nothing

so. rant. go.

my grandmother (the one that insisted i wear an off white gown to my wedding because it'd be SINFUL not to. and i did. because i was a pussy.) sent nathan a text a few nights ago carrying on about vows, leadership, and how much more they expected out of him. the issue? he called me a bad ass on facebook. (maybe she doesn't understand the meaning? it's a compliment.) anyway. he replied nicely. i then sent a text that was a little snappier. pointing out that lifestyle choices are CHOICES and that we don't really need guidance on this issue. she told me it was a sinful conversation. livid. would describe me. problem one. i'm not 14. don't fuss at me for something a 14 year old should be fussed at about. i've forgotten, am i an adult? ok. i don't have a problem with people pointing out issues they have with me. not at all. but to call out my husband and tell him he's breaking vows, letting down the family (??wtf) and not showing leadership because he said 'ass'.......anyone else think that's ridiculous? i'm so tired of my family. that sounds awful. i know. but they've always criticized, always stifled, always tried to stuff me into this teeny tiny chruch of christ box. i've never fit. therefore i've been labeled, shunned, and fussed at for my entire life. exhausting. and i'm fed up. i am who i am. i've accepted it. they haven't. and they're the super mega christians. how backwards is that?

while i'm on that. super-mega-christians. i get pregnant and instantly get a scarlet letter. i'm asked to leave my christian high school. yes, because i was pregnant. i would have graduated 5 months pregnant and could have hidden it. i was told by a christian adoption agency that i would be doing my child a disservice by keeping him. that i couldn't handle being a mother and it was an irresponsible choice to choose to be so. and that i should correct this "sin" by giving someone else a child. not a child. my child. then, my parents are specifically asked by my grandmother (the one mentioned before) that i not attend the family reunion in colorado. i was asked NOT to attend. i was the only one not there. then. my parents asked me to go to a different church. then, my mother asks me to leave out the back door and not the front because the neighbors were talking. then, i decide to keep my child, and my parents ask me to move out.

flip that over. nathan's family, who (besides his parents) aren't christian, invite me over. and i go over there night after night to eat their food because my dad couldn't look at me at the dinner table. they offer to let me come live there when my parents asked me to leave. they were overjoyed when i decided to keep aidan. (when i told my parents, dad informed me i had 'ruined mom's trip to michigan' ((because i called her there to tell her. i was in the hospital....come on.)) and when he was born dad came with a camera and in the sickest, most sarcastic way, said 'well i guess we take pictures because that's just what you do next, right?' then handed me a list of family members and said 'call them and tell them your news'. aidan's birth day was a bad day. worse than bad.)

sorry for ranting about my family. i could go on and on. i know it's not healthy. and, having said all that, i love my parents. and i respect my grandparents. but i'm so different and there's a lot of history of hurt between us. on both sides. but i love my parents dearly, we just rub in opposite ways.

sorry for the word vomit. i'm done.

i'm nervous about the body step training this weekend.

i should be doing so many other things than sitting at the computer right now.

i'm feeling better in my spirit. i won't claim happy yet. but i'm....calm. and i feel controlled. it's a wonderful feeling. thank you for the prayers.

postsecret

i love postsecret. LOVE it.

quote from this week's posting.

i guess i'm the opposite of suicidal. i feel so dead and i want to be alive.

thank you.

EFF

well...i created this blog because i was tired of hearing my family talk about it. or hearing that they were talking about it amongst themselves. or getting emails about my life choices.

i deleted my twitter because i was tired of people doing the same thing. i'd post something, and sometimes, less than 5 minutes later someone was asking me about it.

i know! it's public. i put it out there. i got that. i have no problem being open and sharing and i also have no problem with people having different opinions about me and my life. fine. but, really? if i was 14 i could understand it.

so i get a phone call this morning concerning my facebook activity. this is the third call. the.third.call. concerning my conversations with other people, my status updates...the subject of which is either drinking, bad language, or talking about something completely inappropriate like kissing girls. oh my GOD send me to hell now! shun. shun. shun. i might as well say what i actually feel and do what i actually want. they'd judge me all the same. i've had several phone calls about alcohol. my family thinks i'm an alcoholic i'm sure. good for them! it'll give them something to talk about with each other over lunch. good lord, guys. seriously.

i know, silly immature rant. but gosh i'm tired of it! i've been officially labeled mentally ill by my family. they said those actual words. horray! i think they'd all be happier if i sat in the corner reading a bible, occasionally patting a child on the head and feeding a homeless person.

i just love being in the middle of a perfectly rounded, sane, christian, loving family.

ok. rant is over.

cheesecake and tears

last night we went to caffe capri. it was incredible, as always. william was our waiter, he told the hostess he wanted us. :) he's hilarious. wine, pesto ravioli, then cheesecake. holy hell. it was a little frozen in the middle, but somehow that made it even better. it was amazing. so was the company. i went shopping yesterday for a top to wear for last night. i found an adorable black sleeveless top with cream lace at the top. i wore it with a cream mini skirt. and got some new black heels. i wore a cream pea coat. i was freezing and had to shave my legs, but it was totally worth it. i love wearing black and white. i felt pretty.

after dinner we headed to northgate. got a few drinks, then met some friends at sweet eugenes. i left early because i felt bad. not sick bad, mental bad. i had a huge knot in my throat and felt like i was about to cry. so i came home, cried, took a double dose of sleeping pills, and went to sleep. i got out of bed at 2pm. then went back to bed at 4:30. then got back up at 6:30 to take nathan to school.

i hate this disease. this condition. this "lack of prayer". whatever the hell you want to call it. i hate this depression. i can't help how i feel. i feel great, happy, sexy, and fun. then i feel like shit. and the change is so violent and comes without warning. i hate it.

why can't i just be normal? sometimes i feel so bad, i can't even explain it. it's excruciating. it hurts physically. i curl up on the floor and shake. it hurts in so many ways. i feel like i might explode. like actually explode.

now that i'm off the medicine, i'm back to feeling completely zapped of any kind of energy or motivation. i've got a list down to my toes of things to do, and can't seem to find any kind of energy to do any of it. the house hasn't been clean in 2 weeks. when i first started the celexa, i sent nathan 20 texts one day because i was so excited i cleaned the windows. and the bathroom. and the kitchen. all in one day. and i dusted. i was so happy to finally have the energy to do things. now i'm back to dirty rooms, and unfinished projects everywhere. does this ever end?

please god let it end.

silent screams.

passion

"i just want to get in my car and drive away..somewhere i can hide out and swear and smoke and be alone. but that's the other side of what it means to be in love. to be passionate is to fantasize about throwing it all away."

-rebecca woolf

wait

feeling on the verge of some great truth

where i'm finally in my place

but i'm fumbling still fool proof

and it's cluttering my space

casting shadows on my face

and though i have the strength to move a hill

i can hardly leave my room

so i'll sit perfectly still

and i'll listen for a tune

while my mind is on the moon

and if i stumble

and if i stall

and if i slip now

and if i should fall

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

cause everywhere i seem to be

i am only passing through

i dream these days about the sea

i always wake up feeling blue

wishing i could dream of you

so if i stumble

and if i fall

and if i slip now

and lose it all

and if i can't be all that i could be

will you

will you wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

and wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

and wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

please wait for me.

won't you wait for me.

wait by alexi murdoch

[[been listening to this song on repeat for an hour. i have no other words to describe how i feel. can i just say how much i hate this.]]

follow up

i wrote a whole paragraph about sleeping in my own bed. it's 2:25am and i'm sitting at the computer. see, 2 years ago when nathan and i bought a new bed, i said HEY! let's get a queen. it was like $25 more dollars. he said, no, i like the full. we can be closer. awwwwwwww. except not really. he's such a light sleeper if i change positions, cough, or think too loud he huffs and puffs and moves around. so i'm letting him sleep. the couch is covered in laundry so...hello. i just took half a sleeping pill. not the coolest idea. well, not for tomorrow morning anyway.

silent screaming

nobody brought me wine. :(

took mom to waco tonight, met dad there at panera bread. (dad's favorite restaurant...he never misses a chance to go! too bad there's not one in abilene.) it's been a hard week. i'm glad mom came, but it was hard having her here. it's hard to completely explain without sounding terribly mean. sooo lets just say, mom needs to re-take the course on 'helping your adult daughter deal with depression'. apparently she thought her job here was to keep me awake during all daylight hours (WTF) and tell me what i was doing wrong, and how if i would just change this or that, i'd be more 'positive'. hmmm. she has only good intentions, but it just further proves that i do NOT belong in the family i'm in. and that doesn't stop at parents. my whole family, both sides, extended and all...seem to be just right. i'm too cold. (and sometimes too hot :) either way, i just don't fit with the seemingly perfect family i fell into. and it's hard not to have someone on my side. oh they love me, but they aren't even close to understanding me. or helping me. they just don't know what to do with a daughter like me. sigh.

eh.

i'm very excited to be able to sleep in my bed again, though. it's been a WEEK. nathan and i have been sleeping on the couch. yes. singular. THE couch. nathan's been getting up at 5:30 or 6 to go work out (because he's got to train for his upcoming role as gi joe, remember? shit.) he's so disciplined. i'm lazy.

so...i'm supposed to be tapering off the wellbutrin. but i kind of just stopped it. kind of on accident. i've been preoccupied with trying to not strangle my mother, cleaning up poop, and having strep throat. it got lost in all that. i haven't taken it in 4 days, i figure i should just ride this out and not take another one....we will see.

last night was a bad one. i was rude and snappy with mom and nathan all night. i hurt both of their feelings. nathan put on p.s. i love you at 10:30...i think he was just trying to be nice to me. couldn't have chosen a worse movie, though. i should have said something. it was really hard to watch. always is. i only watch it when i'm alone and really really sad. just uber sad. and want to sob like a baby for an hour and a half. so i felt like i was going to throw up most of the time, trying to hold in my bursting tears. luckily, he fell asleep half way through. so i put on my ipod, and cried on the kitchen floor for about an hour. did some silent screaming in the bathroom. then got in bed with aidan for 20 minutes. then came to the living room to lay on the floor, cried some more, drifted off to sleep...got on the couch at about 3:30. yeah...pathetic. kind of embarrassing to share.

silent screaming. you know, when you're crying so hard and hurt so bad, but it's 2am and everyone's asleep and you're within 10 feet of 4 people? yeah. silent screaming. anyone else do it? this is why i need a field. 

i wanted to run away. or just run. to feel something else.

run.

unless you've dealt with depression, i know you're just shaking your head at me.

this is what this blog is for. me sharing my intimate struggle with depression for my own benefit. and maybe yours.

it's such a daily struggle. struggle is a nice word. it's a fucking battle. on days when i just can't do it anymore, i stay in bed for 10 hours. or cry, sob, weep, for an hour. or throw things. luckily, i can hold up for 5 or 6 days straight, until nathan has a day off and i can just...die. escape.

i love nathan. i love the kids. it's just the situation i want to escape. 

this is just a giant gripe fest.

so the psychiatrist thing is going to cost a gazillion dollars. my parents said they'd pay for it. but. i don't know. dad thinks i'm making excuses. i'm not, i just have a hard time asking for a gazillion dollars. and, i'm not really thrilled about paying someone $200 an hour to pump me full of more medicine. so far, the medicine thing has been worse than the non-medicine thing. and that's saying a LOT. seriously. a lot.

eh.

i feel like i'm at a dead end. with a brick wall. and i see it, but i'm still moving surprisingly fast towards it. everybody should hide if i hit that wall.

i hate my suicide dreams. it's either me watching myself run a knife somewhere along my body and watching the black blood spill out. it's always black. or it's me watching other people kill themselves in different ways. damn my creative, dark mind. but i'll take the suicide dreams over the demonic dreams any night. i've had nightmares since i was 16. not running from the cookie monster nightmares, like scary-fucking-nightmares. like wet-the-bed-nightmares. the first one, i was 16, i saw myself dead in a different "suicidal" way, in every room of my house. it flashed the rooms through my mind like a scary movie does. i got up, ran outside, and ran down the street. my startled parents came out after me and asked me what the hell i was doing. except they didn't say hell. because they don't use words like that. but their faces sure said it. when i explained why i'd run out, my mom almost fainted. after that, i had suicidal dreams mostly until i was raped at 17. then i had rape dreams. then after pregnancy, i had the most horrid dreams about my children being hurt or killed. or me being pregnant and someone cutting the baby out and killing it. seriously, guys. awful stuff. the demonic stuff is the worst. that didn't start until this past year. most of them are me walking down a dingy greenish yellowish lit hallway with doors on either side. i'm terrified to open them, but i do. and there's a demon on the ceiling in the corner who lunges out at me. or an old lady who's obviously possessed. or someone sitting in a chair facing away from me. and i walk into the room and look at the person. and i can't even express what they look like. or the demons follow me and touch my hair, or i feel them on my skin...and i either wake up about to vomit, holding my breath, sobbing, always tensed up, and a few times i even have wet the bed. embarrassing, yes. reading that paragraph will probably give you a nightmare. sorry.

i don't watch gory, demonic, or otherwise "scary" movies. i can't. especially those demonic ones. i can't even watch the previews. anyone see that 'legion' preview? it came on before every movie i've seen in the past 6 months. GEEZ. terrifying. and i'm not...like that. i don't know. i don't think about stuff like that...but i go to sleep and dream all this stuff up. psychologist says it's because i'm struggling with so many dark, angry feelings, and i have a creative mind, and this is how it comes out.

so, thanks brain.

if you've read this entire thing, thank you. i tell you guys more than i tell...well pretty much anyone. except psychologist. and nathan knows all this stuff. but somehow it comes out better with writing. this is my outlet, i suppose. for now. and thank you, all of you who have shown interest in reading this blog. and who read every word of it. it really means a lot. even though i don't know you that well, or know how you feel about what i say...i see that you do read it. and i know you cared enough to ask to read it. so, thank you.

still not tired, but going to stop typing to spare anymore word vomit. next time.

and, sorry for the f-bomb. like twice.

keep up

hello. read my other blog. then bring me a bottle of wine.

seriously.

smooth red, please.

seriously.