unmedicated

welcome to my life. the life of a bipolar, crazy, unmedicated woman. the blog is public again because i've vowed to attempt to keep my bitter rantings out of it. that's not why i created this blog. ((don't worry, i saved all of your email addresses for when i decide to recoil and make it private again...)) ya never know.

i've been off my meds completely for 2 weeks now. lemme tell ya, it's not a pretty thing. i have an appointment with an md/psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders. i've been on the waiting list for 2 months now, and they called the other day to push it back another 10 days. august 10th. d-day. i am going in armed with 8 years' worth of medications, treatments, and other failed methods (aka church, prayer, etc). mark and the kids couldn't be more ready for this change. ((no the kids don't know about my doctor visit, medications, or gory details of my disease)) they're ready, they just don't know how ready they are. mark is ready and DOES know how ready he is. poor bastard deserves a trophy at this rate. or maybe just a 'normal' partner. yeah. that would probably be best.

i have only my parents' support and love to thank for this amazing opportunity. as i filter through the issues in my past i've had with them, as angry as i may get, i always break down in mark's arms begging for my parents. i miss them and they truly are so dear to my heart. they are me. i am them. i miss them. i love them deeply. if i keep writing about them, i'll cry. and i swore i wouldn't cry tonight.

so what's it like being off medication? oh you know. piece of cake. i don't get out of bed before noon, i lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours at a time, the kids run out of milk for their cereal, i cry while begging my son to just.leave.me.alone. i resist the urge to find that long lost razor blade, just to prove i'm alive and that i can feel. i focus on how dusty the house is, or how dirty the curtains are, or how empty the walls are and busy myself cleaning, projecting, and crafting.

i make a strong drink when i'm ready for sleep, because if i don't, i won't. my brain spins all day and night. why am i here? what good am i? why is this the hand i've been dealt? why can't i just grab the kids and love on them like i want? why can't i get out of bed? why can't i just feel something? anything? besides guilt, anger, and hatred for myself. i'm spunky! i'm fun! i'm cheerful...for fucks sake my name means 'cheerful hope'! and i so am. i SO am. it's in there, but i can't get it out. it burns through me. i sit there staring at my messy pile of shoes and clothes on my side of the closet while i hold one of mark's worn shirts, sobbing into it just waiting to feel normal. to feel different. 'cry it out' is not something i can do anymore, not unmedicated.

this is my life. this is me. all i can do is embrace it. fight it. fix it. this is my cancer, my sickness. this is mine to deal with in this life. not mark's, not my five kids' issue. mine. a weaker person would have crumbled by now, right?

oh but i feel so weak. i'm getting through my days minute by minute. sometimes, second by second. but i claw through them. because i'm stubborn. because this damned thing is not going to take me over. because i'm better, stronger, and way fucking more awesome than this.

this internal struggle is absolutely exhausting. some days i don't come out as on top as i'd hoped, but i haven't given up yet. and i won't. i'm so close. maybe one day this will be a blessing. i know myself internally more intimately than i ever knew someone could. that sounds weird. but everything i do is so spontaneously calculated. so randomly explained. to me. i know me. more than anyone ever ever will. when i have mood snaps, i know why. i know what caused it. i know how to counter it. i just don't know how to make others understand it. i don't always have the strength to control it, but i know it.

i truly love my life. i just can't wait to fully live this life that i love. and to show the people closest to me just how amazing it all is. soon, soon.

this is my therapy. thank you all for the love and support.

love love love.