down

what a week of lows. my brain doesn't know it's christmas time, apparently. i find myself more and more losing grip of how to cope, how to function, how to breathe. it's a battle between my stubborn brain and screaming heart. i crave to be "normal". i have grandiose dreams of being supermom, of secret giggles and moments stolen with my lover, of days full of productivity and joy...but i'm all too often disappointed in my own ability to ruin it all. why can't i be that smiling, romantic, cheerful, sexy, funny girl in my visions? why must i be the bitter, stubborn, hateful,tired, mean spirited girl of my reality?  life isn't fair. this disease isn't fair.

it's utterly exhausting to have the harsh reality hit me in the face every.single.day. that this is what i'll be dealing with my entire life. this neverending battle of meds, moods, and shit. for the entirety of my life. i don't understand the purpose of this curse, of this disease, other than god had nothing better to do the day he created me. (ha) "hey, i'm gonna make this chick fucked up the rest of her life and cause her, and everyone around her, and endless supply of pain!" thanks, "god".

i need a good day. i know i'll never escape this madness, but i've got to find a way to live with it, because everyone around me is suffering for no reason other than the fact that i'm stuck in their lives. i've experienced utter desperation more times in my short little life than anyone should have to. where is my break? where is my day? where is my light? oh life disease, what a horrible hand you've dealt me tonight. where is my freedom. where is my family's freedom. unfair unfair unfair.

encouragement

i know i've been neglecting this blog for the past 5 months or so...but thank you for all the sweet and encouraging messages and emails. i love you all. i couldn't do it without you. love love love. thank you. yall are amazing.

bipolar disorder

It is very difficult to be around someone who is manic, because we are so mercurial; charming and entertaining one instant, then bitter and reproachful the next.

It is very difficult to be around someone who is depressed, because we are so volatile; smiling and seemingly stable one instant, then suicidal and absolutely hopeless the next.

So how difficult must it be for my family to deal with me, who is both manic and depressive? I can only begin to imagine the pain, uncertainty, and anger they must process on an hourly basis when I am around them.

On one level, I have 3 children who lost their mother to cancer at a young age. One of whom will never remember her. They had another woman come into their lives, pick up the pieces and raise them as her own for 3 years. She was taken from them because, as life would have it, she wasn't the one meant to be with their father. The gutwrenching task was given to him to, once again, inform his children they'd lost another mother. Then they get me. Manic depressive me. Even with out my illness, I'm not a very kid-friendly person. Not to mention, in the year I've been in their lives, I have yet to find my "balance", or any symbalance of a "normal" me.  Is that even a realitistic event that will ever occur in my life? I can only hope. All they want is a "normal" life. All they want is a mother, a family, and love. I give it my best shot, which to me feels like 100%. To them, it probably feels more like 10%. If only they could see the battles I fight every minute I'm awake. Then again, that's not for them to worry about, or know about. They are very reserved, and have walls of protection around their hearts. Who could ever blame them? That's not to say they are weak, because they are the strongest, most well-grounded children I've ever met. They understand life, death, love, and loss. That's not something every 11, 9 and 5 year old can say. Not even close.

On another level, I have 2 children who have  no walls, no boundaries, and love everyone the moment they meet them. I have to tell them, on a regular basis, that it means more to me when they only tell me they love me a handful of times a day rather than every 5 minutes. They force me to be affectionate, they demand constant reassurance of love. They may have "lost" their father out of their daily lives, but he was instantly replaced with a man who is more of a father to them than their actual father ever was. (The other 3 seem to have gotten the opposite deal, thanks to me) So those 2 didn't skip a beat. They did, however, suffer with me through the first 4 and 2 years of their lives. I layed on the couch for hours on end, and when I couldn't breathe from so many tears, they comforted me. I'll forever owe them my life, because if it weren't for them in those dark dark days, I wouldn't have had much of a reason to go on and pursue something better for them.

On the deepest, inner most level (as approximate to my heart), I have a partner. A man who scooped me up off the floor and held me until I could stand again. He continues to hold my hand as I learn to walk through this illness, through this maze that is my heart and mind. He was only aware of the tip of the iceburg when he asked me to be with him. I feel guilty about that sometimes; but in the back of my mind I know he would still choose me even if, on that first day, he knew all he knows today. I didn't ease him in, either. He came into our room one night to find me crumpled on the floor in agony. He was alarmed and confused, and I couldn't breathe long enough to explain, but he got on the floor with me and held me until it stopped. He is the only person in my life to not run from my illness. He doesn't pretend he doesn't see me when I'm hurting. He seeks me out, he takes away all my responsibilities, and makes me as comfotable as he can. He allows me every outlet he can afford me. He would do anything to help me. He spends hours researching my condition, coming up with coping mechanisims, and actively trying to understand me. He holds me when I cry, absorbs every second I smile, and never turns me away. It pains me, more than anything else, to see so much worry in his face when he looks at me sometimes. I have never known, or even heard of, a stronger man. Please hold out for me, my love, because I can't do this alone.

I am trying to think of a way to describe what it's like. It's all I know, so it's hard to compare it to anything else. For years I just thought I was depressed. I've seen counselors since I was 16, been on 5 different SSRIs for depression, and spent most of my Saturdays in bed. I always managed to simply manage. I never felt truly "balanced". During the period of my highest medication dose, I still had more bad days than good days. I'd always wondered if I was bipolar, instead of just depressed. Now I know. It all makes sense. (ha) I sometimes feel like superwoman. I feel so empowered. I take on massive projects, or plan out the layout of the house I dream of. I feel like I could conquer anything, and solve every single problem I've ever had in seconds. I giggle, play, laugh, and love. I don't have a care in the world and nothing can bring me down. With no warning, no trigger, nothing, I have lost the will to live. I hate everyone and everything. I can't deal with anything. I feel flattened, deflated, hopeless, helpless, worthless. I cry, I snap in anger at anyone for anything, I run away. I hide. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Those are the two extremes I float back and forth between. That's as good, and as bad as it gets. Most of my time is spent in a milder state of either one. I've been dealing with it for so long, I've gotten pretty good at appearing "normal". As detrimental as that gift may be, I'm very thankful for it. I'm thankful I can function in daily life, while my insides are screaming at me. It allows me to, at least pretend, I am a functioning part of society.

I started taking my first antipsychotic medication a week ago. I felt better within 24 hours. I've had a lot of up and downs this week, mostly downs, but I feel like I can cope with it all better than I could 2 weeks ago. I had been on Prozac for several months, but let it lapse and went 2 weeks completely off medication. I would like to pretend those 2 weeks didn't happen. The only side effect I'm having right now is being incredibly sleepy, and incredibly thirsty. I can't complain, though, because I am so very thankful. Thankful I finally have insurance after a year of not having it. The Prozac wasn't cutting it for me, but I knew I couldn't afford to go see a doctor or get on a different medication. The good meds are the expensive meds. My insurance came through, and I am now able to take a medication that costs more than our house payment per month, for only $5 a month. I am thankful for my partner, and for my family who have endured me through all of this. I am hopeful of better days, and a better me.

Here's to the rest of my life managing, embracing, and learning how to live this life as a bipolar woman. (And hoping my family learns to manage, embrace, and learn to live this life WITH a bipolar woman.)

my personal truth

It is not out of anger, it is not out of spite, it is not out of hurt that I've left my Christian faith. It's because after 23 years of it, and years of intimate soul searching and questioning, my personal conclusion is that it just doesn't work for me. It's as simple as that. I have the life experience, and the knowledge to be able to firmly, and with total confidence, say that I am no longer a Christian. This is my personal truth. 

Being agnostic means, for me, that I am not discounting the possibility of a higher power, but for me it is an unknowable fact. Nobody can prove any of it. We can split atoms, but we can’t prove the existence of God. Some may say that a miraculous cure of cancer is proof. Yes it’s proof, proof that sometimes strange things happen, but I just can’t believe that for the one who is miraculously cured, they are cured because of the amount of prayers said over them or for the strength of their faith.  What about the thousands of others who aren’t cured? Did they not have enough prayers said over them? 

Leaving Christianity is not just an excuse for me falling away, and it is not a rebellion. It is purely what I genuinely feel. The more I studied Christianity, and the more I grew up and experienced the world, the less sense Christianity made to me. I tried for years to throw myself into every Bible study, kept a faithful prayer journal, and never missed an opportunity to gather with other Christians. But I can honestly say that I’ve never truly felt the presence of God, as I’ve heard some describe. It wasn’t for lack of trying. Another thing I could never wrap my head around is just how evil the world can be. There is too much evil in this world for me to believe it is all “God’s will” much less a supernatural battle between God and Satan. 

My leaving is not about my past experiences and hurts. I know many wonderful Christian people, and I also know many hypocritical Christians.  I know some truly selfless atheists, and some people with black hearts. I’ve been very hurt by my family, and they happen to be devout Christians, most of whom have devoted their entire lives to ministry, but that is a separate issue between my family and me. I have known way too many amazing Christian people for my family alone to cast such a dark shadow on Christianity. By no means do I believe that Christians are wrong, or that I am necessarily right. For Christians, it is right. That is their personal truth that is their right. Who am I to say that they are wrong for not believing what I do or for making sense of something that I simply cannot? And who is anyone else to say that I am wrong and that they know more than I do about my feelings? Accept me for who I am, but don’t judge me for who you think I should be. 

I’m the same Hilary. I love vanilla coke, open fields, doodling, and green. I hate mornings. I love seeing the beauty in small things, like the robin next to the porch sitting on her 4 eggs. I love watching my children grow. I love being in love. I love my life. I am happy. So don’t feel sadness, because the kingdom didn’t lose me, I was never really there. This life is short, you live it your way, and I’ll live it mine.

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they’ll know that we are Christians by our love…


“…I just had to come see you with my own eyes because the word of the family is that you’re a slave” –Marty Lynn

To sin I’m assuming?

“…there are people overseas dying for their faith, doesn’t that mean anything to you?” –Marty Lynn

Yes, of course it does. There are also soldiers dying for their country. Just because the Christians are martyring themselves shouldn’t make me feel ashamed to say that I am no longer a Christian. I applaud anyone who sacrifices their own lives for a greater cause, for their personal calling. So yes, that means something to me. But in no way will I be guilted into Christianity.

“You are not the person you were raised to be. You are no longer my granddaughter.” –Marty Lynn

Because I don’t believe what you do? That’s absurd.

“You know she says those things because she loves you.” –Libby Lynn

Really? Does that make sense at all?

“All I’ve heard from family and friends is them expressing their sadness for you.” –Libby Lynn

Why? Because I’ve chosen a different path? So can I be sad for you because you are blinded by your religion? No! It’s your right, your calling, your life to live. And I support that 100%.

After my grandmother came to my house and berated me for my lifestyle, and refused to hear me out, she continued on to go back to the family and gossip to the point that my cousins were nervous to see me because they thought I was in such horrible shape. I then had to spend three hours sorting out truth from rumor with my cousins. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.

Not a single one of you have asked me about the divorce, or about the new people in my life. So I’m writing this email out of utter exacerbation at your treatment of me. Are you that ignorant to think that because I’ve chosen a new lifestyle, I should be treated with a complete lack of respect? I’m here to let you know what happened, and where I stand now with all of you. I am NOT here to burn bridges; I am only seeking your acceptance. I accept you and all your beliefs and lifestyles, why can I not receive the same from you?

You’ve remained silent in regards to my new life. So here is the truth from me, not what you’ve surmised from facebook or discussed amongst yourselves. This has got to end.

I knew my marriage with Nathan was over in March of 2009. I told him then. We attended counseling off and on for the next year; then in May of 2010 I told him it was over. He agreed to move out. (This all came from years of him not being there for me, not being the husband and father I needed him to be , then after begging him not to join the military, he signed a 12 year contract with them.) Because I was at my breaking point mentally, physically, and emotionally, he agreed to help fund me to take a trip to Tennessee just to get away. I had an amazing time with great friends, and met someone else. I told Nathan about Mark, because I didn’t see the point in hiding it from him.
In July I let him know I was moving to Tennessee. He agreed, and once he was back from Quantico, he gave me the $2500 he’d earned there and helped me pack up the U-Haul. He waved goodbye early in the morning of August 26th as we drove away. I’d never felt more liberated in my life. I made it to Tennessee late that night, settled in, and laid low to avoid family bombardment. I went to bartending school and got my certificate. I then got a job as a cocktail server.
I realized I needed to check my credit card statement and saw that Nathan had charged $1000 to it in a month mostly to clothes stores, bars, and car repairs. I stopped the credit card and had the address changed to here in Tennessee. I confronted him and he denied it. I was working 50 hours a week to cover expenses. He hadn’t sent me any money. I moved in with my boyfriend, Mark, who graciously took us in. Right before Christmas, I walked in and quit my job. My reasons for quitting were; a kitchen manager and a floor manager had been sexually inappropriate to me beyond the point of what I could stand, and because it exacerbated my depression.
I filed for divorce here in Tennessee, and it was an amicable divorce. Nathan hadn’t paid me a dime since I left. I asked for health insurance for the boys, half of Oliver’s pre-school tuition for next year, and help with travel expenses once he was active military. I also asked for help with the credit card debt which was very high and had a 30% interest rate. He agreed to only the travel expenses. My children are uninsured, and Oliver will only be able to attend 2 days a week next year because I can’t afford it, and I am eating a very large credit card bill every month. He also asked me to lie about the number of days he’ll have with the boys so he wouldn’t have to pay so much in support. He dragged his feet on signing the divorce papers, complaining about the child support amount, which my lawyer told him was the lowest amount he’s ever seen for 2 children. It took me threatening to go contested for him to sign. He calls the boys every 2-3 weeks. He didn’t tell me his summer plans that I’ve been asking for since March, so I went ahead with our summer plans. He called me today to let me know his plans. He will have the boys for 2 weeks this summer. He is not as heartbroken or pathetic as he may have you believe.
I decided to go back to school to become a paramedic and possibly go on to be a nurse. I filled out the paperwork and will start this fall. We are making a family of seven work on a fireman’s salary until then. I am happy, I am whole, except for the issue of my family.
Mark is a wonderful man with three wonderful children. Aidan and Oliver absolutely adore him. We are very happy together. I am asking for you to accept my new life. That means my whole life; my new beliefs, Mark and his children, and the fact that I’ve finally found who I truly am. I’m tired of only being talked to in order to speak to Aidan and Oliver. If you cannot accept me and everything that comes with me, I can’t continue playing this game. It’s hurtful. I’ll take a non-response from this email as you not accepting me. I love you all very much, but this simply can’t continue.

nothing

i simply don't have the energy or wits to write tonight. as much as i wish i could/need to. life is hard. but rewarding, and wonderful, and fulfilling. still, draining. and nagging. and weighing. soon. divorce, christianity, life, and love. in the place of friends, my blog and ability to write is definitely helping this loneliness.

get a grip, mamu

***to my horror, my spell check isn't working. i typed quickly and haven't proof read but i don't have time! eek! please excuse my clumsiness.**

can i please just pause the world and sit and blog and read and drink wine?! we've had a lice outbreak (see other blog) and computers are crashing and we have 4 kids playing soccer and ahhhhh!!!!!! life is crazy. but do i have a story for yall.

so my grandmother (that spurred the origional creation of this blog) that lives in brentwood (on the other side of nashville, about 30 minutes from here), has been texting me here and there since i've moved here and was asking to get together. my understanding was we'd meet up for lunch or something. so i get a text saying, "i have to go to nashville tomorrow morning since that's half way i can head your way after" and i said that was ok. so the next morning she says "i'm leaving now and have gps to help" i respond asking where we're meeting and get no response. i took mark's kids to his parents house and was hanging out there waiting to hear and i get this text "are you not here?" and i say "where's here?" and she says "your house". fml. so i shoot back over to my house and she's sitting on my front porch. i have no idea how she even got my address. she asks if i'm going to show her my house and i say suuuure...and awkwardly show her around. she then proceeds to stand in my living room and say the following sentance, "i just had to come see that you were ok with my own eyes because the talk of the family is that you're a slave." i had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from falling on the floor in a rolling fit of laughter. i asked her who was saying that and a slave to what?! she didn't have much of an answer. she then asked if this was my house and i said yes. she asked if i'd bought it, if my name was on it. well, techniquely no. but it's my house. it's OUR house. she argued with me and said it truly wasn't my house. seeing she wasn't going to let that go, i moved on. she proceeded to say that i was not her grandaughter, was tearing my parents apart and causing them health issues, asked me what happened to make me "snap", then said she'd always wondered if there was something wrong with me and if i'd ever been abused. i said "i'm not talking about that with you because i'm not going to sit here and explain myself and open up my life to you under these circumstances." her response? "ok, that answers my question. you were abused. that explains so much." uhhh...a bit presumptuous and fucking ridiculous mamu. thanks, though. then she started asking me about religious stuff. i shut that down on the spot. i was NOT about to engage her in that argument, not right there and then. she had nowhere to go with that one because i didn't allow it. if you want to talk to me like an adult, i'm more than willing to talk about it. i told her i was happy, healthy, and had a new found life and was loving it. she then said, "you're not truly happy. people who are truly happy don't need to announce it." i said "i don't announce it, what does that even mean?!" she said "all over facebook, you're always talking about how much you love your life and how happy you are. that shows me you're not really happy." uhhh....are you stupid?? if someone is TRULY happy it exudes out of every pore of their body! wtf! she then asked why i was so distant and hadn't come over and why i was burning bridges..saying they were the same family and i was the one keeping them at a distance. i said that i hadn't come over because i didn't want to put myself in a situation filled with judgement and unacceptance. why would i do that to myself?! i told her if she could accept me and my new life, then i'd be more than happy to come over. so then she tried the whole guilt trip thing...they do a lot of mission work overseas (ironic, eh?) and she talked about all these people persecuted and risking their lives to be christians and knowing god has saved them and freed them and how can i sit there and reject christianity. because i live in fucking america and that's my right. because we have FREEDOM of religion. so the guilt trip didn't work and i think she saw she would get nowhere with me so she said if i ever wanted to come home i could. i responded with, "well this is my home, so...." she left. i get a text an hour later saying "it was my choice to come, nobody knows about my 2 hour drive, bring the boys by sometime." my response was "i would be happy to as soon as you can accpet my new life and the new people in my life." she then said  "if the new people in your life love you they will seek help for you. it does not take a trained eye to see that you are troubled." (can you see the steam from where you're sitting?!) my response was "i'm getting more help, love, and encouragement from them than i've had in a very long time. i'm happy, healthy, and strong. i'm in a wonderful place in my life. once again, if you refuse to accept me or my choices, i'm sorry, but i won't continue to put up with it." and that was it.

hold on, it gets better.

so my cousin from texas came to town and i messaged her and said we should get lunch. i haven't seen her since i was pregnant with oliver. i have another cousin living here, but he's pretty close with mamu, so i hadn't contacted him at all since i've moved here. so they both met me and i was afraid it would be awkward and really didn't know what they'd be like. i knew they'd been hearing all the talk and didn't know their opinions of it all. but i wanted to meet them because they're my age, my family, and i wanted to show them i'm not some horrible person like i knew was circling the family. i can't even express with words how glad i am that i met with them. it was a giant vent session for ALL of us. it was awkward at first, but after i'd felt them out a bit, i opened up about the above situation and our lunch turned into a 3 hour conversation. it was so great to be able to talk to people who understand how insane my family is. mark basically thinks i came out of a cult.

anyway we talked, vented, and cleared the air about a ton of miscommunicated things. my cousin told me what all had been said about me and i can't say i was shocked but good god my family is being so nasty about me! there were rumors of all these things and i said multiple times, "they said WHAT?! no!!!! this is what really happened..." it was insane. and eye opening. stuff is so bad, my cousins didn't tell anyone else they met with me because when my cousin had mentioned it a few days earlier mamu said, "you should just forget about her". hmm. so here my "christian" family sits. the family that has modeled their lives after jesus. the family that has spent decades preaching and teaching about love, accpetance, grace, mercy....here my family sits. gossiping, lying, rejecting, hating, judging, not accpeting....does this seem backwards to anyone else? it's absolutely absurd. it's to the point it's almost comical. i know how sad that sounds.

my cousins and i talked about how smothered we felt by our family, how sheltered we were and at what age we discovered it, how hypritical it all is, and i talked a little about my de-conversion. they're not at that point, but i felt comfortable sharing some of that with them. it was releiving to talk to them. i talked about how difficult it was for me to finally stand up to them, and how i've dealt with the aftermath. they didn't know any of the details of the insane rejection i dealt with during my pregnancy, so i filled them in on that. at this point, i've pretty much accepted that htey will never accept me. i almost feel sorry for them, they're so blinded. there's a big world out there, step out and find it! find yourself, love your life, live with purpose.

i've got several ideas bouncing around in my head about how to go abotu writing here about my de-conversion. it's not about my family, it's not about past hurt, it's about what i've discovered in myself. i'm finally living without guilt. you can't understand how HUGE that is for me. my bitterness and resentment has faded. i don't hate my family, they made me who i am. but it makes me sad that they can't accept me. (why can't we all be grown ups?!) that's for another time. poor mark is out there de-licing the girls. i'm starting to feel a little bad for retreating for 2 hours with the computer and my music. just had to share the drama of my week with you :)

overdue

i'm so overdue on updating this blog. soon, i promise. wanted to give a quick update, though. i started getting b12 injections once a week a little more than a month ago. i started taking 20mg of prozac a day almost a month ago. i'm also taking 2 b-complex pills a day and melatonin at night. i wanted to find a more 'natural' way to manage my depression, and this combination is working wonders. i've had so many more good days than bad, i've been productive, bubbly, and fun. here's to hoping it continues! mark will be at the fire academy for officer school this week, so i'll update more then. now off to pack my boys for their week in texas! love.

living...honestly.

hold on if you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

i have found it. i have found that place of total comfort and love. so cliche but i feel like i'm literally tucked under a protective wing. i feel like i have someone surrounding every ounce of me, protecting me. and i can breathe. and i can rest. and oh how i needed it. it still feels new, but weirdly comfortable. i can say this, and mean it with 100% of my being...for the first. the FIRST. time in my life, i can be who i truly am. i'm not stuffed in a box. there are no boundaries, just purely feeling out myself and who i am. and i'm embracing it. and love's embracing it. and it's absolutely incredible. how have i been missing this my entire life?! how did i ever survive? i don't know. all i know is it's still hard to live the life you choose.

my depression rears it's ugly head more than i'd like. more than i can control. love is all brand new to it, so i've realized how difficult it is to explain. how do you describe such a complex and scary thing? so i allude it to a cloud. a dark, heavy cloud that pushes into me on all sides and follows me everywhere. that creepy antidepressant commercial with the wind up doll? yeah that's actually pretty good. in order to do something as simple as get out of bed requires "winding up". i have to tell myself it's just a day and i'll get through it because i have to. because the clock moves no matter what. and i watch the day move by, however slowly. shamefully, as i sit here, i didn't shower today and am still in the pjs i put on last night. some days i have to rest and stop fighting.


my panic attacks have worsened lately, but i think that's just normal life stresses...my brain tends to overheat rather easily. i keep trying to get myself in my craft room to get working on things...but i put it off. i think i'm almost scared of it. some nights i just get in a funk and i feel like i have enough control to pull myself out of it, but i choose not to. because i'm scared. because it's almost easier to just let it take over. because it's all i've ever known.

other times it takes every ounce of strength, every thought must be directed, just to function.

and other times i can just soak up love, sunshine, life, and laughter. and be ok. which is incredible.

and still other times i can't stop crying. for no reason. and love holds me and pretends to be strong, even though i know fear is the overwhelming emotion. but i just can't speak. or breathe. and it hurts, physically hurts. and love hurts with me.

i'm not alone anymore. i'm admired. i'm held. i'm supported. i'm encouraged. i'm beautiful. i'm full. i'm whole. i'm me. love.

so as for now, i'm managing this roller coaster of an illness with walks in the sunshine, vitamins, acceptance, hugs, b12 shots, tears, healthy eating and living, and love. putting off getting on an antidepressant, but feeling it's impending doom.

i'll keep you posted. like i said, it's hard to live the life you choose, but what a wonderful ride it is. i wouldn't ever go back. this is living. this is love. this is incredible.

choices

sorry about the lack in posts. not sure yet how much i'm ready to share.

it's hard to live the life you choose.

my life is great. amazing, actually. but i still battle daily with depression and anxiety. it's back to the point of contemplating medication. that's for another post. a much deeper and darker post.

my new outlook on life is this: live it. don't regret it. don't take experiences and feelings for granted. live them to the fullest. don't live for someone else. embrace this wonderful world we live in.

i hold on to that with all my might, even while the thousand ton weight of my depression sits on my shoulders. it's an exhausting process. one that i so want to write about and share, but can't quite form into words yet.

i'm an oxymoron. i'm happier than i've ever been but can't motivate myself enough to take a shower. and such is life. more to come. i'm working on it.

thank you to those few who stand by me and support, love, and encourage me. you are treasures.

this is what a sigh looks like

i have feelings and thoughts exploding out of me but no time or space to write them in.

fighting every sunrise.

loving every hug.

dreading every responsibility.

embracing every chance to laugh.

surviving on the balance that is my new life.

...and the world spins madly on.

[feel what it's like to be new]

the way i am

i get to hold my babies tomorrow. my heart is aching for them.

i should probably get a job soon. i don't like being a grown-up.

i only have simple words and thoughts tonight...so here's a song that can say it better than i can.

if you were falling, then i would catch you
you need a light, i'd find a match

cause i love the way you say good morning
and you take me the way i am

if you are chilly, here take my sweater
your head is aching; i'll make it better

cause i love the way you call me baby
and you take me the way i am

i'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
sew on patches to all you tear

cause i love you more than i could ever promise
and you take me the way i am

you take me the way i am
...broken and all.

tears and sighs tonight. but in it all i feel strong and i feel loved. thank you.

resolution

i made a list on my other blog about things i'd like to do this year. but my top priority this year is to kick my depression in the ass. i will be stronger than it, i will be healthy, i will be happy, i will be a good mother, i will enjoy life, i will find joy in my days, i will prevail. i've got a long, hard road ahead of me. but i'm determined.