closer

and here i sit.

somehow in the past year and a half i've transformed into someone i never thought i could be. i went to EMT school last fall, and am as of january 6th, a certified EMT-IV for the state of tennessee. not sure where that came from, but it was empowering. and interesting. and just all out amazing. no job yet, but i'm hoping to start somewhere part time very soon and try to figure out if this is really what i want...if it is i'll continue onto paramedic school...which would be an amazing accomplishment should i complete it.

i went through my blog and decided to make it public because this is me. i'm not ashamed or too proud to admit i have a disease. i have trouble coping with day to day life. i can only hope i can give someone else hope. i was absolutely miserable a few years ago, but here.i.sit. happy. healthy. plus it's an incredibly awesome outlet for me. judge me, know me, love me, hate me. whatever.

so as of now i'm only on 40mg/day prozac. mark will tell you quicker than i will that i still have bad days. or bad hours. or bad minutes. my doctor wanted me to go onto a psychiatrist, but i've heard that before. and i just can't do the medicine dance. i'd rather feel human and deal with my emotions than be drugged out of my life. i'm doing better than i have...well....ever. and i have mark to thank just as much as anyone/anything else. he's my rock.

i love being home with the kids...ashlee is now 11 (12 in 2 months!), kait is 9, aidan is 6, jake is 5 (6 in a week!), and oliver is 4. our puppy joey is now 8 months and 90 pounds. love his great dane ass. but i gotta start working...a family of 8 on a firefighter's salary is pretty much a game of russian roulette every bill cycle.

my ex-husband (nathan) is no help. his turn is coming soon.

my family hasn't gotten any more sane. have had no contact from my family that lives within 30 minutes of me...the only family relationship i have is with my parents. who continue to process and try to accept my life. as far as i'm concerned they've done amazing. i've now come out as atheist (i might as well said i have sex with animals on the weekends for money), but my parents have really been as accepting as they can be. much more than i thought they could be. as far as the rest of my family...they're scared/mystified/angry/blinded...shocker. i'm hoping one day they can see past the "hilary-has-sex-with-animals-and-is-an-ATHEIST" thing eventually. but i'm really thinking it won't happen. my brother got married in november and i went back to texas to be a part of it...of course the family was there. they pretty much avoided me like the plague, and i heard quotes like "oh, i hope she behaves!"...which made me want to get crazy and do something predictably psychotic. but i didn't. because i'm an adult. not sure what they are. oh wait. they're christians.

but oh well. i love my life. i love my mark and our 5 spastic kids. and one spastic pup. we have it pretty good. couldn't really wish for much more. other than, possibly, an engagement ring? haha guess i can wait on that one, too. 

oh it's hard to live the life you choose. but at least i chose it. i did. i chose it. we chose it. and we're happy.