body image

i'm in terrible shape. don't shake your head at me. i am. seriously. ok..maybe not terrible...but i can't say i'm in good shape. yesterday was my "audition" for bodystep and i made it through half the class...then in the middle of the 3rd track i was teaching, i seriously thought i was going to pass out. i was thinking, 'the director is going to have to call an ambulance and i won't be able to teach. ever. because i died.' i didn't realize how much more effort i'd have to exert just by talking. it probably didn't help that i was beyond nervous. oh well. i got through it...barely...and she gave a thumbs up and left. and....breathe. it's done.




i didn't work out at all today. it was nice. but i've got to do something to get my endurance up...help.



i'm nervous about bathing suit season. last year was my first year back in a bikini since i had babies. i probably made a few people gag in their throats. hopefully this year will be better. i'm working on it. my tummy and thighs are stubborn. bleh.



i think indoor tanning is stupid. it's the same as smoking cigarettes to me. cancer-inducing-completely-unhealthy...and everyone knows it by now. i did it before my wedding...i had about 5 sessions because i had bathing suit lines on my shoulders and my dress was strapless. i haven't done it since then, but i'm planning on having 2 or 3 (10 minute) sessions this spring right before summer. cringe. but i get really pale in the summer and i'm always self conscious the first few times i'm out in my suit. so i want to take the blinding glow off of my tummy before i go in public.



nathan's gonna flip.



why is my body image so poor? why are my standards set so high? i work out more to lose weight and tighten..things...that have fallen...than to be healthy. i know it's skewed. i'm so thankful i don't have a little girl. it's unreal to me the pressures that fall onto girls today....i only hope i can raise my boys to be respectful and to look inward. what a hard world these kids are growing up in. it's terrifying..all the responsibility that falls on us as parents. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. i'm blessed with wonderfully sweet boys.



is there anything you would like to know about me? is there anything you'd like to hear my opinion on? any questions..about anything? if you've ever had a conversation with me you know i'm quite open. i've been wanting to devote a blog post to answering people's questions but i've been afraid to try because i'm afraid nobody will have any questions. so, humor me, and think of one. you can email me if you want and i can make it anonymous if you'd rather.

can it be? is it she?

i'm officially

happy.

can.you.even.believe.it.

cause i can't.

i don't know why, i don't know what happened. i won't question it. i think i'll just jump up and down and sing about it. i haven't felt like this in years. and i'm not exaggerating. i'm talking 5 plus years.

i'm still struggling with my faith in god. questioning, wondering, thinking. i'd rather question and be uncertain than buy into the hype and just accept my parent's faith. i want to be true.genuine.real.consistent.

nathan swore into the marines today. i'm happy for him, and proud of him...but i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack in the office. my heart was racing, my hands were sweating, i was shaking and nauseous. i wanted to tell him not to, like i did 2 years ago. it was strange.  and it subsided.

i didn't tell him that. i guess he'll find out here.
[i did everything for you]

i actually feel stupid being happy. i'm so used to being gloomy. it's something i'm willing to feel stupid for. i can't even describe the weight that has been lifted off my soul.

so wish me luck. i'm off to shit rainbows and star gaze.

a little bit of this a little bit of that

see the nasty-ness that is my 4th toes? and the lovly-ness that is my appletini? (why this picture is on THIS blog. don't want phone calls tomorrow, yall.) the nasty-ness is a blood blister. under those toes. from body step. and that dark spot on my left big toe? a blister that i popped saturday night, that formed again on sunday during the training. so, i'm hoping i don't lose those 2 toenails....GROSS. i've been wearing different tennis shoes since then, and mostly flip flops because it's been 70 here. :))))) but the worst part? my shins!! i thought about taking a picture. but..there's nothing to see. so it'd just be a picture of my legs. and that's kind of weird. my shins hurt. like hell. shin splints, anyone? i've never had them. i made it through 30 minutes of step today. and that was taking it easy. i thought my legs were going to collapse under me they hurt so bad. UGH! this is not the time. i finally decide to become some-what physically active and my legs start to hate me for it. frustration is leaking out of my head.

sorry i haven't blogged lately. i'm avoiding it, honestly. i'm feeling somewhat better, and i don't want to jinx it. :) i'm on no meds...just some melatonin at night. (which is working WONDERS by the way....i've been drinking a bit more, so maybe it's the combination of those things. i don't care what it is, i'm sleeping.) i'm still having dreams, but it's not near like it was. horrah!

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately. i know i'm in a crucial time in my life, a time when i'll grow and change and be molded into who/what i will be the rest of my life. it's a sensitive and vulnerable time, and i'm very aware of that. [[some days i want to just spread my wings and fly away.]] i feel things that are so true and vivid. i see color and beauty in things i didn't notice before. [cliche...but aren't most things?] i'm still pretty friend-less. but it doesn't scare me. i drink more at night, but i laugh more during the day. i kiss my husband on purpose. [and with purpose] i haven't talked to my dad in a month, and that's ok. because i'm not reverting to the normal "me" who would have called him 2 days later and been "normal" and "ok". let's do more of "this". ok, "done". and the whole god thing? that's another post. it's so complicated. yes, i believe. yes, i want to model my life that way. yes, i want to raise my children that way. "that way" being christian. BUT, that old church of christ stuff that was slammed down my throat all my life, NO THANK YOU. and for those of you cocers (hahahah) out there, oh please just think about it before you slam it. ok? ok. it's painful. and it burns. and it pushes people away. OH THAT'S ANOTHER POST, HILARY. i don't even want to go there right now. it makes me all firey inside. thanks for trying to make me someone i wasn't, and for trying to shove me in a box i never will fit into. seriously, i'm done.

ok. i'm going to go watch the office and be completely brainless until bedtime. i'll pick this up later. i'm losing my train of thought. but i'm feeling better. relief, relief, relief. be happy for me. :)

busy busy

so sorry for the looong time between posts. we've actually been busy. i'll update a little later this week. boys are home, nathan's at work. yuck. they'll have their penis surgery on wednesday...yikes. just a little circumcision correction. then thursday we'll drive them half way to abilene and give them to the in laws, then nathan and i are headed to austin. possibly. then on friday, the woodlands. possibly. then get the kids on sunday, then back to hacking away at school until it's finished. i'm so ready for a break. i'll catch up asap. i've been feeling non-bloggish lately.