just stop

i deleted my twitter account.

i'm tired of people whispering around me and making sure there's enough padding and protection around me. because oh, i'm so fragile, i just might break. well, please, direct it to me. i'm obviously strong enough to go through all i have. i'm just now going insane. this has been going on for 6 years people. rape. teen pregnancy. less than 24 hours away from having an abortion. kicked out of my high school. graduated 5 months pregnant while everyone else went to college. being in love with someone else who didn't know it. parents said to give the baby up for adoption or i'd have to move out. nathan's parents said they wanted the baby for themselves if we didn't want it. watched my parents fall apart around me. went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and grandmother who told me i had to wear an off  white gown. said she wouldn't come if i wore white. yes, my christian, missionary, preacher's wife, elders wife, hospitable, christian grandmother. i had to go to a different church while i was pregnant. my mother asked me not to go out in the front yard, but to come and go from the back. that was 'for my protection'. the day of aidan's birth was the 2nd worst day in my life. the 1st was my wedding day. i can't even begin to describe it. i will eventually, but i'm all shaky and weepy again. i moved to college station not knowing a single soul, cried for 3 months because i felt so deserted. found out i was pregnant, cried for 9 more months. waitressed the whole time. and took care of my little family that i didn't want. i didn't want any of this. where did my life go? oh that's right. i've been back and forth on meds, not on meds, haven't found a friend here yet. we've been here 3 and a half years. it's mostly my fault, yes. so don't whisper. don't watch what you say. don't try to protect me. because i've gone through all that shit and i'm still here. so just stop it.

nothing is what i thought it would be. nothing is right. nothing is what i wanted. terrible, huh?