so close to dying..

..that i can finally start living.

it's been over 6 months since my last post. i'm not even sure where to start. this blank page is intimidating. guess i should just pick up where i left off. you might as well go get a cup of coffee and settle in because i have a feeling this will be epically long.

so i spent about 10 days in tennessee/florida, went back to texas for less than a month, then drove back to tennessee (sans kids...they were still in abilene) and spent another 10 days. then back to texas to get kids, another 5 days in college station, then drove back to tennessee out of complete misery and desperation for what i found here. spent 3ish weeks here, went back to texas and then drove 18 hours in a uhaul truck with my babies next to me and my life behind me all the way to tennessee.

and here i am.

during my less than a month in texas, i wrote nathan a very long letter and had a difficult conversation and told him it was finally time for me to move on. we both knew it was over long before that but had been trying to salvage anything that may have been there. one of us had to make a decision. nathan was actually more understanding than my family. does that seem backwards to anyone else? hmm. he's doing alright, he finally has time for school and all his extra stuff. we talk fairly regularly, he's seen the kids twice. i'm filing for divorce in january. we've both seen lawyers and have some of the details hammered out already. so far it's been really smooth as far as he is concerned. he helped me pack the uhaul and watched me drive off. so i finally did it. made a huge life-changing choice. for me.

my family called me selfish.

i disagree. i think it was healthy. i think it was long past due. i think it made me a better mother and a stronger person. then they argue it's not good for the kids and selfish of me to take them so far from their father. ok, so does that mean it's healthier for them if i stay in a relationship that was dead? show them that you stay in situations in life, even in such unhappiness? roll over and give up because of a commitment? be miserable because of a promise to someone? again, i disagree. it's healthier for them to see their mother happy. to see me fight for my happiness in life. to see me not settle. to see me in a healthy, loving relationship. to not see me crying on the couch day after day. i'm sad for nathan and hate that they won't get to grow up being as close to their father as they would if i had stayed, but nathan and i love them unconditionally. we get along. they'll never see us fighting or being nasty to each other. how is that selfish and unhealthy?

i haven't seen my grandparents that live 30 minutes from me except once since i've moved here. the once i went there, it was because my parents were there and i wanted to see them. my parents think i'm "burning bridges". i think i'm just being strong and not letting people walk all over me for once in my life. after i told family i was getting a divorce and moving, i was instantly the bad guy...i was giving up, leaving nathan, being cold, being selfish, being a bad mother...etc. you'd be appalled at the nasty texts my grandmother sent me. so. because i know what kind of treatment and judgement i'll get by going over there, i'm choosing not to. they're still my grandparents and i still love them, but until they can treat me like an adult who made an adult choice, and accept me, i'm not going to stand for it. and that's that. and it's liberating.

as far as where i stand spiritually...i'm not completely convinced, but i'm really not buying into it right now. i spent my life with it more or less shoved down my throat. every "bad" decision came with intense judgement. i wasn't invited on family vacations, i was uninvited to my own dinner table, i was preached at and preached at and preached at some more. and i was confused...aren't christians supposed to accept and extend grace? i did everything they asked...and everything i truly believed needed to be done. went before elders, wore off white to my wedding, repented and repented some more, went to bible studies, never missed church, prayed constantly...and still got nothing but judgement from my family. and i lived my life in guilt. i felt beaten down and like there was something intensely wrong with me. some of the best and most wonderful people i know are christians. i'm not lumping all christians into my hypocritically christian family. i see the big picture, and see what it's about. i understand it. i've done a lot of soul searching. and i really feel like my eyes have been opened. being a christian isn't about rules and regulations. it isn't about controlling others and setting limits. it's about quietly and genuinely trying to live a good life full of purpose, grace, and humility. it's about touching others around you with that purpose, grace, and humility. so for now, i'm quietly living my life and finding out who i am. and loving it. i want to believe, or not believe, something through and through. i want to live my life with purpose. i want to be genuine. it's not faith if you're using your eyes.

my depression lives strong. i'm managing it with renewed strength. i'm beginning to maybe almost think about medication again. maybe. i'm making healthy choices for me. i feel so much stronger and that helps a lot. but it still sits, in a deep dark corner, just watching and weighing me down. one day i'll conquer it. until then, i fight, i fight with all my strength and might, every day. more about that later.

you're all friends on facebook, so i KNOW you're wondering about mark, how he fits into this, and who he is. i met him through lauren (the friend i came to see in tennessee). we talked for hours one night. i let him read this blog. and found what i'd been missing. he's absolutely wonderful. i didn't mean to meet him or fall in love with him...but my heart has new found direction and motivation. i let it run with this one. and i'm so glad i did. he's got 3 precious kids, ashlee-10, kaitlin-8, and jake-4. he is a full time dad because his wife died of cancer 4 years ago. he's done an absolutely amazing job raising them. he's a senior firefighter, been doing that for 10 years now, and is trying to break into the real estate scene. he has a spirit for life i've never seen in anyone. it's contageous. which is something i desperately need. he's something wonderful.

ending on a happy note. so there's my update. i'll write more soon. i forgot how theraputic this is. i missed blogging! thanks for the faithful reading and unconditional support. love you all. :)