lonely side of love

i've decided to, once again, make this blog private. i will continue to write about what i feel, raw, uncensored, freely. i'm working to repair some very important relationships, and this blog seems to be hindering them. gotta love chitter chatter, gossip, and judgement. it makes the world go 'round, i suppose.

want to continue reading? email me here and let me know.

unlike before, i welcome family and friends alike. (and for those of you creeper facebook friends that read and are embarrassed to ask, don't be...i'm just as nosy as the next person :) i simply need to close it down from the 'public' eye.

thank you for the ever constant support you provide. this blog has been better than $100 an hour therapy in so many ways.

it will go private tomorrow night (5/30) by midnight.

love.

apology

well i need to apologize.
apologize for turning my anger into an attack. i will not apologize for how i feel, because i believe it's fully validated. and i won't take down my post, because it's the rawest of emotions, and a very large part of me. when i get as angry as i got last night, i immediately throw up walls and go up in arms, preparing to fend off any one or any thing that attempts to approach me. it's not fair for me to attack anyone, no matter how i feel.

fuckery

guess who didn't call oliver on his fifth birthday?! his dad. shocker. what a miserable excuse for a parent. you're a terrible, horrible, no good, excuse for a "father" to my child. i thank god every day they have a real father in their lives.

also, i just love conversations about my parents' third grandchild. makes me relive those oh-so-happy days of my two pregnancies, where i was nothing less than shunned. i fondly recalled my ob-gyn appointments back in 2005. alone, scared, and when i asked if anyone cared to know the sex...what wonderful times. even better when i was dropped off at the medicaid office being told "good luck"...even better. god i wish i'd had a legitimate child. oh well.

i have my live in boyfriend, his three children (whose mother died of cancer, leaving me their mother for all intensive purposes) to take care of. oh and my one super illegitimate child, and other semi illegitimate child to care for. and the dog we paid way too much for. oh and the chains and whips we keep under our bed. and the upside down cross in the living room we gather around every saturday night.

fuck it. i'll just head to church and repent and give 10% of my child support check (should i receive it) each week to the church. then, i'll pray. and everything will be magical. and i will be loved and accepted by my wonderful christian family. and we'll laugh and play board games.

or...i could work my ass off at being the best mother, partner, and friend i can be. put every penny of my measly child support check (should i receive it) into buying and preparing food for my family of 5 growing kids, spend 100 hours a week without my partner while he works two jobs to support the seven of us, and spend it teaching our children fun games in the yard or tricks to cleaning the house or buying them slushies at sonic that they later spill everywhere. i tucked them into bed, tickling each one and making each one laugh and giggle before kissing them goodnight. and i'm fucking satisfied. i have done my best, a damned good job today. i'm glad i didn't waste 4 good hours of my sunday at church pretending to be amazing. i love my little dysfunctional and ever insane family. i do not regret a single second of my life with them. i do not regret (as painful as it is) losing an entire family over a religion and life choice. i am strong, i am a good person, i am an amazing mother. i'd be more than happy to show you my favorite finger if you think otherwise.

this is not a feel-sorry-for-little-ol-me post. this is a fuck-you-i'm-stronger-than-you-think posts.

so, fuck you.

life and love

crazy is what they all said
craziness lives in my head
crazy lies in my bed
worry, worrying about everything
worry it makes me insane
so much it drives me away
lonely, loneliness follows me around
loneliness drags me down
still lonely with others around

we went to dinner last night with some of mark's friends. i couldn't help but look around the table, taking in their conversation, wishing i was as educated, as grounded as they all seemed to be. one has a marriage falling at his feet, yet he still seemed to be more rooted than i felt. the others collectively are RNs, paramedics, working for lifeflight, firefighters, EMTs, graduates with four year degrees...maybe my dad was right. you can't make it without college. education. certifications. i'm getting a full time job in august to help support my family. my options are so very limited, and so "entry-level-minimum-wage-terrible-jobs-i-don't-want". i could go back to school and do anything, yes. but that's another year after another year of no salary...just adding debt.

my dream job? to stay home and create. write a book. decorate rooms. cook fabulous meals. attempt this "super mom" thing. being a grown up and facing real life is a bitch. why couldn't i wait to grow up again?! i watch our kids with their saturdays filled with pools, friends, sleeping in, ps3 wars, parks, and being served every meal three times a day. i remember those days. those saturdays i spent in my room making neckalces for my friends, attempting crazy hairstyles, experimenting with makeup, just wishing to be older. a grownup. i was so damn blind. i can only hope to reach through to these kids that they have it made right now and should just soak it up. (even if it makes more work for me)

but wishing things had been different in the past accomplishes nothing. plus, if everything went the way i thought it would go when i was that 13 year old dreaming in my room, i'd never have my two boys. i'd have never met mark and been able to be a mother to his three children. i'd have never found this wonderful, fun, spontaneous, crazy life i have with the love i always dreamed of, the five crazy kids i always wanted, and the big dumb great dane i never knew i wanted. how perfect and wonderful is my life. no matter how high my blood pressure gets while paying bills, no matter how much dread i feel in knowing this is my last summer as a stay at home mother (aka unemployed), none of it matters when i step back and look at it all. my beautiful home, my more than willing boyfriend working two jobs for us, my sweet kids that let me sleep in on saturdays and cuddle me at night, my sweet big pup that likes to sleep with me on nights mark is gone, my big glass of wine that affords me a few hours of sleep every night...everything.

i struggle, i cry, i have bad days, i pout, i long for my family, i miss my daddy, i get pissy with kids, i smack the dog, i drag my feet with chores, i go back to bed once the kids are gone, i skip showers....

but i also; pretend to sing, sneak up the stairs to listen to our precious children giggling, cuddle with my puppy at night, walk into the kids rooms while they're at school just to smell them, get out of bed, and run this insane house of 8 every day.

mark working two jobs is so hard for me, but it's also inspiring. he is working so so so hard for us. tonight his shift is from 7pm-7am, then he works at the fire department from 7am-7am. what an amazing man to pull a 36 hour shift for his family with no sleep. so what will i do tomorrow? laundry. dishes. gym. dog training. lunch making. kid bathing. make dinner. watch shows with kids. kiss them all, tuck them in, and thank this life that i'm such a lucky girl.

trying to be positive. trying trying trying. as i sob into my wine.

missing desperately, absolutely desperately; my lover, my best friend. and holding up the fort, being strong for him, for this crazy family.

 i do, i truly do, love my life. it's just so hard.

preoccupied update

last weekend went so much better than i expected. our date night was fabulous. we spent it on the patio of our favorite mexican restaurant with 3 or 4 pitchers of margaritas, people judging watching, laughs, and plenty of flirtatious giggles. we came home and thoroughly enjoyed our quiet and empty home. then made it not so quiet. we ended up staying up most of the night, then got to sleep in a little before headed to his parents' for brunch and coffee. the cinco de mayo neighborhood party was a blast, and we loved getting to meet new friends. plus, get togethers like that remind me how thankful i am for our kiddos. they're such well behaved and sweet little humans. i don't miss the screaming toddler stage.

mark started his second job on monday. he has clocked 106 hours so far this week between the two. needless to say, i fucking miss him. on the same hand, i'm so so so thankful for his willingness and ability to work. he has always been such a hard worker. i have no intentions of running him into the ground with it all as previous situations have, instead i am inspired to be better every minute. it's because of him i don't have to work at some job i hate. it's because of his trust and love that he has put me in charge of our home, our kids, and our finances.

i won't lie, it's an art form to get our bills paid and checkbook balanced every month, but this new job will really give us some much needed breathing room for the summer. we can go on vacation, enjoy ourselves, and spoil the kids. then in august i'm getting a full time job. growing up sucks. but i've got to do it. poor mark is driving my piece of shit car (wait, i'm sorry, HIS piece-of-shit-car-that-i-signed-over-to-him-for-the-firefighter-tags-that-get-us-out-of-having-to-get-it-inspected) that is bound to blow up any day now, while i get to drive his pretty, shiny, new, tahoe.

what a wonderful man he is. what a lucky gal i am.

there's a comfort in the rain only lovers know...
...give me your forever...please your forever...not a day less will do...from you...
what a coincidence this song is playing as i write this. talk about tears running down my face as fast as i can get the words out...god this man owns my heart.

***********

my sleep hasn't improved. at all. dream after dream after nightmare after nightmare. always so vivid, i would love to capture them in video to show the world how fucked up my brain is. it's so creatively brilliant but so hideous at the same time. sometimes i think if i could just sleep right, sleep well, through the night, that half my internal struggle would be ended. i don't remember my last "black" sleep. not sure if i've even experienced that ever. as far back as i can remember, it's been light sleep filled with vivid and terrifying dreams. i've never done a sleep study, i'd be interested to see how much i'm 'awake' during the night.

yesterday and today i've been productive (by my standards) and it's been amazing. well today, i did go back to bed until 10, but that's better than noon, right? mark has been working every minute, so i've had so much more 'home' responsibilities put on me (ones that i should have always carried, probably, but didn't). it gives me a feeling of accomplishment that i rarely feel, to know i went grocery shopping, got the laundry done, and the house cleaned all in one day. that's like a week's worth of shit right there. my poor OCD lover doesn't appreciate my side of the closet, or the spot of tile in our bathroom that houses my dirty clothes of the day. but i've washed sheets, the puppy, kitchen floors, made lunches, and successfully put on dinner for 6 night after night. which sounds minimal, but it's so huge for me.

i'm always so tired. so unmotivated. but to see him working so fucking hard for this family makes me force myself (more easily than i thought) to put in effort to pick up his slack (which isn't slack...it's him picking up my slack..). somehow, at the end of each day, it's all done. the kids are all fed, clothed, clean, and happy. we may be exhausted mentally and physically, but it's worth it for the nights when all 7 of us get to cuddle on the couch while each baby fights for prime real estate next to us, the pup asleep on the end of the couch, and we try to keep our eyes open so the kids can drill us with questions. that's what it's all about.

i'm exhausted. i want to cry, laugh, scream, sleep, and dance all at once.

i love my life. fucked up as it may be sometimes. i love it.

what i wouldn't give...

what i wouldn't give just to forget
what i wouldn't give to get some rest
so i can remember how to live again
i just wanna live again
-holly brook

woke up this morning unsure of my ability to survive the day. i scurried the kids off to school and asked boy child three to go upstairs and watch some tv for awhile. he asked if it was because i had a headache, i said yes. he hugged my neck and told me to feel better and disappeared up the stairs. this isn't my first 'headache', not by far. so i crawled back into bed, pulling all the pillows up over my head, and fell asleep with tears running down my face.

i tossed and turned with the ever vivid dreams of torture, doom, and impossible situations that push me to my emotional and physical limits. i woke up sweating and tense over and over. i finally dragged myself out of bed at noon.

i could go on and tell how the rest of the day went, but i'm sure you can pretty much assume. i hate this fight, this battle that exists inside me every second. my kids need me, my lover needs me. my house, my yard, and my responsibilities need me. i've got to push past it. but i'm so exhausted.

today sucked.

i have been looking forward to this weekend all week, but now i'm afraid i'll ruin it all. mark's mom has offered to take the kids tomorrow so we can have a night alone, especially since he starts a new job on monday. i've never not needed a date night. then saturday we get to sleep in, go get the kids, and enjoy our annual neighborhood block party/cinco de mayo celebration saturday night. i just hope i can muster the strength to pull myself out of this pit by tomorrow. i feel like my feet are trapped in sand, like i'm carrying a pack of bricks on my back, like i could sleep for a week, but my head won't stop spinning. thinking. obsessing. guilting. being filled with anger.

oh what i wouldn't give to just forget.
to get some rest.
to be fucking normal.