a little bit of this a little bit of that

see the nasty-ness that is my 4th toes? and the lovly-ness that is my appletini? (why this picture is on THIS blog. don't want phone calls tomorrow, yall.) the nasty-ness is a blood blister. under those toes. from body step. and that dark spot on my left big toe? a blister that i popped saturday night, that formed again on sunday during the training. so, i'm hoping i don't lose those 2 toenails....GROSS. i've been wearing different tennis shoes since then, and mostly flip flops because it's been 70 here. :))))) but the worst part? my shins!! i thought about taking a picture. but..there's nothing to see. so it'd just be a picture of my legs. and that's kind of weird. my shins hurt. like hell. shin splints, anyone? i've never had them. i made it through 30 minutes of step today. and that was taking it easy. i thought my legs were going to collapse under me they hurt so bad. UGH! this is not the time. i finally decide to become some-what physically active and my legs start to hate me for it. frustration is leaking out of my head.

sorry i haven't blogged lately. i'm avoiding it, honestly. i'm feeling somewhat better, and i don't want to jinx it. :) i'm on no meds...just some melatonin at night. (which is working WONDERS by the way....i've been drinking a bit more, so maybe it's the combination of those things. i don't care what it is, i'm sleeping.) i'm still having dreams, but it's not near like it was. horrah!

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately. i know i'm in a crucial time in my life, a time when i'll grow and change and be molded into who/what i will be the rest of my life. it's a sensitive and vulnerable time, and i'm very aware of that. [[some days i want to just spread my wings and fly away.]] i feel things that are so true and vivid. i see color and beauty in things i didn't notice before. [cliche...but aren't most things?] i'm still pretty friend-less. but it doesn't scare me. i drink more at night, but i laugh more during the day. i kiss my husband on purpose. [and with purpose] i haven't talked to my dad in a month, and that's ok. because i'm not reverting to the normal "me" who would have called him 2 days later and been "normal" and "ok". let's do more of "this". ok, "done". and the whole god thing? that's another post. it's so complicated. yes, i believe. yes, i want to model my life that way. yes, i want to raise my children that way. "that way" being christian. BUT, that old church of christ stuff that was slammed down my throat all my life, NO THANK YOU. and for those of you cocers (hahahah) out there, oh please just think about it before you slam it. ok? ok. it's painful. and it burns. and it pushes people away. OH THAT'S ANOTHER POST, HILARY. i don't even want to go there right now. it makes me all firey inside. thanks for trying to make me someone i wasn't, and for trying to shove me in a box i never will fit into. seriously, i'm done.

ok. i'm going to go watch the office and be completely brainless until bedtime. i'll pick this up later. i'm losing my train of thought. but i'm feeling better. relief, relief, relief. be happy for me. :)