i don't remember much about that time,
just the smell of the air and your hand in mine
riding the strip, sittin' on my lap
in the back of the truck with the only friends I had
it was spring break, we were out late,
and i thought goodness for heavens sake when i saw you
and then I kissed you...
on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend
like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the sound of the boat
starting up, heading out of the bay
girl you faded away.
i still taste the shots on your lips that night,
and the smoke from the club still burns my eyes
feel of your body takin' off your dress,
waking up that morning in a tangled mess.
so if i'd have known, i'da held on
a little bit longer and stronger with nothing to lose,
cause i still see you...
on a balcony over the sun
in a chair by the rail, high above everyone
we made love as the waves rolled in
and we owned that town for one weekend.
i watched you drive through the gate
without saying the words i needed to say.
like the tan on my skin, our names in the sand
like the tears on your face
and the sun going down that day
girl you... faded away
you faded away
-faded away ((luke bryan))
ever almost lose the one thing you could never bear to lose? i almost did. but i didn't. last weekend was just a clusterfuck. it's had me reflecting on what really is important in my life. my priorities. remembering that mark is my number one. if we're not good, the family isn't good. he saves me every day.
part one.
i was sitting in my usual spot...in front of the computer listening to music, dreaming of another life, and reading blogs. of course, i had my bottle of wine right next to me. the nights he was gone, which were most of them, i didn't bother with a glass. i was on facebook and started up a chat with a friend i'd met during my semester at lipscomb in nashville 4 years earlier. we hadn't kept in touch much at all, but that night we poured our hearts out to each other. she suggested i get a plane ticket and come see her for a weekend in tennessee. i bought the ticket, then later that night i told him i was going.
i made it to tennessee, and she was planning on heading to destin that weekend with a group of firefighters. the plan was to lay on the beach all day, then party with them at night. i extended my ticket another 4 days. so desperate for something, anything. she her firefighter buddy worked together and decided mark and i might be a good match for the weekend. i went along with it one, because i was miserable, and two, because i'd seen his picture and i'm not a stupid woman. it was supposed to be a fling. nothing more than a good weekend.
then their boat broke.
that night we went to eat at a restaurant on the coast, then to a crowded bar in the city. he made me laugh harder than i'd laughed in years. it was awkwardly wonderful. i felt like a middle schooler and tripped over myself every time he looked at me. he grabbed my hand and led me through the bar, which was our first physical contact. (except when we first met. i got out of the car, and he hugged me. he said he did it to keep from falling over.) i whispered to my friend asking if she thought he liked me...she told her boyfriend, who, to my horror, loudly asked him if he thought i was cute. he said yes. i was a bumbling fool at this point.
the next morning we went for a drive looking for a waffle house. turns out there were 2 within a mile of our hotel room, but we were too starstruck to see them. so we ended up at chick fil a. we went to a mexican restaurant for lunch, drank margaritas, and then headed back to the broken boat. i hadn't been to the beach yet, so i was trying to persuade my friend to go with me. she didn't want to go, but mark said he'd go. (which was what i was hoping for anyway...) so we made it to the beach right at sunset. we walked out to the water and i chatted his ear off. telling him every story i'd ever heard. we people watched, but mainly just watched each other....
that night we got ready to go out, got in the truck, and i was trying to be a badass and drive the monster. (because i'm from texas and know how to drive a truck...?...ha) mark was next to me and next thing i know, i look over and he's on the ground on his back. all i see are his flip flops in the air. apparently he didn't realize the door was open and was trying to show off. he had to change. while i sat in the truck and giggled. we went to aj's which is a bar looking over the ocean. we drank and sang and danced. i asked him to show me where the bathrooms were, and so he came with me. once i came out, he was standing against the rail of a balcony over the water. i went to him, and he kissed me. i was sure i was in a movie. or dream. or something. it was unbelieveably surreal. we spent that night steaming up truck windows...which would have been romantic if it weren't for the van full of a family next to us that stayed there ALL NIGHT.
....part two coming up next...the rest of our first weekend together, then the whirlwind of a story we have after that. this man is my rock, my lover, my best friend.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
attacked
these past few weeks have brought me back to feeling a need to be overwhelming self-preserving. i've felt this way before, of course. throwing up walls and shit.
once, when i was 17 and raped by a close family friend who was 26, but was too scared to tell anyone except my (then boyfriend, later husband,gratefully most recently) ex-husband, a mere 6 months later when i found out i was pregnant january of my senior year at a christian school by my (then boyfriend, later husband, gratefully most recently) ex-husband.
then, when i planned to abort my fetus (now, my sunshine)
then when i was forced by a christian adoption agency and my parents to adopt him out. how irresponsible it would be, for an 18 year old, to become a mother.
then by my family, claiming i was on my own should i choose motherhood at 18.
then by the christian adoption agency, the adoptive family, my family, and basically everyone in my life except for a precious handful, when i chose motherhood 10 days before the birth of my sunshine, aidan.
then again, when i conceived my second (which was "legitimate"...so it confused me a bit)...i believe my mother's exact words were, "oh i'm so sorry hilary, what are you going to do?!" and my dad said "...congratulations" in the most depressing way ever.
then again when i told my family of my rape and ....nothing.... was done. well, a discreet meeting with elders and prayer groups happened...but that didn't benefit me in the slightest. i was hoping for a castration. instead i got prayers and doubt.
then, when i realized my (gratefully) ex-husband was scared of my disease, of my depression and bipolarism, and ran away from me dropping me in a ditch to fend for myself in the dark. with an infant on my tit and a 2 year old on my hip.
then, when i was at the point of taking the babies in the car with me on drives at night for the sole reason i wouldn't run my car off the highway into a tree and would keep them safe, even if i couldn't/didn't want to keep myself safe.
then, when i stood up to everyone. and i mean everyone. and left my life in texas to start a new (and unplanned! oh the horror!) life in tennessee.
i had no consistent supporter, no one who stood by me all that time, no fairy in the sky who held my hand, nothing. but myself. and my own strength. and my will to survive. it wasn't graceful, or pretty, or easy. it was gut wrenching, excruciating, and raw. it was nasty, and at my lowest point i was barely holding my head up, slumped in the corner of the bathroom wishing for death with a razor blade in my hand.
but here i am. here WE are. because that free spirit in me that my family has always cursed, came out when nothing else would. because i'm stronger than all that. because life is for living. because i'm not a coward, i'm not willing to live a half-ass life and be miserable. god doesn't inspire me anymore. my children do. the sun does. my wonderful partnership with the most amazing man i've ever heard of does. colors do. stolen giggles behind closed doors do. this is life. this is MY life.
well now that we're current...back to the past few weeks. the first incident...well the information i can tell you is very limited pending a man twice my age growing a ball or two. i should lend him one of mine. if he ever does, i'll explain in detail. it'll be comical at that point. right now it makes my ears burn and my heart explode in anger. anyway, in once sentence, he works with the same fire department mark works at, and his wife went off her fucking rocker and came to my house, attacked me and threatened my family over about 10 text messages and a few exchanges of (accused, NOT EVER proven) googly eyes. so far, he has yet to sprout even the slightest hint of a silver chest hair and deal with this situation.
second incident. my puppy, my boy, my joey, attacked me. in a more literal sense. here's what i typed up for animal control:
February 15, 2012
I was sitting in the living room on the floor painting my nails. Joey (our 90 pound, 10 month old Great Dane) kept sticking his nose in everything and wouldn't lay on the couch, so I said “Joey, let's go outside.” He started bounding in circles from the kitchen to the living room. He has done this before but always stops after one or two circles and sits in his corner because he knows he's wrong. He continued to go in circles despite my verbal commands. I caught him and grabbed his collar and told him he was going outside, and he turned and latched on to my left forearm. I was startled and let him go. I then knew he wasn't playing and I knew I had to get the kids back. I had all 5 of my children at home, one at the kitchen table doing homework (age 6), one outside (age 5), two in their room (ages 11 and 9), and one upstairs (age 4). The one doing homework at the table got up to try and help me and I told him to sit and not get up. Joey lunged at me and was jumping up at me with all of his teeth bared. I caught him again by his collar, and pulled it off because it's loose. He continued lunging at me. At this point I was crying, shaking, and very scared. I grabbed him by the back of the neck, and attempted to drag him upstairs to where his kennel is. He turned and bit my left leg and tore a hole in my pants. I knew I couldn't get him upstairs, so I tried to drag him to the back door. He got away from me, and I was trying to catch him, and he came up behind me and jumped on my back, pushing my shoulders with his front paws and I fell down. He then grabbed my pony tail and pulled it. My adrenaline kicked in, and I somehow flipped him on his back and basically body slammed him to the ground and he knocked into a shelf and knocked a bunch of things over. I had him pinned to the ground and nearly strangled him. I then held onto his neck as hard as I could and tried to drag him to the front door, desperate to get him out of the house. He got away from me, and I called the 9 year old to stand in the doorway to help me catch him. He lunged at her and I caught him from behind. I grabbed his neck and he bit down on my left forearm and held on tight, gnawing at it. I just let him hold on and got him out the back door. I yelled at the child outside to come in and held onto Joey until he did. I then let him go and shut the door. He tried to follow me back in but moved his head just in time. I called my husband, who was at work, in a panic. He came home immediately and put Joey in his kennel. We let him out only to eat and go potty. I have never been so terrified in my life. I felt like I was fighting for my life, and for my children. I know if he wanted to he could have easily killed me. This act of aggression is inexcusable, and for the safety of myself and my children, my husband and I have decided he needs to be put down.
and he was put down on saturday the 18th. we had a behaviorist come to our home on friday after the attack. she has 25 years experience and travels to train k9 units for police departments, and specializes in aggressive dogs. she said joey is the third scariest dog she's ever encountered. she got a total creeper vibe from him the second she walked into the house. which really disturbed me...we knew nothing. but we're looking into another great dane. we just love the breed. he was mentally ill, and needed to go. but one bad one doesn't mean the whole breed is bad. he was such a sweetheart before all this, and exactly what we wanted out of a dog. the kids took it better than mark or i did. resilient.
so all this word vomit to say....i'm strong. you're strong. when you're at the bottom of your world, you're strong. not because you choose it. not because you roll up your sleeves and fight. because you survive. which is all it takes. just survive. life is good. love is good. everything changes.
once, when i was 17 and raped by a close family friend who was 26, but was too scared to tell anyone except my (then boyfriend, later husband,
then, when i planned to abort my fetus (now, my sunshine)
then when i was forced by a christian adoption agency and my parents to adopt him out. how irresponsible it would be, for an 18 year old, to become a mother.
then by my family, claiming i was on my own should i choose motherhood at 18.
then by the christian adoption agency, the adoptive family, my family, and basically everyone in my life except for a precious handful, when i chose motherhood 10 days before the birth of my sunshine, aidan.
then again, when i conceived my second (which was "legitimate"...so it confused me a bit)...i believe my mother's exact words were, "oh i'm so sorry hilary, what are you going to do?!" and my dad said "...congratulations" in the most depressing way ever.
then again when i told my family of my rape and ....nothing.... was done. well, a discreet meeting with elders and prayer groups happened...but that didn't benefit me in the slightest. i was hoping for a castration. instead i got prayers and doubt.
then, when i realized my (gratefully) ex-husband was scared of my disease, of my depression and bipolarism, and ran away from me dropping me in a ditch to fend for myself in the dark. with an infant on my tit and a 2 year old on my hip.
then, when i was at the point of taking the babies in the car with me on drives at night for the sole reason i wouldn't run my car off the highway into a tree and would keep them safe, even if i couldn't/didn't want to keep myself safe.
then, when i stood up to everyone. and i mean everyone. and left my life in texas to start a new (and unplanned! oh the horror!) life in tennessee.
i had no consistent supporter, no one who stood by me all that time, no fairy in the sky who held my hand, nothing. but myself. and my own strength. and my will to survive. it wasn't graceful, or pretty, or easy. it was gut wrenching, excruciating, and raw. it was nasty, and at my lowest point i was barely holding my head up, slumped in the corner of the bathroom wishing for death with a razor blade in my hand.
but here i am. here WE are. because that free spirit in me that my family has always cursed, came out when nothing else would. because i'm stronger than all that. because life is for living. because i'm not a coward, i'm not willing to live a half-ass life and be miserable. god doesn't inspire me anymore. my children do. the sun does. my wonderful partnership with the most amazing man i've ever heard of does. colors do. stolen giggles behind closed doors do. this is life. this is MY life.
well now that we're current...back to the past few weeks. the first incident...well the information i can tell you is very limited pending a man twice my age growing a ball or two. i should lend him one of mine. if he ever does, i'll explain in detail. it'll be comical at that point. right now it makes my ears burn and my heart explode in anger. anyway, in once sentence, he works with the same fire department mark works at, and his wife went off her fucking rocker and came to my house, attacked me and threatened my family over about 10 text messages and a few exchanges of (accused, NOT EVER proven) googly eyes. so far, he has yet to sprout even the slightest hint of a silver chest hair and deal with this situation.
second incident. my puppy, my boy, my joey, attacked me. in a more literal sense. here's what i typed up for animal control:
February 15, 2012
I was sitting in the living room on the floor painting my nails. Joey (our 90 pound, 10 month old Great Dane) kept sticking his nose in everything and wouldn't lay on the couch, so I said “Joey, let's go outside.” He started bounding in circles from the kitchen to the living room. He has done this before but always stops after one or two circles and sits in his corner because he knows he's wrong. He continued to go in circles despite my verbal commands. I caught him and grabbed his collar and told him he was going outside, and he turned and latched on to my left forearm. I was startled and let him go. I then knew he wasn't playing and I knew I had to get the kids back. I had all 5 of my children at home, one at the kitchen table doing homework (age 6), one outside (age 5), two in their room (ages 11 and 9), and one upstairs (age 4). The one doing homework at the table got up to try and help me and I told him to sit and not get up. Joey lunged at me and was jumping up at me with all of his teeth bared. I caught him again by his collar, and pulled it off because it's loose. He continued lunging at me. At this point I was crying, shaking, and very scared. I grabbed him by the back of the neck, and attempted to drag him upstairs to where his kennel is. He turned and bit my left leg and tore a hole in my pants. I knew I couldn't get him upstairs, so I tried to drag him to the back door. He got away from me, and I was trying to catch him, and he came up behind me and jumped on my back, pushing my shoulders with his front paws and I fell down. He then grabbed my pony tail and pulled it. My adrenaline kicked in, and I somehow flipped him on his back and basically body slammed him to the ground and he knocked into a shelf and knocked a bunch of things over. I had him pinned to the ground and nearly strangled him. I then held onto his neck as hard as I could and tried to drag him to the front door, desperate to get him out of the house. He got away from me, and I called the 9 year old to stand in the doorway to help me catch him. He lunged at her and I caught him from behind. I grabbed his neck and he bit down on my left forearm and held on tight, gnawing at it. I just let him hold on and got him out the back door. I yelled at the child outside to come in and held onto Joey until he did. I then let him go and shut the door. He tried to follow me back in but moved his head just in time. I called my husband, who was at work, in a panic. He came home immediately and put Joey in his kennel. We let him out only to eat and go potty. I have never been so terrified in my life. I felt like I was fighting for my life, and for my children. I know if he wanted to he could have easily killed me. This act of aggression is inexcusable, and for the safety of myself and my children, my husband and I have decided he needs to be put down.
and he was put down on saturday the 18th. we had a behaviorist come to our home on friday after the attack. she has 25 years experience and travels to train k9 units for police departments, and specializes in aggressive dogs. she said joey is the third scariest dog she's ever encountered. she got a total creeper vibe from him the second she walked into the house. which really disturbed me...we knew nothing. but we're looking into another great dane. we just love the breed. he was mentally ill, and needed to go. but one bad one doesn't mean the whole breed is bad. he was such a sweetheart before all this, and exactly what we wanted out of a dog. the kids took it better than mark or i did. resilient.
so all this word vomit to say....i'm strong. you're strong. when you're at the bottom of your world, you're strong. not because you choose it. not because you roll up your sleeves and fight. because you survive. which is all it takes. just survive. life is good. love is good. everything changes.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
closer
and here i sit.
somehow in the past year and a half i've transformed into someone i never thought i could be. i went to EMT school last fall, and am as of january 6th, a certified EMT-IV for the state of tennessee. not sure where that came from, but it was empowering. and interesting. and just all out amazing. no job yet, but i'm hoping to start somewhere part time very soon and try to figure out if this is really what i want...if it is i'll continue onto paramedic school...which would be an amazing accomplishment should i complete it.
i went through my blog and decided to make it public because this is me. i'm not ashamed or too proud to admit i have a disease. i have trouble coping with day to day life. i can only hope i can give someone else hope. i was absolutely miserable a few years ago, but here.i.sit. happy. healthy. plus it's an incredibly awesome outlet for me. judge me, know me, love me, hate me. whatever.
so as of now i'm only on 40mg/day prozac. mark will tell you quicker than i will that i still have bad days. or bad hours. or bad minutes. my doctor wanted me to go onto a psychiatrist, but i've heard that before. and i just can't do the medicine dance. i'd rather feel human and deal with my emotions than be drugged out of my life. i'm doing better than i have...well....ever. and i have mark to thank just as much as anyone/anything else. he's my rock.
i love being home with the kids...ashlee is now 11 (12 in 2 months!), kait is 9, aidan is 6, jake is 5 (6 in a week!), and oliver is 4. our puppy joey is now 8 months and 90 pounds. love his great dane ass. but i gotta start working...a family of 8 on a firefighter's salary is pretty much a game of russian roulette every bill cycle.
my ex-husband (nathan) is no help. his turn is coming soon.
my family hasn't gotten any more sane. have had no contact from my family that lives within 30 minutes of me...the only family relationship i have is with my parents. who continue to process and try to accept my life. as far as i'm concerned they've done amazing. i've now come out as atheist (i might as well said i have sex with animals on the weekends for money), but my parents have really been as accepting as they can be. much more than i thought they could be. as far as the rest of my family...they're scared/mystified/angry/blinded...shocker. i'm hoping one day they can see past the "hilary-has-sex-with-animals-and-is-an-ATHEIST" thing eventually. but i'm really thinking it won't happen. my brother got married in november and i went back to texas to be a part of it...of course the family was there. they pretty much avoided me like the plague, and i heard quotes like "oh, i hope she behaves!"...which made me want to get crazy and do something predictably psychotic. but i didn't. because i'm an adult. not sure what they are. oh wait. they're christians.
but oh well. i love my life. i love my mark and our 5 spastic kids. and one spastic pup. we have it pretty good. couldn't really wish for much more. other than, possibly, an engagement ring? haha guess i can wait on that one, too.
oh it's hard to live the life you choose. but at least i chose it. i did. i chose it. we chose it. and we're happy.
somehow in the past year and a half i've transformed into someone i never thought i could be. i went to EMT school last fall, and am as of january 6th, a certified EMT-IV for the state of tennessee. not sure where that came from, but it was empowering. and interesting. and just all out amazing. no job yet, but i'm hoping to start somewhere part time very soon and try to figure out if this is really what i want...if it is i'll continue onto paramedic school...which would be an amazing accomplishment should i complete it.
i went through my blog and decided to make it public because this is me. i'm not ashamed or too proud to admit i have a disease. i have trouble coping with day to day life. i can only hope i can give someone else hope. i was absolutely miserable a few years ago, but here.i.sit. happy. healthy. plus it's an incredibly awesome outlet for me. judge me, know me, love me, hate me. whatever.
so as of now i'm only on 40mg/day prozac. mark will tell you quicker than i will that i still have bad days. or bad hours. or bad minutes. my doctor wanted me to go onto a psychiatrist, but i've heard that before. and i just can't do the medicine dance. i'd rather feel human and deal with my emotions than be drugged out of my life. i'm doing better than i have...well....ever. and i have mark to thank just as much as anyone/anything else. he's my rock.
i love being home with the kids...ashlee is now 11 (12 in 2 months!), kait is 9, aidan is 6, jake is 5 (6 in a week!), and oliver is 4. our puppy joey is now 8 months and 90 pounds. love his great dane ass. but i gotta start working...a family of 8 on a firefighter's salary is pretty much a game of russian roulette every bill cycle.
my ex-husband (nathan) is no help. his turn is coming soon.
my family hasn't gotten any more sane. have had no contact from my family that lives within 30 minutes of me...the only family relationship i have is with my parents. who continue to process and try to accept my life. as far as i'm concerned they've done amazing. i've now come out as atheist (i might as well said i have sex with animals on the weekends for money), but my parents have really been as accepting as they can be. much more than i thought they could be. as far as the rest of my family...they're scared/mystified/angry/blinded...shocker. i'm hoping one day they can see past the "hilary-has-sex-with-animals-and-is-an-ATHEIST" thing eventually. but i'm really thinking it won't happen. my brother got married in november and i went back to texas to be a part of it...of course the family was there. they pretty much avoided me like the plague, and i heard quotes like "oh, i hope she behaves!"...which made me want to get crazy and do something predictably psychotic. but i didn't. because i'm an adult. not sure what they are. oh wait. they're christians.
but oh well. i love my life. i love my mark and our 5 spastic kids. and one spastic pup. we have it pretty good. couldn't really wish for much more. other than, possibly, an engagement ring? haha guess i can wait on that one, too.
oh it's hard to live the life you choose. but at least i chose it. i did. i chose it. we chose it. and we're happy.
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