of the beach covered in a mist, i got a tingling and aching feeling inside. i've never been anywhere like it. i can't wait to go back.

this weekend my mom came to town. for easter we went to a&m church of christ, then had lunch with good friends from there. i'm pretty sure my blood boiled more than once while i was there. i'm glad i went, because i've been needing closure. it was hard to do. but it reinforced to me that it's not at all where i need to be. or ever want to be again. i feel relieved knowing that. it's closed. it's done. it's gone. and i feel great.

i'm seriously not sure how (and if) i'll make it through this summer. this has been the hardest semester. i'm so thankful that i've been able to handle it better. my mood has been up, my productivity has been existant, and overall it's just been the best semester i've had (mood/energy/spirit wise). thank you lord for matching my best semester with nathan's worst (school wise). but this summer, we're making plans for nathan and his dad to fly to florida and watch the shuttle launch on may 14th (they'll be there a few days) then come back and work full time until may 21st when he heads to virginia for 42 days. then he'll come home and go straight back to work full time. and probably start prepping for school. then school starts. i'm jealous of him. i see him meeting goals and fulfilling dreams one by one. there's an end in sight for him. just thinking about it and i get a lump in my throat and a burning in my chest. i'm happy for him, but so jealous. so angry. and i feel like it's just not fair. yes, i'm 4 years old. this summer will be hard. emotionally, physically, financially....but it's coming. all i can do is attempt to prepare.

i'm exhausted. i need a massage. and a bottle (or two) of wine. i feel overwhelmed.

body image

i'm in terrible shape. don't shake your head at me. i am. seriously. ok..maybe not terrible...but i can't say i'm in good shape. yesterday was my "audition" for bodystep and i made it through half the class...then in the middle of the 3rd track i was teaching, i seriously thought i was going to pass out. i was thinking, 'the director is going to have to call an ambulance and i won't be able to teach. ever. because i died.' i didn't realize how much more effort i'd have to exert just by talking. it probably didn't help that i was beyond nervous. oh well. i got through it...barely...and she gave a thumbs up and left. and....breathe. it's done.




i didn't work out at all today. it was nice. but i've got to do something to get my endurance up...help.



i'm nervous about bathing suit season. last year was my first year back in a bikini since i had babies. i probably made a few people gag in their throats. hopefully this year will be better. i'm working on it. my tummy and thighs are stubborn. bleh.



i think indoor tanning is stupid. it's the same as smoking cigarettes to me. cancer-inducing-completely-unhealthy...and everyone knows it by now. i did it before my wedding...i had about 5 sessions because i had bathing suit lines on my shoulders and my dress was strapless. i haven't done it since then, but i'm planning on having 2 or 3 (10 minute) sessions this spring right before summer. cringe. but i get really pale in the summer and i'm always self conscious the first few times i'm out in my suit. so i want to take the blinding glow off of my tummy before i go in public.



nathan's gonna flip.



why is my body image so poor? why are my standards set so high? i work out more to lose weight and tighten..things...that have fallen...than to be healthy. i know it's skewed. i'm so thankful i don't have a little girl. it's unreal to me the pressures that fall onto girls today....i only hope i can raise my boys to be respectful and to look inward. what a hard world these kids are growing up in. it's terrifying..all the responsibility that falls on us as parents. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. i'm blessed with wonderfully sweet boys.



is there anything you would like to know about me? is there anything you'd like to hear my opinion on? any questions..about anything? if you've ever had a conversation with me you know i'm quite open. i've been wanting to devote a blog post to answering people's questions but i've been afraid to try because i'm afraid nobody will have any questions. so, humor me, and think of one. you can email me if you want and i can make it anonymous if you'd rather.

can it be? is it she?

i'm officially

happy.

can.you.even.believe.it.

cause i can't.

i don't know why, i don't know what happened. i won't question it. i think i'll just jump up and down and sing about it. i haven't felt like this in years. and i'm not exaggerating. i'm talking 5 plus years.

i'm still struggling with my faith in god. questioning, wondering, thinking. i'd rather question and be uncertain than buy into the hype and just accept my parent's faith. i want to be true.genuine.real.consistent.

nathan swore into the marines today. i'm happy for him, and proud of him...but i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack in the office. my heart was racing, my hands were sweating, i was shaking and nauseous. i wanted to tell him not to, like i did 2 years ago. it was strange.  and it subsided.

i didn't tell him that. i guess he'll find out here.
[i did everything for you]

i actually feel stupid being happy. i'm so used to being gloomy. it's something i'm willing to feel stupid for. i can't even describe the weight that has been lifted off my soul.

so wish me luck. i'm off to shit rainbows and star gaze.

a little bit of this a little bit of that

see the nasty-ness that is my 4th toes? and the lovly-ness that is my appletini? (why this picture is on THIS blog. don't want phone calls tomorrow, yall.) the nasty-ness is a blood blister. under those toes. from body step. and that dark spot on my left big toe? a blister that i popped saturday night, that formed again on sunday during the training. so, i'm hoping i don't lose those 2 toenails....GROSS. i've been wearing different tennis shoes since then, and mostly flip flops because it's been 70 here. :))))) but the worst part? my shins!! i thought about taking a picture. but..there's nothing to see. so it'd just be a picture of my legs. and that's kind of weird. my shins hurt. like hell. shin splints, anyone? i've never had them. i made it through 30 minutes of step today. and that was taking it easy. i thought my legs were going to collapse under me they hurt so bad. UGH! this is not the time. i finally decide to become some-what physically active and my legs start to hate me for it. frustration is leaking out of my head.

sorry i haven't blogged lately. i'm avoiding it, honestly. i'm feeling somewhat better, and i don't want to jinx it. :) i'm on no meds...just some melatonin at night. (which is working WONDERS by the way....i've been drinking a bit more, so maybe it's the combination of those things. i don't care what it is, i'm sleeping.) i'm still having dreams, but it's not near like it was. horrah!

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately. i know i'm in a crucial time in my life, a time when i'll grow and change and be molded into who/what i will be the rest of my life. it's a sensitive and vulnerable time, and i'm very aware of that. [[some days i want to just spread my wings and fly away.]] i feel things that are so true and vivid. i see color and beauty in things i didn't notice before. [cliche...but aren't most things?] i'm still pretty friend-less. but it doesn't scare me. i drink more at night, but i laugh more during the day. i kiss my husband on purpose. [and with purpose] i haven't talked to my dad in a month, and that's ok. because i'm not reverting to the normal "me" who would have called him 2 days later and been "normal" and "ok". let's do more of "this". ok, "done". and the whole god thing? that's another post. it's so complicated. yes, i believe. yes, i want to model my life that way. yes, i want to raise my children that way. "that way" being christian. BUT, that old church of christ stuff that was slammed down my throat all my life, NO THANK YOU. and for those of you cocers (hahahah) out there, oh please just think about it before you slam it. ok? ok. it's painful. and it burns. and it pushes people away. OH THAT'S ANOTHER POST, HILARY. i don't even want to go there right now. it makes me all firey inside. thanks for trying to make me someone i wasn't, and for trying to shove me in a box i never will fit into. seriously, i'm done.

ok. i'm going to go watch the office and be completely brainless until bedtime. i'll pick this up later. i'm losing my train of thought. but i'm feeling better. relief, relief, relief. be happy for me. :)

busy busy

so sorry for the looong time between posts. we've actually been busy. i'll update a little later this week. boys are home, nathan's at work. yuck. they'll have their penis surgery on wednesday...yikes. just a little circumcision correction. then thursday we'll drive them half way to abilene and give them to the in laws, then nathan and i are headed to austin. possibly. then on friday, the woodlands. possibly. then get the kids on sunday, then back to hacking away at school until it's finished. i'm so ready for a break. i'll catch up asap. i've been feeling non-bloggish lately.

nothing

so. rant. go.

my grandmother (the one that insisted i wear an off white gown to my wedding because it'd be SINFUL not to. and i did. because i was a pussy.) sent nathan a text a few nights ago carrying on about vows, leadership, and how much more they expected out of him. the issue? he called me a bad ass on facebook. (maybe she doesn't understand the meaning? it's a compliment.) anyway. he replied nicely. i then sent a text that was a little snappier. pointing out that lifestyle choices are CHOICES and that we don't really need guidance on this issue. she told me it was a sinful conversation. livid. would describe me. problem one. i'm not 14. don't fuss at me for something a 14 year old should be fussed at about. i've forgotten, am i an adult? ok. i don't have a problem with people pointing out issues they have with me. not at all. but to call out my husband and tell him he's breaking vows, letting down the family (??wtf) and not showing leadership because he said 'ass'.......anyone else think that's ridiculous? i'm so tired of my family. that sounds awful. i know. but they've always criticized, always stifled, always tried to stuff me into this teeny tiny chruch of christ box. i've never fit. therefore i've been labeled, shunned, and fussed at for my entire life. exhausting. and i'm fed up. i am who i am. i've accepted it. they haven't. and they're the super mega christians. how backwards is that?

while i'm on that. super-mega-christians. i get pregnant and instantly get a scarlet letter. i'm asked to leave my christian high school. yes, because i was pregnant. i would have graduated 5 months pregnant and could have hidden it. i was told by a christian adoption agency that i would be doing my child a disservice by keeping him. that i couldn't handle being a mother and it was an irresponsible choice to choose to be so. and that i should correct this "sin" by giving someone else a child. not a child. my child. then, my parents are specifically asked by my grandmother (the one mentioned before) that i not attend the family reunion in colorado. i was asked NOT to attend. i was the only one not there. then. my parents asked me to go to a different church. then, my mother asks me to leave out the back door and not the front because the neighbors were talking. then, i decide to keep my child, and my parents ask me to move out.

flip that over. nathan's family, who (besides his parents) aren't christian, invite me over. and i go over there night after night to eat their food because my dad couldn't look at me at the dinner table. they offer to let me come live there when my parents asked me to leave. they were overjoyed when i decided to keep aidan. (when i told my parents, dad informed me i had 'ruined mom's trip to michigan' ((because i called her there to tell her. i was in the hospital....come on.)) and when he was born dad came with a camera and in the sickest, most sarcastic way, said 'well i guess we take pictures because that's just what you do next, right?' then handed me a list of family members and said 'call them and tell them your news'. aidan's birth day was a bad day. worse than bad.)

sorry for ranting about my family. i could go on and on. i know it's not healthy. and, having said all that, i love my parents. and i respect my grandparents. but i'm so different and there's a lot of history of hurt between us. on both sides. but i love my parents dearly, we just rub in opposite ways.

sorry for the word vomit. i'm done.

i'm nervous about the body step training this weekend.

i should be doing so many other things than sitting at the computer right now.

i'm feeling better in my spirit. i won't claim happy yet. but i'm....calm. and i feel controlled. it's a wonderful feeling. thank you for the prayers.

postsecret

i love postsecret. LOVE it.

quote from this week's posting.

i guess i'm the opposite of suicidal. i feel so dead and i want to be alive.

thank you.

EFF

well...i created this blog because i was tired of hearing my family talk about it. or hearing that they were talking about it amongst themselves. or getting emails about my life choices.

i deleted my twitter because i was tired of people doing the same thing. i'd post something, and sometimes, less than 5 minutes later someone was asking me about it.

i know! it's public. i put it out there. i got that. i have no problem being open and sharing and i also have no problem with people having different opinions about me and my life. fine. but, really? if i was 14 i could understand it.

so i get a phone call this morning concerning my facebook activity. this is the third call. the.third.call. concerning my conversations with other people, my status updates...the subject of which is either drinking, bad language, or talking about something completely inappropriate like kissing girls. oh my GOD send me to hell now! shun. shun. shun. i might as well say what i actually feel and do what i actually want. they'd judge me all the same. i've had several phone calls about alcohol. my family thinks i'm an alcoholic i'm sure. good for them! it'll give them something to talk about with each other over lunch. good lord, guys. seriously.

i know, silly immature rant. but gosh i'm tired of it! i've been officially labeled mentally ill by my family. they said those actual words. horray! i think they'd all be happier if i sat in the corner reading a bible, occasionally patting a child on the head and feeding a homeless person.

i just love being in the middle of a perfectly rounded, sane, christian, loving family.

ok. rant is over.

cheesecake and tears

last night we went to caffe capri. it was incredible, as always. william was our waiter, he told the hostess he wanted us. :) he's hilarious. wine, pesto ravioli, then cheesecake. holy hell. it was a little frozen in the middle, but somehow that made it even better. it was amazing. so was the company. i went shopping yesterday for a top to wear for last night. i found an adorable black sleeveless top with cream lace at the top. i wore it with a cream mini skirt. and got some new black heels. i wore a cream pea coat. i was freezing and had to shave my legs, but it was totally worth it. i love wearing black and white. i felt pretty.

after dinner we headed to northgate. got a few drinks, then met some friends at sweet eugenes. i left early because i felt bad. not sick bad, mental bad. i had a huge knot in my throat and felt like i was about to cry. so i came home, cried, took a double dose of sleeping pills, and went to sleep. i got out of bed at 2pm. then went back to bed at 4:30. then got back up at 6:30 to take nathan to school.

i hate this disease. this condition. this "lack of prayer". whatever the hell you want to call it. i hate this depression. i can't help how i feel. i feel great, happy, sexy, and fun. then i feel like shit. and the change is so violent and comes without warning. i hate it.

why can't i just be normal? sometimes i feel so bad, i can't even explain it. it's excruciating. it hurts physically. i curl up on the floor and shake. it hurts in so many ways. i feel like i might explode. like actually explode.

now that i'm off the medicine, i'm back to feeling completely zapped of any kind of energy or motivation. i've got a list down to my toes of things to do, and can't seem to find any kind of energy to do any of it. the house hasn't been clean in 2 weeks. when i first started the celexa, i sent nathan 20 texts one day because i was so excited i cleaned the windows. and the bathroom. and the kitchen. all in one day. and i dusted. i was so happy to finally have the energy to do things. now i'm back to dirty rooms, and unfinished projects everywhere. does this ever end?

please god let it end.

silent screams.

passion

"i just want to get in my car and drive away..somewhere i can hide out and swear and smoke and be alone. but that's the other side of what it means to be in love. to be passionate is to fantasize about throwing it all away."

-rebecca woolf

wait

feeling on the verge of some great truth

where i'm finally in my place

but i'm fumbling still fool proof

and it's cluttering my space

casting shadows on my face

and though i have the strength to move a hill

i can hardly leave my room

so i'll sit perfectly still

and i'll listen for a tune

while my mind is on the moon

and if i stumble

and if i stall

and if i slip now

and if i should fall

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

cause everywhere i seem to be

i am only passing through

i dream these days about the sea

i always wake up feeling blue

wishing i could dream of you

so if i stumble

and if i fall

and if i slip now

and lose it all

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

wait by alexi murdoch

[[been listening to this song on repeat for an hour. i have no other words to describe how i feel. can i just say how much i hate this.]]

follow up

i wrote a whole paragraph about sleeping in my own bed. it's 2:25am and i'm sitting at the computer. see, 2 years ago when nathan and i bought a new bed, i said HEY! let's get a queen. it was like $25 more dollars. he said, no, i like the full. we can be closer. awwwwwwww. except not really. he's such a light sleeper if i change positions, cough, or think too loud he huffs and puffs and moves around. so i'm letting him sleep. the couch is covered in laundry so...hello. i just took half a sleeping pill. not the coolest idea. well, not for tomorrow morning anyway.

silent screaming

nobody brought me wine. :(

took mom to waco tonight, met dad there at panera bread. (dad's favorite restaurant...he never misses a chance to go! too bad there's not one in abilene.) it's been a hard week. i'm glad mom came, but it was hard having her here. it's hard to completely explain without sounding terribly mean. sooo lets just say, mom needs to re-take the course on 'helping your adult daughter deal with depression'. apparently she thought her job here was to keep me awake during all daylight hours (WTF) and tell me what i was doing wrong, and how if i would just change this or that, i'd be more 'positive'. hmmm. she has only good intentions, but it just further proves that i do NOT belong in the family i'm in. and that doesn't stop at parents. my whole family, both sides, extended and all...seem to be just right. i'm too cold. (and sometimes too hot :) either way, i just don't fit with the seemingly perfect family i fell into. and it's hard not to have someone on my side. oh they love me, but they aren't even close to understanding me. or helping me. they just don't know what to do with a daughter like me. sigh.

eh.

i'm very excited to be able to sleep in my bed again, though. it's been a WEEK. nathan and i have been sleeping on the couch. yes. singular. THE couch. nathan's been getting up at 5:30 or 6 to go work out (because he's got to train for his upcoming role as gi joe, remember? shit.) he's so disciplined. i'm lazy.

so...i'm supposed to be tapering off the wellbutrin. but i kind of just stopped it. kind of on accident. i've been preoccupied with trying to not strangle my mother, cleaning up poop, and having strep throat. it got lost in all that. i haven't taken it in 4 days, i figure i should just ride this out and not take another one....we will see.

last night was a bad one. i was rude and snappy with mom and nathan all night. i hurt both of their feelings. nathan put on p.s. i love you at 10:30...i think he was just trying to be nice to me. couldn't have chosen a worse movie, though. i should have said something. it was really hard to watch. always is. i only watch it when i'm alone and really really sad. just uber sad. and want to sob like a baby for an hour and a half. so i felt like i was going to throw up most of the time, trying to hold in my bursting tears. luckily, he fell asleep half way through. so i put on my ipod, and cried on the kitchen floor for about an hour. did some silent screaming in the bathroom. then got in bed with aidan for 20 minutes. then came to the living room to lay on the floor, cried some more, drifted off to sleep...got on the couch at about 3:30. yeah...pathetic. kind of embarrassing to share.

silent screaming. you know, when you're crying so hard and hurt so bad, but it's 2am and everyone's asleep and you're within 10 feet of 4 people? yeah. silent screaming. anyone else do it? this is why i need a field. 

i wanted to run away. or just run. to feel something else.

run.

unless you've dealt with depression, i know you're just shaking your head at me.

this is what this blog is for. me sharing my intimate struggle with depression for my own benefit. and maybe yours.

it's such a daily struggle. struggle is a nice word. it's a fucking battle. on days when i just can't do it anymore, i stay in bed for 10 hours. or cry, sob, weep, for an hour. or throw things. luckily, i can hold up for 5 or 6 days straight, until nathan has a day off and i can just...die. escape.

i love nathan. i love the kids. it's just the situation i want to escape. 

this is just a giant gripe fest.

so the psychiatrist thing is going to cost a gazillion dollars. my parents said they'd pay for it. but. i don't know. dad thinks i'm making excuses. i'm not, i just have a hard time asking for a gazillion dollars. and, i'm not really thrilled about paying someone $200 an hour to pump me full of more medicine. so far, the medicine thing has been worse than the non-medicine thing. and that's saying a LOT. seriously. a lot.

eh.

i feel like i'm at a dead end. with a brick wall. and i see it, but i'm still moving surprisingly fast towards it. everybody should hide if i hit that wall.

i hate my suicide dreams. it's either me watching myself run a knife somewhere along my body and watching the black blood spill out. it's always black. or it's me watching other people kill themselves in different ways. damn my creative, dark mind. but i'll take the suicide dreams over the demonic dreams any night. i've had nightmares since i was 16. not running from the cookie monster nightmares, like scary-fucking-nightmares. like wet-the-bed-nightmares. the first one, i was 16, i saw myself dead in a different "suicidal" way, in every room of my house. it flashed the rooms through my mind like a scary movie does. i got up, ran outside, and ran down the street. my startled parents came out after me and asked me what the hell i was doing. except they didn't say hell. because they don't use words like that. but their faces sure said it. when i explained why i'd run out, my mom almost fainted. after that, i had suicidal dreams mostly until i was raped at 17. then i had rape dreams. then after pregnancy, i had the most horrid dreams about my children being hurt or killed. or me being pregnant and someone cutting the baby out and killing it. seriously, guys. awful stuff. the demonic stuff is the worst. that didn't start until this past year. most of them are me walking down a dingy greenish yellowish lit hallway with doors on either side. i'm terrified to open them, but i do. and there's a demon on the ceiling in the corner who lunges out at me. or an old lady who's obviously possessed. or someone sitting in a chair facing away from me. and i walk into the room and look at the person. and i can't even express what they look like. or the demons follow me and touch my hair, or i feel them on my skin...and i either wake up about to vomit, holding my breath, sobbing, always tensed up, and a few times i even have wet the bed. embarrassing, yes. reading that paragraph will probably give you a nightmare. sorry.

i don't watch gory, demonic, or otherwise "scary" movies. i can't. especially those demonic ones. i can't even watch the previews. anyone see that 'legion' preview? it came on before every movie i've seen in the past 6 months. GEEZ. terrifying. and i'm not...like that. i don't know. i don't think about stuff like that...but i go to sleep and dream all this stuff up. psychologist says it's because i'm struggling with so many dark, angry feelings, and i have a creative mind, and this is how it comes out.

so, thanks brain.

if you've read this entire thing, thank you. i tell you guys more than i tell...well pretty much anyone. except psychologist. and nathan knows all this stuff. but somehow it comes out better with writing. this is my outlet, i suppose. for now. and thank you, all of you who have shown interest in reading this blog. and who read every word of it. it really means a lot. even though i don't know you that well, or know how you feel about what i say...i see that you do read it. and i know you cared enough to ask to read it. so, thank you.

still not tired, but going to stop typing to spare anymore word vomit. next time.

and, sorry for the f-bomb. like twice.

keep up

hello. read my other blog. then bring me a bottle of wine.

seriously.

smooth red, please.

seriously.

void

i got out of bed at 3pm today.

was looking forward to spending (much needed) time with a friend...until i got stood up.

my dad left this afternoon, but mom decided to stay a few days. for good reason i suppose. i'm hardly functioning. at home anyway.

i had the worst nightmare i've had in weeks last night.

i'm slowly getting down off the wellbutrin. i think my body is trying to die.

if all you see is griping, i apologize. it's a really low time for me, and it's truly all i feel. and i don't express these feelings to anyone but nathan, so they get spit out on the internet for all of you. most of who i barely know.

i just want to be happy, i just want to have a good day, i just want to have a day without tears and desperation. i want to enjoy spending time with my kids, i want to feel hope.

void. everything is void.

wine

so my parents are coming down tomorrow. just to take the boys to the park. incredible? YES.

i'm getting off the wellbutrin and making an appointment with a psychiatrist.

i went out with someone i admire and had the best time i've had in a LONG time. and drank half a bottle of wine. and it was just incredible. i need a friend like that. too bad they're moving in may. i think i may cry.

i'm on my second glass of wine for the night.

i worked out for 2 and a half hours today.

i think i might actually do the body step instructor thing.

i'm having doubts.

bulletproof weeks

i can't breathe.

it is the opinion of my psychologist and my dad that i should get off all medication.

i'm going to need a barf bag and a box of kleenex.

listening to some mad hope by matt nathanson isn't the best choice.

just stop

i deleted my twitter account.

i'm tired of people whispering around me and making sure there's enough padding and protection around me. because oh, i'm so fragile, i just might break. well, please, direct it to me. i'm obviously strong enough to go through all i have. i'm just now going insane. this has been going on for 6 years people. rape. teen pregnancy. less than 24 hours away from having an abortion. kicked out of my high school. graduated 5 months pregnant while everyone else went to college. being in love with someone else who didn't know it. parents said to give the baby up for adoption or i'd have to move out. nathan's parents said they wanted the baby for themselves if we didn't want it. watched my parents fall apart around me. went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and grandmother who told me i had to wear an off  white gown. said she wouldn't come if i wore white. yes, my christian, missionary, preacher's wife, elders wife, hospitable, christian grandmother. i had to go to a different church while i was pregnant. my mother asked me not to go out in the front yard, but to come and go from the back. that was 'for my protection'. the day of aidan's birth was the 2nd worst day in my life. the 1st was my wedding day. i can't even begin to describe it. i will eventually, but i'm all shaky and weepy again. i moved to college station not knowing a single soul, cried for 3 months because i felt so deserted. found out i was pregnant, cried for 9 more months. waitressed the whole time. and took care of my little family that i didn't want. i didn't want any of this. where did my life go? oh that's right. i've been back and forth on meds, not on meds, haven't found a friend here yet. we've been here 3 and a half years. it's mostly my fault, yes. so don't whisper. don't watch what you say. don't try to protect me. because i've gone through all that shit and i'm still here. so just stop it.

nothing is what i thought it would be. nothing is right. nothing is what i wanted. terrible, huh?

weepy

today was horrific. i cried 40% of the day. yelled at the kids about 20% of it. and the rest was spent in a reclusive state in the corner. i feel sorry for my kids. how do people get through this stuff? prayer? alcohol? friends? not much is helping. just bad day.

well i am praying. and screaming. and listening to music that expresses feelings in words i couldn't find. and drinking wine. (after the kids are in bed...come on.) the friends thing is lacking. only because i feel like such a bother to the ones i do have. who are nathan's friends. therefore concerned with school and school. and don't understand a weepy, emotional, female.

ever wish you could evaporate?

excrement

blah what a day. i've done nothing productive today. wtf is with this medicine? i'm this close to stopping it all together. that would be a disaster. more of a disaster than my current state? i think not.

aidan gets in the car and tells me his teachers wanted him to learn about cowboys and cowgirls, but he didn't want to, so he learned about airplanes. i asked him who was teaching him about airplanes. he said 'my own self. in my head'. so he's either daydreaming or insane. maybe both. then he proceeded to tell me about all the different kinds of airplanes he learned about. fire airplanes, spaceships, fire spaceships, little airplanes, big airplanes, blue airplanes, airplanes that carry a hundred people, airplanes that don't carry people, fire airplanes that carry lots of people, rocket ships, fire rocket ships.....his list went for at least 2 minutes. he's learning about airplanes because his daddy is learning about airplanes at school. sweetness. then he gets home and we have this conversation:

aidan: mom, my hands smell like poop today.
me: ok, here's the hand sanitizer. (yep..too lazy to get up and take him to the bathroom)
aidan: is this what gets the smell off? and the germs? like when you stick your hands in poop? this gets it all off?
me: did you stick your hands in poop?
aidan: a little
me: ok. get another squirt of hand sanitizer and go watch your movie.

 what?! ew.

oliver was in undies this morning but after peeing on the kitchen floor, his bedroom floor, and into one of his trains, i decided it was a day for diapers. both of my children are having excrement problems. 

meanwhile, my house is a mess, i haven't showered in 2 days, and i haven't eaten anything today. unless you count the fruit roll up and cherry coke for lunch. i'm just not hungry. again, damn this medicine. so i'm downloading some music on the internet (nathan suggested i stop talking about illegal things i've done on the internet. he's probably right.) and i will take a shower asap. good thing yall are far away. i guess i should take care of myself a bit better. i did paint my nails earlier. 

 such sadness.

peanut butter m&ms

how is it that i'm already feeling guilty for saying what i want to say? i feel selfish. and weak.

today was hard with the boys. they were good, it's me. i swear, my patience is wafer thin. i so want to be carefree and fun with them. i did play unicorns today. aidan's new favorite game. we walked around on all fours and pretended to have knights on our backs that battled it out. he's so odd. and so creative.

anyway. just feeling guilty about the first post. dumb. i'm watching house online. actually i'm re-watching house online. because i've seen all the episodes. i haven't cleaned a single thing in my house today. and i had a hot pocket, peanut butter m&ms, and pudding for dinner. i don't have anything else to say about today. i'm just trying to add another post so the first one isn't so daunting.

stripped

ahhhhh finally. i can say what i REALLY want to say. and i don't have to update you on my life. because you've read and stayed with me since i started revealing the darker parts of my life. i'm not adding my family to this blog, for multiple reasons. one of those being, i want to talk about them sometimes, but can't. because i get phone calls or emails if i do. another reason is because i've already been deemed the black sheep, the one "off the trail" and i'm just tired of it. who wouldn't be. i'm not crazy, i'm NORMAL. didn't realize it until i got out of there. i love my family. but there's a reason they're kept at a distance from me. from this.

the medicine has been making me feel like shit. for the past 4 or 5 days i've been super dizzy. if i turn my head too fast i feel like i'm going to vomit. if i stand up from sitting i get one of those things...it goes black for a second then there's that really intense headache. nathan says low blood pressure. and i cry, then laugh, feel hopeless, then indestructible. i can't sleep, unless i take medicine. doctor says push through. counselor says quit if it's not better in a week. the next step is going back to no medicine. it was horrible then, but at least i could feel.
while having 300mg of wellbutrin and 40mg of celexa in my system, bad moments are BAD. had a date with an exacto knife a few times. no intent of suicide. nothing crazy like that. but when you feel so bad inside, it only makes sense to want to distract and feel something, anything, somewhere besides your heart. it releases those feelings screaming to get out.

i'm taking my ipod and my energetic children to the park. it's sunny and perfect outside. mondays are nathan's long days. actually, every day is a long day. class wise, this is the longest though. i'm thankful for college station's parks.

thank you for wanting to be a part of this blog. it means a lot to know that people are reading it and interested in my less than thrilling life.