my personal truth

It is not out of anger, it is not out of spite, it is not out of hurt that I've left my Christian faith. It's because after 23 years of it, and years of intimate soul searching and questioning, my personal conclusion is that it just doesn't work for me. It's as simple as that. I have the life experience, and the knowledge to be able to firmly, and with total confidence, say that I am no longer a Christian. This is my personal truth. 

Being agnostic means, for me, that I am not discounting the possibility of a higher power, but for me it is an unknowable fact. Nobody can prove any of it. We can split atoms, but we can’t prove the existence of God. Some may say that a miraculous cure of cancer is proof. Yes it’s proof, proof that sometimes strange things happen, but I just can’t believe that for the one who is miraculously cured, they are cured because of the amount of prayers said over them or for the strength of their faith.  What about the thousands of others who aren’t cured? Did they not have enough prayers said over them? 

Leaving Christianity is not just an excuse for me falling away, and it is not a rebellion. It is purely what I genuinely feel. The more I studied Christianity, and the more I grew up and experienced the world, the less sense Christianity made to me. I tried for years to throw myself into every Bible study, kept a faithful prayer journal, and never missed an opportunity to gather with other Christians. But I can honestly say that I’ve never truly felt the presence of God, as I’ve heard some describe. It wasn’t for lack of trying. Another thing I could never wrap my head around is just how evil the world can be. There is too much evil in this world for me to believe it is all “God’s will” much less a supernatural battle between God and Satan. 

My leaving is not about my past experiences and hurts. I know many wonderful Christian people, and I also know many hypocritical Christians.  I know some truly selfless atheists, and some people with black hearts. I’ve been very hurt by my family, and they happen to be devout Christians, most of whom have devoted their entire lives to ministry, but that is a separate issue between my family and me. I have known way too many amazing Christian people for my family alone to cast such a dark shadow on Christianity. By no means do I believe that Christians are wrong, or that I am necessarily right. For Christians, it is right. That is their personal truth that is their right. Who am I to say that they are wrong for not believing what I do or for making sense of something that I simply cannot? And who is anyone else to say that I am wrong and that they know more than I do about my feelings? Accept me for who I am, but don’t judge me for who you think I should be. 

I’m the same Hilary. I love vanilla coke, open fields, doodling, and green. I hate mornings. I love seeing the beauty in small things, like the robin next to the porch sitting on her 4 eggs. I love watching my children grow. I love being in love. I love my life. I am happy. So don’t feel sadness, because the kingdom didn’t lose me, I was never really there. This life is short, you live it your way, and I’ll live it mine.

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they’ll know that we are Christians by our love…


“…I just had to come see you with my own eyes because the word of the family is that you’re a slave” –Marty Lynn

To sin I’m assuming?

“…there are people overseas dying for their faith, doesn’t that mean anything to you?” –Marty Lynn

Yes, of course it does. There are also soldiers dying for their country. Just because the Christians are martyring themselves shouldn’t make me feel ashamed to say that I am no longer a Christian. I applaud anyone who sacrifices their own lives for a greater cause, for their personal calling. So yes, that means something to me. But in no way will I be guilted into Christianity.

“You are not the person you were raised to be. You are no longer my granddaughter.” –Marty Lynn

Because I don’t believe what you do? That’s absurd.

“You know she says those things because she loves you.” –Libby Lynn

Really? Does that make sense at all?

“All I’ve heard from family and friends is them expressing their sadness for you.” –Libby Lynn

Why? Because I’ve chosen a different path? So can I be sad for you because you are blinded by your religion? No! It’s your right, your calling, your life to live. And I support that 100%.

After my grandmother came to my house and berated me for my lifestyle, and refused to hear me out, she continued on to go back to the family and gossip to the point that my cousins were nervous to see me because they thought I was in such horrible shape. I then had to spend three hours sorting out truth from rumor with my cousins. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.

Not a single one of you have asked me about the divorce, or about the new people in my life. So I’m writing this email out of utter exacerbation at your treatment of me. Are you that ignorant to think that because I’ve chosen a new lifestyle, I should be treated with a complete lack of respect? I’m here to let you know what happened, and where I stand now with all of you. I am NOT here to burn bridges; I am only seeking your acceptance. I accept you and all your beliefs and lifestyles, why can I not receive the same from you?

You’ve remained silent in regards to my new life. So here is the truth from me, not what you’ve surmised from facebook or discussed amongst yourselves. This has got to end.

I knew my marriage with Nathan was over in March of 2009. I told him then. We attended counseling off and on for the next year; then in May of 2010 I told him it was over. He agreed to move out. (This all came from years of him not being there for me, not being the husband and father I needed him to be , then after begging him not to join the military, he signed a 12 year contract with them.) Because I was at my breaking point mentally, physically, and emotionally, he agreed to help fund me to take a trip to Tennessee just to get away. I had an amazing time with great friends, and met someone else. I told Nathan about Mark, because I didn’t see the point in hiding it from him.
In July I let him know I was moving to Tennessee. He agreed, and once he was back from Quantico, he gave me the $2500 he’d earned there and helped me pack up the U-Haul. He waved goodbye early in the morning of August 26th as we drove away. I’d never felt more liberated in my life. I made it to Tennessee late that night, settled in, and laid low to avoid family bombardment. I went to bartending school and got my certificate. I then got a job as a cocktail server.
I realized I needed to check my credit card statement and saw that Nathan had charged $1000 to it in a month mostly to clothes stores, bars, and car repairs. I stopped the credit card and had the address changed to here in Tennessee. I confronted him and he denied it. I was working 50 hours a week to cover expenses. He hadn’t sent me any money. I moved in with my boyfriend, Mark, who graciously took us in. Right before Christmas, I walked in and quit my job. My reasons for quitting were; a kitchen manager and a floor manager had been sexually inappropriate to me beyond the point of what I could stand, and because it exacerbated my depression.
I filed for divorce here in Tennessee, and it was an amicable divorce. Nathan hadn’t paid me a dime since I left. I asked for health insurance for the boys, half of Oliver’s pre-school tuition for next year, and help with travel expenses once he was active military. I also asked for help with the credit card debt which was very high and had a 30% interest rate. He agreed to only the travel expenses. My children are uninsured, and Oliver will only be able to attend 2 days a week next year because I can’t afford it, and I am eating a very large credit card bill every month. He also asked me to lie about the number of days he’ll have with the boys so he wouldn’t have to pay so much in support. He dragged his feet on signing the divorce papers, complaining about the child support amount, which my lawyer told him was the lowest amount he’s ever seen for 2 children. It took me threatening to go contested for him to sign. He calls the boys every 2-3 weeks. He didn’t tell me his summer plans that I’ve been asking for since March, so I went ahead with our summer plans. He called me today to let me know his plans. He will have the boys for 2 weeks this summer. He is not as heartbroken or pathetic as he may have you believe.
I decided to go back to school to become a paramedic and possibly go on to be a nurse. I filled out the paperwork and will start this fall. We are making a family of seven work on a fireman’s salary until then. I am happy, I am whole, except for the issue of my family.
Mark is a wonderful man with three wonderful children. Aidan and Oliver absolutely adore him. We are very happy together. I am asking for you to accept my new life. That means my whole life; my new beliefs, Mark and his children, and the fact that I’ve finally found who I truly am. I’m tired of only being talked to in order to speak to Aidan and Oliver. If you cannot accept me and everything that comes with me, I can’t continue playing this game. It’s hurtful. I’ll take a non-response from this email as you not accepting me. I love you all very much, but this simply can’t continue.

nothing

i simply don't have the energy or wits to write tonight. as much as i wish i could/need to. life is hard. but rewarding, and wonderful, and fulfilling. still, draining. and nagging. and weighing. soon. divorce, christianity, life, and love. in the place of friends, my blog and ability to write is definitely helping this loneliness.

get a grip, mamu

***to my horror, my spell check isn't working. i typed quickly and haven't proof read but i don't have time! eek! please excuse my clumsiness.**

can i please just pause the world and sit and blog and read and drink wine?! we've had a lice outbreak (see other blog) and computers are crashing and we have 4 kids playing soccer and ahhhhh!!!!!! life is crazy. but do i have a story for yall.

so my grandmother (that spurred the origional creation of this blog) that lives in brentwood (on the other side of nashville, about 30 minutes from here), has been texting me here and there since i've moved here and was asking to get together. my understanding was we'd meet up for lunch or something. so i get a text saying, "i have to go to nashville tomorrow morning since that's half way i can head your way after" and i said that was ok. so the next morning she says "i'm leaving now and have gps to help" i respond asking where we're meeting and get no response. i took mark's kids to his parents house and was hanging out there waiting to hear and i get this text "are you not here?" and i say "where's here?" and she says "your house". fml. so i shoot back over to my house and she's sitting on my front porch. i have no idea how she even got my address. she asks if i'm going to show her my house and i say suuuure...and awkwardly show her around. she then proceeds to stand in my living room and say the following sentance, "i just had to come see that you were ok with my own eyes because the talk of the family is that you're a slave." i had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from falling on the floor in a rolling fit of laughter. i asked her who was saying that and a slave to what?! she didn't have much of an answer. she then asked if this was my house and i said yes. she asked if i'd bought it, if my name was on it. well, techniquely no. but it's my house. it's OUR house. she argued with me and said it truly wasn't my house. seeing she wasn't going to let that go, i moved on. she proceeded to say that i was not her grandaughter, was tearing my parents apart and causing them health issues, asked me what happened to make me "snap", then said she'd always wondered if there was something wrong with me and if i'd ever been abused. i said "i'm not talking about that with you because i'm not going to sit here and explain myself and open up my life to you under these circumstances." her response? "ok, that answers my question. you were abused. that explains so much." uhhh...a bit presumptuous and fucking ridiculous mamu. thanks, though. then she started asking me about religious stuff. i shut that down on the spot. i was NOT about to engage her in that argument, not right there and then. she had nowhere to go with that one because i didn't allow it. if you want to talk to me like an adult, i'm more than willing to talk about it. i told her i was happy, healthy, and had a new found life and was loving it. she then said, "you're not truly happy. people who are truly happy don't need to announce it." i said "i don't announce it, what does that even mean?!" she said "all over facebook, you're always talking about how much you love your life and how happy you are. that shows me you're not really happy." uhhh....are you stupid?? if someone is TRULY happy it exudes out of every pore of their body! wtf! she then asked why i was so distant and hadn't come over and why i was burning bridges..saying they were the same family and i was the one keeping them at a distance. i said that i hadn't come over because i didn't want to put myself in a situation filled with judgement and unacceptance. why would i do that to myself?! i told her if she could accept me and my new life, then i'd be more than happy to come over. so then she tried the whole guilt trip thing...they do a lot of mission work overseas (ironic, eh?) and she talked about all these people persecuted and risking their lives to be christians and knowing god has saved them and freed them and how can i sit there and reject christianity. because i live in fucking america and that's my right. because we have FREEDOM of religion. so the guilt trip didn't work and i think she saw she would get nowhere with me so she said if i ever wanted to come home i could. i responded with, "well this is my home, so...." she left. i get a text an hour later saying "it was my choice to come, nobody knows about my 2 hour drive, bring the boys by sometime." my response was "i would be happy to as soon as you can accpet my new life and the new people in my life." she then said  "if the new people in your life love you they will seek help for you. it does not take a trained eye to see that you are troubled." (can you see the steam from where you're sitting?!) my response was "i'm getting more help, love, and encouragement from them than i've had in a very long time. i'm happy, healthy, and strong. i'm in a wonderful place in my life. once again, if you refuse to accept me or my choices, i'm sorry, but i won't continue to put up with it." and that was it.

hold on, it gets better.

so my cousin from texas came to town and i messaged her and said we should get lunch. i haven't seen her since i was pregnant with oliver. i have another cousin living here, but he's pretty close with mamu, so i hadn't contacted him at all since i've moved here. so they both met me and i was afraid it would be awkward and really didn't know what they'd be like. i knew they'd been hearing all the talk and didn't know their opinions of it all. but i wanted to meet them because they're my age, my family, and i wanted to show them i'm not some horrible person like i knew was circling the family. i can't even express with words how glad i am that i met with them. it was a giant vent session for ALL of us. it was awkward at first, but after i'd felt them out a bit, i opened up about the above situation and our lunch turned into a 3 hour conversation. it was so great to be able to talk to people who understand how insane my family is. mark basically thinks i came out of a cult.

anyway we talked, vented, and cleared the air about a ton of miscommunicated things. my cousin told me what all had been said about me and i can't say i was shocked but good god my family is being so nasty about me! there were rumors of all these things and i said multiple times, "they said WHAT?! no!!!! this is what really happened..." it was insane. and eye opening. stuff is so bad, my cousins didn't tell anyone else they met with me because when my cousin had mentioned it a few days earlier mamu said, "you should just forget about her". hmm. so here my "christian" family sits. the family that has modeled their lives after jesus. the family that has spent decades preaching and teaching about love, accpetance, grace, mercy....here my family sits. gossiping, lying, rejecting, hating, judging, not accpeting....does this seem backwards to anyone else? it's absolutely absurd. it's to the point it's almost comical. i know how sad that sounds.

my cousins and i talked about how smothered we felt by our family, how sheltered we were and at what age we discovered it, how hypritical it all is, and i talked a little about my de-conversion. they're not at that point, but i felt comfortable sharing some of that with them. it was releiving to talk to them. i talked about how difficult it was for me to finally stand up to them, and how i've dealt with the aftermath. they didn't know any of the details of the insane rejection i dealt with during my pregnancy, so i filled them in on that. at this point, i've pretty much accepted that htey will never accept me. i almost feel sorry for them, they're so blinded. there's a big world out there, step out and find it! find yourself, love your life, live with purpose.

i've got several ideas bouncing around in my head about how to go abotu writing here about my de-conversion. it's not about my family, it's not about past hurt, it's about what i've discovered in myself. i'm finally living without guilt. you can't understand how HUGE that is for me. my bitterness and resentment has faded. i don't hate my family, they made me who i am. but it makes me sad that they can't accept me. (why can't we all be grown ups?!) that's for another time. poor mark is out there de-licing the girls. i'm starting to feel a little bad for retreating for 2 hours with the computer and my music. just had to share the drama of my week with you :)

overdue

i'm so overdue on updating this blog. soon, i promise. wanted to give a quick update, though. i started getting b12 injections once a week a little more than a month ago. i started taking 20mg of prozac a day almost a month ago. i'm also taking 2 b-complex pills a day and melatonin at night. i wanted to find a more 'natural' way to manage my depression, and this combination is working wonders. i've had so many more good days than bad, i've been productive, bubbly, and fun. here's to hoping it continues! mark will be at the fire academy for officer school this week, so i'll update more then. now off to pack my boys for their week in texas! love.