darkness

my kids made me cry today. (but i didn't let them see) they just don't listen.
i was frustrated.mad.angry.
i wanted to walk out the door but i didn't. [that could be said for most days]
i want to scream.
i want to run.
running wouldn't be fast enough.
i want to fly.
how is this my life.

ring day

i've lost control of my emotions. i'm all over the map.

nathan gets his aggie ring tomorrow. (for those of you not familiar with texas a&m, this is a HUGE deal)

i'm happy for him and proud of him, but it just reminds me how stagnant i am in my dreams, goals, and life.

i bought 2 bottles of wine to get me through this weekend.

playing god

i can't make my own decisions

or make any with precision

well maybe you should tie me up

so i don't go where you don't want me

you say that i've been changing

that i'm not just simply aging

yeah how could that be logical

just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

you don't have to believe me

but the way i see it

next time you point a finger i might have to bend it back or break it, break it off

next time you point a finger, i'll point you to the mirror

if god's the game that you're playing

well then we must get more aquainted

because it has to be so lonely to be the only one who's holy

it's just my humble opinion but it's one that i believe in

you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you

you don't have to believe me

but the way i see it

next time you point a finger i might have to bend it back or break it off

next time you point a finger i'll point you to the mirror

this is the last second chance

i'm half as good as it gets

i'm on both sides of the fence

without a hint of regret

i'll hold you to it

playing god

paramore

anyone else hear me?

crumbling

here's what i need: a (AT LEAST) 3 month vacation away from kids, school, and this apartment. i'm being completely serious. i'd miss the kids, but not enough to not do it. i feel on the verge of running away when i think about another week of school. another week of kids. another week of nathan not being home ever. another week of not having any money. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. times 100. anyone feeling generous? anyone want to save a family, a marriage, and a soul? i gotta get out of here.

ruby beach, washington

if i could go anywhere in the world, it'd be there. i think about it more than i should. i look up pictures online. my heart wants to be there. i went there as a child, and standing on the beach at sunset looking at the rocks shooting up out of the beach covered in a mist, i got a tingling and aching feeling inside. i've never been anywhere like it. i can't wait to go back.

this weekend my mom came to town. for easter we went to a&m church of christ, then had lunch with good friends from there. i'm pretty sure my blood boiled more than once while i was there. i'm glad i went, because i've been needing closure. it was hard to do. but it reinforced to me that it's not at all where i need to be. or ever want to be again. i feel relieved knowing that. it's closed. it's done. it's gone. and i feel great.

i'm seriously not sure how (and if) i'll make it through this summer. this has been the hardest semester. i'm so thankful that i've been able to handle it better. my mood has been up, my productivity has been existant, and overall it's just been the best semester i've had (mood/energy/spirit wise). thank you lord for matching my best semester with nathan's worst (school wise). but this summer, we're making plans for nathan and his dad to fly to florida and watch the shuttle launch on may 14th (they'll be there a few days) then come back and work full time until may 21st when he heads to virginia for 42 days. then he'll come home and go straight back to work full time. and probably start prepping for school. then school starts. i'm jealous of him. i see him meeting goals and fulfilling dreams one by one. there's an end in sight for him. just thinking about it and i get a lump in my throat and a burning in my chest. i'm happy for him, but so jealous. so angry. and i feel like it's just not fair. yes, i'm 4 years old. this summer will be hard. emotionally, physically, financially....but it's coming. all i can do is attempt to prepare.

i'm exhausted. i need a massage. and a bottle (or two) of wine. i feel overwhelmed.