It is not out of anger, it is not out of spite, it is not out of hurt that I've left my Christian faith. It's because after 23 years of it, and years of intimate soul searching and questioning, my personal conclusion is that it just doesn't work for me. It's as simple as that. I have the life experience, and the knowledge to be able to firmly, and with total confidence, say that I am no longer a Christian. This is my personal truth.
Being agnostic means, for me, that I am not discounting the possibility of a higher power, but for me it is an unknowable fact. Nobody can prove any of it. We can split atoms, but we can’t prove the existence of God. Some may say that a miraculous cure of cancer is proof. Yes it’s proof, proof that sometimes strange things happen, but I just can’t believe that for the one who is miraculously cured, they are cured because of the amount of prayers said over them or for the strength of their faith. What about the thousands of others who aren’t cured? Did they not have enough prayers said over them?
Leaving Christianity is not just an excuse for me falling away, and it is not a rebellion. It is purely what I genuinely feel. The more I studied Christianity, and the more I grew up and experienced the world, the less sense Christianity made to me. I tried for years to throw myself into every Bible study, kept a faithful prayer journal, and never missed an opportunity to gather with other Christians. But I can honestly say that I’ve never truly felt the presence of God, as I’ve heard some describe. It wasn’t for lack of trying. Another thing I could never wrap my head around is just how evil the world can be. There is too much evil in this world for me to believe it is all “God’s will” much less a supernatural battle between God and Satan.
My leaving is not about my past experiences and hurts. I know many wonderful Christian people, and I also know many hypocritical Christians. I know some truly selfless atheists, and some people with black hearts. I’ve been very hurt by my family, and they happen to be devout Christians, most of whom have devoted their entire lives to ministry, but that is a separate issue between my family and me. I have known way too many amazing Christian people for my family alone to cast such a dark shadow on Christianity. By no means do I believe that Christians are wrong, or that I am necessarily right. For Christians, it is right. That is their personal truth that is their right. Who am I to say that they are wrong for not believing what I do or for making sense of something that I simply cannot? And who is anyone else to say that I am wrong and that they know more than I do about my feelings? Accept me for who I am, but don’t judge me for who you think I should be.
I’m the same Hilary. I love vanilla coke, open fields, doodling, and green. I hate mornings. I love seeing the beauty in small things, like the robin next to the porch sitting on her 4 eggs. I love watching my children grow. I love being in love. I love my life. I am happy. So don’t feel sadness, because the kingdom didn’t lose me, I was never really there. This life is short, you live it your way, and I’ll live it mine.
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they’ll know that we are Christians by our love…
“…I just had to come see you with my own eyes because the word of the family is that you’re a slave” –Marty Lynn
To sin I’m assuming?
“…there are people overseas dying for their faith, doesn’t that mean anything to you?” –Marty Lynn
Yes, of course it does. There are also soldiers dying for their country. Just because the Christians are martyring themselves shouldn’t make me feel ashamed to say that I am no longer a Christian. I applaud anyone who sacrifices their own lives for a greater cause, for their personal calling. So yes, that means something to me. But in no way will I be guilted into Christianity.
“You are not the person you were raised to be. You are no longer my granddaughter.” –Marty Lynn
Because I don’t believe what you do? That’s absurd.
“You know she says those things because she loves you.” –Libby Lynn
Really? Does that make sense at all?
“All I’ve heard from family and friends is them expressing their sadness for you.” –Libby Lynn
Why? Because I’ve chosen a different path? So can I be sad for you because you are blinded by your religion? No! It’s your right, your calling, your life to live. And I support that 100%.
After my grandmother came to my house and berated me for my lifestyle, and refused to hear me out, she continued on to go back to the family and gossip to the point that my cousins were nervous to see me because they thought I was in such horrible shape. I then had to spend three hours sorting out truth from rumor with my cousins. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
Not a single one of you have asked me about the divorce, or about the new people in my life. So I’m writing this email out of utter exacerbation at your treatment of me. Are you that ignorant to think that because I’ve chosen a new lifestyle, I should be treated with a complete lack of respect? I’m here to let you know what happened, and where I stand now with all of you. I am NOT here to burn bridges; I am only seeking your acceptance. I accept you and all your beliefs and lifestyles, why can I not receive the same from you?
You’ve remained silent in regards to my new life. So here is the truth from me, not what you’ve surmised from facebook or discussed amongst yourselves. This has got to end.
I knew my marriage with Nathan was over in March of 2009. I told him then. We attended counseling off and on for the next year; then in May of 2010 I told him it was over. He agreed to move out. (This all came from years of him not being there for me, not being the husband and father I needed him to be , then after begging him not to join the military, he signed a 12 year contract with them.) Because I was at my breaking point mentally, physically, and emotionally, he agreed to help fund me to take a trip to Tennessee just to get away. I had an amazing time with great friends, and met someone else. I told Nathan about Mark, because I didn’t see the point in hiding it from him.
In July I let him know I was moving to Tennessee. He agreed, and once he was back from Quantico, he gave me the $2500 he’d earned there and helped me pack up the U-Haul. He waved goodbye early in the morning of August 26th as we drove away. I’d never felt more liberated in my life. I made it to Tennessee late that night, settled in, and laid low to avoid family bombardment. I went to bartending school and got my certificate. I then got a job as a cocktail server.
I realized I needed to check my credit card statement and saw that Nathan had charged $1000 to it in a month mostly to clothes stores, bars, and car repairs. I stopped the credit card and had the address changed to here in Tennessee. I confronted him and he denied it. I was working 50 hours a week to cover expenses. He hadn’t sent me any money. I moved in with my boyfriend, Mark, who graciously took us in. Right before Christmas, I walked in and quit my job. My reasons for quitting were; a kitchen manager and a floor manager had been sexually inappropriate to me beyond the point of what I could stand, and because it exacerbated my depression.
I filed for divorce here in Tennessee, and it was an amicable divorce. Nathan hadn’t paid me a dime since I left. I asked for health insurance for the boys, half of Oliver’s pre-school tuition for next year, and help with travel expenses once he was active military. I also asked for help with the credit card debt which was very high and had a 30% interest rate. He agreed to only the travel expenses. My children are uninsured, and Oliver will only be able to attend 2 days a week next year because I can’t afford it, and I am eating a very large credit card bill every month. He also asked me to lie about the number of days he’ll have with the boys so he wouldn’t have to pay so much in support. He dragged his feet on signing the divorce papers, complaining about the child support amount, which my lawyer told him was the lowest amount he’s ever seen for 2 children. It took me threatening to go contested for him to sign. He calls the boys every 2-3 weeks. He didn’t tell me his summer plans that I’ve been asking for since March, so I went ahead with our summer plans. He called me today to let me know his plans. He will have the boys for 2 weeks this summer. He is not as heartbroken or pathetic as he may have you believe.
I decided to go back to school to become a paramedic and possibly go on to be a nurse. I filled out the paperwork and will start this fall. We are making a family of seven work on a fireman’s salary until then. I am happy, I am whole, except for the issue of my family.
Mark is a wonderful man with three wonderful children. Aidan and Oliver absolutely adore him. We are very happy together. I am asking for you to accept my new life. That means my whole life; my new beliefs, Mark and his children, and the fact that I’ve finally found who I truly am. I’m tired of only being talked to in order to speak to Aidan and Oliver. If you cannot accept me and everything that comes with me, I can’t continue playing this game. It’s hurtful. I’ll take a non-response from this email as you not accepting me. I love you all very much, but this simply can’t continue.
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they’ll know that we are Christians by our love…
“…I just had to come see you with my own eyes because the word of the family is that you’re a slave” –Marty Lynn
To sin I’m assuming?
“…there are people overseas dying for their faith, doesn’t that mean anything to you?” –Marty Lynn
Yes, of course it does. There are also soldiers dying for their country. Just because the Christians are martyring themselves shouldn’t make me feel ashamed to say that I am no longer a Christian. I applaud anyone who sacrifices their own lives for a greater cause, for their personal calling. So yes, that means something to me. But in no way will I be guilted into Christianity.
“You are not the person you were raised to be. You are no longer my granddaughter.” –Marty Lynn
Because I don’t believe what you do? That’s absurd.
“You know she says those things because she loves you.” –Libby Lynn
Really? Does that make sense at all?
“All I’ve heard from family and friends is them expressing their sadness for you.” –Libby Lynn
Why? Because I’ve chosen a different path? So can I be sad for you because you are blinded by your religion? No! It’s your right, your calling, your life to live. And I support that 100%.
After my grandmother came to my house and berated me for my lifestyle, and refused to hear me out, she continued on to go back to the family and gossip to the point that my cousins were nervous to see me because they thought I was in such horrible shape. I then had to spend three hours sorting out truth from rumor with my cousins. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
Not a single one of you have asked me about the divorce, or about the new people in my life. So I’m writing this email out of utter exacerbation at your treatment of me. Are you that ignorant to think that because I’ve chosen a new lifestyle, I should be treated with a complete lack of respect? I’m here to let you know what happened, and where I stand now with all of you. I am NOT here to burn bridges; I am only seeking your acceptance. I accept you and all your beliefs and lifestyles, why can I not receive the same from you?
You’ve remained silent in regards to my new life. So here is the truth from me, not what you’ve surmised from facebook or discussed amongst yourselves. This has got to end.
I knew my marriage with Nathan was over in March of 2009. I told him then. We attended counseling off and on for the next year; then in May of 2010 I told him it was over. He agreed to move out. (This all came from years of him not being there for me, not being the husband and father I needed him to be , then after begging him not to join the military, he signed a 12 year contract with them.) Because I was at my breaking point mentally, physically, and emotionally, he agreed to help fund me to take a trip to Tennessee just to get away. I had an amazing time with great friends, and met someone else. I told Nathan about Mark, because I didn’t see the point in hiding it from him.
In July I let him know I was moving to Tennessee. He agreed, and once he was back from Quantico, he gave me the $2500 he’d earned there and helped me pack up the U-Haul. He waved goodbye early in the morning of August 26th as we drove away. I’d never felt more liberated in my life. I made it to Tennessee late that night, settled in, and laid low to avoid family bombardment. I went to bartending school and got my certificate. I then got a job as a cocktail server.
I realized I needed to check my credit card statement and saw that Nathan had charged $1000 to it in a month mostly to clothes stores, bars, and car repairs. I stopped the credit card and had the address changed to here in Tennessee. I confronted him and he denied it. I was working 50 hours a week to cover expenses. He hadn’t sent me any money. I moved in with my boyfriend, Mark, who graciously took us in. Right before Christmas, I walked in and quit my job. My reasons for quitting were; a kitchen manager and a floor manager had been sexually inappropriate to me beyond the point of what I could stand, and because it exacerbated my depression.
I filed for divorce here in Tennessee, and it was an amicable divorce. Nathan hadn’t paid me a dime since I left. I asked for health insurance for the boys, half of Oliver’s pre-school tuition for next year, and help with travel expenses once he was active military. I also asked for help with the credit card debt which was very high and had a 30% interest rate. He agreed to only the travel expenses. My children are uninsured, and Oliver will only be able to attend 2 days a week next year because I can’t afford it, and I am eating a very large credit card bill every month. He also asked me to lie about the number of days he’ll have with the boys so he wouldn’t have to pay so much in support. He dragged his feet on signing the divorce papers, complaining about the child support amount, which my lawyer told him was the lowest amount he’s ever seen for 2 children. It took me threatening to go contested for him to sign. He calls the boys every 2-3 weeks. He didn’t tell me his summer plans that I’ve been asking for since March, so I went ahead with our summer plans. He called me today to let me know his plans. He will have the boys for 2 weeks this summer. He is not as heartbroken or pathetic as he may have you believe.
I decided to go back to school to become a paramedic and possibly go on to be a nurse. I filled out the paperwork and will start this fall. We are making a family of seven work on a fireman’s salary until then. I am happy, I am whole, except for the issue of my family.
Mark is a wonderful man with three wonderful children. Aidan and Oliver absolutely adore him. We are very happy together. I am asking for you to accept my new life. That means my whole life; my new beliefs, Mark and his children, and the fact that I’ve finally found who I truly am. I’m tired of only being talked to in order to speak to Aidan and Oliver. If you cannot accept me and everything that comes with me, I can’t continue playing this game. It’s hurtful. I’ll take a non-response from this email as you not accepting me. I love you all very much, but this simply can’t continue.
Very moving and powerful post, as I too have had some of the same thoughts as you.. I'm very proud of you Hilary, it seems like you are becoming more "you" instead of what everyone else wants you to be. Very inspirational.
ReplyDeleteYou have had much pain and disappointment and it is hard to understand sometimes where is God in all of it! My faith took a tumble when my daughter died - I no longer wanted to live - I was so very angry at God. I wanted to die for a couple of years but as time went on I realized that God does not protect us from life but He does carry us through and give us the strength to endure. Life is never fair!!
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