void

i got out of bed at 3pm today.

was looking forward to spending (much needed) time with a friend...until i got stood up.

my dad left this afternoon, but mom decided to stay a few days. for good reason i suppose. i'm hardly functioning. at home anyway.

i had the worst nightmare i've had in weeks last night.

i'm slowly getting down off the wellbutrin. i think my body is trying to die.

if all you see is griping, i apologize. it's a really low time for me, and it's truly all i feel. and i don't express these feelings to anyone but nathan, so they get spit out on the internet for all of you. most of who i barely know.

i just want to be happy, i just want to have a good day, i just want to have a day without tears and desperation. i want to enjoy spending time with my kids, i want to feel hope.

void. everything is void.

wine

so my parents are coming down tomorrow. just to take the boys to the park. incredible? YES.

i'm getting off the wellbutrin and making an appointment with a psychiatrist.

i went out with someone i admire and had the best time i've had in a LONG time. and drank half a bottle of wine. and it was just incredible. i need a friend like that. too bad they're moving in may. i think i may cry.

i'm on my second glass of wine for the night.

i worked out for 2 and a half hours today.

i think i might actually do the body step instructor thing.

i'm having doubts.

bulletproof weeks

i can't breathe.

it is the opinion of my psychologist and my dad that i should get off all medication.

i'm going to need a barf bag and a box of kleenex.

listening to some mad hope by matt nathanson isn't the best choice.

just stop

i deleted my twitter account.

i'm tired of people whispering around me and making sure there's enough padding and protection around me. because oh, i'm so fragile, i just might break. well, please, direct it to me. i'm obviously strong enough to go through all i have. i'm just now going insane. this has been going on for 6 years people. rape. teen pregnancy. less than 24 hours away from having an abortion. kicked out of my high school. graduated 5 months pregnant while everyone else went to college. being in love with someone else who didn't know it. parents said to give the baby up for adoption or i'd have to move out. nathan's parents said they wanted the baby for themselves if we didn't want it. watched my parents fall apart around me. went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and grandmother who told me i had to wear an off  white gown. said she wouldn't come if i wore white. yes, my christian, missionary, preacher's wife, elders wife, hospitable, christian grandmother. i had to go to a different church while i was pregnant. my mother asked me not to go out in the front yard, but to come and go from the back. that was 'for my protection'. the day of aidan's birth was the 2nd worst day in my life. the 1st was my wedding day. i can't even begin to describe it. i will eventually, but i'm all shaky and weepy again. i moved to college station not knowing a single soul, cried for 3 months because i felt so deserted. found out i was pregnant, cried for 9 more months. waitressed the whole time. and took care of my little family that i didn't want. i didn't want any of this. where did my life go? oh that's right. i've been back and forth on meds, not on meds, haven't found a friend here yet. we've been here 3 and a half years. it's mostly my fault, yes. so don't whisper. don't watch what you say. don't try to protect me. because i've gone through all that shit and i'm still here. so just stop it.

nothing is what i thought it would be. nothing is right. nothing is what i wanted. terrible, huh?

weepy

today was horrific. i cried 40% of the day. yelled at the kids about 20% of it. and the rest was spent in a reclusive state in the corner. i feel sorry for my kids. how do people get through this stuff? prayer? alcohol? friends? not much is helping. just bad day.

well i am praying. and screaming. and listening to music that expresses feelings in words i couldn't find. and drinking wine. (after the kids are in bed...come on.) the friends thing is lacking. only because i feel like such a bother to the ones i do have. who are nathan's friends. therefore concerned with school and school. and don't understand a weepy, emotional, female.

ever wish you could evaporate?

excrement

blah what a day. i've done nothing productive today. wtf is with this medicine? i'm this close to stopping it all together. that would be a disaster. more of a disaster than my current state? i think not.

aidan gets in the car and tells me his teachers wanted him to learn about cowboys and cowgirls, but he didn't want to, so he learned about airplanes. i asked him who was teaching him about airplanes. he said 'my own self. in my head'. so he's either daydreaming or insane. maybe both. then he proceeded to tell me about all the different kinds of airplanes he learned about. fire airplanes, spaceships, fire spaceships, little airplanes, big airplanes, blue airplanes, airplanes that carry a hundred people, airplanes that don't carry people, fire airplanes that carry lots of people, rocket ships, fire rocket ships.....his list went for at least 2 minutes. he's learning about airplanes because his daddy is learning about airplanes at school. sweetness. then he gets home and we have this conversation:

aidan: mom, my hands smell like poop today.
me: ok, here's the hand sanitizer. (yep..too lazy to get up and take him to the bathroom)
aidan: is this what gets the smell off? and the germs? like when you stick your hands in poop? this gets it all off?
me: did you stick your hands in poop?
aidan: a little
me: ok. get another squirt of hand sanitizer and go watch your movie.

 what?! ew.

oliver was in undies this morning but after peeing on the kitchen floor, his bedroom floor, and into one of his trains, i decided it was a day for diapers. both of my children are having excrement problems. 

meanwhile, my house is a mess, i haven't showered in 2 days, and i haven't eaten anything today. unless you count the fruit roll up and cherry coke for lunch. i'm just not hungry. again, damn this medicine. so i'm downloading some music on the internet (nathan suggested i stop talking about illegal things i've done on the internet. he's probably right.) and i will take a shower asap. good thing yall are far away. i guess i should take care of myself a bit better. i did paint my nails earlier. 

 such sadness.

peanut butter m&ms

how is it that i'm already feeling guilty for saying what i want to say? i feel selfish. and weak.

today was hard with the boys. they were good, it's me. i swear, my patience is wafer thin. i so want to be carefree and fun with them. i did play unicorns today. aidan's new favorite game. we walked around on all fours and pretended to have knights on our backs that battled it out. he's so odd. and so creative.

anyway. just feeling guilty about the first post. dumb. i'm watching house online. actually i'm re-watching house online. because i've seen all the episodes. i haven't cleaned a single thing in my house today. and i had a hot pocket, peanut butter m&ms, and pudding for dinner. i don't have anything else to say about today. i'm just trying to add another post so the first one isn't so daunting.

stripped

ahhhhh finally. i can say what i REALLY want to say. and i don't have to update you on my life. because you've read and stayed with me since i started revealing the darker parts of my life. i'm not adding my family to this blog, for multiple reasons. one of those being, i want to talk about them sometimes, but can't. because i get phone calls or emails if i do. another reason is because i've already been deemed the black sheep, the one "off the trail" and i'm just tired of it. who wouldn't be. i'm not crazy, i'm NORMAL. didn't realize it until i got out of there. i love my family. but there's a reason they're kept at a distance from me. from this.

the medicine has been making me feel like shit. for the past 4 or 5 days i've been super dizzy. if i turn my head too fast i feel like i'm going to vomit. if i stand up from sitting i get one of those things...it goes black for a second then there's that really intense headache. nathan says low blood pressure. and i cry, then laugh, feel hopeless, then indestructible. i can't sleep, unless i take medicine. doctor says push through. counselor says quit if it's not better in a week. the next step is going back to no medicine. it was horrible then, but at least i could feel.
while having 300mg of wellbutrin and 40mg of celexa in my system, bad moments are BAD. had a date with an exacto knife a few times. no intent of suicide. nothing crazy like that. but when you feel so bad inside, it only makes sense to want to distract and feel something, anything, somewhere besides your heart. it releases those feelings screaming to get out.

i'm taking my ipod and my energetic children to the park. it's sunny and perfect outside. mondays are nathan's long days. actually, every day is a long day. class wise, this is the longest though. i'm thankful for college station's parks.

thank you for wanting to be a part of this blog. it means a lot to know that people are reading it and interested in my less than thrilling life.