living...honestly.

hold on if you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

i have found it. i have found that place of total comfort and love. so cliche but i feel like i'm literally tucked under a protective wing. i feel like i have someone surrounding every ounce of me, protecting me. and i can breathe. and i can rest. and oh how i needed it. it still feels new, but weirdly comfortable. i can say this, and mean it with 100% of my being...for the first. the FIRST. time in my life, i can be who i truly am. i'm not stuffed in a box. there are no boundaries, just purely feeling out myself and who i am. and i'm embracing it. and love's embracing it. and it's absolutely incredible. how have i been missing this my entire life?! how did i ever survive? i don't know. all i know is it's still hard to live the life you choose.

my depression rears it's ugly head more than i'd like. more than i can control. love is all brand new to it, so i've realized how difficult it is to explain. how do you describe such a complex and scary thing? so i allude it to a cloud. a dark, heavy cloud that pushes into me on all sides and follows me everywhere. that creepy antidepressant commercial with the wind up doll? yeah that's actually pretty good. in order to do something as simple as get out of bed requires "winding up". i have to tell myself it's just a day and i'll get through it because i have to. because the clock moves no matter what. and i watch the day move by, however slowly. shamefully, as i sit here, i didn't shower today and am still in the pjs i put on last night. some days i have to rest and stop fighting.


my panic attacks have worsened lately, but i think that's just normal life stresses...my brain tends to overheat rather easily. i keep trying to get myself in my craft room to get working on things...but i put it off. i think i'm almost scared of it. some nights i just get in a funk and i feel like i have enough control to pull myself out of it, but i choose not to. because i'm scared. because it's almost easier to just let it take over. because it's all i've ever known.

other times it takes every ounce of strength, every thought must be directed, just to function.

and other times i can just soak up love, sunshine, life, and laughter. and be ok. which is incredible.

and still other times i can't stop crying. for no reason. and love holds me and pretends to be strong, even though i know fear is the overwhelming emotion. but i just can't speak. or breathe. and it hurts, physically hurts. and love hurts with me.

i'm not alone anymore. i'm admired. i'm held. i'm supported. i'm encouraged. i'm beautiful. i'm full. i'm whole. i'm me. love.

so as for now, i'm managing this roller coaster of an illness with walks in the sunshine, vitamins, acceptance, hugs, b12 shots, tears, healthy eating and living, and love. putting off getting on an antidepressant, but feeling it's impending doom.

i'll keep you posted. like i said, it's hard to live the life you choose, but what a wonderful ride it is. i wouldn't ever go back. this is living. this is love. this is incredible.