lack of anything

i'm feeling a lacking of everything. most of all hope.

my hope has taken a nose dive this week. today being the worst of it all. life sucks sometimes.

imagine the worst, most demoralizing job you could every apply for. then go in for an interview, thinking "how could they NOT call me back." i mean the chick in front of me came in wearing sweats for gods sake. so all day today i kept my phone by me waiting on a sure phone call from a job i absolutely can't believe i even lowered myself to apply for. and it didn't come. needless to say, i made quite a strong drink and cried.

i'm so sick of this stupid game. i've applied for over 40 jobs. i've had three potentials come out of it. one was a scam i fell for somehow and ended up canceling mark's debit card over it. gave them my social and everything else though. i'm a fucking idiot sometimes. i'm 26 not 80 and naive about computer shit. the other fizzled out into nothing. and the last one required i work holidays and that's just not happening. i guess at some point beggars can't be choosers but dammit.

i feel like i'm letting my family down by not working. our kids deserve a fabulous christmas, and our credit cards deserve a fucking break. i do my best to be a mom, to run this crazy home, to cook, clean, to love. but sometimes i just feel so inadequate. what a low day for me.

but i carry on. because i'm thankful for my best friend and lover, for my kids, for my home, my life. and no matter how scary bills get, and no matter how many shitty ass jobs don't call me back, i have 6 crazy and amazing reasons to smile about. maybe 7 if you count bronx.

i do it for him. and her. and her. and him. and him.

miracle not so much

they took away my manic drug. now i'm just on the "miracle" drug. i feel flat. flat as shit. plus, i'm in the process of getting a job that will start before the month is over.

oh hello black hole of life.

manic

what's it like to be manic every.single.day?!

it's like perfectly scrubbed baseboards
sparkling showers, kitchen, toilets
tens of projects littering the garage
90 mile an hour stories and gibberish
being so anxious i can't sit
feeling antisocial to the point of bailing each time
tears because i'm torn between projects
and so so much more.

is being manic every day better than being severely depressed every day?! i'm still not sure....

gushy

my love,

in the past week i have;

1. spent 5 hours on the biggest love letter of all time in the form of a giant canvas to hang on our wall
2. drug said canvas to the backyard and thrown it over the fence over a stupid wine-induced-emotional-rage
3. thrown a crying fit and left the house in the broken down impala only to sit in a parking lot a block from our house crying for 20 minutes before coming home looking for a hug 

in the past week you have;

1. read the canvas, in it's crazy entirety, the second you and i were alone in our room
2. fished said canvas from behind the back fence, stashed it in the playroom for safe keeping, and accepted me in the morning and my stupid apology
3. opened the door for me with open arms, not allowing me to be such an emotional wreck and ruin our night

i don't care how crazy this makes me sound, because you are the balance to my crazy. you are the rock to my crazy. you somehow deal with me and love me. it will probably take my entire life, but i WILL return it all to you. every ounce of love, every teeth clenching, gut wrenching moment you've endured for me. thank you, my darling, for being my foundation, the only thing familiar to me when i'm lost, the only light i feel when i can't open my eyes, the only life i've ever ever ever wanted. ILYSFUCKINGM.
 
i never thought
that you would be the one to hold my heart
but you came around
and you knocked me off the ground from the start
you put your arms around me and i'm home