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what a week of lows. my brain doesn't know it's christmas time, apparently. i find myself more and more losing grip of how to cope, how to function, how to breathe. it's a battle between my stubborn brain and screaming heart. i crave to be "normal". i have grandiose dreams of being supermom, of secret giggles and moments stolen with my lover, of days full of productivity and joy...but i'm all too often disappointed in my own ability to ruin it all. why can't i be that smiling, romantic, cheerful, sexy, funny girl in my visions? why must i be the bitter, stubborn, hateful,tired, mean spirited girl of my reality?  life isn't fair. this disease isn't fair.

it's utterly exhausting to have the harsh reality hit me in the face every.single.day. that this is what i'll be dealing with my entire life. this neverending battle of meds, moods, and shit. for the entirety of my life. i don't understand the purpose of this curse, of this disease, other than god had nothing better to do the day he created me. (ha) "hey, i'm gonna make this chick fucked up the rest of her life and cause her, and everyone around her, and endless supply of pain!" thanks, "god".

i need a good day. i know i'll never escape this madness, but i've got to find a way to live with it, because everyone around me is suffering for no reason other than the fact that i'm stuck in their lives. i've experienced utter desperation more times in my short little life than anyone should have to. where is my break? where is my day? where is my light? oh life disease, what a horrible hand you've dealt me tonight. where is my freedom. where is my family's freedom. unfair unfair unfair.