living...honestly.

hold on if you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

i have found it. i have found that place of total comfort and love. so cliche but i feel like i'm literally tucked under a protective wing. i feel like i have someone surrounding every ounce of me, protecting me. and i can breathe. and i can rest. and oh how i needed it. it still feels new, but weirdly comfortable. i can say this, and mean it with 100% of my being...for the first. the FIRST. time in my life, i can be who i truly am. i'm not stuffed in a box. there are no boundaries, just purely feeling out myself and who i am. and i'm embracing it. and love's embracing it. and it's absolutely incredible. how have i been missing this my entire life?! how did i ever survive? i don't know. all i know is it's still hard to live the life you choose.

my depression rears it's ugly head more than i'd like. more than i can control. love is all brand new to it, so i've realized how difficult it is to explain. how do you describe such a complex and scary thing? so i allude it to a cloud. a dark, heavy cloud that pushes into me on all sides and follows me everywhere. that creepy antidepressant commercial with the wind up doll? yeah that's actually pretty good. in order to do something as simple as get out of bed requires "winding up". i have to tell myself it's just a day and i'll get through it because i have to. because the clock moves no matter what. and i watch the day move by, however slowly. shamefully, as i sit here, i didn't shower today and am still in the pjs i put on last night. some days i have to rest and stop fighting.


my panic attacks have worsened lately, but i think that's just normal life stresses...my brain tends to overheat rather easily. i keep trying to get myself in my craft room to get working on things...but i put it off. i think i'm almost scared of it. some nights i just get in a funk and i feel like i have enough control to pull myself out of it, but i choose not to. because i'm scared. because it's almost easier to just let it take over. because it's all i've ever known.

other times it takes every ounce of strength, every thought must be directed, just to function.

and other times i can just soak up love, sunshine, life, and laughter. and be ok. which is incredible.

and still other times i can't stop crying. for no reason. and love holds me and pretends to be strong, even though i know fear is the overwhelming emotion. but i just can't speak. or breathe. and it hurts, physically hurts. and love hurts with me.

i'm not alone anymore. i'm admired. i'm held. i'm supported. i'm encouraged. i'm beautiful. i'm full. i'm whole. i'm me. love.

so as for now, i'm managing this roller coaster of an illness with walks in the sunshine, vitamins, acceptance, hugs, b12 shots, tears, healthy eating and living, and love. putting off getting on an antidepressant, but feeling it's impending doom.

i'll keep you posted. like i said, it's hard to live the life you choose, but what a wonderful ride it is. i wouldn't ever go back. this is living. this is love. this is incredible.

choices

sorry about the lack in posts. not sure yet how much i'm ready to share.

it's hard to live the life you choose.

my life is great. amazing, actually. but i still battle daily with depression and anxiety. it's back to the point of contemplating medication. that's for another post. a much deeper and darker post.

my new outlook on life is this: live it. don't regret it. don't take experiences and feelings for granted. live them to the fullest. don't live for someone else. embrace this wonderful world we live in.

i hold on to that with all my might, even while the thousand ton weight of my depression sits on my shoulders. it's an exhausting process. one that i so want to write about and share, but can't quite form into words yet.

i'm an oxymoron. i'm happier than i've ever been but can't motivate myself enough to take a shower. and such is life. more to come. i'm working on it.

thank you to those few who stand by me and support, love, and encourage me. you are treasures.

this is what a sigh looks like

i have feelings and thoughts exploding out of me but no time or space to write them in.

fighting every sunrise.

loving every hug.

dreading every responsibility.

embracing every chance to laugh.

surviving on the balance that is my new life.

...and the world spins madly on.

[feel what it's like to be new]

the way i am

i get to hold my babies tomorrow. my heart is aching for them.

i should probably get a job soon. i don't like being a grown-up.

i only have simple words and thoughts tonight...so here's a song that can say it better than i can.

if you were falling, then i would catch you
you need a light, i'd find a match

cause i love the way you say good morning
and you take me the way i am

if you are chilly, here take my sweater
your head is aching; i'll make it better

cause i love the way you call me baby
and you take me the way i am

i'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
sew on patches to all you tear

cause i love you more than i could ever promise
and you take me the way i am

you take me the way i am
...broken and all.

tears and sighs tonight. but in it all i feel strong and i feel loved. thank you.

resolution

i made a list on my other blog about things i'd like to do this year. but my top priority this year is to kick my depression in the ass. i will be stronger than it, i will be healthy, i will be happy, i will be a good mother, i will enjoy life, i will find joy in my days, i will prevail. i've got a long, hard road ahead of me. but i'm determined.