stripped

ahhhhh finally. i can say what i REALLY want to say. and i don't have to update you on my life. because you've read and stayed with me since i started revealing the darker parts of my life. i'm not adding my family to this blog, for multiple reasons. one of those being, i want to talk about them sometimes, but can't. because i get phone calls or emails if i do. another reason is because i've already been deemed the black sheep, the one "off the trail" and i'm just tired of it. who wouldn't be. i'm not crazy, i'm NORMAL. didn't realize it until i got out of there. i love my family. but there's a reason they're kept at a distance from me. from this.

the medicine has been making me feel like shit. for the past 4 or 5 days i've been super dizzy. if i turn my head too fast i feel like i'm going to vomit. if i stand up from sitting i get one of those things...it goes black for a second then there's that really intense headache. nathan says low blood pressure. and i cry, then laugh, feel hopeless, then indestructible. i can't sleep, unless i take medicine. doctor says push through. counselor says quit if it's not better in a week. the next step is going back to no medicine. it was horrible then, but at least i could feel.
while having 300mg of wellbutrin and 40mg of celexa in my system, bad moments are BAD. had a date with an exacto knife a few times. no intent of suicide. nothing crazy like that. but when you feel so bad inside, it only makes sense to want to distract and feel something, anything, somewhere besides your heart. it releases those feelings screaming to get out.

i'm taking my ipod and my energetic children to the park. it's sunny and perfect outside. mondays are nathan's long days. actually, every day is a long day. class wise, this is the longest though. i'm thankful for college station's parks.

thank you for wanting to be a part of this blog. it means a lot to know that people are reading it and interested in my less than thrilling life.