today started out as a bad day.
mark was up at 5:15 getting ready for work, and out the door by 6:30. he came in to say goodbye to me and i was laying there awake. he knew something was wrong and asked if i was having a bad day, to which i shrugged. he sighed a heavy and long sigh and went to work. i sent him a text at 7:06 that read, 'i can't get out of bed'. i layed there, mind racing, body rested and ready for the day, but mentally unwilling to move.
i forced my mind to allow my body to move and sloppily rolled out of bed, pulled on the shirt and boxers mark had worn the night before. it gives me such comfort to smell him so close to me. i greeted the kids and bronx then flopped on the couch and pulled the blanket up to my eyes. girl child two asked if i had a headache, to which i simply shook my head yes. boy child three brought me a hot cup of coffee and snuggled up next to me with his mis-matched pj's and goofy spongebob slippers. i fed the boys breakfast and shooed them upstairs to play until school.
i blankly stared at the morning news, not absorbing a word of it. i sipped my coffee and kept checking my phone to see how many minutes until i could send the three school going kids outside to wait for the bus. i called them down, hugged and kissed them, and sent them out. i sent the boy in spongebob slippers upstairs to watch netflix and told him i'd be napping if he needed me. i put the pup in his kennel next to my bed and had the big puffy white comforter up over my head by the time the bus pulled up to our house.
i let my mind wander and spin until i dozed off. i dreamt my usual vivid and bizarre dreams. no bad dreams this morning, just dreams of finding money unexpectedly. i usually dream of proposals, and carefree, quiet, precious time with my lover. it's either that or demons, blood thirsty murderers ready to slice my body, being separated from my kids, drowning in deep murky water, or rape and humiliation. i understand why i have the good ones, because those truly are my dreams. the bad ones are just torments from my blessing of a cursed creative mind that always has a dark undertone.
my body and mind passed in and out of sleep while i listened to the same song on repeat. this week it's endlessly by green river ordinance. i've never been so enamoured with another human being. i love him with every cell in my body and every ounce of my heart. he is the days i can't get over, he is the nights that i call home, endlessly, for him i'll always wait.
i got up around 11 and headed outside to look at my flowers. they're blooming so beautifully and i absolutely love watching my yard come to life day by day. i got dressed, and got out of the house. before i knew it, kids were coming home from school and i had a million things to do before dinner. i managed to get them all done, and settled down with my girls to watch how to lose a guy in 10 days with a glass of wine and my projects laid all over the floor, and had to blink a few times to remember that this dream of a life is mine. how lucky am i?! i got everyone cuddled in bed and can't wait to do the same.
today was a victory. it started at 7:06am with my desperate text expressing the darkness of my state of mind, it started with me looking down the barrel of a tuesday with mark at work and several tasks to fulfill. for a second or two i wondered if i'd make it. it's now 9:50pm, and i've had a good day. i've managed to turn it around. i'm mentally exhausted from going round and round with myself, i'm physically exhausted from forced activity, but i'm smiling. i'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. and that's all that matters. living with this disease is crippling and an absolute battle daily, but i still come out swinging. i love my family, i love my life.
love.
love.
love.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
post script
i should have tacked this on at the end of last night's post. just wanted to add that while i was very hurt by my parents' actions (or lack there of) in this situation, they are human just like the rest of us and handled it in the way they thought was best for everyone involved. they've made mistakes by me, but at the same time they have done a million things right. i love them very much and have let it go. they are making big steps in accepting me and my "new" life. i applaud, admire and love them always.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
farewell, so long
saturday june 12, 2004 i was raped.
me: braces, black tank top, jean shorts, curly unruly hair. virgin. 17.
him: grey t-shirt, khaki shorts, skinny. predator. 26.
his parents threw a baby shower for me in july of 1986. he's in the videos. his parents and mine were close friends. he attended acu (the university where my dad is a professor), and graduated in may of 2004. for those years he was in school, my mother and i would bake cookies every midterm and finals week then hand deliver them to a select few on campus, him being our last stop. his visits always took the longest. he was funny, sweet, full of stories, and i may have had a small 'big brother' crush on him. my parents invited him to sunday lunch after church a few times a semester. i always looked forward to it, because he would come in and play our piano with a talent i'd never seen. he bought me the brand new avril lavigne cd that was coming out because he saw all the posters of her i had in my room. plus, he had the funniest stories of life i'd ever heard. he had girlfriends off and on and was engaged for a year or so of his school time.
at his graduation in may, i dressed as cute as possible for the party at spaghetti warehouse in the mall of abilene later that day. i went to his table and gave him a hug and he slipped me a receipt with his number and email address on it, telling me to stay in touch. i emailed him a few days later, just asking how life in dallas was and how he was doing. we emailed back and forth a few times, and he told me he was coming to abilene to see friends in june and that i should come see him. i happily agreed.
june 12th. i took my SATs that day at the acu campus. once i was done, i was headed to my best friend's house for the weekend. i asked her to drop me by his room at the comfort inn, (where my wedding guests would later stay) and that i would call her when i needed to be picked up. with me i took a photo album of my best friends and my yearbook. i wanted to show him my friends and world. i was excited to see him, the cute older brother i'd never had, but had been in my life since i knew it.
little did i know, he'd made other plans. he had brought with him lingerie, a condom on a lollipop stick, tealight candles for the tub, and a few 'toys'. when he brought out the lingerie suggesting i put it on, my heart flipped. i knew this was wrong. i knew i had to leave. but i couldn't. he didn't use any weapons, but made it clear i could not leave. it took years of therapy to accept the fact that i did all i could. because i could have fought harder, but couldn't. just because i couldn't. because he told me i couldn't go. so i didn't. i called my friend to tell her he'd take me home that night, no big deal.
he raped me at 4:17pm. he ordered pizza for us around 6. forced me into a bath with him around 8. took me home the next morning, dropped me off in the alley behind my house while my parents were at church, around 9am. 17 hours of absolute disgrace and violation.
i told no one, besides mythankfully ex-husband, until 2007. that's when i started seeking counseling for it. i so wanted to tell my parents. it took months of prep for me to tell them. and i regret it. they did the absolute opposite of what i expected. they came to his defense. my dad met him, his father, and an elder in a dallas starbucks one sunday afternoon. i never got to hear what was said, except the fact that he said it was consensual. they never spoke of it again. my mother, months later, even told me about a run in they had with his family and how changed he was.
i promise you if any one of these 5 kids comes to me with a story like that, the motherfucker better be hiding in a ditch because that is not tolerable in any form, and i will protect them at all costs. i will bear my teeth and throw myself over them any day. it was almost as painful as the rape itself, as to how my parents responded to it. it reopened so many wounds and hurts, i felt so abandoned.
i took a bath last december for the first time since then. 7 and a half years later. i did it alone, because it was something i needed to conquer on my own. mark was at work. i filled my wine glass, filled the tub, and stepped in. i felt nauseous and couldn't even force myself to sit in it. i drained it, sucked down my wine, cried, and tried again. so determined to not let him control me anymore. i filled my glass again, filled my tub again, got in, and eventually ended up laying down in there for an hour. i took pictures to celebrate my victory and felt absolutely liberated.
if that bastard ever sets foot in my sights again, i swear to you i'll knee him in his tiny little balls so hard he'll never walk right again. but if he doesn't, i'm going on. happy. not letting that experience hamper my sexual or intimate relationship with mark ever again. i'll go on, knowing i did nothing wrong, knowing i can sleep at night, and hoping he can't. and i will forever hold up my middle finger to him, hoping he goes and fucks himself. because he's the one who took my innocence from me. i never gave it to him, he took it. but i'm stronger for it. i'm free of it.
finally.
me: braces, black tank top, jean shorts, curly unruly hair. virgin. 17.
him: grey t-shirt, khaki shorts, skinny. predator. 26.
his parents threw a baby shower for me in july of 1986. he's in the videos. his parents and mine were close friends. he attended acu (the university where my dad is a professor), and graduated in may of 2004. for those years he was in school, my mother and i would bake cookies every midterm and finals week then hand deliver them to a select few on campus, him being our last stop. his visits always took the longest. he was funny, sweet, full of stories, and i may have had a small 'big brother' crush on him. my parents invited him to sunday lunch after church a few times a semester. i always looked forward to it, because he would come in and play our piano with a talent i'd never seen. he bought me the brand new avril lavigne cd that was coming out because he saw all the posters of her i had in my room. plus, he had the funniest stories of life i'd ever heard. he had girlfriends off and on and was engaged for a year or so of his school time.
at his graduation in may, i dressed as cute as possible for the party at spaghetti warehouse in the mall of abilene later that day. i went to his table and gave him a hug and he slipped me a receipt with his number and email address on it, telling me to stay in touch. i emailed him a few days later, just asking how life in dallas was and how he was doing. we emailed back and forth a few times, and he told me he was coming to abilene to see friends in june and that i should come see him. i happily agreed.
june 12th. i took my SATs that day at the acu campus. once i was done, i was headed to my best friend's house for the weekend. i asked her to drop me by his room at the comfort inn, (where my wedding guests would later stay) and that i would call her when i needed to be picked up. with me i took a photo album of my best friends and my yearbook. i wanted to show him my friends and world. i was excited to see him, the cute older brother i'd never had, but had been in my life since i knew it.
little did i know, he'd made other plans. he had brought with him lingerie, a condom on a lollipop stick, tealight candles for the tub, and a few 'toys'. when he brought out the lingerie suggesting i put it on, my heart flipped. i knew this was wrong. i knew i had to leave. but i couldn't. he didn't use any weapons, but made it clear i could not leave. it took years of therapy to accept the fact that i did all i could. because i could have fought harder, but couldn't. just because i couldn't. because he told me i couldn't go. so i didn't. i called my friend to tell her he'd take me home that night, no big deal.
he raped me at 4:17pm. he ordered pizza for us around 6. forced me into a bath with him around 8. took me home the next morning, dropped me off in the alley behind my house while my parents were at church, around 9am. 17 hours of absolute disgrace and violation.
i told no one, besides my
i promise you if any one of these 5 kids comes to me with a story like that, the motherfucker better be hiding in a ditch because that is not tolerable in any form, and i will protect them at all costs. i will bear my teeth and throw myself over them any day. it was almost as painful as the rape itself, as to how my parents responded to it. it reopened so many wounds and hurts, i felt so abandoned.
i took a bath last december for the first time since then. 7 and a half years later. i did it alone, because it was something i needed to conquer on my own. mark was at work. i filled my wine glass, filled the tub, and stepped in. i felt nauseous and couldn't even force myself to sit in it. i drained it, sucked down my wine, cried, and tried again. so determined to not let him control me anymore. i filled my glass again, filled my tub again, got in, and eventually ended up laying down in there for an hour. i took pictures to celebrate my victory and felt absolutely liberated.
if that bastard ever sets foot in my sights again, i swear to you i'll knee him in his tiny little balls so hard he'll never walk right again. but if he doesn't, i'm going on. happy. not letting that experience hamper my sexual or intimate relationship with mark ever again. i'll go on, knowing i did nothing wrong, knowing i can sleep at night, and hoping he can't. and i will forever hold up my middle finger to him, hoping he goes and fucks himself. because he's the one who took my innocence from me. i never gave it to him, he took it. but i'm stronger for it. i'm free of it.
finally.
Friday, April 6, 2012
how can you say that your truth is better than ours?
one of the questions i've been asked recently is this, "the children are too young for atheist views..." this coming from someone who hasn't spent a day in our home with our children seeing how we parent. if that's the case, can i pose this question? are they too young for christian views? easily enough for them, christianity is taught to young children through stories from the old testament (aka really old and worn out fairy tales), so children undoubtedly grasp onto these stories and then tend to fall in line with the rest of them until somewhere around high school. then, they start to ask questions and doubt the validity of this thing, this book, this "god" who has somehow become what their lives have been all about (and what every action, word, and thought should be about..), but whom they have never seen, heard, or felt. noah's ark? really? i'd like to introduce the rickey gervais' version of noah's ark...
he's brilliant.
ok so back to the point of how we're raising our kids. pretty sure you can all guess how i was raised. everything was church, god, fear, jesus, foofoo, or some shit. that's a whole other story. one my therapist knows quite well. mark was raised in an indifferent home. his parents believed in god, but never pushed church on him. mythankfully ex-husband was raised in a christian home, just not quite as stringent as mine. he didn't have a personal preference as to how we raised the kids, either. i was the driving force to go to church the 4 years we were married. plus, given his lack of interest in the bringing up of his children, and the custody order that gives me the full benefit of raising them in whatever religious/non-religious way i like, i march ahead with what i think is best for the kids. mark's late wife believed in god, and attended church from time to time, but felt that it wasn't a necessary thing to participate in weekly. to her, it was more of a supportive and social network of friends. (MOPS groups, etc)
so we meet in the middle. we're raising our kids to be free thinkers.
Freethought is a philosophical viewpoint that holds opinions should be formed on the basis of science, logic, and reason, and should not be influenced by authority, tradition, or other dogmas. thanks wikipedia.
oliver is currently in a mother's day out program at a baptist church, the same one jake went to for 2 years. he comes home with all sorts of biblical coloring pages. our response every time is, "great job coloring oliver!" and when he came home with all his easter memorabilia, and his stories of jesus' resurrection, my response was, "that's what some people believe. other people don't. and it's ok either way!"
we don't go to church, we don't pray, we don't read bible stories at night. we also don't hold seances, devil worship, or dress up in devil suits and chase the kids around with pitchforks. we do, however, expect our children to respect others, tell the truth, honor authority figures, use manners, be humble, and to be grateful for everything they have been afforded in this life. when it comes to issues of the world, such as love, loss, hurt, and unfairness, we teach them reality. love is hard. loss is painful. hurt is a reality. unfairness is everywhere. in that, we teach them to love carefully, process loss, manage hurt, and accept unfairness. we are trying to prepare them for this world. we also show them how amazing life can be. these kids have collectively lost three significant parents in their lives. they'll never forget any of those special people in their lives. we threw them into this crazy, busy, loud family of 7, with our relationship just as young and new as theirs. and guess what?! they're happy. life is fun, sunshine is good, growing up is hard. at the end of the day, though, this is our family. we stand together.
we don't talk religion to the kids, we take an indifferent approach for now. if any of them were to decide to start going to church, we'd be more than happy to take them every sunday. if they are curious about our views, we'll tell them without hesitation. just out of curiosity as to where they all stood in their young little lives, i took a little survey this morning. i asked each one independently and reassured them there was no pressure, no big deal. here's how it turned out.
girl child one (12 ((one week from today anyway)) )
he's brilliant.
ok so back to the point of how we're raising our kids. pretty sure you can all guess how i was raised. everything was church, god, fear, jesus, foofoo, or some shit. that's a whole other story. one my therapist knows quite well. mark was raised in an indifferent home. his parents believed in god, but never pushed church on him. my
so we meet in the middle. we're raising our kids to be free thinkers.
Freethought is a philosophical viewpoint that holds opinions should be formed on the basis of science, logic, and reason, and should not be influenced by authority, tradition, or other dogmas. thanks wikipedia.
oliver is currently in a mother's day out program at a baptist church, the same one jake went to for 2 years. he comes home with all sorts of biblical coloring pages. our response every time is, "great job coloring oliver!" and when he came home with all his easter memorabilia, and his stories of jesus' resurrection, my response was, "that's what some people believe. other people don't. and it's ok either way!"
we don't go to church, we don't pray, we don't read bible stories at night. we also don't hold seances, devil worship, or dress up in devil suits and chase the kids around with pitchforks. we do, however, expect our children to respect others, tell the truth, honor authority figures, use manners, be humble, and to be grateful for everything they have been afforded in this life. when it comes to issues of the world, such as love, loss, hurt, and unfairness, we teach them reality. love is hard. loss is painful. hurt is a reality. unfairness is everywhere. in that, we teach them to love carefully, process loss, manage hurt, and accept unfairness. we are trying to prepare them for this world. we also show them how amazing life can be. these kids have collectively lost three significant parents in their lives. they'll never forget any of those special people in their lives. we threw them into this crazy, busy, loud family of 7, with our relationship just as young and new as theirs. and guess what?! they're happy. life is fun, sunshine is good, growing up is hard. at the end of the day, though, this is our family. we stand together.
we don't talk religion to the kids, we take an indifferent approach for now. if any of them were to decide to start going to church, we'd be more than happy to take them every sunday. if they are curious about our views, we'll tell them without hesitation. just out of curiosity as to where they all stood in their young little lives, i took a little survey this morning. i asked each one independently and reassured them there was no pressure, no big deal. here's how it turned out.
girl child one (12 ((one week from today anyway)) )
- do you believe in god?
- no
- why?
- i don't know
- what happens when you die?
- you go to heaven. well, only the good people.
- are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
- yes and yes
- why?
- because i know that's the right thing to do
- do you believe in god?
- sort of, no. like 80 percent no.
- why?
- because sometimes i wish for stuff and it does happen, but sometimes i wish for stuff and it doesn't happen
- what happens to you when you die?
- you go to heaven
- who decides that?
- the people at the funeral
- are you nice to others? do you listen and obey adults?
- yes, of course
- why?
- because it's the kind thing to do
- do you believe in god?
- yes
- why?
- i don't know
- what happens when you die?
- you go to a grave and then to heaven if you're good
- are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
- i try to, i try to
- why?
- because i just want to be a good person and be good
- do you believe in god?
- yes
- why?
- because then people wouldn't be made
- what happens to you when you die?
- you get buried
- do you think that after you're buried you go to heaven?
- no, you're just buried and they give you flowers
- are you nice to others? do you obey adults?
- yes, yes
- why?
- i just know what's good and bad
- do you believe in god?
- yes
- why?
- because the bible says he's real
- what happens to you when you die?
- you go to heaven
- everyone goes to heaven?
- yes, everyone, even the bad guys
- are you nice to others? do you listen and obey adults?
- yes, yes
- why?
- because i want to be nice to friends so i don't get in trouble
- do you believe in god?
- no
- why?
- i've seen a lot of bad things around the world and on this job, and no one, no "god", would allow some (if not ANY) of those things to happen
- what to you believe happens to you when you die?
- death to me is life before birth, you don't remember or feel anything before birth and that is death
- are you a good person? do you try to do right by people? do you respect authorities? why?
- i am a great person. i fought for this country and its rights to believe or not believe whatever one chooses. i risk my life every third day at work for people i don't even know. it doesn't matter to me what they believe or don't believe, it's not my job to judge them. it's my job to save them, and be there for them in their time of crisis.
- do you believe in god?
- nope
- why?
- because the whole "god" thing makes no sense to me
- what happens to you when you die?
- worm food
- are you nice to others? do you respect authorities? do you generally try to do right by people?
- i pay my taxes, i return the carts to the cart spot no matter what, even if it's pouring outside, i put others before myself
- why?
- because i'm not a douche
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
up down up down up down
up down up down up down. this week has been up and down more times than i can even attempt to count.
body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)
hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.
parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.
girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.
as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!
up down up down up down.
spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.
this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.
i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.
i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off, started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.
thankfully, i am now free.
body-wise: mark and i started a new diet, and started taking hcg injections. i can't wait to reveal the finished product to yall complete with before and after photos, diet details, and if i end up cheating, i swear i'll be honest and tell you. we started the injections a week ago tomorrow. so in this loooong six days, mark has lost 14lbs (screw men, right?!) and i've lost 4lbs. BUT i will say i've seen a gigantic change in my inches! hello size 2 daisy dukes ;) sadly, though, that means goodbye c cup boobs. oh well. those can be replaced. i will say, the hardest thing so far is a tie between saturday and yesterday. saturday mark was working and the kids decided to race to see who could make me cry first, and i had to resist the intense urge to chug some tequila. yesterday i was absolutely ravenous and i had to go to walmart to get peanut butter. i had to walk by the cupcakes, the bread, the fruit, and the chips. then stand in a line for 20 minutes staring at twix bars and dr pepper. i even wanted to gnaw at the screaming child in the cart behind me. but i didn't. i came home and drank even MORE water. so pat on the back for me. i'm turning down liquor, twix, and dr pepper. that's how bad i want to look good naked. mark says so far so good. :)
hair-wise: well a few weeks ago i thought, "hey! i'm gonna go to great clips and get a trim...they can't mess it up that bad, right? plus it'll cost $10 instead of $40!" wrong. wrong, oh so wrong. pretty sure i told her what i wanted, and she did the complete opposite while telling me her life story including how she should just quit her job and get on state benefits because her ex is a deadbeat. i just kind of looked at her and agreed every once in a while, all the while cringing and ready to bolt. there was no saving my hair at that point. disappointed and pissed at my hack job, i thought; "what the hell?! lets bleach it for the summer! how much worse could it get?" worse. oh so worse. it turned orange. which i knew would happen. i'm not sure why i even attempted it. once again, trying to save that money! i managed to get it to a brownish mustardish color, and have left it alone since then. i've spent the past few weeks hating the mirror, sleeping in conditioning masks, and using zero heat on it. today, it will be chopped and hopefully put back to a normal color. life lesson number 5,632,964. just pay the money for the hair.
parenting-wise: i'll just start at the top and go down. girl child one will be twelve in less than 2 weeks. which means she's starting to test out this new found attitude she's found somewhere deep within herself. we had a stand off, over the condition of her hair of all things, on sunday. and there she sat, arms crossed, teeth gritted, eyes burning holes in her toes hoping we'd disappear. oh yes, i remember that feeling. we won, but i have a feeling we'll have quite a few of these stand offs in the next several years. i was so grateful when i had boys, because i knew if i had a girl i was in for it. i'd be cursed for all the shit i did to my parents when i was a teenager. (and i mean the NORMAL teenage shit. like attitude, slamming doors, sneaking out...not the other and completely abnormal teenage shit that cost me one family. like sex, pregnancy, and for-the-love trying to right all my wrongs. that's abnormal behavior, yall.) anyway, i thought i was in the clear. instead, i got the fast track to teenage daughter parenting. and in this case, i'm not just the step mom.
girl child two is 9 going on 19. no attitude in sight. thank god. i do appreciate the fuzzy legs and bruised shins that remind me she's not about to go jump in my truck and drive off to meet her BFFs.
as far as the boys go, they pretty much go from terrorizing us to being the cutest and sweetest little boys ever. up down up down. i love them all, but dammit. this parenting stuff doesn't quit, does it?!
up down up down up down.
spent an hour folded up in my lovers arms two nights ago crying and sobbing. he held me and let me be angry, sad, full of emotion, hopeless, and empty all at the same time. he wiped away my tears and just held me. that's all i needed. he's learned not to ask what's wrong, because i never know. i just know how i feel. and there's hardly any logical explanations for how you feel. especially when it's so up down up down up down.
this disease isn't fair. it takes from my happiness. it steals me from my lover. it hides me from my children. i've learned it's tricks, it's games. i've learned the signs, even the smallest hints of an attack. not sure if that's better or worse than not knowing, not sensing.
i can never (anymore) say, "i don't know what hit me, i don't know why i did that, i don't know what came over me." i do know, and i see it coming. so i brace, and i plant my feet to the ground. i warn others around me. then i wait. it's like weather. sometimes i'll predict a severe thunderstorm and get 5 minutes of rain. sometimes i'll predict a partly cloudy day and get a tornado. other times i'm dead on. hurricane. after it's over, i breathe and survey the damage. then i stand up and put my boxing gloves back on and face life head on, once again, with hopeful optimism. because that's what i do. i'm not a quitter, i'm stubborn, i'm strong, and i love my life WAY too fucking much to let some silly chemical imbalance take it over. it's my life.
i'm not naive enough to think that it will ever go away. no matter how much i medicate, no matter how much i pray or don't pray. i spent years praying, pleading, and quietly managing it all while trying to put on a face of normalcy. it was a shameful thing, not to be spoken of. now that i'm not afraid of a fairy in the sky or a group of men in suits every sunday morning, i'm facing it. and managing it better than ever, and with more support than ever. it doesn't define me, it doesn't control me, and i'm not ashamed of who i am. so i got up off my knees, dusted myself off, started using my head and eyes instead of relying on mr. fairy to blindly guide me through my life solely on faith. fairies and faith got me through a lot in my life.
thankfully, i am now free.
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